There where photo albums scattered all across the floor.

The photos were of a wedding. A fabulous, white spring wedding out in the open. There were smiling faces everywhere and the couple was smiling with their whole faces at the camera. There were pictures of the two of them walking down the aisle, holding hands and smiling. There were pictures of the kiss, and of the newlyweds dancing with so much love in their eyes it almost seemed unreal.

 Blaine sat on the floor with a cup of scolding coffee in his hands, a blanket wrapped tightly around his body. He looked down at the memories and ghosted a hand over one of his favorites, the one where he’d smeared cake on Kurt’s nose, and in the photo the blue eyes man was seen looking at Blaine with a disapproving pout. Everyone around them, including Blaine himself, were laughing, a smile tugging on Kurt’s lips as well.  

 He smiled at the photo, eyes watering again.

Blaine’s eyes were red and decorated with heavy dark bags from the total lack of sleep and his hair was a curly mess, not to speak of the stubble on his cheeks that were threatening to become an actual beard if he didn’t shave it any time soon. He’d worn the same clothes for he didn’t know how long and they were covered in coffee stains and wreaked with sweat. But the funny thing was; Blaine didn’t have a care in the world about any of that.

All he cared about was Kurt. All he could think of was Kurt. His Kurt. He was all that was on the young man’s mind.

  “Blaine? You in there?”

Blaine groaned and pulled at his hair.

“No.” he responded gruffly.

The door squeaked open and a head peered inside.

“Oh my god, Blaine.” the tiny woman shook her head. “Have you been sitting there the whole time since I was here last time?”

“Leave me alone, Rachel.” he muttered, hugging his knees.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “You need to get up from the floor. You can’t just sit there and mope.”

“Who’s gonna stop me?”

“I am.” she said sternly and walked over to him.

“Rachel please don’t. I don’t –“

“Blaine. You have to get yourself together. You need to eat something and then you need to sleep. When was the last time you slept?”

Blaine shrugged tiredly.

“Right. And then you need to change your clothes and shave. You look horrible.”

“Rachel. Please stop it…” Blaine whispered and she finally stopped speaking.

“I can’t.” he said and she looked at his pained face.

“Come here.” she said softly and sat down on the couch.

He got in his feet and his knees creaked slightly as he did. He’d been sitting in that same position for god knows how long. A lot longer than for it to be healthy, for sure.

“Rachel…” Blaine mumbled once he’d sat down. “Why’d you keep coming here? I’m sure you’ve got better things to do.”

She sighs softly. “I don’t, actually. Mariam’s at school and Finn’s at work. So I was alone. And I can’t be alone without starting to think, y’know.”

“Yeah… I know.”

They hugged and Blaine felt like a bad person when he didn’t feel comfort from it. Not as much as Kurt’s arms around him used to comfort him, that was.

 “Why won’t he let me visit him?” Blaine asked brokenly after a while of silence.

“I don’t know. It’s just a part of who he is, I guess. Pushing people away when things get rough –it’s just the way he works.”

“Yeah I know, but… I don’t get it. Why is he still doing it after all these years? I mean he shouldn’t –“

“Kurt loves you. And that’s all that matters right now, isn’t it?”

That was the first time Blaine had heard his husband’s name spoken out loud for he didn’t know how long and it made the tears swell up in his eyes and they were falling down his face before he could stop them.

“I don’t… I need to see him. I can’t stand being here alone; everything in this apartment, in my life, reminds me of him.” Blaine’s voice cracked slightly.

 “I can’t stand sleeping in my bed whilst Kurt’s side is empty and cold. I can’t stand the thought that I may never come home to him fixing dinner and singing happily in the kitchen, or seeing him shine up whenever he gets a new fashion idea.” Blaine dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming, but to no use.

“Every time I hear steps outside I look up, hoping for it to be Kurt. But it never is.” he sobbed quietly and when he looked at the woman next to him, a couple of tears were falling down her face as well.

“I can’t stand living without him, Rachel.” he whispered.

“I know, I know.” she cooed. “But it’ll be all right. Somehow, sometime, it’ll all work out. He’ll get better and you’ll get to see his smile again. I promise.”

“Don’t promise things you can’t keep.” he muttered stubbornly.

He was being a child, he knew that. But Blaine didn’t know how else to act. He was living on the brink of insanity. Knowing Kurt was so sick and that he wouldn’t let him come see him.

It broke him apart, crushed him into a million, miserable, pieces.

  “Would you please leave?” Blaine asked tiredly when Rachel had made him change his clothes and shave his almost-beard. She’d even made him soup, and it’d been the first cooked meal Blaine had eaten for days.

“Sure, but just promise you’ll call if you need anything.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Rachel was acting like a mother and Blaine wasn’t completely sure what he thought about that. She was good at it, he guessed, but he didn’t want Rachel to take care of him now when he was feeling down. He wanted Kurt. But he knew that wasn’t possible at that moment. So he was just going be quiet and appreciated that someone was able to stand him.

 Kurt had been diagnosed with leukemia three years ago, and it had now moved into phase three. He was in the hospital and had been there for about a month by now. The doctors did everything to make it better for him, but as far as he’d understood it, the cancer had spread throughout Kurt’s whole body and there wasn’t a very great change of them to hold it under control. Last time Blaine had visited him, he’d lost weight and almost all of his beautiful hair and had just lied in his bed, sweating and shivering.

Blaine couldn’t sleep without seeing that picture of him in his dreams, making every second of it a nightmare.

 Things only got worse when he’d gone to the hospital one day and they wouldn’t let him see him. It was the way Kurt wanted things, apparently.

After that Blaine had just about isolated himself from the world around him. He’d gone home and locked the door and he hadn’t left after that. It had been around two weeks now, and he still hadn’t set foot outside the apartment. Why should he? There was nothing out there for him.

Rachel came over every now and then, checking if he was okay. Sometimes a little too often, but he wouldn’t say anything since the tiny woman took time out of her busy schedule as a mother, wife and Broadway actress, just to come and see him. It may not take that long for her to get to the big mid-city apartment, but it was still a very kind gesture and Blaine appreciated it. But Rachel still didn’t even begin to fill the void in his life that used to be filled by Kurt.

“Rachel, can you come over?” Blaine asked in a low voice.

“Yeah, sure, right now?” she asked over the phone.

“That’d be good, yes.”

 It had been a week since last time she’d visited now. Or, she had been there; Blaine just wouldn’t let her in.

  “What is it?” the brunette asked once she had arrived.

“They keep calling from the hospital.” Blaine mumbled, though the word came out muffled since he once again sat curled up in a blanket, this time with the fabric covering half of his face.

“So?” Rachel took off her coat and threw it over one the armchairs, something she’d never be allowed to do if Kurt had been there.

“So, what if something bad have happened.” the male said, traces of panic shining in his eyes. “What if he’s–“

 The two of them jumped as the phone rang again. Rachel got up and collected it from its stand and tried to hand it to Blaine, who just shook his head stubbornly. She rolled her eyes at him and said something in form of ‘you’re so mature’, before answering herself.

Blaine whimpered quietly into his blanket as the brunette’s face got serious and his breath hitched in his throat when she hung up with a short ‘thank you miss.’

“What was it?” he asked hesitantly, eyes screwed shut tightly, as if it would somehow block out the answer if it was a bad one.

“Firstly, please stop acting like a child, Blaine, you’re an adult and a married man–“

“Please just tell me what they wanted?”

“They wanted to call and tell us that Kurt –“

“Oh god is he dead?” Blaine shrieked, pressing his face against his knees.

Rachel frowned but laughed quietly and Blaine peered up at her.

“No, he’s still alive. And–“ she made a short pause, making Blaine want to tear his hair out. “He wants you to come and see him.” 

 “Kurt…” Blaine nearly whispered when he finally sat by the man’s side again.

An eyelid opened slightly and finally, finally, he saw the cyan colored eyes again after all this time. But the moment wasn’t as a happy as Blaine had hoped for, for the eyes he now looked into were so empty. The fire that had before always burned so strongly was gone and now there was just… death. Lost hopes and dreams. It broke Blaine apart to see such an amazing human being so broken. Especially when this particular human being was Kurt Hummel, the man Blaine loved more than anything in this world.

“Hi” Kurt whispered back, voice so extremely low and hoarse Blaine was barely able to hear it. A weak smiled tucked on the sick male’s lips when he’d finally focused his tired eyes properly.

“I missed you.” Kurt croaked and Blaine could feel his throat thickening. He wanted to ask Kurt why he’d shut him for all those weeks so bad, but the former brunette was so weak and fragile looking, he didn’t dare to. He was just happy he was finally able to see him again.

“How are you?” He knew it was a stupid question, but he needed to hear Kurt’s voice.

“I –not that good…” Kurt groaned and made a little grimace. The curly haired male reached out and took one of Kurt’s slender hands in his.

“My body hurts so bad Blaine…” he told him and he could feel the tears starting to build up in his eyes.

“I can’t keep any food down and I barely have any hair left.” Blaine looked at the thin cloth-like thing on Kurt’s head and he felt his heart break even more. He knew how much Kurt had always loved his hair, how fond he was of it. So for him to lose it… it must’ve been so hard for him.

“Oh, baby…” Blaine said, voice a little thick. “Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

“Never leave me?”

“Never.” he confirmed and kissed the man’s knuckles.

“Good. ‘Cause I need you. I need you by my side, need you to be the last thing I ever see.” Blaine snapped his head up to look at Kurt.

“Don’t say things like that.”

“Blaine, you can’t stop denying it. I’m not going to survive this. I’ve accepted it, and now it’s your turn.”

Tears started to fall from the man’s hazel eyes and he shook his head.

“No. I won’t believe that.” he said sternly. “You’ll get through this. You have to get through this, Kurt. You can’t leave me. And you can’t leave all your dreams. What about –“

“Honey, please. I’ve tried thinking like that, ever since the second I woke up and found myself in this hospital bed, but I’ve come to realize that… I won’t get through this alive.” Kurt was more awake now and he was able to speak without as much of an effort, but his voice was still thin and hoarse.

“Just look at me, Blaine. I can’t even stand up anymore, my body is too weak, too infected. I’m nothing like my former self anymore. I don’t have my dreams, I don’t have the hopes or the ambition. It’s all gone now. All I have left to do now is wait.”  

“Kurt…”

Blaine didn’t know what to do with himself. Why was Kurt saying things like that? Why had he just given up? Why had he stopped fighting? The blue eyed man had always been the strongest person Blaine had ever known. So why was he now lying there, basically telling him that he wanted to... no. He couldn’t even think it.

“You… you have to…”

“Blainey, I can’t. Please understand.”

“Was that what you told Rachel earlier too? That you’re not going to make it?”

“No, I…”
“Then why tell me? Why could you tell Rachel whatever you told her and not me?”

“Because…” Kurt closed his eyes, looking so beat up and just… done with everything.

“You’re not Rachel. You're you, Blaine, and you’re different. I love you, I love you like I’ll never love anyone else… and I… can’t lie to you in the state… I’m in right now.”

“I know, I’m sorry…” Blaine whispered, feeling guilty for asking in the first place.

Kurt smiled weakly. “I’m… going to sleep for a…while.” he breathed after a while, clearly exhausted.

“Okay. You –you want me to leave?”

“No.” the grip around his hand tightened slightly. “Don’t leave.”

Blaine nodded with a fond smile on his lips. He leaned forward and kissed Kurt’s forehead softly and the pale boy hummed quietly, already halfway to sleep.

That night Blaine sat in a chair right outside of Kurt’s room, ears concentrated on the steady beep of his heart that could be heard from inside the little room.

Around midnight Rachel got up and bought him a cup of coffee before driving home. When asked if he wanted to come with her, Blaine had just shook his head numbly, staring at the dark brown liquid in the paper cup in his hands.

“I won’t leave him, Rachel.” he mumbled when she told him that he should come with her. “He wants me to stay.”

She nodded, a sad look on her face.

“I’ll be here tomorrow when I’m done at work.”

She hugged him and Blaine was just able to lift one arm and place it on her back.

His body felt so numb and heavy.

Kurt only had days left to live.

Soon he’d be gone forever. And he would take Blaine’s heart with him.

He knew that it was beyond selfish to think like he did, but the thought of how alone he’d be once Kurt was gone kept creeping into his mind. Kurt was a part of him; there was no other way to explain it than like that. And losing a part of yourself is horrible. He wouldn’t be the same human without Kurt, wouldn’t be able to know who he was. He couldn’t live without him. It may make him weak, but that was the truth. Him and Kurt belonged together, they were one. Always had been, since the day they met all those years ago in a stairway at Dalton Academy. The moment he saw the boy’s blue eyes he had felt like he’d finally found the missing piece of himself. Of course, since being the oblivious teenager he’d been back then, it had taken him a while to understand just how much Kurt meant to him.

During the past twelve years together they’d shared so many moments together, but not nearly enough. They hadn’t fulfilled their dreams together yet. Hadn’t adopted children or bought a lighthouse. They hadn’t even been to Paris yet.

And now they’d never get the chance. Because Kurt only had hours left to live.

Soon he’d be gone and Blaine would be left behind. He’d be incomplete again. But this time, there would be no chance for him to find the puzzle piece that would fill the void inside him, because he had already found it. And soon it was going to be torn out and away from him.

“How are you today?”

“I’m… I don’t know. I feel weird. Like I can’t really feel my body.”

“That –doesn’t sound too good.” Blaine mumbled.

“Maybe not. But at least it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did before.”

“Kurt… how long do you think you’ll…?”

“I have no idea. The doctors seem troubled so I guess it’s not long now.”

Blaine made a grimace as to start crying but Kurt reached out a bony hand and stroke his cheek softly, calming him. His hand was so cold and thin and it was just… it was so hard for Blaine not to break down on the spot at how sick his lover was.

“It will be okay, baby.” Kurt reassured and Blaine chuckled bitterly.

“Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to tell you that?”

Kurt gave him a loving smile. “No. Not in this situation. You’re the one that’s suffering the most. I can tell.”

“I… I’m so sorry Kurt. I’m sorry for being so weak all the time I’m–“

“Blaine. It’s fine. I understand that this is hard for you. I’ve been in your situation, remember?”

Yeah, Blaine remembered. Kurt had lost his mother to cancer when he was a child.

“Yeah but… you were a child. I’m not; I’m supposed to be an adult.”

“Losing people you love is hard, no matter what age.”

How come Kurt always managed to be so extremely intelligent? Even in a moment like this?

“I love you so much Kurt.”

“I love you too. And that will never change.”

Kurt ran a hand through Blaine’s messy curls and smiled at him again.

“How can you be so calm?”

“I’m not. Or at least, I wasn’t. I was panicking. But I’ve come to accept that there’s nothing I can do. This is what’s going to happen. It’s my fate, if you want to put it like that.”

“You’re so amazing.”

“I’m really not. Not anymore.” Kurt protested.

“You are. Always have been and always will be.”

Hours passed and they became days. Days became weeks and Kurt became weaker and weaker. He was barely able to talk anymore and then one day when Blaine came to the hospital after a quick trip home to shower and change clothing, he was barely able to get into Kurt’s room. There were nurses and doctors everywhere and Blaine’s vision went blurry once he understood what was going on.

“Kurt…” he mumbled, barely able to keep himself off the floor.

“I need to see him.” Blaine said numbly when a nurse tried to hinder him from going inside.

“We cannot let anyone in at the moment, Sir.” she said in a professional voice.

“I don’t care. I –let me through please. I’m his husband.” he told them and showed them his left hand. “He said he wanted me there with him when –“

And so he was by Kurt’s side. The man was falling in and out of consciousness and when his eyes were open they were filled with panic and weren’t able to focus on anything. He took a pale hand in his own and stroke Kurt’s cheek, not caring about any maybe existing homophobes in the room, there wasn’t a single thing that mattered less than them at that moment.

“Kurt.” Blaine tried desperately to keep his voice calm. “Kurt, can you hear me?”

There was no reaction. The machine beside his bed that was supposed to record the man’s heartbeat bleeped unevenly and Blaine’s own heart stopped every time the beeping stopped temporarily.

“What’s going on?” he asked in panic but was completely unable to take in the answer that was given to him hastily. All he understood and was able to register was that things were bad and that they didn’t know exactly what was going on.

Blaine was panicking but then finally he saw Kurt’s eyes focusing on his own.

“B–blai–“

“Shh, honey, don’t talk.” Blaine cooed and realized he was crying. “It’ll be okay, it’s all going to work out. You’ll be fine.”

Kurt tried to move his head as to shake it in protest but failed, clearly too weak.

“No…” he managed to croak. “Th–ere’s no… wa –h–ay ou…t”

Blaine heard himself let out a broken sob but wasn’t able to control it. He didn’t have control over his body. All he could think of was Kurt and how he was lying there in front of him, telling him that this was it.

“Kurt…” he cried. “Please… Don’t.”

Kurt found Blaine’s eyes one last time and in that second of eye contact the two of them shared every moment of love they’d shared over theyears.

The very first moment they’d met. Blaine singing Teenage Dream and helping Kurt confront Karofsky. The Gap fiasco. Kurt singing Blackbird and Blaine realizing he loved him. Their first kiss. Blaine singing his goodbyes to Kurt when he transferred back to McKinley, Kurt promising that he would never say goodbye to him. Prom. The first time Blaine ever told Kurt he loved him. Him transferring to McKinley. The night at Scandals, their first time. Their sneaky kisses in the hallway when nobody was around. Blaine giving Kurt the promise ring, promising that he’d always love him.

The memories went by quicker and quicker, and there was the time when they’d ran into each other in the jewelry shop, both of them looking for engagement rings. There were all the nights Kurt had spent planning their wedding. And then their wedding. Everything after that went by as quickly as the memories from time they’d spent apart when Kurt had been in New York and Blaine still in Ohio.

 Blaine smiled, a weird happy but sad smile, and looked down at Kurt. Everything around them was a blur, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Kurt was looking at Blaine and for the last time he whispered to him:

“I love you. More than anything in this world.”

“I love you too. Always.” Blaine whispered back, tears never stopping.

Then everything fell apart when the most beautiful eyes Blaine had ever seen went dead. The last sparks of love and life had left and now they were just staring at nothing. The hand in his went slack and Blaine held back a scream.

Because Kurt was dead.

Gone.

He would never come back now.

And that hit Blaine so hard that he lost the ability to sit straight. He caved his body and it fell over Kurt’s. His head rested on the man’s stomach but there was no reaction. There was no hum in approvement, no arm that curled around his body or no hand running through his hair.

No soft voice telling him he loved him.

There was no reaction and it killed Blaine.

There was nothing left inside that body on the hospital bed anymore. It was just a shell. Blaine did no longer feel the pull towards it, did no longer feel the strong need to be close to it. Because this wasn’t Kurt. Not anymore. Now it was just Kurt’s body. Cold and dead in his arms.  

Blaine felt a pair of hands on a shoulder and a soft voice telling him to leave. But he couldn’t move. Couldn’t do anything but just sit there with his face buried in what used to be Kurt. The hospital gown still smelled of the man he loved and it made another sod escape his lips. He already missed Kurt so insanely much and he didn’t know what to do. Ever since he met him he’d always felt this pull towards him, had always felt like they were connected with this sort of thread. He’d always felt Kurt’s presence somehow even if they weren’t together. But now that was gone. The invisible thread was still there, but when he tried to reach out to what had always been on the other side, he found nothing. Just a ripped off end.

  The next thing Blaine knew he found himself in that same plastic chair just outside of Kurt’s room. Or, what used to be Kurt’s room. He curled himself up in the hard, uncomfortable seat, hugging his knees.

“Blaine?” called a worried voice. “Blaine, what’s wrong?”

The man looked up, vision still blurred, and saw a small human stand by his side. It took him a second to remember who it was, or to even recognize her.

“Rachel.” Blaine mumbled.

“What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.” she pleaded. “What is–have something happened to Kurt?”

Blaine whimpered weakly at the sound of the name.

“Blaine…?”

But Blaine couldn’t answer. He couldn’t speak the words. So he simply looked up at her from where he sat, still curled up like a little ball after he didn’t know how long. His eyes were tired and glazy and his cheeks and nose were red and swollen from the crying. His breathing was heavy and raspy from the screams he hadn’t been able to keep inside and his sleeves were soaked with tears.

And so Rachel seemed to put two and two together and fell to the ground. She let out a sod and a pained ‘no’ and at the sight of the crying woman, Blaine fell apart again.

He pulled at his hair as new streams of tears ran down his already tearstained face. He was such a mess but he didn’t care.

Because Kurt was gone and he was never coming back.

Blaine’s life became a living hell the next couple of month. Everything in their apartment reminded him of Kurt, and this time it was so much worse that it was before when he wasn’t allowed to see him. Because back then he at least knew Kurt was alive. Now he knew he wasn’t. So now things were just unbearable.

Life was so incredibly unfair; Blaine almost didn’t want to go on living.

Because what was he supposed to do now when he didn’t have Kurt by his side anymore?

Who was he, really? Because who he was had so much to do with Kurt and now… who was he on his own? What was he supposed to do? What do you do when everything, your whole existence, really, hurt?

How do you heal after losing a part of yourself?

  Blaine had no idea what he was going to do, and he was balancing on the thin line between depression and... well, insanity. Everything was so not worth doing and Blaine just wanted to somehow stop the pain.

Nightmares hunted him every night in his sleep and sometimes he even had hallucinations of a brown haired, slender, man standing with his back to Blaine. But he never saw Kurt’s face again. Not ever, but on the hundreds of pictures from the past years that Blaine couldn’t seem to stop looking through.

But then, just once, he finally got to meat Kurt face to face again.

  ”Kurt.” Blaine breathed and the male smiled softly.

“What are you –Oh god, Kurt, I miss you so much.” he whispered, voice already cracking.

“I miss you. God… I don’t –why’d have to leave?”

“We all have to, sooner or later.”

“But why you?” Blaine asked brokenly. “I’m so alone without you, Kurt; I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.”

“You're not alone, Blaine, you’re not.”

“Yes I am! You're not here anymore! You're gone. And I'm –here, and I'm alone without you by my side. I feel so… empty. It’s like –a part of me is gone.” Blaine was crying quietly and Kurt reached out to wipe away his tears.

“I love you.” he croaked and took Kurt’s hand in his, and the hand wasn’t bony and weak as it had been the last time he’d had it in his own. It made Blaine happy, to know that Kurt wasn’t suffering anymore.

“I love you too.” Kurt smiled back. “And nothing will ever change that. Nothing can ever stop me from loving you with all of my heart, Blaine.”

The man let out a sob. He let the tears roll down his cheeks as he watched the angel sitting beside him on their bed. Because that had to be what he was now, right? An angel?

“Shh, it’s okay, baby, it’s okay...” Kurt cooed in his hear.

“What happened to our forever, Kurt? We were supposed to spend the rest of forever together.” Blaine said through the tears.

“And that hasn’t changed. We still are. My forever belongs to you, Blaine Hummel Anderson.”

“But how?” he asked. “How can we when you're–“

“I'm still right here with you, honey. I'm still by your side every step of the way.” He stroke Blaine’s curls gently.

“In here,” he said, placing a hand over Blaine’s heart. “I’ll always be in here. With you. Loving you. Always.”

Blaine closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of vanilla and honey, and just Kurt. His Kurt.

“I will always be in your heart Blaine. Forever. Just like I promised you all those years ago; I’m never saying goodbye to you. We’ll always be together, no matter what.”

 And Blaine smiled softly in his sleep, a lonely tear trickling down his cheek.

‘I’m never saying goodbye to you'