Don’t You

Say, wasn’t that a funny day?
Gee, you had a funny way—a way about you.
A kind of glow of something new.

Kurt Hummel was special. There was no other way to describe him. And that was a fact that Blaine Anderson knew all too well, thank you very much.

“Excuse me, um, hi, can I ask you a question? I’m new here.”

Blaine also knew, all too well, that Kurt was not, in fact, a new student. He just stuck out like, well, like a sore thumb. But in the best way possible. He radiated confidence, but his eyes held a kind of sadness Blaine had only seen in one other set of eyes—his own, back in his public school days.  Dalton was a school that encouraged blending in and conformity. Kurt was not a boy who believed in either, one glance was enough to tell him that. And he was clearly a spy from a rival school, a fact made even more evident by his obvious interest in Dalton’s glee club. But Blaine just ignored this fact, smiled, took the new boy’s hand, and said:

“Come on, I know a shortcut.”

Sure—I’ll admit that I’m the same.
Another sucker for a game kids like to play
And the rules they like to use.

Blaine used to be like Kurt: different, maybe even special. But that meant he shared another thing with Kurt: the bullying. High school is a terrible place to be trapped for four years, but when you are different, when you are special, sometimes it is much worse. Blaine knew this better than anyone. His own past was full of miserable days of taunting and teasing, the frequent punch or shove, stares when he did not want them and no one noticing when he did.

“I got taunted at my old school and it really— pissed me off.”

So when the faculty at his old school failed to really care what was happening, he left. He found shelter in Dalton’s walls, but at a price: he never felt like he could truly be himself within the school. He felt as though some part of him had been sacrificed for tolerance. He just could not bring himself to do anything about it as he was so grateful for the security and acceptance.

“Everyone gets treated the same, no matter what they are.”

Don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel for you?

Would he even bother trying to conceal his fondness for Kurt? No he would not, at least not to himself. He was not sure yet exactly what the extent of his attachment to the boy was. Was he a mentor for Kurt? A friend? Something else? But, no, he could not contemplate such a ridiculous notion. Kurt needed a friend, and only a friend. At least for now.

“It’s just nice to have someone to talk to.”

And Blaine would not deny that he appreciated the other boy’s company. He saw himself in Kurt. Scared, small, lonely. He wished every day that he might be able to help Kurt get through his situation, but he knew it was probably pointless. Blaine had not been able to help himself and what Kurt was going through was worse, much worse.

“It seems like you might be a little confused.”

The sun: telling me the night is done.
Well I refuse to let it stop our fun.
Close your eyes—we’ll make it dark again

Lately, Blaine had rediscovered what it meant to be truly happy. And lately, he had only felt that way with Kurt.

“Someone special?”

In truth, there was no one more special than Kurt. Blaine was not exactly sure where the two stood or what may happen between them in the future. But, somehow, that did not matter. What mattered was the here and now of the time they spent together. Blaine could push aside his growing feelings in favor of the simple friendship Kurt so clearly needed. It pained him to have to return to reality after long phone conversations or trips to their favorite coffee shop. When they were together, everything else dissolved into nonexistence. Bullies, school, general drama—all of it be damned.

“I don’t wanna screw this up.”

And kiss; there’s a thought, so how ’bout this?
Let’s pretend that both our lips are made of candy.
After all, we need sweets every now and then.

It had become increasingly difficult to be close to Kurt. Every glance, every casual touch, everything made Blaine fall harder and harder for the younger boy. And as much as he wanted to simply give into his heart and place a soft kiss on the other boy’s lips, he knew he could not. He knew Kurt had to truly want his next kiss, since his first had been such a disaster.

“Because, until yesterday, I had never been kissed,”

And Blaine could not help but feel guilty, as though the loss of Kurt’s first kiss with a boy was his own fault. In a way, it was, for it was Blaine’s advice that ultimately led to the bully’s actions. And so, as much as it pained him to do so, Blaine forced himself to hold his restraint. It actually could be quite simple, so long as he refrained from imagining how Kurt’s lips might taste, or how it would feel to run his hands through the younger boy’s perfect hair, or the thrill of... oops.

“Gosh your lips look delicious.”

Don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel for you?

But no matter how much fun they had, it never solved anything. The bully, fearful for his secret, had stepped up his game:

“I’m gonna kill you.”

Blaine usually considered himself an even-tempered person and he hated very few people. But when he heard how broken Kurt sounded over the phone every time Karofsky pushed things further, he could not help but want to tear the bully to pieces. And when Kurt announced his pending transfer to Dalton, the only thing that kept Blaine from doing so was Kurt’s desperate pleading with him to leave things as they were.

“My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition.”

Here we are: two strangers in a very different place.
Who knows what could happen to us next?

It really was an incredibly unfair thing to say to Kurt:

“Have you noticed we all wear uniforms here?”

Blaine cursed himself daily for letting those words slip out. True, he had only been trying to help his friend adjust to Dalton, but there had to have been a better, gentler thing to say. As much as Blaine cared for his younger friend, he had to admit Kurt had a long way to go before he could fit in at Dalton. He remembered his own first days, more vividly than he wanted to. Adjusting had taken some time, fitting in took even longer, and he had wanted to fit in. Kurt wanted to stand out.

“I know it’s gonna take some getting used to, but you’ll fit in soon enough. I promise,”

Here we are with nothing but this little spark.
It’s too cold outside to lay this fire to rest.

He could not help but smile. This moment was too perfect to be spoiled by anything.

“I got a gig singing ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ in the King’s Island Christmas Spectacular.”

So, maybe he had made that part up. King’s Island had not actually hosted a Christmas show in years, but Kurt did not need to know that. Blaine just wanted an excuse to sing with the countertenor, and this popped into his mind. Now they were singing one of the flirtiest songs Blaine knew and dancing around the common room playfully. Blaine knew after this song he would not be able to deny his feelings for Kurt any longer. He wanted to protect the boy as best as he could. The world would not be kind to them, but together, Blaine was sure they would be fine.

“Baby, it’s cold outside.”

Go? How so very apropos:
A goodbye just as soon as I said “Hello.”
Well alright, I’ll see you later.

He felt like he had been slapped across the face. He also felt like he had expected it in some way. What he had not expected was how soon it would happen or how much it would hurt him when it did. But none of that mattered. What mattered was Kurt.

“I’m transferring.”

Blaine could not let this decision be about himself. He knew if he did, Kurt would doubt himself, and this was Kurt’s choice to make. He refused to say how he really felt when Kurt made his announcement. He was nothing but congratulations and smiles as the countertenor explained how Karofsky had been expelled for good after giving one of the other glee boys—Sam?—a black eye in front of a teacher. Before he turned away to return to his dorm and pack his things for his immediate transfer, Kurt gave Blaine a weak smile and whispered:

 “Sorry, I have to go.”

It’s true: it’s just a fantasy for two.
But what’s the difference if it all could have been true?
I guess this is better.

Kurt seemed to know how Blaine felt even without the older boy voicing his thoughts. In the short time since they had met, the two had become inseparable.

“Which is why it’s so hard for me to leave,”

So Kurt felt it too. That desperate need to be together, even if all they would ever be was simple friends. Except that they were not simple friends. They were more. Over the past few months, the boys had developed an attachment to each other that could not be described or broken. They had come to understand each other in a way no one else ever had, in a way no one else ever could. Together, they felt they could conquer the world for a change, instead of their usual feeling of being conquered. They had been through so much, together and apart, but it all seemed easier once in each others’ company. So while they were not exactly more that friends, their relationship seemed to be blossoming into more. Into… love? Maybe, but Blaine pushed that thought away for the time being. Kurt was leaving. It did not really matter what could have been.

“You brought me to life.”

But don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel for you?

It had been a week. One long painful week without Kurt. Blaine knew the other boy’s transfer had been the best thing for him, but Blaine felt lost and alone without his friend.

“Kurt’s gone, and he’s not coming back.”

Since Kurt had returned to McKinley, Blaine had slumped into a state of depression. He moved through his daily motions numbly, not seeing or feeling anything. Wes and David were getting tired of seeing Blaine this way, barely even a shadow of his usual self. Kurt had called once since his transfer, but that short phone call had been the only time Blaine had been able to come out of his misery. As soon as he hung up, his smile disappeared. He barely spoke, he only ate when Wes and David nearly force-fed him, he did not even bother to attend Warbler’s practice, and most days he blew off his homework.

“And I try to stay strong about it.”

Oh, don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel?
Don’t you want the way I feel for you?

Wes and David had had enough. They arranged for Blaine and Kurt to hang out over the weekend. Which means it is safe to assume they threatened his manhood if he was not himself again by Monday.

“That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.”

And so Blaine and Kurt found themselves sitting in their favorite coffee shop facing each other, two untouched drinks on the table between them. After several moments of awkward silence, Blaine spoke. He only intended to ask Kurt how life back at McKinley was treating him, but somehow, before he could realize what he was saying, everything came pouring out. Confessions of how much he missed the smaller boy slipped out quickly and Blaine was in the middle of explaining his feelings for his companion when his word vomit was cut off by a soft pair of lips on his.

“On the upside I’m in love with him and he’s actually gay.”

Don’t you want the way that I feel for you?

Blaine could not say exactly what it was about Kurt that made him so special, but maybe it was not really a single thing. Maybe it was everything about him.