Blaine’s never prepared – even for the inevitable.

He knew the day would come when Roxy would have to be retired and he would need a new guide dog.  The first day he met with the trainer when he was fourteen, it was explained that guide dogs are temporary and they can only be a support for so long.  They don’t say that the dog will become a best friend and confidante when the world feels like a lonely and scary place.

The transition was difficult.  Blaine had put it off as long as he could, using graduation and finding a job and settling into their new apartment as delaying tactics.

When he met his new dog – Daisy – he didn’t feel the instant bond that he had with Roxy.  The trainer said that was to be expected, but it hardly made him feel any more at ease.

It took longer to get to know her movements; too much time spent focusing on how she was different from Roxy.  His reluctance only increased when he would get a lap full of dog in the evening, licking and snuggling until Blaine no longer smelled like a strange dog.

Things finally clicked during his fourth training session when he silently berated himself and actually fully opened himself to the idea of this new dog.  He called her name, gave her a command, and she executed it perfectly.

It was never a question if they would keep Roxy as a pet.  She was family.  So when Blaine brought Daisy home for the first time, it was awkward.  Roxy sniffed and kept her distance; Daisy bounced around letting the little bit of puppy left in her take over without her harness on.

When Daisy nudged her brand new chew toy up to Roxy and slowly backed away, Kurt sidled up next to Blaine and spoke quietly as he watched them.  Roxy chewed on it for a few minutes and then carried it back over to Daisy.  An epic tug of war battle ensued, tails wagging and both dogs happy.

Blaine let out a sigh of relief.

The next day when they were getting ready to go to the park, Roxy refused to leave the apartment with just a leash and whined until Kurt put her harness on.  Blaine walked ahead of them with Daisy, trying to stay calm even though he could hear Kurt offering encouragement to Roxy.

He wasn’t sure how to explain to a dog that’s led him for eight years that she wasn’t needed anymore.  The trainers said to be consistent – get her used to going out with Kurt walking her alongside Blaine and Daisy.   He knew she didn’t understand, but she never whined or barked or stepped out of line with her harness on.  Kurt said Roxy just watched the new pair closely, staying close and still looking out for Blaine.

Roxy still hogged his lap in the evenings and Blaine didn’t have the heart to push her away.

***

It didn’t take nearly as long as he thought it would for the two girls to become the best of friends.  Roxy was still the one obviously in charge and Daisy followed her around the apartment without question.

Kurt had started working as an assistant costume designer for a new off-Broadway musical that was already getting a lot of buzz.  Blaine had taken a position providing music therapy as part of a treatment team to children with autism.  Their schedules didn’t exactly match up and they both usually ended the day exhausted.  Time passes quickly with busy lives.

So when the next inevitable event arose, Blaine chose denial.

He sits on the floor with his back against the couch when Roxy lies at his feet.  She could jump up if she wanted to, she’s just being ornery.

She’s also eating less, but they’d changed dog food not that long ago and she’s kind of a picky eater.

She gets short of breath a lot quicker now, but she does have a much younger dog to keep up with.

He tells himself it’s nothing.  She’s due for her yearly shots next month anyway.  Work has slowed down for him, so when he bumps up the vet appointment it’s merely out of convenience.  He doesn’t tell Kurt about it because there’s nothing to tell.

It’s not until the doctor stops joking and says they may need to keep Roxy overnight that Blaine realizes it’s not nothing.  The doctor says she wants to run tests to rule out several possibilities that could be causing the symptoms that Blaine brushed off.  She says it still could be nothing, but Blaine can hear it in her voice.  He’s spent the majority of his life picking up on what people don’t say.

He takes the long way home with Daisy and purposely avoids Kurt’s phone call.  That night he doesn’t have to say anything.  Only one dog greeting Kurt at the door and Blaine curled on the couch in a silent apartment are enough to key Kurt in.  Blaine glosses over the details, telling Kurt it’s probably nothing.

Kurt doesn’t push, just holds him a little closer that night.

In the morning, they both wait awkwardly for the call and then almost miss it because they let it ring so long.  Good news is shared over the phone, bad news is delivered in person.  The doctor asks them to come in.

The walk seems so much longer than Blaine remembers. 

He knows it’s bad the second the doctor opens her mouth.  The more she talks, Blaine realizes it’s even worse than he thought.  He blames himself for not bringing her in sooner and takes no consolation when the doctor explains it wouldn’t have made a difference.  Blaine should’ve known.  Somehow he just should’ve known.

He tunes out when she talks about Roxy, how aggressive this particular cancer is, and their options.  Blaine wants to do whatever they can to make her better – surgery, chemotherapy.  Cost doesn’t matter as long as she’s okay.  Kurt is the one to ask about the other options… to ask if the invasive procedures are worth it… to ask the doctor honestly what she would do in their position.

She talks to them with such patience and empathy in her voice and this somehow irritates Blaine, but he stays quiet and listens.  The treatment options can extend Roxy’s life, but the recovery from the surgery will be extensive and even in the best case scenario they would only get a few more months with her.

He wants to cry when Kurt squeezes his hand and says it’s Blaine’s decision to make.  The clock ticks the seconds away in the background and Blaine expects the doctor to excuse herself any minute.  Surely she has other appointments.  But she stays, offers to answer any questions.

He asks about what Roxy’s likely feeling now and how soon they have to make their decision.  This isn’t something they can sleep on for a week and he doesn’t want to prolong her pain.

He can’t even get the whole sentence out before a sob escapes.  Kurt hugs him and the doctor understands.  They need a little time outside of this sterile place to say their goodbyes.  The doctor excuses herself to fetch Roxy and get the necessary paperwork.  Kurt will handle all of that.

Roxy greets him with a lick to the face and Blaine feels like he’s let her down. 

***

They spend the day at the park.  The dogs play fetch until Roxy’s out of breath and then they just lay in the sunshine, Blaine’s hand never leaving her.

That night, they make an exception and let the dogs sleep in the bed.  Kurt has to help Roxy up, but then she curls up to Blaine’s feet like it’s the most comfortable place in the world.

Blaine doesn’t cry and he doesn’t sleep.  He dreads the morning.

***

It’s fitting that they wake to a gloomy day.  Blaine wonders if he’s making the right decision.  Everything seems so sudden and he knows the doctor says Roxy is in pain, but he can’t imagine waking up without her in his life tomorrow.

Blaine can’t eat, but breakfast for the dogs consists of extra treats and leftover roasted chicken that he knows Kurt won’t mind him giving them.  He calls into work and hears Kurt do the same.  This is a day just for them.

He curls on the couch, both dogs snuggled up to him in far too small a space.  Kurt doesn’t rush him and part of Blaine just wants to put it off another day.  The movement of Roxy’s chest as she takes shallow breaths is enough to get him moving.  He never wanted anything bad to happen to her and he won’t let her suffer.

When they get both dogs harnessed up, Blaine asks Kurt to take Daisy.  Kurt takes the harness wordlessly as Blaine calls Roxy over.

The grip feels different in Blaine’s hand, heavier.  Roxy leans against him and he whispers ‘come on girl’ one last time as they leave the apartment.

This time, they take a different route to the vet’s office, a way that Blaine knows has more streets to cross and obstacles to maneuver.  Roxy never falters, leading him confidently like always.  They get a little lost, but Kurt eventually gets them going back in the right direction.  It seems like they reach their destination far sooner than Blaine expected.  Kurt offers to take another lap around the block, but Blaine can hear Roxy’s labored breathing and he shakes his head.

They’re taken back to a room and thankfully Kurt has taken care of the paperwork and details because Blaine feels like he’s just barely keeping it together.

The doctor explains what to expect and gives Roxy a mild sedative as she lies on her favorite blanket that Kurt thought to bring.  Daisy lets out a little whine and nudges Blaine’s leg.  He rests one hand on her head and pets long strokes down Roxy’s body with the other.

Kurt moves in close, whispering his goodbye to Roxy, and kisses Blaine’s temple saying they’ll be right outside.  The sadness is obvious in Kurt’s voice and Blaine knows he’s crying, but still trying to pretend he’s not.

Blaine can’t stop the tears now, so he just nods, still petting Roxy with gentle hands.  He knows the doctor is waiting for the word to go ahead.  It will take less than a minute once she gives Roxy the shot and he just needs a few moments with her.

He scratches her favorite place behind the ear and presses his face close to hide his tears in her fur.  He tells her what a good girl she’s been and that nobody could have asked for a better dog or friend.  She licks his hand lightly, not enough energy to lift her head.

Blaine tells the doctor it’s okay, keeping one hand on her side and the other gently petting her head.

He whispers that he loves her, that he’ll miss her, his tears soaking into her fur.  He tells her not worry, this won’t hurt, it’s okay to just go to sleep.

The door clicks shut as the doctor leaves and Blaine can feel the rise and fall of Roxy’s breathing as it slows.  Within seconds, there’s no movement at all and Blaine hugs her closer, sobbing.

He tells himself she’s no longer in pain, but he can’t let go just yet.  It takes a long time before he pulls away.  By the time he reaches for the door, the tears have stopped.

Kurt’s hand finds his immediately, placing Daisy’s harness in the other.  She pulls on the harness a little, turning back towards the now closed door of the exam room.  Kurt squeezes his hand and calls Daisy, getting them both moving forward.

The sounds of the city fill the silence as they walk home.  Kurt busies himself around the apartment while Blaine tries to distract himself with a movie.  He listens as Daisy moves restlessly back and forth and then goes suddenly still.

He doesn’t want to talk, but he asks if Daisy is okay.  Kurt sniffs and sits down close to Blaine on the couch.  Daisy has taken all of her toys and placed them in Roxy’s bed.  She waits silently at the door for her friend that won’t be coming home.

This isn’t just a loss for Blaine.

When they go to bed that night, Kurt holds him and they cry together.