Kalemeniki
Aug. 5, 2011, 3:18 p.m.
Courage
What if Blaine's text had had a bigger impact on Kurt than he could ever realise. A story of how one simple word can mean so much! May contain triggers for some.
T - Words: 1,178 - Last Updated: Aug 05, 2011 964 0 0 2 Categories: Angst, Drama, Tags: hurt/comfort,
Courage
Kurt had had enough. He was sick of school and all the bullies it contained. He was sick of his teachers who never noticed what he went through. He was even sick of his friends who never noticed how unhappy he was. Kurt Hummel was sick of life.
Today had started with a dumpster toss, when he got out he was promptly slushied and pretty much every time he walked down the corridor he was grabbed by large, strong hands and shoved into the nearest row of lockers. It was so normal to Kurt and yet he knew it shouldn't be. He knew that tomorrow would be exactly the same and the day after that and the day after that. The days seemed to stretch out in a never ending circle. It would never move forward or get better because Kurt knew he could never change. He couldn't get better from something which he used to be proud of, only now it felt like a disease. Like a curse he had had forced upon him.
Kurt could deal with it, on a day by day basis he could get through, but the hopelessness and endlessness was dragging him down. He was done here.
When Kurt drove home that day he didn't look around him and the surroundings. He didn't smile and all the shops he liked to visit. He didn't even wave at Mrs Patrick who lived a few doors down. Kurt went through the motions. He didn't need to look around him although it would have done him good to have done so.
When he got home his fears were confirmed. Finn had left school an hour early and Kurt had guessed that he had gone out with Burt and Carole; Kurt was right. He knew they meant nothing by not inviting him. It was probably only a football game after all and Kurt hated football. He just wished they wouldn't go without him so very often. It made him feel abnormal, unwanted and unloved.
He could deal with their absence though, on a day to day basis he could deal with his family not being there when he got home. Just like he could deal with the dumpster tosses and slushies and locker shoves. Kurt Hummel wasn't weak. He could deal with all this no problem. But when Kurt thought about how things weren't changing it was then that it hurt. It was then that it made him depressed and reclusive. He just wished they'd invite him. Even if he refuses every time it would be nice to know they had thought of him when thought about a family evening out. Kurt was still in the family, even if it often didn't feel like it.
Kurt went down to the basement. He could do this anymore. He was tried and it was a fatigue that he knew wouldn't go away however long he slept. But it did go away when he was asleep. So that was what Kurt wanted. He wanted to never have to wake up, because sometimes the world is just a too much of a painful place to live in.
Kurt would often get like this; he would feel down and worthless. Normally he would sing about it, but he didn't feel like singing. Singing wouldn't make people notice him, it wouldn't protect him from the bullying, and it wouldn't make his father look at him as though Kurt had made him proud. Burt looked like that when Finn came back from a football game. Burt was proud of Finn, when Kurt managed a high note or mastered a dance routine, Burt would praise him; he never looked proud though. Kurt knew it was because Burt found nothing in Kurt to be proud of.
Kurt went into his bathroom, it was cold on the tiled floor but Kurt didn't notice. He wanted to feel cold. Kurt wanted to feel numb.
Kurt grabbed a razor from a small cup by the sink. He stared at the blade for a good few minutes. Kurt didn't like razors; he didn't like the way that however well he shaved he'd still have hair the next day. Razors didn't work they didn't erase things they just put it off for a bit. But this time he wasn't putting anything off, this time the razor's work would be permanent.
Kurt took the razor to his wrist; he positioned it so the edge of the blade was touching the edge of his wrist. It was one easy cut, Kurt knew that if he could do this then he could sleep, he could forget about everything, no more pain and no more suffering. Kurt took a deep breath, he wanted this but it didn't mean that it wasn't difficult.
Then a miracle happened.
Blaine Anderson, a warbler who had only met Kurt hours previously, texted Kurt a single word. He didn't know what kind of impact this text would have on Kurt. He didn't know that with that one word he had saved Kurt's life.
The phone let out a shrill ring, Kurt jumped and the razor that had been about to end his life fell to the floor. Kurt looked to his abandoned bag, after a moment's debate he decided to go and see what this person wanted. He didn't want to leave something unfinished, it didn't feel right.
Kurt crawled over to his phone. A single word flashed up on the screen.
Courage
Kurt must have stared at the word for half an hour before he broke down. Kurt let the sorrow wash over him. He let out all his pain. The bullies who mocked him. The teachers who ignored him. His friends who never noticed him. His family who didn't love him. It meant nothing to him, because Kurt could do this, if he let them win then that would be how he would be remembered. He had to be better than that. Kurt knew he had to have courage. Courage in facing the world and hoping that one day it would improve.
Kurt realised what he was about to do. He had been so close to giving up, to never sorting things out. He was going to leave this world with 1000 what-ifs. The thought repulsed Kurt. He couldn't leave. It would be hard the road was long and rough, but he could do it. He'd made it this far he couldn't give up now.
Kurt went back into the bathroom, he put the razor back where he'd found it. He would be using it today. Kurt could go on, but differently, tomorrow morning he would tell people. He would tell his dad how he felt about being left out. He would tell his friends about the bullying and he would let them support him. He would tell the bullies that they couldn't touch him, because at the end of the day he was better than them and he would show them all.
Kurt wasn't going to die that day, but the old scared Kurt would. He would be better, he would have courage.
And with that one word Blaine Anderson managed to save Kurt Hummel's life.
Kurt had had enough. He was sick of school and all the bullies it contained. He was sick of his teachers who never noticed what he went through. He was even sick of his friends who never noticed how unhappy he was. Kurt Hummel was sick of life.
Today had started with a dumpster toss, when he got out he was promptly slushied and pretty much every time he walked down the corridor he was grabbed by large, strong hands and shoved into the nearest row of lockers. It was so normal to Kurt and yet he knew it shouldn't be. He knew that tomorrow would be exactly the same and the day after that and the day after that. The days seemed to stretch out in a never ending circle. It would never move forward or get better because Kurt knew he could never change. He couldn't get better from something which he used to be proud of, only now it felt like a disease. Like a curse he had had forced upon him.
Kurt could deal with it, on a day by day basis he could get through, but the hopelessness and endlessness was dragging him down. He was done here.
When Kurt drove home that day he didn't look around him and the surroundings. He didn't smile and all the shops he liked to visit. He didn't even wave at Mrs Patrick who lived a few doors down. Kurt went through the motions. He didn't need to look around him although it would have done him good to have done so.
When he got home his fears were confirmed. Finn had left school an hour early and Kurt had guessed that he had gone out with Burt and Carole; Kurt was right. He knew they meant nothing by not inviting him. It was probably only a football game after all and Kurt hated football. He just wished they wouldn't go without him so very often. It made him feel abnormal, unwanted and unloved.
He could deal with their absence though, on a day to day basis he could deal with his family not being there when he got home. Just like he could deal with the dumpster tosses and slushies and locker shoves. Kurt Hummel wasn't weak. He could deal with all this no problem. But when Kurt thought about how things weren't changing it was then that it hurt. It was then that it made him depressed and reclusive. He just wished they'd invite him. Even if he refuses every time it would be nice to know they had thought of him when thought about a family evening out. Kurt was still in the family, even if it often didn't feel like it.
Kurt went down to the basement. He could do this anymore. He was tried and it was a fatigue that he knew wouldn't go away however long he slept. But it did go away when he was asleep. So that was what Kurt wanted. He wanted to never have to wake up, because sometimes the world is just a too much of a painful place to live in.
Kurt would often get like this; he would feel down and worthless. Normally he would sing about it, but he didn't feel like singing. Singing wouldn't make people notice him, it wouldn't protect him from the bullying, and it wouldn't make his father look at him as though Kurt had made him proud. Burt looked like that when Finn came back from a football game. Burt was proud of Finn, when Kurt managed a high note or mastered a dance routine, Burt would praise him; he never looked proud though. Kurt knew it was because Burt found nothing in Kurt to be proud of.
Kurt went into his bathroom, it was cold on the tiled floor but Kurt didn't notice. He wanted to feel cold. Kurt wanted to feel numb.
Kurt grabbed a razor from a small cup by the sink. He stared at the blade for a good few minutes. Kurt didn't like razors; he didn't like the way that however well he shaved he'd still have hair the next day. Razors didn't work they didn't erase things they just put it off for a bit. But this time he wasn't putting anything off, this time the razor's work would be permanent.
Kurt took the razor to his wrist; he positioned it so the edge of the blade was touching the edge of his wrist. It was one easy cut, Kurt knew that if he could do this then he could sleep, he could forget about everything, no more pain and no more suffering. Kurt took a deep breath, he wanted this but it didn't mean that it wasn't difficult.
Then a miracle happened.
Blaine Anderson, a warbler who had only met Kurt hours previously, texted Kurt a single word. He didn't know what kind of impact this text would have on Kurt. He didn't know that with that one word he had saved Kurt's life.
The phone let out a shrill ring, Kurt jumped and the razor that had been about to end his life fell to the floor. Kurt looked to his abandoned bag, after a moment's debate he decided to go and see what this person wanted. He didn't want to leave something unfinished, it didn't feel right.
Kurt crawled over to his phone. A single word flashed up on the screen.
Courage
Kurt must have stared at the word for half an hour before he broke down. Kurt let the sorrow wash over him. He let out all his pain. The bullies who mocked him. The teachers who ignored him. His friends who never noticed him. His family who didn't love him. It meant nothing to him, because Kurt could do this, if he let them win then that would be how he would be remembered. He had to be better than that. Kurt knew he had to have courage. Courage in facing the world and hoping that one day it would improve.
Kurt realised what he was about to do. He had been so close to giving up, to never sorting things out. He was going to leave this world with 1000 what-ifs. The thought repulsed Kurt. He couldn't leave. It would be hard the road was long and rough, but he could do it. He'd made it this far he couldn't give up now.
Kurt went back into the bathroom, he put the razor back where he'd found it. He would be using it today. Kurt could go on, but differently, tomorrow morning he would tell people. He would tell his dad how he felt about being left out. He would tell his friends about the bullying and he would let them support him. He would tell the bullies that they couldn't touch him, because at the end of the day he was better than them and he would show them all.
Kurt wasn't going to die that day, but the old scared Kurt would. He would be better, he would have courage.
And with that one word Blaine Anderson managed to save Kurt Hummel's life.