Can you meet me at the Lima Bean in an hour? We need to talk - Blaine
I stared down at the text, a feeling of uneasiness washing over me. What did Blaine want to talk about that required face to face conversation? Was he alright? Or worse, were we alright? I didn’t want to think about it.
After typing a quick reply insuring I would be on my way, I pocketed my phone and grabbed my car keys. I got into my Navigator and turned on the radio, but I wasn’t really in the mood for listening to music. I took the familiar roads down to the Lima Bean, pulling up in front of the little coffee shop and finding that I did not want to get out of the car. I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel nervously, and took notice of Blaine’s car parked a few spots away from mine. I took a deep breath and took the keys out of the ignition, and made my way to the front doors.
I spotted Blaine instantly, sitting by the window with a blank stare on his face, staring out at nothing. I noticed that he hadn’t ordered any coffee. I had half a mind to get him a medium drip, but decided against it. I made my way over to the table, and tried to ignore the sinking feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when he didn’t return my smile. I sat down, and stared at him, waiting for him to speak. When he said nothing, I tentatively began the conversation.
“Blaine?” His eyes met mine. “You…said you wanted to talk?” I asked, trying to feign nonchalance, but failing miserably. I could hear the slight quiver in my voice when I spoke. I cleared my throat, begging silently for everything to turn out alright. He nodded, and looked as nervous as I felt.
“I think it’s time we talked about us.”
I felt my heart begin to beat faster. “What about us, exactly?”
“About you and I, and the future we may or may not have together…” he trailed off.
For a second, my heart stopped.
“What about it?” I said, which a somewhat strangled laugh. “I may be going away to New York, but that’s not going to stop me from loving you.”
He paused for a moment. “Kurt, look, I'm so flattered that you're willing to do the long distance thing with me and I think that's great, but I just...” Another pause. “I don't think it's gonna work out,” he finished quietly.
I looked at him, unable to comprehend what he was saying. No, he wasn’t saying…he couldn’t be saying…that we couldn’t be together. It was impossible. Blaine loved me. Yet deep down…I knew this was no joke or prank. Blaine was serious. Blaine wanted to end things. I suddenly found it very hard to breathe.
“Why? Why won't it work out?” I asked, demanding an answer. “I should have known…I knew something was wrong. For weeks, you've been acting so strange and distant. Why? I thought you loved me.”
“Kurt, slow down. Of course I love you and that will never change, but I just can't keep this up with a good conscience.”
I didn’t understand. A good conscience? What the hell was that supposed to mean? My mind raced, and searched frantically for a reason, and explanation for why Blaine wouldn’t have a good conscience. I only found one.
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice shaking. “Sebastian,” I spat out the offensive name.
Blaine’s eyes widened, shocked by the accusation. “What?! Kurt, I already told you that Sebastian means nothing to me. He threw a slushie in my face for crying out loud! I- I haven't cheated on you if that's what you're thinking.”
I shook my head. “Then what the hell is it Blaine? Explain it to me, because that seems like the only logical explanation.”
“What does it matter? I've thought long and hard about this and this is the only answer.” Silence, and then,
“I think we need to break up.”
His words rang loud and clear in my mind, bouncing off the walls. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, save for the seven words that kept repeating themselves over and over in my head. And like a ton of bricks, it hit me.
In a second, my world came crashing down. My heart shattered into a million little razor sharp pieces, cutting me up inside. I felt sick, just hearing those words. He didn’t mean them. He couldn’t have. I ignored the telltale prick of tears behind my eyes, and stared at him, looking at his face for any sign that this was hurting him too. His face was blank, his eyes devoid of any emotion. If possible, I felt my heart break just a little bit more. I couldn’t let him do this.
“It's not the only answer and you know it too. You know what I think? I think you're scared.” I watched him flinch at the word, and new I had hit the problem right on its nose. “I think you're scared of me leaving, and you thought the only way to deal with that fear was to end this, to end us.”
He took a moment to compose himself, and spoke to me with more affirmation in his voice than before. “Frankly, yes. I can't anchor you to Lima. You're a star, Kurt, and I refuse to be the one thing holding you back. I know you think we can make this work, but we can't. It's just not possible, Kurt. If I really love you, then I have to let you go.”
I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell at him that he was wrong and that we could make this work. But instead, I felt the first of the tears fall down my face, wet and hot on my cheeks.
“I always knew it was too good to be true.” I whispered, allowing the tears to fall freely. “I finally found true happiness, and now it's being snatched right out from underneath my feet. Every kiss, every touch...it felt unreal. And now I know it was. I would wait for you Blaine, you know that, don’t you?” I pleaded with him, hoping to have him see reason.
“Yes, I do, and that's what scares me.” He looked out the window, and I noticed that his eyes were misty too. “I'd be hindering you from your true potential and that's not fair. That's Rachel and Finn's relationship, not mine! Kurt, every moment spent with you has been the best of my life. I'll never forget our first kiss, our first 'I love you,' and especially our first time. You saved me and I will forever be in your debt, which is precisely why I need to let you fly free.”
I stared at him incredulously. After everything that we’ve been through together, why would he even think of letting me go? Didn’t he understand?
“You saved me, Blaine. And that's what's hurting me the most now. My life started when I met you, and it won't continue without you. Don't you see?! I don't care about New York more than I care about you!” And it was true. As much a performing had been my life, that had all changed when I met Blaine. I suddenly had something else to fight for, to live for. Why wasn’t he listening to me?
A tear fell down his beautiful face. “Kurt, this is hurting me too. If we could make this work then I'd be all for it, because the thought of you in another man's arms breaks my heart. But I can't be selfish like that. I need to think about you and how I can help you. You may not know it now, but this is for the best.”
I sat, stunned into silence. For the best? No, this was everything but for the best. I felt like I was suffocating.
“I just don't want to let it go. I can't let it go. You were my first everything, and I can never forget you. You've always been so selfless Blaine. Please be a little selfish this time, for me?”
Silence. Please, I begged silently. Please, please do this for me. Just this once.
His faced etched with sadness, he shook his head slowly. “Not when it's your future on the line. Kurt, don't you understand that I would never be able to forgive myself if I ruined your future?” His voice was now thick with tears. All I wanted to do was lean across the table and kiss him senseless, tell him everything would be okay, but I thought better of it.
“Besides, for all I know, there could be someone out there in New York who is a thousand times better for you than I ever was. You don't want to have to turn them down because you have some commitment back home dragging you down.”
I shook my head, refusing to believe what he was saying. No one would ever be better for me than him. No one.
“There will be no convincing you, will there?” I whispered brokenly.
“I just... I don't see any other options. As much as this tears me up inside, I'm out of ideas.”
My head snapped up at this, and my eyes narrowed. Suddenly, I was very, very angry.
“Well here's one. Go find a boyfriend who doesn't have any dreams, who doesn't have to be a commitment. I'm sure you'll be happy enough then, not having to anchor them down,” I snapped.
I regretted it instantly once I saw the hurt look on Blaine’s face. “Kurt, no, don't be like that. I just want what's best for you. Don't you see?”
“I'll tell you what I see,” I said. “I see a man, whom I met on a staircase just a little over a year ago. I see the man who saved my life and made me truly happy for the first time in my life. I see the man I sang flirty duets with, who transferred to a public school to be with me. I see the only man I've ever loved, and he's breaking my heart. Maybe I'm being a little bit selfish, but I only want you, and you're running away from me.”
“Kurt, I'd never run away from you,” he said softly.
“Then what are you doing right now, Blaine? You're breaking up with me, is that not some form of running away?” I said angrily. “You know what? I can't - I can't even look at you right now without my heart breaking. I have to go.” I made to leave, but Blaine grabbed me by the hand and I froze.
“No, Kurt, wait! Don't go! I don't want it to end like this,” he pleaded with me.
“Then how do you want it to end? Remember, you're ending this, not me.” My words were meant to come out harsh and unforgiving, but instead I just sounded sad. Tired, and very, very sad.
Suddenly, Blaine dropped my hand as though he’d been burned. He looked at me, heartbreak written all over his face and burning in his eyes.
“You’re right, I am…” he trailed off. “I should…I need to…leave.”
“But Blaine – “ I began, but at that moment he stood up very abruptly, and all but ran out of the shop. I sat there in silence, heart hammering loudly in my ears. It was only until I saw his car pull out of the lot and drive away did I try to move. I got up slowly, my limbs feeling heavy.
I didn’t understand, why had Blaine left me? He begged me to stay when I wanted to leave, but in turn had run away before I could even get the words out of my mouth. Coward, I thought scathingly, but regretted it immediately. Blaine was no coward.
It was only when I had driven all the way home and was sitting in the driveway facing my house that it hit me. Blaine and I were no longer together. Blaine had broken up with me. I no longer was able to say that Blaine Anderson was my boyfriend, that he was mine. I would never have the future I imagined with him, he wouldn’t be there for me to complain about Rachel or the workload in NYADA. I wouldn’t have Blaine with me to retell my tales in the big city. I wouldn’t have my best friend. It was at that realization that the tears I had been fighting for song long finally overtook me, and I allowed myself to cry. As my body was wracked with sobs, I realized that I had never felt so completely and utterly alone.