Blaine liked to please people. He relished in approval, in compliments. He spent most of his life trying to make people around him happy and proud of him. He wanted to be the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect student, the perfect friend.

The first time he felt like he didn’t fulfill the expectations set for him and disappointed someone was the day he told his parents he was gay. He was thirteen years old. Blaine felt different than other boys from an early age, but he had never told anyone, not even his best friend at the time. The thought of breaking the perfect image he had been constructing since he was a child was terrifying. But when he reached his teenage years, and was confronted with the inevitable certainty of his sexuality, he knew he had to tell someone. He trusted his parents, they would never stop loving him and Blaine needed someone to assure him that he was still normal, he was still perfect, he was still him. So, the day after his birthday, during dinner, he told them.

The little boy inside him wanted them to hold him and say that everything was going to be okay; the teenager was expecting them to worry and give him an impromptu and awkward sex talk, and the young adult needed them to react as if this was just another ordinary news, just like telling them he had an A in an English paper, or that he bought a new jacket, and simply ask him if he had a boyfriend and wanted to bring him home so they could meet him.

None of this happened.

His mother dropped her fork on the floor and his father shut his eyes and lowered his head. No one said a word for what felt like hours. Finally, his mother turned to him:

“Blaine, dear, you’re too young to even be thinking about this. You just haven’t met the right girl yet. Isn’t that right, John?”

“Of course. This is probably just a phase, son. Don’t worry about it.”

His parents were trying to sound nonchalant, but Blaine could see it in the set of his father’s shoulders and in the way his mother wouldn’t meet his eyes. He finally did it. He disappointed them. And even tough part of him was dreading this and mentally preparing himself, the reality was much more cruel than anything he could have ever imagined.

“Mom, Dad… I am sorry to disappoint you. But this is not going to pass. I am gay and I am your son. So you are going to have to learn to deal with it.”

Shut up, shut up! You are only going to make things worse! He was shaking all over, his breathing was fast and his heart was beating so hard on his chest and eardrums that he was sure everybody within a 10 mile radius could hear it. But it was out there, he said it. And Blaine, being the believer that he was, was still expecting some kind of response, even if it was a stilted We’re not disappointed, you just surprised us, that’s all. But it never came. His parents resumed their meal as if he hadn’t said anything.

He ran up the stairs to his room and cried himself to sleep.

***

In the next months, even though his parents didn’t change their attitude toward him, Blaine could still sense the disappointment in the air. It was not evident; anyone from the outside looking in would think they were the perfect family, loving and supporting each other.

But it was written in the little things, like the way his father made Peter take him out when he was visiting home during one of his breaks from college, even though Blaine was far too young to be hanging at that type of place, with alcohol flowing freely and women scantily clad sweating all over the dance floor. Or when his mother insisted she didn’t need help in the kitchen since she was the woman of the family, after all. Or the way his father started taking him to every football game he could, but refused to take him to the theater. Or when his mother would mention their neighbors’ daughter, who was about his age, and how beautiful and nice she was. Or when his father practically forced him into spending the summer in their garage working on a 59’ Chevy. Like any of this would make him any less gay. It was understood implicitly that Blaine was not to talk about the pink elephant in the room. We won’t ask, you won’t tell. And that was the way things were.

When in his freshman year of high school, Blaine was beaten up for daring to show up at a school dance with another boy, he thought things would change. As he was lying in a hospital bed, his body covered in bruises, with several tubes connecting his arms to machines beeping by his bedside, and with pain sipping through every pore of his body, he thought, Maybe now they will understand. They will see what I have to go through every single day just for being who I am. They will support me and love me and I will no longer be a disappointment .

When his mother grabbed his hand and cried, muttering, “Oh honey, don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay. My baby, what have they done to you?”, he felt relieved. She loves me. It’s not my fault.

But when his father walked into the hospital room the next day, the first words out of this mouth were:

“You will not utter a word about this to the police. If anybody asks, you fell down the stairs. You can do whatever the hell you want with your life, but you will not embarrass me or my name. There is a police officer standing outside, probably called by the hospital. I am going to tell him exactly what I just told you and explain to him how you are very tired and can’t talk right now.” And he turned around and went for the door. His mother didn’t say a word.

When his father reached the door handle, he added without turning around, “You had this coming, Blaine. And it’s going to get worse. I hope you know what you’re getting into.”

He didn’t cry this time.

***

In a way, things did get better. Even with his father’s coldness and his mother’s inability to stand up for him, at least they weren’t trying to pretend anymore. And this, for Blaine, was somewhat of a victory. Because his sexuality was not something he could change, ever, and if he could make them acknowledge that, even if they might not agree with it, maybe someday he could make them proud in some other way. And when that eventually happened, maybe then they would see that he was still the same son they had raised.

They sent Blaine to Dalton Academy, a school with a strict no-bullying policy where at least Blaine would be safe. But he found much more than safety there. He found acceptance.

From the start he decided he would not hide who he was, even if that would turn him into a freak and an outcast. There were still some people who did not like it and would turn their backs on him. Just because the school prohibited bullying, doesn’t mean you couldn’t still have your opinion. But most of the guys Blaine started hanging out with didn’t care who he did or didn’t love. Blaine made good friends and, for the first time in a while, he felt happy. And he strived.

He made everything he could to make his family proud. He dressed well, he was nice and polite, he kept his grades up and he became the lead soloist for the Warblers. Even though he was still a sophomore, he started to research colleges he knew would please his parents, like Yale or Harvard. And he took as many extracurricular classes as he could to enrich his curriculum. Blaine never tried to hide who he was; he just worked hard to overcompensate.

In the beginning of his sophomore year at Dalton, he dated a boy named Anthony for about three weeks. Blaine broke it off simply because he didn’t feel anything beyond friendship for him. He was a good kisser, and a nice friend, and they had a lot in common, but Blaine was a romantic. He wanted everything: the stomach butterflies, the stars in the eyes, the hand-holding, the whispered endearments, and the secret sighs. He knew he would love fiercely: he wanted someone to need him, someone he could take care of.

Then he met Kurt.

***

It didn’t happen the way he expected to. He didn’t fall in love at first sight, or knew inevitably they were made for each other. Kurt was so special, so different than what he was used to. And even though he knew there could be something there, they became friends first.

At first he saw in Kurt someone he could guide and help go through some things he had already been through. But Kurt was much braver than he could have ever been. At some point Blaine even envied him, not just because he had an accepting family, who loved him and were there with him every step of the way, but because he was larger than life. Kurt had gone through so much and was still him, whole and beautiful and unbreakable. Blaine was content with his life, he had friends, and music, and future goals, but he felt broken. And what was envy became admiration and one day he realized he was in love.

He had so many plans, so many expectations for when he fell in love. But of course, nothing ever goes according to plan and he ends up making a fool of himself most of the time. The first time they kiss is much like he had envisioned love to be: sparks flying, labored breathing, hearts beating, and an all-consuming need to become one with this person. And when, a couple of minutes later, Kurt whispered in his ear, “This was my first real kiss. Thank you.”, Blaine thought, This is my opportunity. I will love you like you deserve to be loved. And I will never disappoint you.

***

You want to drink my soul

'Till your heart is full

What happens when it's full and it splashes?

The problem with falling in love is that you are never more vulnerable than when you give yourself, body and soul, to another person.

Kurt teaches him how to care for someone, how to be brave, how to be a force of nature. And Blaine loves every minute he spends with him. Not just the closeness, and the intimacy, and having someone to share everything with, but also the ability to make Kurt smile with a compliment, or to comfort him with a hug, or to arouse him with a touch. Blaine likes to be needed. And he thinks Kurt does. When they are together, he doesn’t feel like a disappointment.

The first time Kurt mentions New York, Blaine was expecting it. Kurt had big dreams, dreams he deserved to see fulfilled and going to New York was just part of those dreams. So, of course Blaine was on board. How could he not be? “You’re going to mesmerize New York, Kurt. They won’t even know what hit them”, he said. But what he was thinking was I still have a year to prepare for this. It’s going to be okay.

You've built all these rooftops

And painted them all in blue

If all this set just burns up will you paint the ashes?

And so New York was something that took a backseat in Blaine’s mind. He transferred to McKinley so he could spend as much time as he could with Kurt. When they weren’t together at school, they spent time together at the Anderson’s house. His dad said he could bring Kurt over any time he wanted, even if the house was empty. He was probably just trying to keep Kurt and Blaine from spending time together in public, but it was better than nothing.

And sometimes, Blaine felt like he was whole again, like he didn’t need to worry about disappointing anyone ever again, because he was in love with someone who loved him back and who was proud of him in every way, and also because his parents, in one way or another, were starting to accept him. He discovered a new passion when he played Tony opposite Rachel, he had more friends who would stand up for him than he ever had, and he and Kurt became even closer.

Do you really want to see?

Because I'll let you in

With me

When Kurt got his acceptance letter from NYADA, at first nothing changed. Blaine was so happy and proud of him, and Kurt was over the moon. But as the days passed, it became more real, more increasingly near. And Blaine started to become scared.

Kurt noticed that Blaine showed an increasing desperation for him, Blaine knows he did. He was trying to constantly please Kurt, buying him presents, singing songs in Glee club, doing everything in his power to impress Kurt. He was trying to hold onto something; what it was he didn’t know.

And Kurt, amazing as he was, took it all in stride. He reassured Blaine he would come home every break he had, that they would see each other all the time, that they had phone calls, and texts, and skype, and it was just a year before they were reunited in New York.

And at first Blaine let himself be reassured by Kurt.

You shiver when the wind blows

Through doors that lost their keys

There's too little to rescue, too little to hang on to

But Blaine was not strong like Kurt. He knew he was not going to New York, that he had disappointed his parents enough and that he had to make them proud. He knew he would eventually choose a respectable college proposed by his father, where he would become a doctor, or a lawyer. And so their relationship started to deteriorate.

Blaine wouldn’t explain what he needed from Kurt, and Kurt was confused because Blaine had agreed, had even helped him with his applications, what was this now?

They started to fight a lot, about small things they wouldn’t even remember later. But at the same time, their lovemaking became more intense. They wouldn’t talk during those times; they let their bodies do it for them. And every touch, every look, every moan felt like they could make it. They love each other; why wouldn’t they make it? Why couldn’t they?

I thought that maybe we could try to

Clear and rebuild this haunted home

I'll be glad to help you just tell me what to do

And so Blaine tried. He tried so hard. He stopped fighting with Kurt, he apologized for being so insecure, he worked through the doubts and the fears.

And then he told Kurt that he wasn’t planning on going to New York after graduating.

Why don't you tell me what to do?

Maybe you're scared too

I've been here before

Next thing you'll see

You'll feel

So small

And Kurt started to pull away. He became distant. They clung together at times, like there was no one else in the world but the two of them, and other times Kurt would be cold, and make excuses not to be with Blaine.

They were starting to hurt each other more than make each other happy.

Blaine loved Kurt so much. He knew Kurt was meant for greater things. Kurt deserved to go to New York, fulfill his dreams, find someone who was not afraid and who could keep up with him in every way. And Blaine was damaged goods, he was dragging Kurt down. Kurt, in fact, had never needed him.

So Blaine finally made a decision. And for the first time in his life he willingly disappointed someone.

I will disappoint you

And I don't care if I do

I belong to those who got shattered, battered

Bruises and scars that I've hidden you could never heal

They were cuddling in his bedroom, after having sex, while his parents were out. Blaine knew it had to be right now, or he would never do it. They would fight again, and Blaine would apologize and grab onto Kurt and never let go. And that had to end.

“Kurt?”

Kurt lifted his head from Blaine’s naked chest and supported it with his hand, his elbow on the bed next to Blaine’s pillow.

“I have something to say to you. And you need to let me say it all at once, or I’ll never be able to get it out. Will you do that for me?”

Kurt looked at him with searching eyes but eventually nodded.

“This, between us… It isn’t working anymore.” Blaine had practiced a speech, but it had vanished completely of his mind. Well, he would have to make it up as he went along. “I love you so much. And I am so proud of you. You’re the most talented person I ever met and you deserve everything. You deserve New York, you deserve NYADA, you deserve Broadway. And I…” He sighed. “The truth is I am holding you back. You and I both know it. We don’t know when we will be together again, and long distance relationships are hard and I just… You shouldn’t have to worry about that. You should go live your dreams and be happy. And I will be supporting you every step of the way if you need me but… I think we shouldn’t be together anymore. It pains me too much to know that you are going away in a few months, that I’ll be stuck here while you are out there becoming the great man I know you already are. So we should end it now, before we destroy each other.”

He was expecting a lot of reactions from Kurt, and he had studied what he would do in each case. There was the sobbing Why are you doing this? We love each other! We can make it!, or the angry This could be solved if you weren’t such a pussy and stopped doing everything your father tells you to! Why aren’t you coming to New York in a year? You could become a doctor or a lawyer anywhere! , or even the desperate There are colleges with arts programs all over the country. I will wait for you, I will work on my father’s garage for the next year, while doing community theater and then I will apply to a college closer to you. I will do anything please Blaine!

He was wrong.

“You’re right.”

And it hurt. So much.

This grey house where I come from

Some great love will tear it down

If you no longer love me why should it matter?

Kurt got up and started to get dressed, while avoiding Blaine’s eyes.

“I’m going to be all over the place next year, we would probably end up having a messy break up anyway, right? At least this way we can stay friends!”

Kurt wasn’t happy, but he didn’t look sad either. He looked… resigned. He put his boots on and leaned into Blaine and kissed his cheek. “I will see you tomorrow in Glee club, okay?”

And then he just left. Blaine was completely paralyzed on the spot. He didn’t know how to react or what to say, so he let Kurt go. It’s better this way.

As he heard Kurt start his car on the driveway, the last thought that drifted through his mind before tears came down his face was: He didn’t even say he loved me. He hasn’t been saying it for a long time.

Tell me why should it matter?

I can't ask you to stay

I can't find the words to say

Life goes on after you leave someone you love.

Blaine and Kurt tried to be friends, they really did. They would text sometimes, they tried going shopping together with Tina and Mercedes, they studied together at Rachel’s house. But the truth is: it is very hard to be with someone you love every day and know you can never have them, that they are going to leave at some point. Blaine resented Kurt for giving up so easily, but he was the one who wasn’t brave enough to follow his heart for fear of further disappointing his family. He was the coward. His scars would probably haunt him for a long time.

And so their friendship dissolved into an obliged politeness over the next months. And eventually Kurt left for New York. And he didn’t say goodbye to Blaine.

Why don't you just leave?

Just leave.