HPontmercy
March 15, 2012, 12:03 p.m.
You Moved Me
On his and Blaine's anniversary, Kurt finds this email on Blaine's computer, dated a year ago to the day. Short and Sweet, R&R if you will.
K - Words: 952 - Last Updated: Mar 15, 2012 1,051 0 1 1 Categories: Cotton Candy Fluff, Romance, Characters: Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Tags: established relationship, friendship,
Draft saved 3-15-11 Recipient: none Subject: You move me
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.
There was something about you, about the way you could stand in front of us and sing your heart out. Something about the way you were never afraid to be yourself. You had done it once before, when you sang "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" and we were all but supportive. I wasn't supportive. But you were amazing, Kurt.
You did it again, today, when Pavarotti died. Even though tears ran down your face, you stood your ground. Your voice did not break, but I could tell how you felt. The rest of the Warblers joined in, harmonizing under your velar, brilliant voice, but I didn't. I couldn't. I could only watch.
I was frozen. I felt like you were singing to me, or at least about me. All my life, I'd been waiting to speak, and there you were with the words I needed to say. I'd been waiting for you all along.
I guess I've waited too long. From the moment you first showed up at Dalton academy, with your shoulder bag and your black clothes, looking so out of place it was ridiculous to think you could actually fit in, I was intrigued. You were so fresh, so different, so unique, I couldn't help but be a little speechless. You, Kurt Hummel, made me forget my name. And I will never forget that.
As I got to know you, after you transferred, I began to fall for you. Did you know that? It's true. I didn't let on, because your life was crazy enough without another admirer. I felt you needed space, and I was scared you wouldn't feel the same way. My aggressive flirting around Christmastime—remember "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?—didn't even seem to affect you. So I stayed quiet.
I envied you, Kurt. Even though so much had gone wrong for you in the past, you never let it get to you. Your courage was amazing. And when you left Dalton, it wasn't just because you were scared. It was because you were smart. You knew what was good for you, and you did it. Too bad I didn't know what was good for me.
After a while, I thought it was hopeless. It'd never happen. After all, I'd never had much-if any-luck with guys. (Of course, as a teenage gay boy in Ohio, I didn't really get many opporunities.) I had given up on you.
And then I met Jeremiah. At first, he was just a replacement, a pointless side-story. Then, believe it or not, Ifell for him. BAM. There I go again. And, well, you know the story. (Why do fools fall in love?) Even dapper-as-all-get-out Blaine anderson has to make a fool of himself. Wrong song, wrong place, wrong time... wrong boy.
You were there the whole time, Kurt, not judging, not saying anthing, even though I was singing that song did I mention it was wrong?) to him and not to you.
Kurt, when you told me what you felt, my world stopped. All along you'd felt the same way? I'd wasted so much time, and I wondered if I could ever get it back. So, being the complete and utter loser and fail at all things relationship-wise I am, I told you I cared about you, but didn't want to mess up our friendship. Which was true, by the way. I just wish I had been more honest with you-and with myself.
After Valentine's Day (the worst holiday ever) things went back to normal, -ish. But after you told me you like, liked me (Oh, there I go, Dapper Blaine, always managing to disprove the nickname and act like a teenage girl... But I digress.) I couldn't imagine how things ould ever be normal again.
For a while it was awkward. Did you feel it too? I did. Evey moment with you, while amazing, since, of course, you're my best friend, was terrible because we both liked each other but were both too scared to admit it.
I'm finally admitting it now.
I've been scared all my life of telling someone how I really feel. I've never really had the opportunity, but when I do, of course I go and mess it up with an inappropriate song. (I will never live that down.) this time, I think I've found a better one. Do you know Candles? By Hey Monday? If you don't, you should. I think you'd like it. I think it's beautiful. You picked the perfect song to honor Pav, I hope I can do the same.
Well, this is it. I'm hiding in the practice room with my laptop, typing this, trying to get up the courage to actually talk to you. I know you're sad. It's going to be rough on all of us, without Pav. His bright yellow feathers and always cheery demeanor...can canaries be anything but cheery? were a morale booster for all of us. But I know you'll have it the worst. You loved him. You have so much love inside of you, Kurt. Even though the world has thrown so much crap at you, you still have love. That's what I love about you.
Kurt, you're probably never going to read this. I'm probably going to bury this in my secret folder, with all of my pictures of Jesse McCartney. I just needed to write it. So if you read this, please just see past my sap, and my dorkiness, and all the other un-dapper things I've written to you. Iguess I'll have to say them out loud, somehow. who knows? Maybe I'll never say exactly what I want to say to you out loud. Just know that you move me, Kurt.
-Blaine
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.
There was something about you, about the way you could stand in front of us and sing your heart out. Something about the way you were never afraid to be yourself. You had done it once before, when you sang "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" and we were all but supportive. I wasn't supportive. But you were amazing, Kurt.
You did it again, today, when Pavarotti died. Even though tears ran down your face, you stood your ground. Your voice did not break, but I could tell how you felt. The rest of the Warblers joined in, harmonizing under your velar, brilliant voice, but I didn't. I couldn't. I could only watch.
I was frozen. I felt like you were singing to me, or at least about me. All my life, I'd been waiting to speak, and there you were with the words I needed to say. I'd been waiting for you all along.
I guess I've waited too long. From the moment you first showed up at Dalton academy, with your shoulder bag and your black clothes, looking so out of place it was ridiculous to think you could actually fit in, I was intrigued. You were so fresh, so different, so unique, I couldn't help but be a little speechless. You, Kurt Hummel, made me forget my name. And I will never forget that.
As I got to know you, after you transferred, I began to fall for you. Did you know that? It's true. I didn't let on, because your life was crazy enough without another admirer. I felt you needed space, and I was scared you wouldn't feel the same way. My aggressive flirting around Christmastime—remember "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?—didn't even seem to affect you. So I stayed quiet.
I envied you, Kurt. Even though so much had gone wrong for you in the past, you never let it get to you. Your courage was amazing. And when you left Dalton, it wasn't just because you were scared. It was because you were smart. You knew what was good for you, and you did it. Too bad I didn't know what was good for me.
After a while, I thought it was hopeless. It'd never happen. After all, I'd never had much-if any-luck with guys. (Of course, as a teenage gay boy in Ohio, I didn't really get many opporunities.) I had given up on you.
And then I met Jeremiah. At first, he was just a replacement, a pointless side-story. Then, believe it or not, Ifell for him. BAM. There I go again. And, well, you know the story. (Why do fools fall in love?) Even dapper-as-all-get-out Blaine anderson has to make a fool of himself. Wrong song, wrong place, wrong time... wrong boy.
You were there the whole time, Kurt, not judging, not saying anthing, even though I was singing that song did I mention it was wrong?) to him and not to you.
Kurt, when you told me what you felt, my world stopped. All along you'd felt the same way? I'd wasted so much time, and I wondered if I could ever get it back. So, being the complete and utter loser and fail at all things relationship-wise I am, I told you I cared about you, but didn't want to mess up our friendship. Which was true, by the way. I just wish I had been more honest with you-and with myself.
After Valentine's Day (the worst holiday ever) things went back to normal, -ish. But after you told me you like, liked me (Oh, there I go, Dapper Blaine, always managing to disprove the nickname and act like a teenage girl... But I digress.) I couldn't imagine how things ould ever be normal again.
For a while it was awkward. Did you feel it too? I did. Evey moment with you, while amazing, since, of course, you're my best friend, was terrible because we both liked each other but were both too scared to admit it.
I'm finally admitting it now.
I've been scared all my life of telling someone how I really feel. I've never really had the opportunity, but when I do, of course I go and mess it up with an inappropriate song. (I will never live that down.) this time, I think I've found a better one. Do you know Candles? By Hey Monday? If you don't, you should. I think you'd like it. I think it's beautiful. You picked the perfect song to honor Pav, I hope I can do the same.
Well, this is it. I'm hiding in the practice room with my laptop, typing this, trying to get up the courage to actually talk to you. I know you're sad. It's going to be rough on all of us, without Pav. His bright yellow feathers and always cheery demeanor...can canaries be anything but cheery? were a morale booster for all of us. But I know you'll have it the worst. You loved him. You have so much love inside of you, Kurt. Even though the world has thrown so much crap at you, you still have love. That's what I love about you.
Kurt, you're probably never going to read this. I'm probably going to bury this in my secret folder, with all of my pictures of Jesse McCartney. I just needed to write it. So if you read this, please just see past my sap, and my dorkiness, and all the other un-dapper things I've written to you. Iguess I'll have to say them out loud, somehow. who knows? Maybe I'll never say exactly what I want to say to you out loud. Just know that you move me, Kurt.
-Blaine