New York was wonderful. The first time he stepped into the city was unlike any feeling he had felt. It was a mix of classic romanticism and hope, prosperity and choice. Nothing felt quite as wonderful as seeing Kurts face light up in the middle of Central Park after he told a stupid joke. Nothing came close to the feeling of living with his friends and his fiance. Nothing was as wonderful as watching Kurt fall asleep from where Blaine was snuggled tightly to his chest, listening to his heart beat with his own.

The city was also a dirty place, he realized. After a week or so, his high of coming to the Big Apple was slowly dying. He no longer reveled in the beauty of the city on walks, he could only focus on the trash thrown carelessly to the ground. Dirty bags and cups and napkins littered the streets, some to the point of unrecognizable filth. The noise was charming at first. It was a constant, the noises of traffic even in the depths of the night. Even though it was too warm in his and Kurts room, he shut the window to muffle the sounds. The noise became unbearably irritating after a full week of hearing it.

After a month he was sufficiently annoyed by most of it. Classes started, and they were hard. He tried to keep a balance, but he felt like there was a scale on his back weighing how much he should do based on how much he didnt want to do. The trash on the street started becoming the people around him. Not Kurt, or any of his friends, but strangers whom he had never met or classmates he spoke to only once. Hed notice something small about them, them it grew. They became trash. He had walked all around New York, but he couldnt see anything but filth. He could feel himself becoming bitter. Blaine always saw the good in people, but he couldnt anymore. It was distressing.

It was the same thing that happened to him every time he moved. He would be hopeful at first, then he saw the problems. Once he saw a problem, it was on his mind and there was no stopping it. It didnt help that he watched the news before he went to his classes, seeing crime rates and hate crimes becoming more rampant. New York was the first time Blaine had seen a homeless person, the first time he had seen a prostitute, the first time he saw a dog that was starving and begging for scraps. Everyone seemed to pass by, like nothing was happening, like it wasnt completely devastating to witness. The thought upset Blaine, because it made him realize that in New York dreams either come true or get brutally crushed.

At night the thoughts plagued him. Slowly he started to sleep less, becoming more and more aware of his place in the world. He had the thoughts before, but they started to pile up to an unbearable amount.

He would lie down with Kurt at night, holding close the only light he cared about in New York, listening to his heart beat steadily and his breathing slow into a deep sleep, willing himself to fall under too. His mind was wired like a million circuits working at once, thinking thinking thinking to the point of exhaustion. It surprised him when he saw the sky turn light the first time. The sun was crawling its way back into the dark expanse while Blaine watched, restless with thoughts he couldnt stop. He slept for three hours that night. He woke up to Kurt kissing him on the forehead, then the cheek, then the nose, then finally planting a sweet peck to his lips with a sleep muddled "Rise and shine."

And he did. Every day he woke up with Kurt, ignoring the fact that he felt like someone had substituted his skin for concrete. Kurt didnt see the city like Blaine had come to realize, Kurt was still in love with it in the way Blaine had originally. He was more aware than he was in high school, but his eyes still sparkled as he said,

"Can you believe we made it here?"

He couldnt steal that light. He couldnt tell Kurt that he was having trouble taking everything in. Blaine wanted him to stay the way he was, because he wanted to be like that too.

Bags the color of the night sky formed under his eyes, mocking him in a sadistic manner as he prodded at them in the mirror. He hadnt had a good nights sleep in a while, and he was starting to worry for himself more than he already was. He felt broken, a human with a malfunction, or a virus. Instead of thinking all night, he started to cry on some and stare vacantly on others. He made sure Kurt was asleep before he left their bed, going off to weep as silently as possible. When he was finished, tears all dry, he would resume his position where his head fit perfectly on Kurts chest. Blaine listened to the rhythm of his heart, hoping his would fall in sync to make his body stop shaking.

When Kurt woke up he pretended he was asleep, loving the way Kurt tried to wake him by sweet kisses and brushing his fingers though Blaines loose curls.

Blaine started to look worse as the days passed, midnight colored bags becoming more prominent as his posture deteriorated to leaning and slouching. Kurt noticed right away, Blaine could see his eyes linger with curiosity and concern. He was changing, but not how Kurt had changed. He was changing to be worse, he let himself dig a hole and he was jumping in it. Kurt pried, trying to understand the new behavior without getting Blaine to shut off completely.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked one night before he dozed off. Blaine had his head on his chest in the regular position, feeling his chest rumble with the vibrations from his sleepy voice.

"Im stressed out from school," Which wasnt a lie, but it wasnt why he had been acting so weird.

"Is that all?" Of course Kurt was smarter than that. Blaine couldnt hide anything from Kurt.

"Yeah. I think so." He mumbled quietly.

Kurt was flat on his back, looking to the ceiling with sad eyes. He moved his arm to be under Blaines head, then switched their position so that they were facing each other so close he could practically taste the remnants of toothpaste on Kurts breath. Kurt pulled him into an intimate hug, holding him snugly against his warm body, burying his nose into the side of Blaines neck.

"I love you, you know." The sound was muffled by his clothing, the words caused him to tear up.

"I know. I love you too, so much."

Blaine had never been like this to him, it felt so wrong not telling. Kurt was his best friend, he should have been able to. But he knew he couldnt. Kurt was doing well for himself in the city. He had Vogue and NYADA and his job at the diner, and Blaine was falling on his face. He couldnt bring Kurt down. He had mentioned to Kurt before about being put on antidepressants after the Sadie Hawkins incident, and the look in his eye was something Blaine never wanted to see again.

Kurts breathing evened, signaling that he was sound asleep. Blaine struggled out of his grasp carefully and went to go cry on the sofa. He could barely keep himself silent as fat tears streaked his face. He just wanted to get to sleep. All he wanted was to sleep.

After he was done crying he was exhausted, face red and puffy. He crawled back in his spot and listened to Kurts heartbeat. It was the steady rhythm of Im here Im here Im here that he needed to calm himself down.

He spent the rest of the night looking out of the window, then watching Kurt sleep peacefully. Blaine didnt understand how Kurt looked so stunning all the time. Blaine wasnt sure why Kurt still bothered with him when he lied to him and avoided conversation since he started acting weird.

It wasnt until a few days later when he was caught in his antics. It was inevitable that Kurt would find out, but Blaine was still upset that he did.

He was out on the couch sobbing harder than usual. His lungs heaved, diaphragm worn out and tired, hands shaking hard. The thoughts in his head haunted him like a poltergeist. Blaine had a rough day at school. He had failed one of his exams. He noticed how much weight he had lost in the course of two months, and the ever-present bags under his eyes made him look exhausted and somber. Kurt tried asking how he was again, and he didnt have an answer. He couldnt lie anymore. He just left it as a "I dont know," and shut himself off. He still hadnt slept.

He didnt feel broken, he felt shattered.

Blaine held his hand tightly over his mouth, muffling his sobs. Thats where he heard footsteps behind him.

"Blaine?" He asked, rubbing his eyes blearily.

He couldnt get a reply out. He didnt know what to say if he could. Kurt sobered the moment he realized what Blaine was doing, going over to the couch to comfort him as he shook with sobs, soaking Kurts shoulder. Kurt rubbed his back in the soothing way he always did, causing Blaine to settle down and practically coo in his arms. He only had hiccups left after. Kurt dragged him back to their bed, so they could talk away from their roommate.

"Please talk to me," Kurt pleaded, sounding small and desperate. "I know you arent okay. Please tell me whats wrong."

Blaine wanted to kiss the worry off his face, he wanted to get into bed and listen to his heartbeat and hope it all blew over. But it couldnt. They had to talk about it.

"Im really stressed," He struggled to get out through the constrictions in his throat.

"Blaine, I know its not just school."

"No, I mean. Kurt, I havent slept in days." He felt like crying again. "Im exhausted, and I dont know why I cant. Ive been thinking so much. And the noise doesnt help, or school, or anything." He was crying. Kurts hands looked like they were deciding to either cup Blaines face or hold his hand. He scooted closer on the bed, putting a hand over Blaines and the other on the side of his neck comfortingly.

"Why didnt you tell me sooner?" He sounded hurt. Fuck, he never meant to hurt him. Everything was wrong.

"You handle it so well, Kurt. You move here and its like you, you belong."

"And you dont?"

"I love it here. I do. But I feel so out of place, it hurts. I want to take New York by storm, like you did, but I just, I cant. Ive let myself go. Right now, Im just trying my best not to become a bitter person from it."

"You could never be bitter," Kurt laughed through the tears gathering in his eyes. "It took me time too, you just werent here yet."

Kurt have him a sad smile. Blaine returned it meekly and wiped his face. They both leaned forward, wrapping their arms around each other as their lips met. Kurt pulled away and they settled back onto the mattress, closer than before. Neither of them were tired anymore.

"And Blaine, if you are overwhelmed, or stressed, please let me help. I really hate not talking to you."

Blaine closed his eyes and laid his head over Kurts chest, wrapping his arms around has abdomen tightly, feeling the last of his tears dry.

"Im sorry."

"Dont be." His hands tangled in Blaines hair, petting him soothingly.

They werent done talking. Blaine still had things to tell, and Kurt still had questions. But they were both exhausted.

Blaine laid on Kurts chest, listening to their hearts beating together as one being, their breathing synced. Kurt kept a firm grip on Blaine, and Blaine held him back. They both knew either of them wouldnt leave at the time, but it felt like holding onto a life line. Like their hearts were tethered, pulling tighter on each end.

Kurt tried to stay up with him, Blaine could tell by the way he breathed and felt against him that he was fighting off sleep. It was around three when Kurt succumbed to it, going pliant and relaxed all over. Blaine held on just as tight, listening to the steady beat of Kurts heart.

Im here Im here Im here

Blaine let his eyes slip close, and for the first time in days his mind relaxed. His breathing slowed, muscles letting go of all the tension he had pent up for so long.

He slept in that morning bathed in the bright light of the dawn. It was a dreamless sleep. He only awoke when he couldnt feel Kurts heart beating against his own. He felt a kiss to his forehead, then his cheek, then the tip of his nose, and finally a sweet kiss to his lips. Another kiss. And another.

He looked at Kurt through his long lashes. He was petting Blaines hair and holding him as tight as he was that night. His face was open, soft almost. It felt as intimate as sex, staring into each others eyes in the pale morning, wrapped up in each other like they were the last people on earth.

It was so loving, he didnt mind talking about his sleeping problems anymore.

He wondered why he hadnt told Kurt sooner.

They spent all morning together in their bed, apologizing and sharing thoughts. And kissing, kissing, kissing.