Everything was eerily silent, and I hated silence. Usually when I found myself in silence I put on music or turned the TV on, something to block out all the silence. I toyed with the idea of listening to my iPod but I decided against it. Even if I hated the silence I wanted to think, and I couldn’t do that while listening to music at the moment. Normally, yes, I could. Normally the only time I could think straight is if I were listening to music, but now I needed things completely and utterly silent so I could figure this out. Figure out why this was happening to me… to my dad.

                It didn’t make sense; my dad was the most amazing, kindhearted, loving person I knew. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. He was always there for me, no matter what he was there for me. Why did he have to get cancer? Why do good things happen to bad people? I’ll never in a million years get why my dad got cancer, why my mom died… any of it. Like I said, nothing made sense.

                It was Christmas; I was supposed to be happy. I knew the survival rate for my Dad was one-hundred percent but still, why is this happening? I was happy though, in a way. I was happy to see my Dad… and Blaine. Even though I was mad, and hurt and so confused, I was glad to see him. Even through everything we’d been through I still loved him, even if I couldn’t be with him.

                I was out on the couch, leaning against the armrest and trying my best to sleep. After much debate I’d convince Blaine to take Rachel’s bed and my dad to take my own. I didn’t really mind sleeping on the couch; it wasn’t like I’d be sleeping much tonight anyways.

                “You okay?” I looked up and saw Blaine standing at the doorway of Rachel’s bedroom, looking over to me. I tried to smile at him, but who was I fooling? He knew me better than I knew myself. He wasn’t going to buy a half-assed attempt at a smile.

                “Yeah, I think… I don’t know… not really,” I stammered out, unable to look him directly in the eye. It was still so hard to look at him without letting my mind wander to what he’d done. That was another thing I didn’t get, why he’d done this.  I know he was lonely, I know he was feeling like I didn’t need him but God, I needed him so much, and even if he was here for me now it wasn't the same. We were friends, yes, but I needed my boyfriend.

                He sat down next me, leaving a good space between us. In a way I wanted to fill the space, have him hold me and tell me it’d all be okay, and at the same time I wanted him to move farther away from me. He sighed softly and looked over to me again, out of the corner of my eye I saw him smile gently. His smile… Damn it, I hated how his smile was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life.

                “I meant what I said earlier, even if we aren’t together,” he paused and took a deep breath, “Even if we’re never together e-ever again… I’m always going to be there for you, Kurt.” Even if I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell it was killing him. I could tell that the idea of us never being together again was killing him, and honestly, it was killing me too.

                “I know you meant it.” I looked over at him, seeing him staring at me with wide, puppy-dog eyes. It was similar to the face he’d give me back when we were dating when he wanted me to come over, or to help him with his math homework. Actually, come to think about it, I’m pretty sure he didn’t need the help; he just wanted an excuse to sit half way on my lap as I explained the quadratic formula to him yet again, not that I minded.

                “Is there anything you need me to do for you?” he asked me gently. There was so much concern and love in his eyes. I didn’t even know how to respond to his question, there were a million things I wanted him to do. I wanted him to be able to cure cancer, I wanted him to be a year older, and I wanted him to be able to turn the clock back to the day when he’d cheated on me – it still hurts to say, he cheated on me – and make it right, but he couldn’t do any of that.

                “I’m okay, but if I think of anything I’ll be sure to let you know,” I said gently, closing my eyes and taking a shaky breath, I knew if I didn’t I’d start crying again, and I really didn’t want to cry now, not in front of Blaine, which is a strange feeling because not eight months ago Blaine was the single person I could cry in front of and feel absolutely comfortable, because he always made me feel better.

                “I’m so sorry, Kurt. Your dad doesn’t deserve this and… neither do you. You’ve both been through so much and…” he trailed off and looked down at his hands. “I-I’m sorry. I just want you to be happy and I’m sure all of this isn’t helping.”

                I sighed and looked over at him. He looked so guilty and just sorry for everything. Not just for what’d he’d done but for everything. “I know you are,” I whispered.

                “I don’t want you to hurt,” he whispered and wiped at his eye. Fuck, he was crying. I hated that, more than anything, seeing Blaine cry was the worst thing for me to see, especially when I didn’t know how to make him stop.

                “Come here,” I whispered. He looked over at me with confusion on his face, he had no idea where I was going with this and frankly, neither did I.

                “What?”

                “You heard me, come here.”

                Blaine scooted closer to me, close enough that our legs were pressed against each other. I sniffled gently and put my head on his shoulder. “You don’t want me to hurt and I don’t want you to either,” I said softly.

                “What do you want me to do?” he asked gently.

                “I want you to hold me,” I whispered. “I want you to hold me and not let me go until you absolutely have to.” Blaine nodded gently, not saying anything but wrapping his arms around my body. I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding, even though he’d hurt me, I’d missed him holding me. I’d missed his arms around me, I’d missed how he smelled like raspberry and vanilla, I’d missed how subconsciously he’d play with my hair or run his fingertips along my arms or back as he held onto me. I just missed him.

                If I closed my eyes tight, really, really tight, we were back in Ohio. We were on my bed, curled up together; his arms were around me, running his hands up and down my arms and placing occasional kisses to my head as we watched an old, sappy romantic movie. Eventually the movie would be over and he’d be kissing me on the lips gently and whispering something like “I love you,” or “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

                The second I opened my eyes I realized that was all just a dream, we weren’t in Ohio, we were in New York. The city of my dreams that still felt so lonely and empty without him. I sighed softly and squeezed my eyes shut again, letting him pull us both back so we were laying straight out on the couch.

                “I love you,” he whispered once we laid back. I squeezed my eyes shut and sniffled, nodding gently and letting him go on. “No matter what happens between us… know I’m always going to love you more than anyone or anything. You’re the love of my life, Kurt, you always will be. I’m sorry… I-I’m sorry for what I did and I’m sorry for what you and your dad are going through now. Neither of you ever deserve to be put through the hell you’ve been through.”

                I scooted back into his chest a little, feeling his arms tighten around me and his chin hook onto my shoulder. “Th-Thank you,” I whispered and bit my lip. “I love you too, Blaine,” I whispered. “I know we’ve been through a lot but… I do still love you.”

                Neither of us said anything the rest of the night. We just laid there and listened to the soft cries the other made. Occasionally I’d feel his arms tighten around me or feel him press a gentle kiss to my hair. Other than that nothing else happened; I wasn’t sure that anything would ever happen again. I just knew that no matter what we’d always be there for each other. I needed him in my life and I knew he needed me, even if we were only friends… we’d always be in love. That I knew for a fact would never change.