It’s the silence that hurt’s most, Kurt thinks when he pauses in the middle of cooking, too wound up into his thoughts to actually do anything. His hands still and he just stares out of the window for eight whole minutes before continuing, without really seeing anything and thoughts going around in the same circles.


Silence hurts the most, because it’s an on-going, never-ending reminder of his loneliness. He can close his eyes or go into another room and pretend that yes, there is someone else here, he just doesn’t see him. But the silence ruins his illusion immediately, because he can’t pretend hearing the voices the other person should be making: steps, the rustle of clothes, breathing.


It has been three weeks since Blaine left.


This wasn’t the first time it had happened, Blaine had packed some of his most essential stuff and rushed out the door after one of their fights many times before. But this was the first time he hasn’t come back. Usually he came back after one night, or couple of days, a week tops. After ten days Kurt started to grow desperate.


Afterwards, they never knew why a certain argument had started or why it had ended like it always did, in a horrible mess with both of them shouting at each other and playing their cards in the stupidest way possible, given the situation how much they eventually needed each other. Kurt was never the one who left, he stayed where he was until he had driven Blaine away from him in every possible way. But all the things they fought about seemed so meaningless after Kurt hears Blaine slam the door closed, again.


But he never runs after him.


It’s actually kind of funny, in a dark way, how Kurt consciously decides to close himself off from being happy. There is obviously a part of him which determinedly, knowing all the consequences, wants to destroy him. And he is too weak to resist that part, he is too proud to call Blaine even though it have been three weeks and all he really wants to do is crawl and beg for him to come home.


Kurt’s hands start to move again when his body takes over his mind, which has slid too close to the edge of collapsing. It’s the only way he keeps himself going, numbing his mind and just letting his body do all the work, getting out of bed, getting to work, making some food, just focusing on what he’s doing. Because if he really starts to think about the silence of their empty apartment - how the smell of Blaine has slowly but inevitably faded off their bed and the fact that Blaine has never been away this long and how worried it makes Kurt, so worried that he has this constant urge to vomit all his entrails out which doesn’t make eating a very easy job, worried that something has happened to him, he’s not okay, he can be hurt, worried that he has finally got enough and will never come back - he starts to feel like he will just broke into little pieces and shatter on the floor.


Kurt loves Blaine. He loves him more than anything else in this world. And he needs him just as much. And it’s the reason why he can’t go looking for him or call him, because he can’t let Blaine know. He has let Blaine in in every other possible way, opened himself up to him completely, except for this. He can’t let him know how he has the power to turn Kurt into this sobbing, senseless, needy mess he becomes every time Blaine leaves him. It terrifies Kurt that he is so dependent on some other person, but it terrifies him even more that Blaine would know it, would know how utterly and completely broken Kurt is without him. Besides, Kurt is scared that his madness itself would chase Blaine away. It can’t be okay to feel this much, not even for the person you’re in love with, Kurt thinks. But he can deal with it, he manages, but only if knows the amount of his pain.


So there’s nothing left to do for him except waiting for Blaine to come back.


If he does.


Nothing left to do except what he forces himself to do every night: finish his meal, eat without really tasting anything and loose himself in the work he has brought home (every time Blaine’s away Kurt suddenly becomes the most industrious person in his working place) and stop avoiding the bed around 1 A.M. I need to sleep, I can’t be dead-tired at work, he argues to himself, and forces his body under the sheets. But sadly he can’t force himself to sleep.


He spends a long time awake, staring at the ceiling and listening to every tiny little sound. He fights off his tears and concentrates on hoping that maybe now, maybe this night he will finally come back. Come back like he always does, say he’s sorry and Kurt will also apologize and they will cry a bit and Blaine will tell him how much he loves Kurt and Kurt will say I love you too and everything will be in its rightful place again. Kurt hugs himself and suppresses the panic rising in his chest which tries to scream no you are an idiot he will never come he’s gotten sick of you and your twisted pride games he doesn’t love you anymore you don’t deserve him and he has finally realized it you are worthless and insane – No, he shakes his head and squeezes his eyes closed tightly. Go away. He will come back. He always does. I just have to wait…


Kurt doesn’t realize he has drifted into sleep until he hears the front door click open and flinches awake from his dream. He holds his breath and stares into the darkness with wide eyes, his body tense, because he can’t be sure, he might have heard wrong – but then he hears familiar, soft steps on the floor and relaxes. Relief floods through his whole body, but he stays still, waiting.


There is small hint of light when Blaine opens the door and tiptoes in, but he doesn’t switch the light on so Kurt doesn’t see him until Blaine climbs into the bed and finds Kurt’s eyes staring at him through the darkness. Blaine’s eyes look so tired and there is a small moment of horror when Kurt is absolutely sure that Blaine has just come to tell him he’s tired of this and he is done with him. Kurt waits there, like an animal which is about to get shot, but the death never comes.


“I’m so sorry, Kurt”, Blaine whispers gently. “I was away for too long.”


Kurt can’t respond because he’s gasping for air he has been holding since he heard the first sound from the door. His lungs are burning and his eyes are burning and God just stop before you even start –


“Are you okay?” Blaine looks worried. Kurt sits up so he can face him and smile, even though he can’t fight the tears that inevitably start falling from his lashes.


“Yes”, he breathes, “I’m okay. I’m okay now.” Blaine touches his cheek and wipes away a single tear with his thumb. Kurt has to close his eyes for a while because it have been three weeks since Blaine has touched him and a little warm touch on his face suddenly feels very overwhelming.


When he opens his eyes and looks into Blaine’s they are full of everything Kurt feels inside him, the same love, the same longing and apologies – I’m so sorry we are like this -


“I’m sorry, too”, Kurt says back, and there is a long silence again, which is interrupted by Kurt’s tiny sob.
Blaine hushes soothingly and crawls closer.


“I just –,“ Kurt cries, “can we be in love again?”


“I think we have never stopped”, Blaine says tenderly and leans in to capture Kurt’s bottom lip between his own. Kurt sighs into the kiss and opens his mouth eagerly, letting Blaine deepen the kiss and slip his tongue inside.


A sudden wave of want rushes through Kurt’s entire body and he slides his hands through Blaine’s curls. He needs to have Blaine and he needs to have him now, so he can believe everything is okay and settled between the two of them again. He pulls Blaine on top of him and feels the ache that has been gnawing at him for three weeks ease at the same time that Blaine’s body warms his own. Blaine keeps kissing him, deep but slow kisses which Kurt sinks into, that make him forget every single day they were apart. Kurt forgets everything that makes him sad, even how much he hates himself for being so stupid and almost losing Blaine over his pride because what does it mean who wins a stupid fight compared to this - Kurt gasps when Blaine’s lips slide over his jaw and start sucking his neck. He slides his hands under Blaine’s shirt and tugs at it fiercely and Blaine gets the hint. He rises off Kurt and tosses his shirt aside while Kurt works with the zipper of Blaine’s jeans. Blaine leans in and plants kisses on the side of Kurt’s neck until he reaches his ear and whispers:


“Take your clothes off.” Then he slides off the bed completely and Kurt starts undressing his own clothes, which he's wearing far less of than Blaine. We should probably talk about this, Kurt thinks nervously, talk about why they had spent the last three weeks apart even though it’s clear they shouldn’t be and why they fought so often and how they needed to stop this if they wanted to be together, yes, they should talk about it but Kurt’s brains seem to forget why the second Blaine climbs back on the bed and presses his naked body against Kurt’s.


Blaine drops a bottle of lube on the bed and goes back to assaulting Kurt’s neck. Kurt tries to gather his thoughts even if it’s very hard when he has Blaine’s gorgeously naked body on top of him and his mouth on his neck, sucking and licking and biting and a hard cock pressing against his own, dragging a breathy moan out of both of them.


“Blaine”, Kurt starts but Blaine decides to choose that moment to slide his mouth down and start to assault Kurt’s left nipple. Kurt gasps but tries to continue:


“Don’t you think – oh – we should talk first –“


“We have time to talk” Blaine responds and moves to the other nipple. “We have all the time in the world”, he says and moves his gaze to Kurt before pressing a gentle kiss on his nipple, “because I don’t want to leave anymore. Ever. I have missed you so much, Kurt”, he whispers, kissing his way down, and all Kurt can respond is a soft, helpless cry, when Blaine takes him into his mouth.


It’s wonderful, and it’s so easy to get lost in it, in a world where there's nothing but a wet, hot mouth around his cock, dragging the pleasure out of him, dragging him closer to the edge with every loving suck, but it’s not what Kurt needs. Even though it feels like the sweetest thing in the world right now, it couldn’t make the aching emptiness inside of him go away. Only one thing would.


“Please”, Kurt says trying to pull Blaine off him. Blaine raises his head, his eyes confused and lips swollen.


“I need you inside me”, Kurt continues, “Blaine, please.” Blaine crawls up to kiss him.


“You don’t have to beg, love”, he chuckles against Kurt’s lips.


Blaine keeps kissing him while he opens Kurt up and it all becomes just a little bit too much, Blaine’s lips on his lips and fingers inside him, so Kurt let’s go and closes his eyes and just drifts into it, whimpering and grabbing Blaine’s arms, just to get hold on to something, something that will prevent him from falling apart completely.


But he can’t help falling apart when Blaine is finally inside him, when the ache is gone and the room is filled with the sound of sex, skin sliding against skin, panting and Blaine’s moaning when he buries his face in the crook of Kurt’s neck.


“So good it feels so good Kurt so good”, he pants and Kurt agrees, nodding silently, it feels good, it feels perfect actually, so overwhelming and flawless and dream-like, like it can’t be even real…


Realization hits Kurt so suddenly it crashes the air out of him. The panic rushes through his stomach and his brains start short-circuiting, trying to deny it desperately. His breath hitches but he’s still so close, so close of coming, but he cannot come, he tries to fight it off but Blaine keeps fucking him, perfect strokes which Kurt can’t shut out.


“Blaine”, he manages to cry out and clings into him but there is nothing more he can say before he gasps once, and then he is coming and there is nothing to cling on to.


Kurt tears his eyes open, he has come across his sheets like a teenager and he’s shaking and gasping and completely shaken up with what is real and what is a dream. It takes a few minutes to settle his racing brains, but it’s clear from the beginning that Blaine isn’t here. There has been a voice at the front door, but all has been in Kurt’s dream.


His mind had risen against him, again, creating dreams of sweet fantasies, torturing him for pictures of what he could have. Just why, Kurt thinks tiredly, rising a hand to his face. Surprisingly he finds out his cheeks are wet, so he has been crying in his sleep. It seems meaningless to fight them, since he’s crying already, so Kurt lets the tears come, and when his cries become too loud he takes a pillow and let it silence his sobs.