Aug. 15, 2012, 5:32 p.m.
An Unbreakable Force
A visit to Elizabeth Hummel's grave.
K - Words: 2,622 - Last Updated: Aug 15, 2012 755 0 0 1 Categories: Angst, Characters: Blaine Anderson, Burt Hummel, Carole Hudson-Hummel, Finn Hudson, Kurt Hummel, Tags: established relationship, hurt/comfort,
Kurt and Burt didn't have a lot in common; in fact, they were about as different as two people could get. However, during her life and even years after she passed away, Kurt's mom held the men together in a way that nothing else could. It was because of her that they made sure to share a meal every Friday night, and it was because of her that on every year on November 28 the two took a trip to Lima's cemetery.
In past years, Kurt and Burt had always gone alone, and although they always tried to leave before dusk, every year Burt's work required that they not leave until the sun was setting. Under the grey sky, they joined their hands that and trekked through the biting chill of late November, the eeriness of walking through the house of the dead sharpened by the wind whistling through the naked trees and the crunch of the frozen grass. Only their own heartbeats and the footsteps left by recent mourners could assure them that the living dared to pass. The idea that random people had family there too was discomforting, and Kurt, especially when he was younger, had always been upset by the thought of all those people coming in to the space that was supposed to be special for him and his family.
That was why it was particularly difficult for Kurt this year, when it wasn't just he and his father. This year, Burt had invited Carole and Finn to come along and, unlike the year before, they accepted, and since they were bringing other people anyway, Kurt had invited Blaine. The three additions had never been to the grave before; it was an unspoken rule in the Hummel-Hudson home that it was a place that was only for Burt and Kurt. It would be strange, to say the least.
On the way to the cemetery, everyone was quiet. Finn looked the most uncomfortable of them all; he was the fifth wheel, and while Blaine and Carole could provide emotional support, Finn felt utterly useless. To his side, Kurt sat between Blaine and Finn with his eyes glued to the road, one hand grasping a bouquet and the other laced between Blaine's fingers beside his thigh. It was discreet, but he saw Burt glance back at the couple through the rearview mirror, and Kurt was sure he saw sadness, almost rejection, different from the quiet pain that always came with visiting his mother. Kurt remembered those many trips, his hand securely wedged between his father's fingers, and he quickly released Blaine's hand and wrapped it around his flowers. The tension in the car was tangible when Burt broke the silence. He tilted the mirror so he could see most of the backseat.
"Hey, I don't want any of you to feel like you are intruding on anything, you hear that? If Kurt and I weren't comfortable with any of you coming, we sure as hell wouldn't have brought you. We're all family here, and it's only right that Kurt and I treat you like it." Burt didn't miss Blaine's eyes widen and his slight smile at the mention of "family," but Burt just nodded and continued to drive.
Touching as it was, however, Burt's speech could not calm Kurt's nerves. When they arrived at the cemetery, Kurt's head was spinning as he thought back to the moments when these people became his family and when he started to love them.
When he had only had Burt, it had been easy for Kurt to leave a large space in his heart for his mother. He never had to worry that he wouldn't have enough love for her because he really didn't have anyone else. For eight years, he had only needed room for two people, but then Burt met Carole. Kurt knew not long after they met that the couple was in for the long haul, but Kurt hadn't been worried. He knew that he had to love Carole for his father's sake, but he found himself caring for her without even thinking of his father. He admired her kindness and her clear adoration for his dad. Even before they got married, Kurt found room in his heart for just one more.
To be honest hadn't anticipated even being capable of loving Finn. He might have been infatuated with the idea of a somewhat kind quarterback in the past, but the glamour soon fell away and what he was left with was what seemed like a self-centered homophobe who cared too much about what other people thought and, most importantly, a boy who didn't like Kurt. He thought that he would be content with just ignoring him, but after their parents' wedding, his step-brother started to change. He watched Finn progress and become accepting and open-minded, and he liked the boy he saw. He enjoyed having a brother, so he made room in his heart for one more, and his family felt complete.
Never in his life had he even imagined loving so many people; it was like a space had been filled that he didn't think had been empty. He didn't have to take away from his love for either of his parents to make room for the Hudsons, but now his heart was full, and he didn't think that there was space for anyone else.
Then he met Blaine. Blaine, a random boy Kurt happened to find at Dalton. Neither had an obligation to the other, but for some reason, they stuck together. Sometimes, Kurt didn't know why Blaine was special but that Blaine was far more than a random boy. Maybe it was the way he sang, with the energy that came from wearing your heart on your sleeve, or maybe it was the way that Kurt could never grow tired of him. He wasn't sure when, but somewhere along the way he fell in love, and it felt perfect.
But as all these people, holding a special place in Kurt's heart, followed Burt to his mother's grave, Kurt's head started to spin. What if it's too many people to love? He thought. After he placed his flowers down, his chest tightened as he read his mother's tombstone for the thousandth time.
Elizabeth Hummel
Born November 28, 1960
Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter
Unforgettable
When making it, Burt had decided that they wouldn't put her death date on it because he didn't want people to think that her influence was limited to too short a span of time. Kurt often chided himself for crying at her grave because he didn't want to think that she was gone. Like his father taught him, he knew that she would always be with him in his memories and in his heart, and he refused to let that be forgotten.
Still, as he stood at her grave, on her birthday, surrounded by all of these people that he loved but that she hadn't even known, Kurt felt like he had failed her. He whispered, "I will never stop loving you," and then stepped back, allowing Burt to go forward.
He grabbed Blaine's hand by his side, and Blaine simply squeezed back, and even in his saddened state it still made Kurt feel sparks. A moment later, he felt a larger hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Finn watching with a sympathetic frown.
Somehow, it made Kurt feel both better and worse. He loved the comfort that both boys brought him, but as he tried to remember how it felt to be comforted by his mother, he realized he couldn't. When he was younger, Kurt had never doubted his ability to keep a place in his heart for his mother because he remembered why she was irreplaceable. But in that moment, as he stood in the familiar contentment, he scared himself. Unable to remember what made her touch different, Kurt felt heartbroken, and suddenly, he was no longer sure that he had room in his heart for everyone. Had he tried to love too many people? Kurt's stomach churned, but he just stood where he was, still clutching Blaine's hand as tears rolled silently down his face. He wanted to talk, but he didn't want to do it there.
Lost in his tragic musings, Kurt didn't realize that he had walked away until everyone was in the car, driving away. He turned around just in time to see the speck of his mother's grave fall into the background, and at that point he couldn't hold back the choked sob that everyone heard, but no one mentioned. He hated himself for becoming so distracted at the mere thought of forgetting her that he had let himself walk away without even saying goodbye. He imagined her face, broken and disappointed, as she watched him leave her behind. His stomach churned, and he could almost feel bile rising to his mouth.
Ignoring everyone else, Kurt rushed out of the car as soon as it was parked in the driveway and didn't stop running until he collapsed beside his bed, face buried in the comforter. As he gasped for breath and shook weakly on the floor, he thought about how often people talked about crying making them feel better, but no matter how much he cried, Kurt couldn't rid himself of the sickening sadness that overwhelmed him. Maybe he had simply cried too many times and grew immune to its effects.
When he heard the click of his doorknob opening, he didn't have the energy to be embarrassed about how pathetic he looked. "Who is it?" He muttered.
"It's Blaine." Kurt nearly smiled, but didn't turn, leaving Blaine to feel rejected. "Sorry, I shouldn't have come up, I'll, uh, give you some time alone, I guess."
After swiping under his eyes in a useless attempt to look presentable, Kurt twisted to face Blaine. Voice hoarse from crying, he struggled through his words. "No, I need—I mean..." Kurt trailed off. "Please stay with me."
Blaine nodded and moved to sit beside Kurt, both their backs against his bed. They sat hip to hip, and Blaine gently wrapped his arms around the crying boy's waist and let Kurt lay on his chest. Kurt closed his eyes, but the tears slowed as he let Blaine's constant heartbeat calm him.
Although his peers often saw him as untouchable, Kurt found that little could affect him so much as personal contact. Holding hands, a hug, a kiss, and even simple caressing fingertips could dramatically affect Kurt's mood, and although Blaine's presence couldn't erase his pain, it did give Kurt the courage to whisper into the silence.
"Do I sound like a kid for saying that I just want her to hold me again?"
One arm moved from around Kurt's waist as Blaine began to slowly run his fingers through Kurt's hair, letting him release a long sigh. "Kurt, it's not childish to want to be with your mom, and you shouldn't be ashamed that you love her."
Kurt pulled away and sat up to face Blaine before speaking. "I guess I just always thought that she was with me. I mean, Dad and I always talk about her being in our hearts, and I thought I could do that. I thought that I could keep her with me. It was actually easy back when it was just my dad and I." He looked at Blaine, and he thought about how what he was saying could break the boy's heart, but he didn't stop. "I had room for her. But then Dad and Carole got serious and suddenly we are all family and I love Carole and Finn, I really do, and I was fine with them because there was still room. I could fit them into my life without having to push her aside." Kurt paused, and stared at Blaine. It was clear that they both knew where the story was going. "But then…" a tear slid down Kurt's cheek as he grasped both of Blaine's hands. "I met you.
"And you were amazing, Blaine. You were the first person since her that got me, and you made it so easy to fall in love." Blaine blushed, but couldn't bring himself to smile. "And I got scared. It was so many people that I couldn't disappoint, and I had to make room for all of you and because I love you so much I thought I could do it, that you could fit right in like Carole and Finn and my parents."
Blaine felt his eyes go wet. Love is a treasure, he thought. He felt his heart shatter as he watched Kurt, eyes swollen and teeth chattering, talk about love as if it were some torture he was forced to endure. He loved Kurt with everything he had, and all he wanted to do was be able to take away the pain. "Kurt, I never wanted to do this to you." His voice was shaky.
Kurt eyes widened as he shook his head. "Blaine, you can't blame yourself to this. You have done nothing wrong, and neither has anyone else. I guess I just have an abnormally small heart. Maybe I'm part Grinch."
"Kurt, stop that–"
"No, it's my fault. I know it is. I just can't do it, and I don't know why. I'm forgetting her, Blaine. I can't remember what she felt like, why she was special. All I know is that I want to love her and be able to feel her like I used to, Blaine, and I can't. I was stupid and I put her aside and now all I can think of is how she gave me everything, Blaine, and all I've done is let her legacy die." The room somehow felt both painfully hollow and crushingly full, Kurt's sobs bouncing off the walls. Blaine sat in shock for a moment before responding.
"Kurt, it's not your fault that you can't remember every detail about your mother, and it's not because of me or Carole of Finn. As time passes, you're going to have to face the fact that your memories of her will get blurrier and you will forget things. It's natural. But you are not letting her legacy die. Her legacy doesn't live in the small details about her that, twenty years from now, no one will care about. But no matter how much you do or don't remember won't change the fact that you love her, and your love for her has helped shape who you are in every way. That is where her legacy lies, Kurt." Blaine paused, reaching his hands up to cradle Kurt's glistening cheeks. "Maybe you can't see it in yourself, but you are full of love. You have a heart bigger and stronger than anyone I have ever met, and I didn't know her, but I know that I have her to thank for that."
A sad smile graced Kurt's lips as he let himself become wrapped in Blaine's love. The ache in Kurt's stomach and in his chest was washed away, and he was able to breathe again. Kurt realized then that even if he wanted to, he could never stop giving his heart out to people because there was simply no greater feeling in the world than being loved.
The two boys, perfectly in sync, leaned toward one another and shared a soft kiss, tear-stained lips locking together. It was the perfect embodiment of love itself; it was not about giving or receiving, but sharing this amazing experience that could last as long as they allowed. It was not about kissing, really, it was about two people being close to one another in the most intimate way possible, and it was something that could as real between two boys physically entangled in each other as it was between a boy and a mother who he could never touch again.