October 5th, 2012

Dear mom,

I’m not sure how to tell you this, since I’ve told you he’s trustworthy but.. No, no postponing. Blaine slept with another guy.
I have thought about it, sometimes, and we have even talked about it. In bed late at night, after we’d made love. We really did make love, mom, it wasn’t just sex. Don’t go all ‘you’re just teenagers, you don’t know what love is’ on me. Your Big Hummel did that yesterday, he was trying to think of names for our babies mere weeks ago.
Blaine and I have talked about it, cheating, when we made up after the Chandler debacle. I asked him. I asked him what he’d do if I really had cheated and he said he’d forgive me.
I love you so much, Kurt, I’d learn to live with it.
I honestly think he would have, he did. He really thought of it as cheating, that playful texting, and he forgave me.

Do you think he expects the same of me? Do you think he expects me to forgive him just because he forgave me? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m miserable without him, I want him back and next to me all solid and warm and safe. That’s what I want. But that’s not possible anymore, is it?

I know it’s not. Even if he was here and warm and solid, he wouldn’t feel safe. God, mom, he might not even be safe. We’d have to use protection if I took him back now.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

October 9th, 2012

Dear mom,

Did I tell you we didn’t break up? I waited up for him. I waited up for him that morning just so I could tell him to leave and not contact me until I was ready. I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready, and I’m afraid he is going to wait for forever. I can’t be the one to pull the plug, I don’t want to be. Not when he’s the one who messed it up so bad. Why did he mess it up so bad?

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

November 1st, 2012

Finn told me Blaine is seeking counseling from Ms. Pillsbury. Apparently he’s stopped wearing bow ties altogether. He was always so proud of his bow ties. I didn’t want to know that, I did that to him. I could have just broken up with him when I had the chance and then at least he’d know where he stands. He could move on with that boy of his if I did.

I’m selfish. I made him cheat on me and then I couldn’t let him go. I made him do all this, mom, and I still can’t call him. I want to apologize or text him that I’m sorry too. He texts me that he’s sorry every single day. I was the one who ignored him. I only talked about the loft and the job and New York. I’m not even sure if he won student election yes or no. I’m horrible.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

November 5th, 2012
Mom,

Blaine stopped texting me three days ago.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

November 7th, 2012

I called him. He didn’t pick up.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

December 4th, 2012

I saw Blaine in the school musical when I was home for thanksgiving. He had a minor role, Artie told me he didn’t try out for more. I tried talking to him, but he pushed me away and said he would only hurt me. Ironically, that’s exactly what he did. I’m done.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

December 8th, 2012

I guess Brittany was right, some guys’ lips do taste like dip. I don’t like it.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

January 6th, 2013

Hi mom

I’m sorry, it’s been a while. Work really sucked me up, but the weirdest thing happened today. Sam called me and said get on a plane as quick as you can, we lost Blaine. I’m going to do something to him for that, because he made me believe Blaine was dead. Turns out he’s transferred back to Dalton and needed me to talk some sense into him. I didn’t really want to, seeing he pushed me away the other time, but I did return to Westerville and I found him in a dorm room, alone and in the dark. When I turned on the lights I was shocked. He looked so pale, obviously hadn’t shaved in a few days and his hair was fluffy. He doesn’t even take the gel out his hair when he goes to bed.

I didn’t really know what to do, but he didn’t acknowledge my presence either so I just sat down next to him. I think we sat like that for over five hours, it was over curfew when he finally spoke.

Ms. Pillsbury advised him to seek professional help. He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. How could I have known? How could I not? It never really surfaced until now because he found ways to cope. Boxing for his anger issues, Zero-tolerance school for his anxiety, first the warblers and then me for his fear of being alone.

I held him. I’m not sure if I should have, but he shared with me, finally, he told me something from that giant mind of his and I was so relieved to hear him and be next to him, to have him be real. We haven’t worked it out yet, not by far, but I feel like we’ve set a step in the right direction.

I’m still in Lima, but haven’t seen your Big Hummel yet. Not quite sure what he’s going to think of me using the emergency credit card for a ticket.

Love,
your little Hummel

-

January 20th, 2013

Hi mom,

Blaine turned nineteen today. He’s flying to New York next weekend. We agreed that all we’re going to do is being tourists and talk. No sex, I promise.

If I have to be honest, I’m worried sick about him. We haven’t really Skyped because I’m always at work, but even through the phone he sounds exhausted. His voice is scratchy all the time and I’m not sure what to do. He is visiting a therapist weekly, though, so maybe I’ll have him ask his therapist if there’s anything I can do.

Love,
your little Hummel

-

January 28th, 2013

Dear mom,

Blaine and I were supposed to celebrate his birthday’s this week, but instead we cried and kissed and held each other. Rachel picked this weekend to visit her dads and I couldn’t be more thankful. We made use of every space in the loft. Is it weird that I don’t find it weird telling you this? Sorry if you find it weird. I know I promised no sex, but just hear me out.
We worked it out as far as we could. Of course, we still have to wait and see if things actually work out, but we’ve got time.

Blaine has real serious and unresolved issues regarding the Sadie Hawkins attack. This boy, Eli, he was the boy who was there with him. They’d been talking for a while, I didn’t even know how much this attack affected him, mom. They shared that experience and, for Eli, this connection meant wanting to share something more. Blaine didn’t stop him. It hurts me to think of it, but I’ve decided I can live with it. Blaine told me he bottles thing up, and then he told me that he had felt neglected by me ever since I left. He was right, too. I only ever talked about myself and never asked him what he was doing. That was wrong. He didn’t tell me what was bothering him and went to find comfort in someone else instead. That was wrong.

We were both wrong, but we know now where and how. We made an agreement, before we decided to be together again properly. We have phone dates set every night, no matter how late. We try to schedule it before eleven. If I don’t make it, I’m allowed to wake him when I get home. We Skype as often as we can and we fly out at least once every month. So that means, each of us. We’ll see each other bi-weekly. Big Hummel told me I’m allowed to use his credit card for that.

We agreed to immediately say when something is bothering us, and to immediately ask if we feel the other is irked.

Of course, only time can tell if it will work, but I am confident. I love him so much, mom, he’s it.

Love,
your Little Hummel

-

May 23th, 2014

Dear Mom,

Don’t worry please. I know I usually only write when I am miserable and upset, but there is something important I want to tell you.

Love,
your (not so) Little Hummel-Anderson