“I’m running around hoping to find somebody like the boy that I left behind who loved all of me my fingernails and scatterbrain and crooked teeth.” –Skin and Bones, Charlene Kaye

Immediately after it happens Kurt doubts everything. He doubts himself, wonders if this is his fault in some way. Did he drive Blaine away? Neglect him? He rethinks all of the decisions he’s made. He hates Blaine right now, –hates, hates, fucking hates him- but still loves him so much. He starts to doubt that their relationship was so wonderful in the first place. He decides that there is no such a thing as true love, or real love, or love at all. He’s drowning in an abyss of doubts. And of course a quiet little thought in the back of his head, left alone until he was ready to deal with it; Did Blaine ever really love him?

When he finally gets the courage to ask himself that, days later, it’s the thing that stops him in his tracks; because it’s so ridiculous. Of course Blaine loves him. Why was he so scared of that question? Isn’t that the fact that gets him through every day? No matter what, Blaine loves Kurt. Kurt loves Blaine. It’s as obvious as the fact that the sky is blue, that fish swim, that Mr. Shuester owns too many sweater vests. Hasn’t Blaine told Kurt that a million times? Whispered it in his ear in the back of Glee club? Implied it with serenades in front of all of McKinley’s student body? Said it in such an awe-filled voice the first time they were together like that, skin on skin, pounding hearts beating together? I’m so lucky to have you. That’s what Blaine had said afterwards. You have no idea Kurt, how lucky you make me feel. Kurt had flushed, so happy, so full of emotions and everything that was Blaine, buried his face in Blaine’s neck and laughed, quietly singing, “Lucky I’m in love with my best friend...” Blaine had laughed too, squeezing Kurt tightly and shifting so that he could kiss him softly on the lips. Kurt had shivered at the still unfamiliar feeling of Blaine’s bare chest on his own, revelling in it.

 So he knows that the question will never be whether or not Blaine loves him. It doesn’t help the way it should. Kurt doesn’t get to vent to everyone and anyone about that lying cheat, that guy who wasn’t-who-I-thought-he-was, that guy who-never-really-loved-me-after-all, he doesn’t even get that typical motivation of he’s-already-moved-on-so-I-should-too. Kurt has plenty of anger, sure, but the vast majority of his brain is just screaming WHY. None of this makes sense, it doesn’t line up with who he knows Blaine is, and everything just feels broken. He spends an unhealthy amount of time wondering if he’s wandered into an alternate universe because that would make more sense to him. He forgets himself for a brief second and chuckles because it’s Blaine’s influence that has him thinking of alternate universes and Blaine’s nerdy side can be so endearing at times. Then he remembers himself and it’s like a stab to the gut.

 It eventually hits him that maybe they really do just need a break. Who is Kurt without Blaine? Who is Blaine without Kurt? And with that question Kurt maybe understands Blaine’s actions a little bit more, but he isn’t ready to forgive Blaine quite yet, maybe not ever, so he doesn’t delve deeper. He also doesn’t contact Blaine. He knows that if he hears Blaine’s voice, sees his face, he’ll either say things he’ll regret or forgive Blaine on the spot. Both would be bad. Forgiving Blaine so soon would be bad Kurt. He knows that’s what Rachel would tell him if she weren’t avoiding any talks about break-ups. It’s unlike her to not spill everything she’s feeling or to give him helpful but pushy advice, and if he were in a better place right now he would know how to help her, but with a broken heart of his own to mend all he can offer is comfort food hot out of the oven, and a body to snuggle with every evening as they watch schmoopy made-for-tv movies and try to move on with their lives.

 And as the months pass they do move on. Rachel fares much better than he does, after all she’s an old pro at the break-up thing by now, and she’s revelling in the sense of individuality breaking up with Finn has given her. Kurt’s not surprised that Brody is always around now. Kurt’s still regaining his footing, but Rachel is all smiles and happy songs as she flits through the apartment. Sometimes he’s jealous of her happiness. Sometimes he can’t stop thinking about how much New York has changed her. He spent the first year or so of their friendship wanting nothing more than to give her a makeover, but now he misses the animal sweaters. Not that he’d ever admit it. He remembers when he was the closest thing she had to a friend and is proud of her, though the more she changes the further away his childhood, his teen years, seem. He kind of hates growing up, he decides.

 Kurt knows he’s changed too. Work is amazing. The people appreciate him, some of them suck up to him, and they all seem to like him. It’s wonderful and glamorous in all the ways he’d always wished his job would be. He’s doing what he loves and when he’s there he feels confident and sure of himself. It isn’t perfect, and it’s hard work, but he loves it. Sometimes when he’s at work, he can really truly believe that everything is okay. Isabelle kept buying him these ridiculously big cookies when he would come to work with a morose expression and circles under his eyes, and she always lent a sympathetic ear. She’s a better boss than he could have ever imagined.

 He’s not ready, but with the urging of Rachel and Isabelle he goes on a date anyways. Someone that Brody knows. He’s taller than Kurt, with sandy brown hair and a killer smile. He vaguely reminds Kurt of Sam. He’s got that pretty boy athlete look. His name is Dylan and they’ve met a few times before. He’s nice and funny, but he’s aware of his good looks in a way that makes him less attractive. Blaine always wore his own killer smile so sweetly. The date is awkward for Kurt, and he realizes that this is his first ‘awkward first date’. Since Blaine had been his best friend first, their first date was the opposite of awkward. There was a lot of fumbling and blushing sure, but no pauses in the conversation. No worries about making the wrong impression. Kurt’s stomach clenches at the thought of any firsts that don’t include Blaine, but he gets through it and the date is nice. Kind of.

They go on two more dates. Kurt can tell that Dylan knows that Kurt isn’t really interested in him as anything more than a friend, but he seems cool with it. They talk at parties if they’re both there but never really meet up again. It’s actually Dylan who introduces him to Avery, who is the same height as Kurt, with dark brown almost black hair, similar in style to Kurt’s own hair but curly. He’s a dancer, and his build is much slighter than Dylan’s. He’s confident but modest, with big chocolate brown eyes, and Kurt really likes him. They often go out to dinner, or sometimes Avery will come and hang out at the apartment. They’re not quite boyfriends though. Kurt is not ready for a boyfriend yet, even though it’s been half a year since he last spoke to Blaine.

 “You know, when you’re thinking hard you clench your jaw.” Avery pulls him out of his thoughts by nudging his leg under the table.
 “D-do I?” Kurt laughs and takes a bite of his pasta, which he’s barely touched despite the waitress bringing it a good twenty minutes ago.
“Mhmm, you do. And you fidget when you don’t want to be somewhere. What’s wrong?” And Kurt’s stomach tightens as a weird feeling goes through his body. Blaine’s the only one besides his dad who could ever read Kurt’s body language. Blaine knew what made Kurt tick and didn’t even have to look at him to know when he was about to start talking.
 “Nothing really, just distracted, thinking about work.” Kurt manages a smile, but Avery frowns looking worried.
“You’re always distracted by work, it’s all we ever talk about anymore.”
 “I feel like New York is all we talk about anymore Kurt.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it bothered you.”
“It’s okay, it’s just an imperfection. You’re a workaholic, I can deal.” It’s said like a joke, but Kurt can’t laugh.
“To make sure you know how perfectly imperfect you are.”
 “Huh?”
 “What?” Kurt comes back to himself again. “You just mumbled something under your breath about imperfections,” and now Avery’s big eyes are focused on him, more worried than before. Kurt sighed,
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just being silly.”
Avery doesn't reassure him that he's not silly. Blaine's voice reverberates through his head anyways.

When Kurt gets home that night, he slumps down next to Rachel on the couch.
“He’s not Blaine, Rachel. Avery isn’t Blaine.”
“Oh, Kurt,” Rachel’s voice is so sad. Is he really that pitiful? “Of course he’s not.”
 “I’ve been doing so well though, I thought I was going through the stages of healing. I was fine. But tonight I couldn’t stop thinking about Blaine, and everything Avery said made me think of Blaine. And everything in my head is Blaine. I know it’s not healthy, it’s not normal, but... ”
 “Kurt…”
“Why do I still love him so much?” Rachel is silent. “Why can’t I forgive him? Why am I trying to replace him instead?”
“Kurt, I don’t know what to say. Avery probably just isn’t the right guy. You’ll find someone who’s perfect for you, who will make you as happy as Blaine did.”
And Kurt hates himself, just a bit, because he can see the lie in her eyes, and because all he can think is: No I won’t. I only like Avery because he has curly hair and big eyes and when he chuckles he kind of sounds like Blaine. Blaine was perfect for me, until he screwed everything up.  

 That night Kurt cries himself to sleep. It’s not the last time he’ll cry over Blaine, but he wakes up feeling a little bit more like himself. He needs to stop trying so hard to find another Blaine. He needs to know who he is outside of their relationship, isn’t that what he told himself when they broke up? Things will get better. And besides, if he’s meant to be with Blaine they’ll find each other again. He knows they will. But to say hello again, you have to say goodbye first. And what he was thinking last night wasn’t completely true. Kurt likes Avery for Avery, he really does. He likes the way rubs at his eyes when he’s tired and the way he always bumps into things despite being a dancer with great reflexes. Kurt loves the way he smiles cheekily when they kiss goodnight and his misunderstood sense of humour that always comes off as insulting. He realizes that he’s starting to know the little things about Avery, the intimate details. He thinks about how Avery knew that Kurt was in a bad mood just by how he was clenching his jaw. It’s a sad realization, that he’s coming to know someone so deeply, someone that isn’t Blaine, but the new memories with Avery are sweet ones and they lessen the pain.

 So as he joins Rachel in the kitchen, and pulls out a frying pan to make breakfast, he’s feeling lighter than he has in months. The two of them turn on Rachel’s iPod and they dance around the kitchen in their pj’s and sing while Kurt cooks. She smiles questioningly at him, and he smiles at her.
 “I’m going to be alright.”


“But til then, I’ll keep on wanting you who I can’t have
‘cause with the distance came this awful dam
and being in love
with someone I can’t feel or hold or see or touch

I’m running around hoping to find somebody like my one, 
though in time I’m sure I’ll grow to know
another’s eyes, 
another’s laugh and skin and bones.”