Blaine could feel that this was the moment he had tried working himself up to for more than a week. He was goddamn nervous, and he was considering backing out - but if he did that he would only return to convince himself to do it within a few weeks, so he might as well get it over with.

Kurt dumped down on the couch next to him and stared absentmindedly into the screen, where Blaine had been pretending to watch the news. He actually hadn't caught a single word the anchor woman had said during the entire program because he had been too caught up in trying to remember the words he had promised himself to say to Kurt.

It had been a long day, and he knew that Kurt was exhausted. No surprise in that, he had been working matinée and evening shows all weekend, and over the week he had been working evening shows every day.

But tonight had been his closing show. Blaine had, of course, been there. He had been on the front row and been the first to clap at all the right moments, and the first to jump to his feet at the end of the show. Needless to say Kurt had been magnificent.

Only problem was that Blaine had promised himself to take up the conversation as soon as the run of the show were over. So this was it, and he couldn't run from his promise to himself. Now he only hoped that Kurt wouldn't freak out, considering how sharp he had been in his views on the matter when they had discussed it a few years ago. Which was why Blaine hadn't taken it up earlier. Every time the thought had crossed his mind he had been biting his tongue to keep himself from speaking up - but now he couldn't postpone it anymore. This needed to be done.

"I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Those interviews are so early that it should be illegal," Kurt groaned next to him and yawned widely, not even bothering to hide it. He was simply too tired to even lift his hand, and Blaine started to feel bad about his agenda.

Nonetheless, he took a deep breath and turned off the TV. He turned around and faced Kurt next to him. He was curled into a ball in the corner of the couch and looked like he could easily have been folded together and put into a suitcase without any problems.

"Do you wanna come to bed with me?" Kurt asked, and smiled at Blaine from his place where he rested his head on the armrest.

"No. Well, yeah, I do, but... I was hoping we could talk first," Blaine said and feared that he would forget everything he had promised himself to say. As a musical actor he shouldn't have any problems about remembering his words, but right now he was sure that he would forget every single thing he had memorized over the past week.

"Is everything alright? You look so serious. Did something happen?" Kurt asked, suddenly aware and sat up straight. His eyes were big and concerned, his mouth slightly open the way it was whenever he was holding his breath, waiting for news of the bad kind.

"Uhm - I don't know, actually. If everything's alright, I mean. You know there's this thing we never talk about - but I really think we should talk about it. I wanna talk about it. Now," Blaine started out, uncertain whether it was a good idea to be so cryptic about it. He might as well spill it all and get it out in the open as fast as possible so Kurt could tell him that he had lost his mind and they could go to bed.

"I am not really sure what you are referring to here. Blaine, you're scaring me, would you please tell me what's wrong?" Kurt exclaimed manically and started turning his fingers in his hands the way he always did it when he was stressed or nervous.

Blaine closed his eyes and chewed on his cheek, turning over the subject in his mind, tasting the words on his tongue, and feeling the pressuring in his throat.

"I know that we've only been married a little more than a year, and I know that we're only in our early twenties - no please let me finish," Blaine burst out and held up a hand as Kurt opened his mouth to respond. He couldn't let Kurt speak now, he would lose the thread in what he was about to say, and he couldn't do that. It was now or never.

Kurt looked like he had been punched in the gut and closed his mouth. He had turned to face Blaine completely now, and Blaine could see the frustration running around his eyes. He was clearly afraid of what was about to come. Hopefully he would be relieved, and only happy that Blaine wasn't proposing a divorce, and that way his anger over taking up the subject again wouldn't be as bad as it had been the last time they had discussed it.

"I know that we are both still struggling to establish our careers, and I love it. I am so proud of what you've accomplished already, and I can only see you go much further in the future - you are born to stand on that stage. Whenever I go see your shows I can't help but get tears in my eyes, and I just wanna tell everyone that you're mine, my husband," he continued and knew that he had to get to the point.

Kurt seemed confused about the direction the conversation had been steered, and Blaine didn't blame him.

"You are more than I ever dreamed of. You fill me so much. I just can't help feeling that something is missing. Not in my life, but in our lives, our life together. I've really been thinking about this a lot lately, and I just can't get it out of my head. The last time we talked about it you were so... determined and made it very clear that this wasn't something you ever wanted. But it's been so long since the last time, and I just hoped that maybe... you'd changed your mind."

Blaine paused to catch his breath, and he could see that the pieces were slowly being put together in Kurt's head, and he was starting to guess what this was all about. Even in the shadow of the dimmed light in their living room it was visible that he was thinking like crazy.

"Kurt; I want a baby. I wanna have a family with you. I know you said that you didn't want kids, because you're afraid what they would be put through, because of us. That you don't want to be the reason to kids being bullied because they grew up with gay dads. But... there's just this void in me. In my heart. I can't stop thinking about it. I really want this," Blaine finally spat out, surprised at the force of his own words, but not at all surprised at how needy he sounded. It had been an aching in him for so long. Ever since the last time they had discussed it, a few years ago, where the fight had ended with Kurt stomping out of their apartment, slamming the door and a text that he was staying at Rachel and Finn's house for the night.

It was before they got married, before they were even engaged. They had been at a dinner party at Rachel's house where both her dads and Kurt and Finn's parents had been there as well. They had announced that Rachel was pregnant and Blaine had felt a sting in his heart because Kurt always brushed it off whenever they had talked about kids.

When they had got back to their own place he had decided that it was time to take it up, to break an honest and adult conversation about it, because no matter what they would need to discuss it sooner or later. Kurt had started out by simply saying no over and over again until Blaine had demanded to know why, and told him that he was being unreasonable and unfair to make that decision without even talking to Blaine about it.

Kurt had coolly explained that he with all the bullying he had been put through himself he would never want to be the reason for another child being bullied, and with gay dads it was only an open invitation to bullies all over the world. Blaine argued with the statement that Rachel never was bullied about her dads. Kurt started babbling out about what a pain adoption was, especially for gays and the allegations they would be put through by other parents. Blaine said that he didn't care, that all that mattered to him was that they had a family together, but Kurt snapped that it wasn't up for discussion. He didn't want to talk about it.

"But I want kids. So where does that leave us?" Blaine had said in a bit too raised voice, but too frustrated to regret it.

"That's up to you. If you can live without kids I guess we're good, if you can't live without kids I guess you just have to live without me," Kurt had stated sharply and marched out of the kitchen. Blaine had broken down on a chair and heard the door slam in the hall.

What did it matter then? He couldn't choose between Kurt and having kids, because he could never see himself have kids with anyone but Kurt - he couldn't see himself share his life with anyone but Kurt. Ever.

Kurt had returned to their apartment the next day and neither of them had mentioned it ever since. Blaine had wanted to, and every time he saw a child he could feel everything inside him cramp and scream, but he couldn't stand the thought of losing Kurt.

But now it had become too much. They had been visiting Mike and Tina a little more than a week ago, and they had just had their second child. A gorgeous little daughter who kept grinning at them, and as Blaine watched Kurt with her in his arms he had to go to the bathroom and take a minute before returning as if nothing had happened.

"Baby, I don't ever wanna lose you, for anything in the world. You are my everything. It's just that... when we were at Mike and Tina's house the other week, and you were with Tanya I just... I couldn't stop thinking about how perfect a picture that was. You with that beautiful baby girl. I could look at that image forever - except I want it to be our baby girl."

Don't cry, don't cry, not now, Blaine reminded himself and swallowed. He could feel the tears pressing from the stress that Kurt would probably stand up and leave. Leave the living room, leave Blaine to himself with all of his feelings and craving.

"As proud as I am to call you my husband, I just wanna be able to tell people that you are the father of my kids too. I wanna see you with our babies, I wanna see you dressing them up for pictures and their first day of school. I wanna see you take them to the theater and to the park. I wanna go to teacher-parent-conferences with you, and I wanna have frustrated fights with you when our teenage daughter wanna go to her first party in a way to revealing dress, and when our teenage son tells us that he has a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. I even wanna do the ridiculously uncomfortable sex-ed talks with out kids with you. Everything. I wanna do it all with you."

Blaine hid his face in his hands. His voice had broken and he couldn't hold back anymore. It was down his face, streaming straight from his heart through his eyes. He could feel the twirling in his fingers and the fear was roaming in the back of his head. The fear of what reaction was about to come. Maybe when he looked up Kurt wouldn't even be there.

"I - I had this dream the other night. It was a few days after we had been at Mike and Tina's house. I guess it was Tuesday or something. It doesn't matter really," Kurt started, and Blaine froze on the spot. He couldn't stop shaking, and tears were still fighting to get out, but he wasn't sobbing anymore. He was listening.

"It was the strangest dream. I came home and I realized that I was old. Not old, old - but like... 30 or something, so I didn't dare look myself in the mirror. I'm so scared of what I'm gonna look like when I'm 30. Anyway, I came home, to this house, our house - it was night, and I was coming home from the theater. I got ready for bed in the bathroom and I went to our room. I didn't turn on the lights so I wouldn't wake you up. When I crawled into bed you weren't there alone. You had fallen asleep with a little boy in your arms. I guess he was about 3 years old or something. When I laid down you both moved closer to me, and I just put my arm around both of you as if it was the most natural thing in the world."

Kurt sniffed, but he wasn't crying. Blaine looked up and saw that his eyes were sparkling instead of tear filled. Kurt stretched out his hand to take Blaine's. He dried the tears off his palm and closed his hand around it, clenching it strongly.

"It felt so right. When I woke up I cried because I didn't know what to do. All my life I had told myself I shouldn't have kids because I couldn't put them through what I have been through, what you have been through - maybe even worse. So when this... whatever it was, presented itself to me - I felt so selfish to feel like that when I know what consequences it can have for a child," Kurt explained in a thick voice, he nearly sounded desperate.

Blaine tightened around his hand. He knew exactly what he meant, because he had been over that in his head so many times before. He had made pros and con lists, and even tried convincing himself that Kurt was right, and that a life with gay, actor parents would be too much for a kid to handle, that it would be pure torture to put a kid through what would meet them in classmates or others kids' parents.

"Sure. Yeah - I guess... that's it then," Blaine responded, trying to shrug it off as casually as he could, prepared to cry himself to sleep. Maybe he should take a walk before going to bed so he could cool down first?

"What? Blaine, are you even listening to me? I can't... I can't keep lying to myself, or to you - there are so many risks, but I want this as much as you do. I want a family with you, I want a little boy with your curls, and I want a little girl with your eyes," Kurt cried and moved closer. He wiped a tear off Blaine's cheek.

Reality hit him like a slap in the face. Had Kurt really just said the words he had needed to hear for so long?

"Are you serious? Do you... do you wanna try? Really?" Blaine asked, afraid that it wasn't what Kurt had meant, afraid that he only wanted to explain that he wanted it just as badly, but that he still found it selfish of them to feel like that, and that the need of a safe environment was too important for a kid and that they would never be able to provide that. He held his breath, waiting for the last call.

"I don't wanna adopt. No. I can't do that. I could never do that -" Kurt shook his head and Blaine felt his heart drop to his feet. This was it. The final call, and Kurt had called the shots. He would have to choose between having a family and having Kurt.

"I can't go through the adoption process. It's too much. People coming in here judging us, and turning over and scrutinizing every tiny detail of our life. I can't do that, Blaine," he said apologetically and Blaine felt his hand go limp in Kurt's.

"As I said; I want a son with your curls, and a daughter with your eyes. If we're having kids I want us to really be the fathers. Really. I want us to find a surrogate," Kurt grinned weakly at him. A tear had escaped and was on its way down his chin. Blaine's eyes was fixated on it as an explosion was booming in his head.

Without control he threw his arms around Kurt and clasped his mouth onto his. He kissed his way over his cheek, on his ear and down his neck as he sobbing buried his nose in Kurt's hair. He couldn't believe it.

"It's gonna be so hard. We're gonna spend so much money, and we're gonna have to wait so long. It's gonna be the worst time of our lives," Kurt whimpered in his ear, and clenched Blaine closer to him as both of them struggled for breath.

"I know. It's gonna be amazing, and magical. I want our kids to have your smile, and your laugh. Jesus, Kurt, I love you so much," Blaine cried into his shoulder, his fingers digging into Kurt's back. He wanted him as close as possible, and never let go. He was sure that if he let go of all control for just a minute he would explode in a firework of rainbow confetti, so he pulled Kurt closer and continued kissing his neck, ear and shoulder, whilst sniffing in the scent of his hair.

"You're gonna be the best dad in the world, I know you will, baby," Kurt whispered softly.