Take a breath I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you

“He wants to see you.”

I nodded, not lifting my head out of my hands. I needed some more time, needed to be strong before I would enter the room again. My absence was paining him emotional, I knew that, I just needed  more time. I needed a few more moments because I had to rebuilt my crumbled walls once again. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be ready to face him, for who knows, maybe the last time.

I needed him. God,  I couldn’t lose him, yet I would. In only a matter of time, he would be gone, ripped away from our fairytale that once looked like a happily ever after.. It freaked me out, not knowing where or when we would meet again. If we would meet again.

They has always told me, assured me, it would be alright, that it would get worse before it got better. Those had been empty words. It had only got worse and worse.. until now, the end. They hadn’t been able to cure him, to safe him. Soon I would be on my own. Without him… without him. I couldn’t handle the thought of being alone again. He was the one who made me believe in the good side of life. He was the one who helped me to smile again when I was lost. He had saved me, and now I couldn’t save him. It wasn’t fair.

Another deep sigh escaped my mouth. I would never be ready, but I couldn’t leave him alone in that scary room. I needed to be strong for him, like he had been for me. It was the least that I could do for him.

The moment I opened the door, I noticed him slowly turning his head toward me. I was once more dying inside, my heart stopped beating at the sight. He was so pale, so sickly white except for the dark circles under his eyes. It was so obvious he was ill, so freakishly ill that he wouldn’t get better. It was too obvious.

I would never understand how after all, he could still smile the moment I got by his side. Bright, perfect. I couldn’t help but think it made him look less dying. I would never, never be able to forget the way he always kept smiling. He was so strong, so much stronger than me. I wondered if it shouldn’t have been me in his place. Me, the weak one, instead of him, my strength.

“Thank you.”

His voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper, nothing compared to his once so strong, cheerful manner of talking. The only thing that hadn’t changed were his eyes. They were still full of life, so bright as the first time I saw them a few years ago. While his whole body had slowly failed him, breaking down bit by bit as he had fight to stay alive, his eyes had always remained the same hazel ones, the spark never left. The will to live was still in there, together with acceptance. And love. Pure love.

It was too early for him. He had a full life in front of him. It shouldn’t have been this way.

“Talk to me Kurt.. please talk to me.”

I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Another tear escaped against my will. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Fuck, I didn’t even had the right to cry. He was the one dying.

“I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t know what to say, besides that sentence. I was so terribly sorry. It should have been me. He had always been good, had always believed. He was the one who had cared enough to help me, even though while I had only tried to push him away. I was the bad one here, I should be punished. It just wasn’t fair. This was why I didn’t believe in God. It all didn’t make sence.

“If there was anything I could do to change places.. I would in a heartbeat.”

My voice was surprisingly strong. Maybe because I meant it. I did, with everything I had. I took his cold, pale hand and kissed it, carefully not to hit any of the tubes connected to him.

“I know you would, but I rather have it be me.”

The smile never left his face, and it broke my heart. How could he be this strong?

“You don’t deserve this.” I whispered back.

“No one does.” He sighed.

“It’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair”

He smiled, slowly brushing my cheek as his hand trembled. I held it there, close to me as I closed my eyes.

“It’s okay Kurt, you’ll be fine.” He whispered, slowly pushing himself into a sitting position. I could see it took all of his energy, his face contracted in a painful grimace. He sighed deeply before opening his eyes again, the smile returning.

“I won’t.” I whispered, not letting go off his hand. I needed to feel him, needed to know he wasn’t going anywhere.

“You have to.” He answered back, caressing my cheek with his thumb, softly, lovingly.

And suddenly, I couldn’t take it anymore. The tears came back with an immense force, my shoulders shaking painfully as I started sobbing. I hated myself for doing this in front of him. It wasn’t right, I should be the one holding him. But there I was, crying my eyes out in the arms of my boyfriend.

“I can’t lose you Baine. I can’t… god no…I am nothing without you… there has to be something to make you better.”

“Kurt, Kurt listen to me.. it’s okay.” He squeezed my hand, petting the edge of the bed as he asked me silently to sit down next to him. “I accepted it.”

I did as he asked, composing myself again. His head was leaning on my shoulder, my arm wrapped round his waist. He was so skinny that I was scared to break him. Just a little bit longer, and I would be alone again, there was no point of denying.

“I love you Blaine.” I kissed the top of his head, entwining my fingers with his.  “I love you so,so much.”

“I love you to Kurt. Forever.”

“I’m never saying goodbye to you.”

I wasn’t ready to let him go.

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know that