Cooper’s just left Westerville. I don’t know why he’s so convinced that I’m totally fine. I mean, it’s only Thanksgiving. Right? It doesn’t matter that I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me? I’m just fine right? Yeah Coop. I’m totally fucking fine.

Mom and Dad have left to go on their usual cruise for Thanksgiving and this year they’ve been generous with both food and money.  Cooper has left me on my own (against Mom and Dad’s strict orders, which I know nothing about) to go and audition for a TV show in LA. So I’m on my own again. To be fair my Parents don’t know and don’t really care that I have a fake ID, and since I’m on my own, I decide to have a small party inviting no one but myself and as much alcohol that I can drink.

I take a small drive to the Liquor store and buy some straight spirits, a box of beer and some bourbon and cola. As I drive back home I really think about what I’m doing, and what I plan to do tonight. I give Sam a quick call and tell him that I’m going to go on a road trip since I’m on my own and I’ll see him when he gets back from his parent’s after thanksgiving. I call Coop and tell him the same story on his voicemail. Tonight I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I can’t pretend to be okay any longer.  I drive up the drive and cart my alcohol into my room and I decide that I might start on the beer first. I crack the top and sip slowly at the bitter yeasty liquid and open my box. ‘Memory Lane’ has been engraved on the top of the box; it was a gift from my mother on my 10th birthday because since I was ‘a big boy now’ I’d need to keep track of all my important memories. Inside this beautifully crafted hand-made box lies my whole life. I regularly sip on my beer which tastes better with every mouthful, and I start at the bottom of the box. The first thing I pull out makes me laugh; it’s a picture of Cooper and I at our old house in the pool. Coop is standing in the shallow end with me on his shoulders and my hair was a wet curly mess, we were both so happy but you could see my father in the background of the photo inside looking grim. The second thing I pull out is a photo of my graduating class at Middle School. I keep pulling out photos and looking and laughing at them until I pull out two things simultaneously and it’s funny because in my life they go hand in hand. It’s the ticket to the infamous Sadie Hawkins Dance and a black velvety pouch. I drop the ticket as if it burned my skin, but opened the pouch and tipped it’s insides all over the floor. About 15 razorblades of differing shapes, sizes and sharpness glint in the light. I open another beer and down it quickly as if to burn both the shame and desire away from my mind. After Sadie Hawkins I started to self harm. It started small, it was punching the bag without any protection and feeling the pain, and then it progressed to small scratches on my legs once the anger wasn’t helping. But when the scratches started to turn into cuts that took days to scab over and weeks to heal I figured there was a problem. I met the Warblers and they helped me in ways I could never put into words. But as I saw those blades sitting there on the floor the thought crossed my mind, and I truly considered it again; until of course a memory tore itself to the forefront of my brain and knocked the wind out of my lungs.

Kurt moaning in my ear and our chests heaving together, skin to skin. Kurt’s hands trying to undo the front of my pants and me trying to tear the tight pants from his sinful hips. I feel the button on my jeans pop and the zip glide down, when all of a sudden I freeze; and remember that I have scars all over the top of my legs.
‘Baby? What’s wrong? Do you want to stop? We can stop. Is this too quick? I’m sorry! I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.’
I finish taking my pants off, and I stand up in front of him in nothing but my boxer shorts; all passion forgotten. Kurt gasps and I retell the story in full from the dance to now. About how my father is an abusive drunk and how my mother does nothing. I tell him about my life leaving no ugly detail untold. By the end I’m holding Kurt as he cries into my still naked chest holding onto me for dear life whispering like a mantra ‘I’m so sorry. I love you.’ As if the strength of his feelings and words could erase all the pain from my life, be it self-inflicted or not.

I forget how to breathe properly and before I even think about it I’m choking on sobs that wrack my body. I’m shaking with the force of my sadness. I pick up the old memories on the floor and throw them back into the crafted wooden box. The rage inside me is burning through the sorrow and I pick up an empty beer bottle and heave it across the room, and upon the smash of the bottle and the tinkering of shattered glass, I feel slightly less angry at the world but more disgusted with myself. I decide that the time for beer has passed and I open the bottle of whiskey. I decide to drink from the bottle to save time, and I gulp the fiery liquid until it burns my throat. I catch my breath and begin again, measuring in gulps and drinking until my head is spinning and I feel like I’m going to vomit. Why the fuck does Cooper think that I’m fine? Is he drunk all the time? Or am I just a really good actor? Do they even care? I stand up and steady myself and get changed into some comfortable clothes. I pull on my favourite shirt and my baggy Dalton hoodie, and I just chuck a pair of black comfortable jeans on. I straighten up in the mirror taking sporadic sips of the foul whiskey and I decide that I might call Kurt. Just to hear his angelic voice. But first I sit back down on my bed and open the scrapbook I made of Kurt and I. The slow steady stream of tears fall onto the already salt covered pages and I surround myself with pictures of him; The love of my life, The man of my dreams, My knight in shining armour who is also known as Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. His radiant smile warms my bones and his glasz eyes are so honest and pure. This man is not smiling anymore. That is all my fault and I plan on making it right. I pick up the phone and I call the familiar number and let it ring through, like I knew it would.

Hey this is Kurt Hummel; sorry I missed your call! Leave your name and details and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks, Bye!

Hey Kurt, it’s me. Blaine. Obviously! Don’t delete this. This is important. I know that you won’t accept my apology and fair enough too! But this is me telling you that I’m letting you go. You are now free to never think of me again. But I ask you this, my love, please be happy. Live long and live life to the full. Be happy. I’ll be seeing you.

There. That’s done. I’m drunk as hell. I’ve said my goodbyes. I’ve left a note to my parents. I’ve tied up all the loose ends now. This is it. The tears stop and I feel lighter. I’ve made my decision. I’m at peace. I can smile now. Because it will all be over soon. And for the first time in months, I genuinely feel okay.

I take the whiskey with me, and by now it’s barely half full, I go into the medicine cabinet and grab the pain medication from the eye operation and the stuff for dad’s “back pain” and I head up to my bedroom and tidy up everything. Make the bed, clean the floor and just straighten the room up. I sit on the bed and pour out all the pain medication into my hands and open the bottle of whiskey. I swig the whiskey and pour the truckloads of pills down my throat and swallow. I keep drinking the whiskey until the taste of pills is out of my mouth.

So this is where I am, lying on my bed, listening to the playlist that reminds me of Kurt play quietly in the background. I’m starting to feel a little queasy when my cell rings and who could it be? Only the one person I didn’t want to hear from.

‘Blaine? I-is is that you? Are you alright?’

‘Yeah, I’m totally fine. Why do you ask?’

‘I just got your message. It worried me. Are you sure you’re okay?’

‘Yeah, yeah! I’m fine. Really. I’ve just got a tummy bug and I’m not feeling the greatest.’

‘Oh, well, um, okay. It was the last line that bothered me… Why’d you say ‘I’ll be seeing you.’ You know what that means. Especially to me.’

‘Oh sorry about that. It just slipped out I guess. Anyway, I have to go! Cooper’s cooking a turkey downstairs and he’s coming up the stairs now. Got to go love! Bye!’

‘Blaine, Blaine! Wait! I wasn’t finished talking to yo-‘

The line went dead and I got up to vomit, because my head was spinning and my heart was beating really quickly. I made it to the waste basket and promptly hurled into it. I wiped my mouth and rinse my mouth out with whiskey, being careful not to waste a drop. I can hear my phone buzzing on my bed, but I just lay back on my bed waiting for the dreams to come.

I can feel it now. I can feel my head spinning, and my heart slowing down. I am dying. My phone keeps buzzing and I answer it just to stop the incessant noise.

‘Hello?’

‘Blaine? Guess what! I got the show! I just wanted to call you and tell you first. I’m playing a spy dude! A spy! They loved my confidence and just at the auditions they gave it to me! Dude?

‘Yeah, that’s awesome Coop! Proud that you’re auditioning for a spy. That’s awescool.’

‘Blaine? Are you alright squirt?’

‘Yeah, yeah. Fine. Just waiting around for the pills. I don’t feel good.’

‘Buddy? What the fuck did you do?’

‘I drank some, and then I took and swallowed lots. I’m feel yucky, I think I died’

‘I’m calling 911. Hang on man. I love you. Hang on’

The room is spinning. I can’t feel anything. I feel like lead is being pumped through my body. I feel heavy. I can’t move. I’m stuck here. My eyes flutter shut and time isn’t passing anymore. I’m just laying here, barely breathing, heart slowly beating, slowly dying. And I feel very calm.

I hear something bang in downstairs but pay no heed. All I know now is I’m very tired and I would very much like to go to sleep.

‘He’s in here!’

‘He’s alive! His heart rate is slow, he’s unresponsive. We need to move. Quickly’

‘He’s stable! But not for long, everything is decreasing. He won’t last much longer!’

‘We’re losing him! He’s crashing! Paddles! 250! Clear! No response! 300! CLEAR! Nothing! Again! Clear! Starting CPR!’

‘Male, 17, suspected drug overdose. Crashed in the ambulance. Administering CPR for 5 minutes. Brother called from Las Angeles on his way back now.’

‘Name?’

‘Blaine Anderson’

‘Blaine? Can you hear me? Blaine? Can you squeeze my finger? Blaine? Can you hear me?’

‘Patient is still unresponsive. Pump his stomach, ICU, IV line, life support until his family gets here and we can figure out what to do.’

‘How is he? Blaine Anderson? Is he alive? Where is my brother?’

‘Sir, your brother is alive but right now he’s hooked up to life support, his stomach has been pumped and he is in the ICU right now resting. He seems to be okay, his brain function is normal, his heart rate is coming back up, but he still isn’t breathing on his own and we still haven’t had a response yet. Are you his legal guardian?’

‘No. I’m his older brother Cooper Anderson; my parents put me in charge of him while they were on their annual thanksgiving cruise. I’m all he has right now.’

‘Okay, so you’re going to need to fill out some paperwork and then we need to discuss what’s going to happen with Mr. Anderson.’

‘Can I sit with him while I fill out the paperwork? Please, he’s all I’ve got.’

‘Sure, Mr Anderson. I’ll take you to his room right away.’

‘Thank you, thank you for everything. Thank you for saving my baby brother.’

‘Not a problem Mr Anderson. It is my job after all. And I will say that I loved the ad campaign with FreeCreditRatingToday.com/savings. It’s my wife’s favourite commercial.’

This is strange. I feel heavy still. I’m dead? I shouldn’t feel heavy. Maybe I’m in Hell. I mean I deserve it. At least it’s over. But that still begs the question, why do I feel so god damned heavy? I can’t move. It feels like there is an anvil sitting on my chest. Oh God. I can’t breathe. Am I even dead? Where am I? What the fuck is going on here?! Where the fuck am I? I’m scared. Hold on Anderson, think it through. Retrace your steps.

I drank a lot of alcohol. I took a lot of pills. I called Kurt. I talked to Cooper. Cooper said something about 911. I remember hearing noises downstairs and people. I remember being tired. I remember falling asleep then waking up here. Where is here? It’s white, and bright. It smells clean and sterile. But it’s not a hospital room. It’s silent.

‘Mr Anderson, visiting hours are over. You can come back in 3 hours. Blaine will still be here. If I could get your mobile number I can call you immediately if his condition changes.’

‘Oh yeah, thanks. I’ll be back in 3 hours. On the dot. I’ll leave my number on the cabinet beside Blaine’s bed. Also, just call me Cooper.’

 I still can’t move or feel anything. Oh my god. Am I in a coma? Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. So I’m alive but I can’t move and I can’t feel. Brilliant. So, this white room is my subconscious. I read somewhere that you can control your subconscious. So I guess that means I can control this. I want to see my Mom. I love my mom; she has always made me feel better. She hasn’t been there as much as she’d like but my father is a bit of a wanker. I want to feel better, I sound like a child but I don’t care. I want my mother. My mom walks into the clean white room.

 ‘My baby, my baby boy. I love you. It’s okay. We’ll sort this out. You’ll be okay. You’re an Anderson. Andersons Survive, you know that my son.’

My mother comes over to my bed and all of a sudden I’m back in bedroom lying on my bed, and she kisses me on the forehead and leaves.

My chest eases and I can breathe again. I’m starting to feel my fingers and toes. I’m alive. Barely.

‘Nurse! Nurse! I need help! He’s choking! My brother is choking! Help him!’

‘You need to leave.’

‘Is he okay? What’s wrong? Is he dying? Tell me something!’

‘Cooper, your brother is trying to breathe. The intubation is uncomfortable and his body is trying to get it out. He’s fine. You can watch as I take the tube out if you’d like?’

‘No, no, it’s fine, just hurry up.’

‘There done. I’m guessing younger brother? Don’t worry; I’m the same with my younger siblings. He’ll be okay. I’m sure of it.’

I can breathe. I keep coughing though. My throat feels red raw, just like it did after my eye operation. Oh. I’ve been intubated. Oh. I almost died. Oh. Well. Am I happy about this? I don’t know. But I’m starting to feel like I can get up from my bed. I flex my feet, and stretch my toes and I can feel my body waking up. I push my hips towards the ceiling and feel the muscles in my back and stomach quiver and stretch. My arms automatically rise to the ceiling alongside my hips and I think this is possibly the best stretch of my life. I sit up slowly and roll my neck around my shoulders and I stand up. This feels amazing.

Hold on.

Why am I not awake?

‘Mr Cooper? Cooper? I’m sorry to wake you but you need to rest properly. You can go home and we’ll call you if anything changes okay? And if home is too far away there is a hotel across the street. Here’s a cup of coffee and I’ll call myself, I promise.’

‘Thank you very much. I’ll be back in a few hours. I’ll shower, sleep then I’ll be back. Thank you.’

What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I awake right now? I feel fine. I can move, and I can breathe. I’m the epitome of health. Why the fuck aren’t I waking up?

‘Hey Blaine. It’s me, Sam. Um. It’s just me right now; I think your brother is at the hotel while I’m here. I haven’t told anyone about this yet. Not even the Glee club. Because you know what would happen, especially since everyone is home for the holidays. Well everyone except Kurt and Rachel. I only knew you were here because Cooper called me from your cell to ask what you said to me. Come on man, wake up. Glee needs you. I need you man. I need Nightbird. Well, as an incentive and I have to tell Finn why you’re not in Glee club, if you don’t wake up today I’ll tell the Glee club and you know them. Everyone will know. That includes Kurt. Anyway, I brought you flowers and a little teddy bear because I know you bring flowers to sick people and you like teddy bears. I’m just going to sit here with you. In silence. Until Cooper comes back. Okay?’

‘Anything Sam?’

‘Nope. Nothing. Cooper? Are they running any tests on him?’

‘Yeah, they’ve run his blood, they’ve done those tests but we’re waiting on a CT and MRI scan. Because they all say that he should’ve woken by now. I mean it’s been almost 4 days.’

‘Okay, well I’ll be back tomorrow after school. I have to tell Glee Club though Cooper. They’ll want to know. Especially the ones that are leaving soon. They’ll want to see him.’

‘I know Sam, I know. Just remember he’s not allowed more than 3 visitors at a time.’

‘Yeah, gotcha. Do you know why he did it? He must know that we love him. He’s Blaine. Sure he’s made his mistakes, but he feels regret, he looks terrible and either way it’s not enough to take his own life. We love him, and I know that you love him too.’

‘Blaine’s got a past, Sam. Just like everyone else. I’m sorry to say, but if he hasn’t told you I won’t. It’s his business. He’s my little brother. He means the world to me.’

‘I know. And tomorrow isn’t going to be good. I’ll have to tell Finn, and you know that Finn is going to tell Kurt right? I’m letting you know now because I’m not ready for that phone call. That’s all you bro.’

‘Yeah. I know. I’ll see you tomorrow Sam.’

‘See you Coop.’

Okay, so since I’m in a coma and time doesn’t exist right now, I’m going to make the most of my subconscious mind.

The whole room evaporates into a big white room, with a marble staircase and a beautifully crafted black rail. I’m about to meet Kurt again. I can almost feel the pull of destiny, pulling me toward him. His black jacket standing out against the sea of blue blazers, it’s obvious he’s not from here but I don’t even care. His face looks like the angels carved it themselves. Wearing those glasses and I continue to go downstairs, sneak a look at his face again. ‘Um excuse me? Can I ask you a question? I’m new here.’ ‘My names Blaine’ I manage to choke out. ‘Kurt’ and he extends his hand.

The staircase fades into a public school gymnasium and I’m dancing with Kurt because he’s just been crowned Prom Queen. Bastards. I’m slowing this right down. Look at his face. He’s so happy. I’m so happy. This is beauty. This is happiness. I’m not dancing I’m just watching from afar. There’s people surrounding us, and they all looked stunned, as if this is a new development ‘Oh my god. Two boys are dancing together’. It’s strange, but it almost adds to the love. I’m holding him close and he’s smiling so wide, we’re swaying slowly to the music. In that particular moment, I saw my future. Babies, Marriage, jobs, Christmases, thanksgivings, birthdays, anniversaries, the lot and I only saw it with him. Kurt was the one constant in my life.

The gymnasium fades into a club with pounding music and flashing lights. The smell of tobacco and alcohol pervades the air and I’m dancing with someone else. Sebastian. Kurt is sitting over at the bar and Sebastian is trying his damndest to get into my pants. Kurt smiles over at me and thankfully comes over and joins. Having a few more drinks and attempting to have sex in his backseat. Then the long cold walk home. The next memory arrives and I’m in the choir room with Kurt, singing Perfect by Pink to Santana.

The next memory hits me hard. I’m on the stage with Kurt, and he’s just told me that he wants to come back to my place. The love I feel for Kurt has never felt as strong as it did that night. Our love is normally like a beautiful candle, warm, and steadily burning but that night our love was like a white hot flame burning through our bodies. But it was so tender and unadorned. Pure.

My bedroom melts into a parking garage. We’re challenging the Warblers to the rights to sing MJ at Regionals.  The dance off is amazing and adrenaline is pulsing through my body. Sebastian grabs a slushy, and aims it at Kurt, the only thing I think is that I need to protect him. I shove Kurt a bit too roughly out of the way and take the slushy to the face. At first the cold takes your breath away and then the rock salt hits my eye and all I can feel is pain.

My mind is tired now, and I have relived enough memories for now. My mind needs to rest, and I guess I need to come to a decision of whether I want to live or not. But not now. My bedroom appears around me and I lay down on my bed and go to sleep.

‘How is he doc?’

‘Mr Anderson, medically he’s fine. The drugs are almost out of his system and we can’t seem to find a reason as to why he’s still unconscious. I can only guess that right now Blaine isn’t ready to wake up. But we can now move him to a ward, which is good news.’

‘That’s good. Thank you Doc.’

‘Blaine. Wake up. You can wake up now. Mom and Dad are flying back tomorrow from the Caribbean and I need you to be okay bro. Also, Sam has to tell Finn today. Which means telling Glee, and the other kids that used to be in Glee, which in turn means Kurt. I know Sam told you yesterday and I’m reminding you, because I know those kids love you as much as I do. So do as your told Blaine Devon Anderson and wake up.’

‘Hey Coop. I’ve brought Brit, Tina and Mike with me today. The rest said they’d wait. So um, we’ll hold the fort until you get back, because you look like you need a shower and some decent sleep.’

‘Yeah man, I’ll be back soon. Please don’t go till I get back. I don’t want him on his own. I shouldn’t have left him in the first place.’

‘It’s fine. I’ll stay. Go on.’

‘Guys, come in. I know it’s weird. Just pretend he’s asleep. That’s what I do. Talk to him. I mean he’s not dead…’

‘Hey Blaine Warbler. It’s Brittany. I just wanted to come tell you that since your asleep here and sad, I’d bring you some candy. And a picture of everyone. I don’t know what to say but I hope you’re having fun in your dream world because it’s not as happy here without you.’

‘Hey Blainey Baby. I know you said to never call you that again. But this is Asian Persuasion checking in and I’m persuading you to wake up. Now. Come on sweetheart. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything when I knew you weren’t fine. I shouldn’t have thought that someone else would see it. I should’ve said something. Blaine. I’m sorry.’

‘Tina, come here. It’s okay love. It’s okay. Blaine, just keep dancing buddy. I just wanted to come see you before I flew out tomorrow. You better be okay. You’re going to go far, kid.’

‘See Blaine. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you. I know you’re not religious, but we got Quinn, Kitty, Mercedes and Joe praying for you to be okay. And I’m praying too buddy.’

‘Hey Cooper. Nothing. No change. I’ve got to head home; the nurses are getting annoyed with Brit and I just sitting here. I’ll be back tomorrow but probably on my own. I’ll tell the others the room number tomorrow. But they might not even turn up. I’ll see you tomorrow dude.’

It’s strange that going to sleep in my head helps me. Everything seems clearer. I need to sit down and think this through. I mean, do I want to die? I mean really? I’m just so over everything. I’m so tired. I feel like I’m overreacting to this, and I shouldn’t be cut up about everything. No one seems to understand anything I’m going through. In general I am just so fucking lonely and even more exhausted. The thought of living any longer just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t know if I have enough fight left in me right now. But I can’t give up. Blaine Anderson is not a quitter. I don’t want to be one of those creepy memorial assemblies where everyone is just happy they’re missing class. I don’t want to be that guy. I have to fight. I am a fighter. If no one else knows me I want them to know that I am a fighter and I don’t give up that easily.

‘Hey Cooper. May I come in?’

‘Oh hi Kurt. I wasn’t expecting you. I mean, how much do you know?’

‘Blaine rang me, and he was acting weird. He left me a message and it sounded like a goodbye so I called him to ask if he was okay. I mean I know him, so I thought if he was even considering anything I could talk him out of it. But he was totally different when I rang him so I thought nothing of it. Then yesterday Finn called me and said he was in hospital but no one knew why. So I booked a flight and here I am.’

‘Oh. Wow. So you don’t know why he’s in here then?’

‘No, I don’t. What happened?’

‘He attempted suicide, Kurt. He had enough. I’d left him alone for the holidays and he got drunk on his own and decided that that was it. He told me that he was going on a road trip, and he told Sam the same thing. I was in LA for an audition and I rang him to tell him that they gave me the part and he was out of it. Blaine is normally very coherent and he wasn’t making sense. I asked him what was wrong and said he’d taken a lot of pills and then he said he felt like he was dying so I called 911.’

‘Oh my god.’

‘Yeah.  I know. I called from LA and they got there just in time.’

‘How long has he been unconscious?’

‘About 5 days now. The doctors don’t know why he hasn’t woken yet. But I’ll leave you to it. I’m going to go get an actual coffee. This hospital shit is disgusting. Don’t leave until I get back. I don’t want him to be alone when he wakes up. Okay?’

‘Yeah. I’ll be here. Don’t be long Cooper. I don’t want to be here when he wakes. That would just be cruel.’

‘Blaine. What the hell. You lied to me. You said you were fine. You said that Cooper was home. I was worried that you were thinking about doing memory lane stuff, and you know full well what I mean. That’s what I thought the ‘I’ll be seeing you’ meant. Then I talked to you and you were fine. I stopped worrying. Then Finn called me. He said you were in hospital in a fucking coma! Blaine. What the fuck! I’m so angry with you right now. You’re still my stupid fucking best friend! I could’ve helped you. I didn’t call on thanksgiving because I’m trying not to be cruel. And you do this. You still mean a lot to me. But I need a life outside you. That’s why New York is perfect. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less. Sure I hate what you did, but I could never hate you Blaine. Never.’

I wonder how long I’ve been out. I don’t even know if I’ve been out days or hours. Weeks or months. I could’ve been out for only minutes. I don’t know. I can feel that I’m going to wake up soon though. I guess now I’ve made my decision I guess all I need to do is wake up. But I’m not ready to face everyone yet. I’m just going to take advantage of my situation and relive some of my favourite memories again.

‘Cooper, I’m leaving now. I have to go. This is too much. His heart is racing and he seems to be breathing quicker. Come back please. I need to leave. Now.’

‘Chill Kurt. I’m in the lobby. I’m running, see you soon.’

‘I’m leaving. Don’t tell him I came. I think he might be getting ready to wake up. I have to go home. I can’t be here. I feel sick.’

‘Yeah, fair enough. See you later Kurt.’

‘Yeah. Bye.’

I can feel myself leaving my mind. I almost feel like I’m settling back into my body. I can move my fingers.

‘Blaine. Are you waking up? Please wake up. Come on please. Can you hear me? I’ve got you baby brother. I’ve got you’

I can move my feet.

‘Nurse! I think he’s waking up!’

This is strange. I feel weird, and dirty. Oh god I hope I don’t smell.

‘Did you see that?! His feet moved! His fingers were moving before. See look he’s frowning!’

I can breathe. Big deep breaths. Oh god. I feel terrible. My eyes feel all crusty and I need to wash my face. I think I should open my eyes. But it’s so bright in here.

‘Oh my god. He’s opening his eyes. Blaine. I’m right here. You’re okay. I’m right here’

That’s Cooper. He sounds terrible. Here goes.

Holy Shit it’s bright in here! Fuck, turn the lights down. Please. Jesus.

‘Blaine?’

I can’t find my voice, so I open my eyes and look around. Cooper looks disgusting. His hair is all flat and he’s got stubble on his jaw. He looks like he’s been crying. Oh god, he’s actually crying.

‘mmmhungh Coop?’

‘Yeah buddy. I’m here.’

‘What’s happened?’

‘You’re in hospital. Don’t you remember what happened?’

‘Not really. It’s fuzzy.’

‘Would you like some water? I’ll give you a minute to wake up. You’ve always been fuzzy in the morning.’

‘Yeah, water please.’

I can’t remember anything. I guess I’m in hospital. It’s strange. I remember driving to the store to get drinks, then I remember going through some of my box, and then pills and Oh. Cooper called me. Then 911. I remember now.

‘Cooper… how long have I been out?’

‘About 5 days. Mom and dad get in tomorrow from the Caribbean. Mom’s freaked, but dad is pissed. But I’ll deal with him. ‘

‘Fuck. I’m sorry Cooper. I just had enough y’know.’

‘Yeah buddy. I know. It’s okay. Sam was here. He had to tell Finn and your Glee club. You have had quite a few visitors. Sam, Brittany, Mike, Tina, Artie, Santana, Puck, Mercedes, Finn and some others. You had us worried there.’

‘I’m sorry. Fuck I feel terrible.’

‘Nice to see you’ve joined the realm of the living Mr Anderson. You had us all worried you weren’t going to pull through for a while there. I just need to check some things okay?’

‘Yeah sure.’

‘Cooper, I heard the news! Blaine’s awake! That’s great! I told you from the start that he’d pull through. But now you’re not worried about your brother I wanted to ask you out to coffee sometime? I mean, only if you wanted to?’

‘Yeah, I’d love to Eva! When do you get off?’

‘I finish at 8.’

‘I’ll pick you up from here at 8.15?’

‘Sounds awesome! And I prefer Evangeline. My friends call me Evangeline.’

I think my brother is going on a date tonight. But thank god I’m being discharged today. They’ve given me an appointment to see a counsellor, just to sort some stuff out and to figure out whether or not I need medication. I think I’m fine. I’ve made the decision to live now. But everyone seems to be walking on egg shells except my dad but in all honesty he can go fuck himself. I’m done trying to please him. But just as I pull on my big baggy Dalton hoodie, I hear a knock on the door.

‘Come in! I’m decent.’

‘It’s not like it matters. I’ve seen it all anyway.’  The voice from the door knocks the wind out of my lungs. It’s Kurt. Why the hell is he here? Finn. Finn narked on me. I’m going to kill him.

‘Um hi Kurt. What’re you doing here?’

‘I’ve come to see you. The last time I saw you, you weren’t really in the state for company. Also, being angry at you while your unconscious is a lot harder than I remember. What the hell were you thinking Blaine? Seriously?’

‘Well, you know a lot about my past right? I just had enough. I felt like I was standing in a crowded room screaming and no one hears me. I was so tired of pretending to be fine. My whole life was collapsing around me, and the only constant I had was you. And we both know what happened there. I was so tired, and so unbelievably lonely that I just gave in.’

‘You didn’t even talk to me Blaine. Why?’

‘Because you didn’t pick up the phone Kurt. And I don’t blame you. But you have moved on with your life, and I’ve accepted that. I just miss my best friend who knows me better than I know myself. Someone who I can have a whole conversation with just facial expressions. Sam is a great friend, but he doesn’t compare to you. I’m not trying to get you back. I know that ship has sailed.’

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you Blaine. I’m sorry I came back. I shouldn’t have, you’re getting on with your life and I don’t want to ruin that.’

‘No, stay please. Just so when Cooper comes in to tell me that he’s going on a date tonight I’m not on my own and looking pathetic.’

‘Okay. Then I’ve got to go. My flight leaves in about 2 hours.’

‘Deal.’

So Kurt and I are friends again. I like it. He knows I still love him, but he also knows that I’m not going to fuck our friendship up. I’m going to get him to trust me again. My heart is racing and I’m sure Kurt can hear it, but I don’t care. The love of my life is talking to me again and I know now that I want to live.

I’m at home finally, and it’s scary to see my bedroom because now I remember everything and it’s strange to be back home and be back in my room. But when I walk in my room wearing the same clothes I left in a week ago, only then do I remember how I felt. But I find my phone that I shoved underneath the pillow and I check the voice messages. I’ve got one from Cooper, Mom, Dad, Sam and Kurt. It’s strange to hear them all. They all ask the same thing, except Kurt’s. Kurt didn’t know I was in hospital then. He left a quick message on thanksgiving which was the day after my hospitalization. He said that he misses me and that we’re going out on Christmas and that he still loves me, but he’s not yet ready to forgive me. It’s both a kick in the gut and the best news I’ve ever heard.

I’ve been at home for a few days now. Mom and dad have officially taken away all alcohol in my room, but I don’t really mind. My mother won’t leave me alone and she’s always coming in to check on me. She loves me, and I know that but she seems to think it’s her fault. My dad doesn’t treat me any differently. He still essentially ignores my existence but I’m fine with that, but the person that has changed the most is Coop. He is almost obsessed with me. I understand that he barely left my bedside and for that I am grateful and I know that I hurt him immensely but seriously? Can’t a guy have 2 minutes to himself without excusing himself to the bathroom? I love him to pieces but when he moves back to LA to begin shooting this spy drama it will be good.  Everything will be back to normal.

Everything is back the way it was before. We won sectionals. Mr Shou is back. Cooper is in LA living it up, but he now has a girlfriend whom he visits as much as he can, and Coop is looking to move back to Ohio when filming is done. Glee club is training hard for Regionals and everyone is treating me normally again. I guess I’ve learnt a lot this year, and I guess I’ve grown up a little too. But, I’ve been very lucky and everything has worked out for me. Kurt and I aren’t back together and we may not be for a while. But we’re definitely on the right track. I’ve told him everything and he is slowly beginning to forgive me. I’m so lucky that I have my best friend back.

I guess the best way to explain everything is now I’m not terrified for the future, I’m excited.

Although sometimes I wonder what went on in my brain when I was in the coma, because sometimes I dream and I feel like I’m in a familiar place, but I’ve found a name for it. Dreamland.