“...disgusting fag!”
Kurt pulled himself off the ground, dusting the dirt off of his shoulders. He swiftly walked away, trying not to make eye contact with any of the football team.
He didn’t really mind that much anymore, he didn’t mind that they shoved him around and hurt him every single day, not since Blaine had left. Nothing had really mattered since Blaine had left. Kurt had stopped trying. He had stopped combing his hair in the mornings, he didn’t see what the point was; why would he even bother? It’s not like anybody had noticed he had been acting differently for the past few weeks or so.
Kurt walked home quickly, avoiding any distractions. He had the house to himself that afternoon, Mom and Dad were at work. He was glad he didn’t have to face them right now; it would have been so hard. He just wanted to lie in his room and cry, cry for hours and hours until it would stop hurting, but it never stopped hurting; the pain was continuous, never ending.
Kurt slammed the door closed and walked downstairs, dropping his bag at the entrance of his bedroom. He took his jacket of and threw it on the floor, then raced to his bathroom. He rolled up his sleeves, revealing many swollen, red lines on his wrists.
Kurt grabbed a small blade he had kept in his nail treatment kit. He leaned back against the bathroom wall and slid down it until he sat crouched in the corner. With one quick movement, Kurt brought the blade from one side of his wrist to the other. He barely flinched, watching the deep red liquid glide across his skin, forming an emergent puddle on the floor. It was beautiful.
How could something so beautiful, leave such ugly scars? Kurt wondered, staring at the many scars on his opposite arm.
Kurt hated this part; the part when it stopped bleeding, when he had to feel the pain, embrace the deepness of the wound, stand up and keep living. The pain wasn’t too bad, it was kind of nice. It reminded him that this was still real life, and not just a dream. Because in dreams, no matter what...we feel nothing; we experience the things happening around us, but it doesn’t physically impact us.
The only thing keeping Kurt from going insane was the pain; it was the only thing he could feel anymore. It reminded him that this was what reality was...reality was pain, it was suffering, and it was life.
Kurt hadn’t felt anything since the day Blaine had left. He had been trying to overshadow the hurt Blaine caused him with other things. He had tried smoking, injecting himself with liquids and medicines, every afternoon. He had been hurting himself, every day, leaving a new mark, a new scar. Doing so caused the adrenaline from these things to pulse through his veins; it was nice, it sort of slowed reality down; nearly bringing him to stop, but not completely. Nothing compared to the hurt he was feeling, nothing made it better.
Kurt couldn’t get to sleep anymore. His doctor had offered him some sleeping pills, but Kurt couldn’t trust himself with them, he knew he would try to do something stupid, but his parents accepted them, keeping the pills by their bedside table.
Kurt hated this, he felt that stinging, crying sensation in his throat every day, and it was just stuck there, constantly reminding him of his hurt. He spent most of his school days avoiding being alone, sticking with groups of people he didn’t really care about. The loneliness made him vulnerable, it made him weak; it gave him time to think, and that scared Kurt so much...the thought of over thinking or dreaming out reality, it just wasn’t an option anymore.
~
Kurt lifted himself off the floor, grabbing an old towel to wipe up the blood before it stained the white tiles. He heard his bedroom door open and quickly buttoned up his shirt and threw the towel aside.
“Kurt, honey?” Kurt’s mom said after entering the room, “I have your sleeping pills; they’re just here on the bookshelf if you need them.”
“Oh-uh thanks Mom,” Kurt cooed from the bathroom, “Say goodnight to Dad for me, will you?”
“Yeah, sure thing. Love you darling.” She called behind her as she exited the room.
Kurt walked over to the bookshelf and read the container, two to three tablets per night. He managed to fumble two tablets out of the orange container and placed them in his mouth, a cold refreshing gulp of water managed to drain them down his throat.
Kurt sighed and made his way to his bed and climbed underneath the hard sheets, they were so cold. Kurt hated them; they were nothing like what Blaine’s used to be like. Blaine’s were warm and soft, they were so welcoming. These felt like hospital sheets; hard, cold and uncomfortable.
He started to feel the sleeping tablets kick in, his eyes getting heavy. Before he knew it, Kurt had drifted into a deep sleep, free to dream to his heart’s content.
Familiar hazy images entered Kurt’s mind, quickly taking the form of an old memory Kurt had tried to forget yet so many times.
“This love has taken its toll on me, ohhh she said goodbye, too many times befo-o-o-o-o-re!” Blaine bellowed along with the radio while in the front seat of his car.
“And her heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice, cause I won’t say goodbye anymore!” Kurt countered, smiling so happily back at Blaine.
“OH-OH-OH! NO-OH-OH! NO-OH-OHHH!” They belted out in unison, stopping for a second at the red light, which immediately turned green.
Blaine looked over to Kurt, but was greeted with an unexpected look of terror, Blaine turned his head back to the road and saw a set of blinding head lights swiftly approaching ahead. Blaine turned the steering wheel, facing his side of the car to the forthcoming truck.
Kurt suddenly realised what was about to happen, as he saw Blaine look back to him with a single tear running down his cheek, “I love you,” he said bluntly, he looked down at their clasped hands and squeezed tightly.
“Blaine-no!” Kurt screamed as they were hit by a mass of heavy metal, forcing their hands apart. Kurt could taste blood, he tried to open his eyes, but couldn’t. Everything started to become so quite, he tried to call out Blaine’s name, but his voice failed him.
He didn’t know how long he had been lying there when he heard the distant sound of ambulance sirens. It’s going to be okay, he thought, we’re both going to be fine.
The scene changed to a somewhat different, brighter location. Kurt felt his heart plummet when he became familiar with his surroundings.
Kurt opened his eyes slowly, looking down at his body. It was covered in blue fabric, it was itchy and uncomfortable. Where was he?
Kurt looked up to see his mother race to his side, she immediately started crying for what didn’t seem to be the first time.
“Kurt, honey,” she said after reaching the side of his bed, “Honey, you’re going to be okay. The doctor said th-”
“Where am I? Where’s Blaine? Blaine-no-Where’s Blaine!” Kurt felt the distant memory of a few hours ago rushing back to him. “Mom, what happened I need to see Blaine!”
Kurt’s mother looked up at him into his eyes and saw a single tear roll down her cheek as she replied to him, “Kurt-uh-honey you’re in the hospital and-,” she blinked a few times, ”-Blaine-he-Blaine didn’t make it.”
No, this must be a dream, Kurt thought, blinking a few times, no-she’s lying, she must be, Blaine’s fine, nothing bad happened at all, this was all just a misunderstanding.
“You were in a car accident. A drunk driver crossed when he should’ve stopped. If it wasn’t for Blaine-”Kurt felt his heart wrench at the mention of his name, “you’d be dead right now, Kurt. He saved your life.”
“N-no-NO!” Kurt shouted, tears running down his face, “You’re lying, he’s not-” he almost couldn’t say it, “-dead. It isn’t true! It can’t be.”
“It is honey, they’re professionals, they’re sure.” She assured him.
Kurt saw the memory becoming distant as he opened his bloodshot eyes to his dark bedroom. A feeling of emptiness and loneliness overwhelmed him.
What am I doing? I spend every day waiting. Waiting for something to get better, nothing is going to get better, there might be someone else, but there’ll never be anyone else I could care for as much as I did for Blaine. Why do I deserve to live more than Blaine does? I don’t! I should’ve been the one lying in that dark coffin, lying pale white and motionless, dressed as though nothing had ever gone wrong.
There was a missing piece to Kurt, and all this time he couldn’t figure out what it was, it was Blaine. They completed each other, they were soul mates. He realised that now.
And with that thought he stumbled out of his bed and without thinking, he downed every last tablet in the orange container on his bookshelf. He retreated back to his bed, everything became blurry, he hadn’t felt like this since-
...since Blaine left.
Kurt glanced up at the distorted room surrounding him; black figures were approaching him from all directions. He tried to escape, but he stumbled around, he couldn’t control himself. His head was throbbing. He let out a painful cry and fell on the floor. Blood...he could taste it. He could feel it becoming less inside his body.
Then suddenly, a bright light flicked on. Two cold hands lifted him up.
~
“...you found him just in time Mr. Hummel.” a voice sounding far too familiar to Kurt’s liking spoke.
“Look! I think he’s waking up.”
Kurt felt the same cold hands lightly grasp at his shoulders.
“Kurt? Are you awake?”
Kurt knew now wasn’t the time to play games, he opened his eyes, dreading the expression spread across his father’s face. He said nothing.
“Kurt! Thank god you’re okay!” he breathed as he hugged Kurt closer to him.
Kurt felt nothing.
“Kurt- I – um, I found you on the floor on your room, you must’ve taken too many of those sleeping pills.”
Kurt shook his head. There was no point lying anymore, what would that do?
“N-no. It wasn’t an accident.” Kurt hinted, not daring to look his father in the eye.
“W-what? So you – you tried to commit suicide?”
That didn’t sound right, that’s not what he had done. He was escaping; he was saving himself.
“Yes.” He replied.
“It’s-it’s going to be okay, Kurt. You’ll be fine.” His mother stepped in from the other side of the room.
“Don’t you get it?” Kurt protested, brushing their offers of comforting hands off of him, “I don’t want to be okay. I don’t want to be in this fucking hospital. I don’t want to be alive. You didn’t save me; I’m still trapped here.”
“Kurt- you’re obviously confused. It’s fine, we’re going to help you.” The doctor stepped in, urging Kurt’s family to take a few steps back. Kurt’s mother ignored him.
“Just-just why? Why did you do it?”
There was a long, silent pause. He saw the look in his parents eyes he saw the same day Blaine had left.
“I wanted to be with Blaine.”
That was it.
He didn’t want someone else. He wanted Blaine. He wanted to hold him, kiss him, sing to him...he wanted to be held by him and be told that everything would be okay. He wanted nothing less and nothing more than just Blaine.
But nothing could ever give him that. Not even death itself could give him back what he once had. He couldn’t keep on living, but he couldn’t stop either. He was trapped inside a never ending cycle of madness, repeating itself each day, hurt and sorrow being its main attractions, but also causing grief and pain on the side. And all he could do was just let it be.