The words are stilled on his mouth as the other clamped down on his lips, tongue pushing in and preventing its counterpart from forming any words.  The only noise he can make comes from deeper; physically and otherwise.  The moan does nothing to discourage what they both know is about to happen.

Whether it's the right thing to be doing or not.

It started, as these things always do, with something small.  Something that they never even realised would affect them.  It was something fun they could do together, a way to keep in touch with the people back home.

A blog.

A simple blog of two Ohio boys making their way in New York.  A blog about two, openly gay boys, making their way in a City and State that actually accepted them for who they were.  A far cry from where they came from and they both talked about that, openly and honestly, in between posts about school and dorm mates and little finds in the city they had come to adore.

They took turn in posting, updating under their own profile, and amassed a small following.  (Mainly McKinley and Dalton friends, but there were a few randoms which grew to a fair number of randoms, and by the end of their second year the randoms outnumbered people they knew and loved.)

They argued over who would make The Post and in the end Kurt won (through inventive use of the handcuffs Rachel had given them last Christmas) and so he got to announce to their followers that they were finally, finally moving in together.  Just the two of them, no flatmates.  No more having to wait for someone to vacate the bathroom, no more "sex rotas" (that had been one of the more popular posts last year – most people found it funny that they'd actually drawn one up and agreed to vacate the apartment when it wasn't their night).  Just their bathroom and as much sex as they wanted.

Things were perfect and they never saw it coming.

Blaine's hands pawed at Kurt's shirt, instinctively holding back from ripping it off because this was supposed to be make up sex and Kurt could go from aroused to pissed off in two seconds if he wasn't happy with something.  And ripping buttons off his shirt would most certainly do that.

So he took the few extra seconds to undo the buttons and press his fingers into the flesh hidden below.  He felt the firmness of the muscles, the bend of the supple body under his touch.  Kurt curved into him, pressing hard against his lover's body and giving himself up in a practiced manner.

And he forgot that this probably wasn't what they should be doing.

Two days after moving in, Kurt began to suspect that something was Wrong.  Very Wrong. Capital letter Wrong.  That first night they'd shared a bottle of champagne (bought for them by Burt and Carole) and then proceeded to christen just about every room in the apartment.  They marked it as theirs, spending the night either fucking each other desperately or excitedly discussing their plans for the future.  Their future.

Then 48 hours later Kurt suggestively wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck who promptly cried off.

That had happened precisely three times in their relationship to this date.

The first was after Blaine came over after a huge fight with his dad.  He'd practically climbed onto Kurt and it had taken him thirty seconds to realise that Blaine wasn't doing this because he was horny and in love, he was doing it to make a point.  So he'd cried off and they'd talked all night instead.  (Then had sex as the sun came up like they were living in some romance novel.)

The second time was when Finn called twenty times in fifteen minutes.  Kurt could ignore the buzzing at first but it became clear that something was seriously wrong.  So they'd cried off and Kurt had checked his messages and twenty minutes later they were at the hospital where Burt was getting his leg plastered after tripping on the sidewalk.  (They'd mocked him for weeks after that.)

The third time was during their first week of college.  They'd barely seen each other after having different classes and so made time for a date night (a tradition that stood to this day).  They'd attempted to go straight to the whole sex thing until Blaine realised that all he really wanted to do was curl up with his boyfriend and talk about their first week at school in New York.  So he'd been brave enough to say it and found that Kurt felt the same – he loved Blaine, of course he did, but he was just so damn tired...

Then there was tonight and there was no reason and no discussion.  Just a "not tonight" and a very confused Kurt.

Kurt's fingers ran through Blaine's curls, pulling him impossibly closer.  He moved his mouth along his jaw before swiping his tongue along the defined line.  Then he moved to the neck, hot and dirty open mouthed kisses to taste the sweat and undeniable taste of Blaine.  The boy Kurt loved – the only boy that Kurt had ever loved.

His hands pushed the jacket from Blaine's shoulders, letting it fall to the floor and be forgotten about.  They could deal with it in the morning when they dealt with everything else.

A week in and Kurt knows that something is Wrong.  Blaine is slightly distant, something that most people wouldn't notice but Kurt has loved him for four years and been in a relationship with him for three and a half of them, and he knows Blaine.  He knows every mood, every expression.  He can read him as well as he can read Vogue and he can't convince himself any more that it's the stress of moving in and school or anything else.

There's something up and Blaine isn't talking to him about it and that scares Kurt more than anything else.

Blaine's hands work quickly on Kurt's trousers, pushing in as soon as he gains access.  There's no ceremony, there's no hesitation.  This is rough and desperate and they just want to fuck each other until they scream.

Which Kurt very nearly does when Blaine's hand grabs his cock – hard.  The mixture of pleasure and pain shoots through every synapse in his body and he never wants to stop feeling like this and he never wants Blaine to stop making him feel like this.  He pushed up into Blaine's grip, hard and firm as he moves up and down, talented fingers teasing him in ways that are still unexpected even after all these years.

His mouth falls from Blaine's neck as he struggles to breathe and when the fuck did they make it to the bedroom they are falling onto the bed, Blaine's hand pulling away to stop his body doing some serious damage to Kurt on the way.

He takes advantage of his freedom to lock his legs around Blaine's waist and he pushes over, rolling them with ease so he straddles his lover's hips.

He pushes down, just the once, and the groan from Blaine's throat echoes the noises he made when a hand was shoved down his pants.

He hates himself for doing it but he needs to know.  At first he'd convinced himself it was school or family stuff, but then the phonecalls started and the texts from "no one" and Blaine changed his email password.  Kurt would hear him, talking low in the bathroom, and when he checked Blaine's cell phone later (he was so going to hell for that) there was no record of the call.  He'd deleted it from his call history.  And the texts were sent then deleted.

He didn't want to think it because this was Blaine.  This was his Blaine who had always been his Blaine and always would be his Blaine.  No matter how many guys (and girls) had looked at either of them twice over the years the response had been the same, from either of them.

"See that gorgeous guy over there?  He's my boyfriend.  I'm in love with him.  And one day I'm going to marry him."

But the calls and texts that never were scared Kurt and when he found that Blaine's email password had been changed he was properly scared for the second time in his life.

Locker room... scared... a stolen kiss...

He jumped from the office chair as if it was burning him when he made the link between Blaine and what happened in that locker room a lifetime again.  Because no.  No.  He was going to marry Blaine some day and he could not make him that scared.

"Oh, my account got hacked," Blaine explained when Kurt finally asked him about it that night.

"So long as you're not hiding something from me," he managed to laugh, studying Blaine's reaction for something.  "Or someone."

"No, no secret lover hidden away," Blaine replied and while Kurt knew that was true he knew that there was something else being hidden away.

They're both shirtless now and their pants are unbuttoned but to push them away means that they'll have to move apart and right now neither of them want that.  So they kiss and their hands play songs on the other's body to the drumbeat of their hips rolling in together and it's like they're playing their favourite song.  Over and over and over.

They don't stop, even though they know they should.  Because if they're going to do something as wrong as this then they should at least do more than rut against the other.

Blaine growls softly, his hand pushing between them to come between their erections.  For a second it feels better than it did before but then he's pushing Kurt back onto the bed and pawing at his pants.  With only the most necessary of care he pulls them down Kurt's legs (which still go on forfuckingever and he will never get over them) and sinks his mouth over his cock.

Kurt's back arches, his hips push up and years of practice means Blaine just goes with it, and he opens his mouth and yells...

...and they're both yelling now.  Kurt had wanted to avoid this at all costs but the guilt and concern ate away at him.  So he asked and Blaine had just asked Kurt to trust him and of course he trusted his boyfriend and of course he loved his boyfriend but why was he keeping things from him and their thing was that they were honest with each other and they talked things through...

All Blaine said was "trust me" and "I can't tell you" and "I love you" and all Kurt said was "I do" and "why not?" and "I love you too" but they didn't get anywhere and went around in circles.  Because Kurt couldn't understand how you could love someone as much as Blaine said he loved him and yet keep something from them.  Something that was obviously hurting them.

And suddenly Kurt was scared that this was going to break them.

Blaine's tongue worked on Kurt's shaft, licking and sucking and making him writhe under him. He knew what to do in order to reduce his boyfriend to a gibbering mess and if they were doing this then they were doing this right.

Kurt's hands moved to Blaine's head, combing through his hair, holding him either firmly in place or moving him gently.  Not quite face fucking but it was their code that they were sick of being passive.  So with one final suck Blaine pulled off, placing a wet kiss on his hip bone as he moved up, shucking his own pants as he did so.

"I'm still mad at you," Kurt growled in Blaine's ear as his neck was attacked.

"I'm still mad at you," Blaine hissed back before lightly sinking his teeth into Kurt's shoulder.

He yelled out...

...telling Blaine that whatever secret he was keeping, whatever confidence he was keeping couldn't be worth risking his relationship over and that stilled the argument.

Blaine looked as if Kurt had hit him, the shock was rolling off him.  He took a step back from Kurt, shaking his head, before turning on his heel and leaving, the door slamming shut behind him.

Kurt stood in the middle of their apartment, alone, and worried that Blaine was never coming home again.  Well, not to stay at least.

Kurt was sure he was going to hate himself in the morning.  Blaine's mouth was doing ungodly things to his body and he wanted to use his mouth to say "stop" or "we need to talk" rather than "oh god" and "don't stop" and "fuck – do that again".  He pushed his hands back into Blaine's hair, pushing with them and his body to turn them over.  Hips aligned and pushed against again each other, mouths and tongues entwined...

Kurt's fingers ran down Blaine's sides, around the swell of his ass until his boyfriend shifted, allowing him to move further until his fingertips were pushing bluntly and heavily against his hole and dear fuck when did he get them wet?

Blaine gave up wondering when Kurt pushed in and he felt like his chest was about to explode.

He didn't get very far, just sat on the floor in the corridor outside their apartment with his head in his hands.  He wanted to tell Kurt everything but he'd promised and that meant something.  One day he'd be able to and one day Kurt would know, but that wasn't today.

Except it was.

Inside their apartment, separated by walls and not blocks as Kurt presumed, he was sat at the laptop, Blaine's email account in front of him, and he was trying any and every password he could think of.  Time and time again it told him that it was incorrect and time and time again Kurt hated himself a little bit more.  But he was damned if he was losing the man he planned on marrying one day to something he didn't know how to fight.

His own email chimed and frustrated he opened the inbox.  It was a comment on one of his blog posts – anonymous as many of these types of comments tended to be.  Young, gay kids, some out some closeted still.  All looking at Kurt and Blaine like they were some example to be followed.

"Yeah, follow your dreams kids.  Then one day your boyfriend will keep things from you and that'll be that."

Password : itgetsbetter

And there is was.  Blaine's inbox.

For a moment Kurt was a little jealous that Blaine was getting way more comments on his posts that he was, but then he realised that the majority of them were from one person.  And they hadn't come through the blog but from an email account.  Blaine was emailing someone he'd met via the blog and irrational fear and panic rose once more until he couldn't stop himself clicking on the last one.

And then he hated himself even more.

Sat mere feet away in the hallway, Blaine ran through the options in his mind.  He knew that unless he did something, unless this was sorted, he stood a very real chance of losing Kurt and he couldn't let that happen.  Pushing himself to his feet he stood, found his key in his jeans pocket, and walked in on betrayal.

Kurt had three fingers in him now, had done for a while, and Blaine's body was just begging for some release.  Any release.  Either the desire to come or the desire to have Kurt in him.  Either was good, both would be fantastic, but at least one.  Please.

But no.  Kurt's fingers continued to push and stroke inside him while his other hand gripped the base of his cock firmly.  This was pure pleasure torture and there was no sign that Kurt was going to give up.  So Blaine panted and moaned and begged and swore and begged some more for something – anything.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Blaine yelled.  "That's private you have no right..."

As he ranted on, Kurt said nothing.  Suddenly it all made sense.  Every brick in that wall that Blaine had built between them made perfect sense.  And each brick in that wall was precious and needed treating with care and Kurt had taken a sledgehammer to it.  Because now Blaine would never forgive him.  Now this really was the end of them and if only he'd just had faith in his knowledge of Blaine's love and fidelity and honesty.

"...I would have told you..."

I'm just so scared that Dad's going to hate me.  He goes on and on all the time about "them" in front of me and he knows what he's doing.  I brought a guy home for the first time – just a friend – but the way Dad reacted?  I'm terrified of what will happen when I do bring a boyfriend home.

I know you had Kurt's family but I don't think I'm ever going to meet *my* Kurt.  I'm scared that I won't find someone who loves me AND has an awesome family to support us.  I know what's going to happen – how did you deal with it?  How did you deal with knowing that as soon as you and Kurt moved away together your dad was just going to wash his hands of you?  Because right now I need all the positive thoughts I can get.  I'm still here, I'm still in his house and it's like I can see every second of the time I have left as part of this family ticking away in front of me.  I'm going to lose him and it's going to be because one day I'm going to meet a guy and fall in love and then I won't have a dad any more.

How can I make that trade off?  How do you get to be OK with swapping a parent for a boyfriend?

This kid was lost and scared and saw Blaine as a future version of himself.  Having scanned the email history there wasn't a single word in there that Kurt didn't know about, hadn't lived through himself, but there was also the reason for Blaine's silence.

I probably shouldn't be chatting to you like this – probably breaking some blogging etiquette or something!  But mainly Kurt would have a fit.  What happened with my Dad happened a long time ago and a long way away.  And most of the time we're just happy to leave it there.  I'm happy to leave it there.  "Losing" my Dad was one of the hardest things I have had to go through and I wouldn't have made it without Kurt.  He wants to protect me from that I guess.

But you can't run away forever.  So...  At the bottom of this email is my cell number.  If you need to talk, if you get in trouble or if anything happens, I want you to call me.  No matter what.  Or text me, whatever's easier.  Because you can't ignore what is going on and I don't want you to stick your head in the sand any more.  (And even though Kurt would protest, I can't ignore what happened to me and I'm choking on said sand.  I know he loves me and he wants what's best for me, but sometimes that means dealing with the pain.)

Blaine was done yelling now and so Kurt stood up, closing the screen of the laptop as he did so. He turned to face his (ex?) boyfriend, seeing for the first time the anger blazing in his eyes.

"That kid trusted me," Blaine said.  "I thought you did too."

"I trust you not to cheat on me," Kurt snapped back.  "But this is more than that, Blaine, and you know it."

Kurt could never get the hang of being cruel because it just ended up being cruel to himself. Watching Blaine beg beneath him made him want him even more.  His own cock, heavy and already leaking, was just waiting.  A touch or a mouth or something and he would come.  He just knew it.  Leaning over Blaine's body he pressed a simple kiss to the side of his mouth, sliding his fingers out as he did so.  Blaine's whimper was stolen by Kurt's lips but he still shifted a little, raising his hips so Kurt could position himself better.

This wasn't going to take long but all they wanted – all they needed – was to come and they wanted to do that when they were together.

Kurt's entry was slow, almost agonisingly so, and they willed their bodies to just wait.  Not yet.  Please, not yet.  Let me have a few moments with him

"I don't have a problem with you helping him, I really don't.  In fact I probably would have insisted that you do!" Kurt yelled.  "What I have a problem with is that you basically blame mefor this."

"How do I make it your fault?" Blaine asked.

"You told him that I'm ignoring what you went through with your dad.  Like it doesn't matter.  Like it didn't kill me to see you like that.  Like I wasn't desperate for you to just leave and come live with me, like I wasn't begging my Dad to let you stay over, even if for one night, so you could have a break."

"Every time I try and mention my dad though you never want to talk about it."

"Because of you," Kurt snapped.  "Because I know what it does to you.  You shut down, love.  You close off and you..."  He gave a hollow laugh as he realised.  "These last few weeks.  I thought you were shutting down because of...  But it was talking about your dad, wasn't it?"

"That kid has no one.  I had Mom, I had you and your family and the New Directions and the Warblers.  He has no one and he's scared.  I had to give him a lifeline, Kurt.  I just had to."

"And you risked losing me on the way?"

"I don't want that..."

"But it nearly happened, Blaine.  We could have so easily...  When you left I wondered if you were ever coming back..."

"Kurt, I love you..."

"I know and I love you too, but you can't deal with shit like this on your own."

And suddenly they weren't on their own any more.  And Kurt was in him and everything was as it should be.  And their eyes met and their bodies stilled for a second.  And the anger was gone and all that was said with their eyes, not their mouths was I'm sorry and I love you and You are not alone in this.

They forced themselves to slow, to drag out every moment as long as they possibly could.  To make this last as long as they could.  The slow pull of Kurt's cock on his prostate making Blaine's skin tingle and his stomach curl.  The feel of Blaine around him, hot and slick and tight making Kurt's head spin.

Because this is who they are now.  College juniors on the verge of a whole life together.  Bloggers who talk about what it meant for them to be the only out gay kid in High School for years and what it was like being hospitalised for who you were.  How it felt finding someone who was not only like you in terms of being out and proud, but also like you in terms of your soul.  How it felt to fall in love, so hard and strong so early in life and how scared it makes you when you know, before you're even 20 years old, that this is the person you're going to spend forever with.

Every first (well, most of them, and some of them not at all because Burt and Carole and Finn read the blog and there were certain things about Kurt they never wanted to know) and every high and every low.  Every drama that they had been through when they realised what a lifeline their blog could be.

But more importantly their lifeline to each other.  Because when you looked at all the shit that they had gone through in their lives, the only thing that made it worth it on the bad days was the other.  Knowing that every day led them here, to this bed, where Kurt made Blaine fuckingscream as he came, made it OK.  Knowing that every name and hurt and tear didn't matter as Kurt almost blacked out when he came.

Tomorrow they'd post a rare joint blog about how love can't be taken for granted, how it can be so easily lost if you're not careful.  How walls built with the best of intentions can shut the other out, so if you're going to do it then build a window in it.  (Or a door, Kurt will quip.)  Tomorrow Blaine will speak again to the kid who's been texting and calling him, and then Kurt will take the phone and offer his perspective.  And then the two of them will be there for him.

(Just under ten years from tomorrow they'll be at that kid's wedding and the place will be packedout with people who love him as if the Universe needed to prove that it does get better.)

But for now, hot and sweaty and sticky in places, they come down from their high and they look at each other.  There's a part of them that's still mad, but mostly they're just in love.