Ill be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

It hits him in a bar in downtown Chicago. Its old and dark, just the way he likes it at times like this, when he hasnt been able to sleep properly for weeks and he gets up every morning and greets the day with a weight in his chest and a burning sensation behind his eyes. Its not the kind of place where hed thought hed hear this kind of music; its full mostly of the twitchy under-age college kids and burly old men falling asleep in their gin and tonics. Unconsciously, he probably picked the place because it was as far from anything that would remind him of what he left behind in New York.

But then that song starts and not only does it remind him of him but the song itself hits a little close to home. Hes in Chicago because it was already arranged. After Burt died Kurt couldnt bring himself to leave Lima again for a long time. His publisher kept calling at least 3 times a week for four years until they gave him the ultimatum, come to Chicago to discuss a new book or theyd never publish him again. He managed to push the meeting back until he had found himself a place in New York but then Blaine happened. He spent everyday trying to think of a way out of it, but he didnt know how to do anything but write and losing one publishing house might not be the end of him as a writer but he couldnt guarantee that anyone else would think he was worth the trouble.

The longer he spends in Chicago the easier it is for him to convince himself that its better for Blaine this way. Blaine who doesnt need any distractions while he strives to be the best at his art. Kurt has already caused him too much pain, too much uncertainty and being so far away from him is also just an excuse to make sure he doesnt fuck anything else up for him.

Temptation is feeling too strong as he sits slumped on one of the uncomfortable bar stools and stares into his now watery gin and tonic. The release of his book is close and then hell be free, he can leave without putting his career in jeopardy. Where? Theres no where to go except back and hes terrified. Hes terrified that hell turn up on that boys door step only to have the door slammed in his face. The only thing worse would be that hed deserve it.

Ill find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

If Kurt could bring himself to curse the soul of Billie Holiday he would but he doesnt. He can see his face behind his eyelids every time he blinks but in many ways he aches to close his eyes, to see that smile and the light in his eyes as he laughs. When he blinks them back open he disappears, like a spectre or a wisp of smoke, as if he had never been real in the first place. Kurts a writer of fiction; he isnt qualified to speak about reality. All he knows is that his mind is very good at making things up, seeing as it has already tricked him into thinking that leaving Blaine was a good idea.

Ill be looking at the moon

But Ill be seeing you

He sees him everywhere and it haunts him; everything he hasnt done, everything he didnt say. Kurt likens himself to a mirage, the closer Blaine got the less concrete the vision, the more he pulled away and the dream faded into nothing. The bartender slides a tumbler of whisky he didnt remember ordering under his nose and he blinks owlishly at the golden liquid. Instead of making him forget, even getting blind drunk reminded him of Blaine.

Hes stuck between savouring the idea of Blaine and forgetting him entirely but he told himself hes also entirely too selfish to get anywhere close to the latter. It may be whats best for Blaine or so he thinks he believed but theres nothing forgettable about Blaine Anderson, and he wanted to savour every ounce of love hed received from the man.

Ill be seeing you

In every lovely summers day

The way that the afternoon sunlight seemed to ignite Blaine from the inside out made him question if he had ever been worth Blaines time. The knowledge of all his scars and imperfections seemed to make him seem even more unreal, like the suns soft kiss was Blaines own soul.

In everything thats light and gay

Ill always think of you that way.

A fog descends in front of his eyes and the thought that passes through his head makes his stomach clench so tightly that he thinks he might be sick.

He thinks that maybe hes in love.

Ill find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

Ill be looking at the moon

But Ill be seeing you.