Kurt was on a high throughout February and well into the beginning of March when his Spring Break arrived. Blaine was planning on heading out for another visit the first weekend of Kurt's break, this time a trip paid for by Kurt to keep expenses even, and they were both overly excited at the prospect. They had been apart for three weeks, and while there'd been difficult days and several arguments and fights because of communication and figuring out how to make everything work, Kurt felt better about their relationship overall. They were being honest, even when the words hurt, and to him that said a lot about how far they'd come since September.

The elation he had over his reunion with Blaine didn't seem to deflate or burst, no matter how much drama he was dragged into through work or by Rachel and Santana. There was quite a lot of it, too, on the roommate side of the equation, and Kurt was seriously hoping that by June, Blaine moved in with him and one of the girls moved out. Rachel was constantly debating out loud whether or not she should tell Brody she was in love with him while being her usual obnoxiously overdramatic self and Santana had started a new job at a bar in the city as a bouncer, working evenings and late into the night. It wouldn't have been a problem, except more often than not she brought some part of her work home with her, usually in the form an attractive female with the taint of liquor on her breath. While these encounters were much quieter than the first few weeks had been, easily deafened by Kurt's earplugs and the distance of his bed from hers, there was the occasional screamer that made Rachel flare up and start bellowing at three in the morning because she had class at eight.

It was on nights like that when Kurt called Blaine and they debated the pros and cons of the two women and which one they wanted to room with them next year. Blaine was solidly in the Santana camp, much to Kurt's surprise, but part of that he knew was because Blaine was convinced Rachel and Brody would be living together by that point. Despite thinking that Rachel was too high maintenance for Brody, when Kurt saw them together he had to agree. Brody was a decent guy, polite and caring, but still willing to argue with Rachel when she was in one of her moods. He was much more on Rachel's life track than Finn was, since Finn was quite content in Lima right now, running Glee Club and starting classes at the local community college to become a teacher. The career decision had surprised Kurt, but the more he heard from Blaine about Finn as Mr. Schuester's temporary replacement, the more he understood his step-brother had finally found his niche.

Blaine's first visit since Valentine's Day arrived and ended up being odder than Kurt had expected. Over the three weeks between seeing each other Kurt had thought a lot, namely about their sex life and the functioning of it. That first reunited visit neither of them had voiced the idea of switching, in fact they'd only had sex twice, which by their old standards wasn't a lot, and each instance had involved tear-stained cheeks and breathless promises. As the days passed, Kurt kept imagining it, wanting to feel Blaine tight and hot around himself, arching up and whining high in his throat. It was a reaction he'd always loved, but now, after everything, it scared him.

There was the frightening possibility that somehow it wouldn't feel the same as it had before, that with all that had changed, Blaine's reactions and enjoyment of the experience would have to. Someone else had been where only Kurt and Blaine had, and the idea that Eli had in some way been better and more fulfilling that himself was too much to handle. Blaine, usually begging and wanting for Kurt to fuck him, had been silent about it, and Kurt desperately hoped it was because he was being patient with him and waiting until Kurt thought he was ready to make that move.

After three weeks of pondering the change, the barrier that still defined their sex life, Kurt thought he was ready to start tentatively toeing that line. Reminders of how much Blaine had loathed himself and regretted that hour spent with another was a nice confidence boost, and Kurt knew, without any doubts, that it had been a meaningless fling that held nothing on the love they shared together. But when Blaine arrived at the loft and Kurt tugged him down onto the couch, the fear lingered, and as soon as he found the courage to grope Blaine's ass, his boyfriend grew tense and silent against him, and then firmly dragged Kurt's hands to his hips.

The entire weekend was like that whenever Kurt let one of his hands stray there and it was hard to swallow the lump it made form in his throat. Blaine didn't seem to want that anymore, was uncomfortable with just a brush of Kurt's fingers, and it hurt. Kurt didn't think it was intentional, because when he stopped and thought about it, Blaine must certainly have his own reservations about exploring that area of their sex life since he was haunted by his own reminders of him.

It still weighed heavily on Kurt's mind, daunting and terrifying because that had always been a large part of their sex life, and if that was something Blaine never wanted to do again, Kurt wasn't sure how they were going to move forward. As much as he loved to bottom himself, he definitely preferred switching things around, and his ass had always gotten sore more easily than Blaine's.

But Kurt didn't bring it up. He knew Blaine had been working so hard on being happy with himself, with finding a way to forgive himself without anyone's help, and he didn't want to overstep that. It was a physical barrier for them, and to him, the solution would come through that, with slow, easy steps that brought them closer and closer to what they'd once had, instead of conversations about what ifs.

They ended the visit with a nice night in and dinner with Santana, Brody, and Rachel. It was a good introduction to how life could be for them in another few months, and this time when Blaine left, a handful of his shirts were hung up on what Kurt had christened as his side of their wardrobe.

But as the weeks passed, and Kurt grew busy with his classes, work, and juggling his roommates antics, the urge to have Blaine under him grew exponentially. It was a thought he couldn't erase from his mind, because in the most possessive corner of his heart, Blaine was his; every sinewy inch of slightly tan skin, every trembling muscle, and every stuttering, desperate breath. Without that as a part of their sex life, Kurt felt useless, unnecessary. Blaine pleased him over and over, and he felt like he couldn't do the same anymore when he compared how much Blaine had enjoyed those moments underneath him.

The end of March arrived with a huge drop in temperature, chilly air, and another visit from Blaine during his own Spring Break. Kurt was thrilled by the unexpected visit, because Blaine had thought he'd be too busy with final projects, Regionals preparations, and coordinating prom, but somehow he'd managed to fit in five long, blissful days in New York. As soon as he'd heard the good news, Kurt had put in to have as many of those days off as possible, giving Isabelle a truthful explanation, and he was quite glad to see how happy she was to find Kurt and Blaine reunited.

Blaine, now quite comfortable with the subway journey to Bushwick from the train station, elected to make his way there separately so Kurt didn't have to miss his classes on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, Kurt barely paid attention at all, staring dazedly at the different styles and cuts from the 1950s the professor was displaying up front, and thinking longing of having Blaine's ass pressed against his hipbones, cock hard and throbbing in the tight heat of the other man's body.

By ten to four, Kurt gave up, especially after he groaned aloud in the middle of class. He quietly stepped out under the guise of using the restroom and instead rushed to the subway station, and then to his apartment, knowing Blaine was waiting for him, perhaps napping from his long journey or lounging on the couch.

Once Kurt was inside, he found it empty, and it wasn't until he shuffled back to his room, throwing his jacket and bag onto the bed, that he heard the shower cut off and the unmistakable singing murmur of Blaine's voice. Jeans tight over the swell of his cock, Kurt kicked his boots off, and stumbled towards the bathroom, opening the door without so much as a knock.

Blaine yelped in alarm, still standing naked in the stall with a towel in hand.

"K- Kurt! I– just give me a min– "

Another yelped, this time muffled, escaped Blaine as Kurt surged forward and pressed him into the damp wall of the shower stall. Kurt groaned, not caring that the moisture in the room could potentially ruin his shirt, because Blaine was already naked and so much easier to fuck now.

"Need you," Kurt panted, pulling back and yanking Blaine out of the shower and towards his room. As they passed through the curtains, one getting caught on Blaine's damp skin, Kurt popped his jeans open and eyed the bottle of lube now permanently situated on his night-stand. It was still strange for him not to have to hide it in there or a clothing drawer, but there was no chance of his father walking in and seeing it here.

Kurt backed Blaine up towards the bed, working his shirt off as his tongue and mouth worked over Blaine's neck and collarbone. He'd missed this heady feeling, the absolute rush of desperate need that they hadn't experienced since their reunion. Everything had been more subdued, calmer, gentler, all tentative brushes as they explored each other again and took in the new wonders that six months apart had brought. Right now he wanted it fast and hot, with Blaine panting and arched beneath himself, working his ass back onto his cock and–

"Shit, I want to fuck you so bad," Kurt breathed as they toppled onto the bed, Blaine whining faintly as Kurt pressed him down. A loud moan greeted his words, and Kurt, emboldened, tangled his fingers into Blaine's curls and turned his head to the left so that he could lick the beads of water off of his skin.

"Kurt– fuck– don't stop," Blaine requested his hands pushed at Kurt's jeans, shoving them down his hips until his cock fell, heavy and throbbing against Blaine's hips and his hardening cock. "I missed you."

"I can feel how much you missed me," Kurt said, smiling against Blaine's collarbone as he reached for the bottle of lube. "God, you taste good."

"Like soap, you mean," Blaine said, sighing as Kurt's lips drifted down his body, tongue dipping and swirling over the beads of water.

Kurt popped the bottle open, feeling Blaine's body shift and his muscles flutter underneath himself as he dabbed a little onto his fingers and warmed it. But as Kurt reached Blaine's hips, and the sharply defined muscles that narrowed down to Blaine's cock, his hands followed suit and Blaine flinched as they caressed his ass and a slick finger pressed in towards his hole.

"Blaine?"

But Blaine was frozen beneath him as Kurt pulled back, eyes wide and unmoving.

Kurt pulled his hand back, panic and guilt surging through him. He'd been too caught up in the moment to remember how Blaine had been reacting to that, and while he hadn't even thought about the implications of it now, Blaine definitely remembered.

"Sweetheart, are you– "

With a jerk, Blaine rolled out from under him, face pale and eyes dark with panic and loathing. Before Kurt could catch his arm, Blaine was racing through the half-open curtains. The bathroom door slammed shut a second later as Kurt hurried after him.

Blaine had thought he was over it. He had truly, completely thought he was past his infidelity and the way it had affected him. But as he dropped to his knees in the bathroom, curved over the toilet bowl and retching, it hit him like a fist in the face that he wasn't even close.

Stomach heaving up his lunch from the train, Blaine shivered and hugged the toilet bowl as snot clogged his nostrils and his eyes burn. He'd been ignoring the signs for weeks now, had shoved them aside and told himself that once they reached that point, his fears wouldn't amount to anything, that he'd be perfectly fine being touched that way again, but it only reminded him of the last person to touch him there and how much he hated himself for it.

At first he'd been fine because Kurt had seemed to want to reclaim that aspect of their sex life, but as soon as he stepped over that line, the nightmares started up again. Hands were always roaming over his body, and someone else was inside of him, and when he finally turned his face out of the mattress to breathe, Kurt was standing beside the bed, watching and sneering down at him. That was usually when he woke up now, because the first time it had continued with crude words and insults thrown his way from the man he loved more than anything. The idea that somewhere in the back of Kurt's mind he actually thought those terrible things made Blaine feel filthy and sick.

"Blaine? Baby, are– "

A hand pressed gently against Blaine's upper back, softly rubbing over his spine as he retched again. Blaine still flinched at the touch, at all the fear curled in his stomach and trying to climb its way out into the open.

"Shh, it's okay, sweetheart," Kurt soothed, continuing to rub circles into his back and brushing his hair off his forehead.

As his stomach loosened again, Blaine shook his head miserably, denying Kurt's words. It was no use. He couldn't handle this on his own like he'd wanted. Kurt had to be told and the truth of how sick with guilt he was could potential ruin them all over again.

"N- No, it's n- n- not," Blaine rasped shakily, tears stinging his eyes. He dropped his forehead onto the porcelain toilet seat and shivered as Kurt continued to rub his back.

"Blaine, it– people get sick, it's n– "

The words died in his throat as Blaine shook his head more forcefully. He could tell just from the tone of Kurt's voice that he knew so much more was going on than a random stomach flu. Blaine heard the faucet cut on and the sloshing of a washcloth in the sink. A few seconds later, the warm cloth was rubbed over his neck and then Kurt eased him back and started wiping his face off.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm such a fucking wreck," Blaine babbled, voice scratching and trembling as more tears ran down his face.

"Hey, no," Kurt said suddenly, sharply. He slid in behind Blaine and held him against his chest, rubbing over his stomach, still fluttering painfully. "No more apologies. You already said those and I accepted and forgave them. Now it's your turn."

"Kurt– you shouldn't have to deal with this," Blaine snapped in frustration, feeling even guiltier because of Kurt's kindness. "You d- deserve so much better than some stupid kid who can't get over his own guilt and you shouldn't have to comfort me for cheating on you–"

"You are not the same boy, Blaine Anderson, and there is nothing wrong with you needing me right now," Kurt cut in sternly. "You have been so strong for yourself and for me, and… god, I'm so used to you needing me so much and I get that you can handle yourself better now, but everyone needs somebody else at some point. Needing me now doesn't make you that same boy, Blaine. You are absolutely still allowed this," Kurt murmured, hugging him tighter. "You can't be strong all the time, just as I can't."

Blaine was silent as he closed his eyes and relaxed back into Kurt's embrace. He knew he was safe here, and as miserable as he felt, being held by Kurt helped. It always helped. Kurt was right, too. That was part of being in a relationship like theirs. They needed to rely on each other when everything was too much, when his own foundation wasn't strong enough to handle the weight of his problems.

"I– we're still not great at this communication stuff, are we?" Kurt muttered weakly, sliding them along the cool floor until Kurt's back hit the wall.

Blaine laughed humorlessly and took the washcloth to wipe his mouth and eyes. "No, I guess it's going to take some more practice." He shook his head and nuzzled his face into the curve of Kurt's neck. "I just wanted to deal with this on my own. It's my guilt, and it's my problem, and I didn't want to burden you with that when you're the one who was hurt the most from it. It didn't seem fair."

Kurt was silent behind him, hands still rubbing Blaine's belly, but he had grown stiffer and Blaine realized what Kurt was about to ask a second before he spoke.

"Blaine, we promised we were going to be honest with each other from now on and I need you to tell me exactly what's wrong," Kurt said softly. "I think I know, but I want to be sure we're on the same page and– "

"I… I thought I had forgiven myself for what I'd done with Eli and I just… " Blaine shivered and hugged himself as Kurt tightened his grip on him. "I'm not there yet, not with the physical stuff and I just– I don't know how to get there and I keep dreaming about it, only you're there and you hate me– "

"I don't hate you, Blaine, that's something I've realized. No matter what you do, I don't think I could ever hate you without still loving you," Kurt told him, kissing his cheek. "We just have to figure this out together, okay?"

"But this is my problem," Blaine insisted, repeating his earlier words. "I don't want you to have to deal with my guilt about cheating on you– "

"But I think that's part of where we're at, Blaine," Kurt said thoughtfully. "We both took our own journeys, yeah. I learned to forgive and realize I had to keep in touch and give you what you needed, even if it was different from what I needed at a distance. And you've grown and figured yourself out so much and that was what you had to do to get to where we are now. But this… Blaine, this is something we have to heal over together. It affects both of us, because it changes how our relationship works."

They were silent as Blaine digested Kurt's interpretation of their situation. There wasn't going to be any easy solution to this problem. It wasn't a simple matter, but a longer journey for them to work through together – another twisting curve on the path Blaine had thought he'd fallen off of.

"I don't even know where to start," Blaine admitted miserably. "It just came out of nowhere as soon as you first touched my ass and I don't know how to get the fear and doubts out of my mind."

Kurt hummed against his cheek and kissed him softly again. "I think the first thing is to decide whether or not we each want to have that part of our relationship back," Kurt decided nervously. "I– god, I do. I can't stop thinking about having you want me like that again. I still love you topping and everything that goes with that, but– I miss it. I want it back in our life."

"So do I," Blaine confessed. "It's why I didn't try to stop you just now. I want it. I want to feel that again and not feel tainted and filthy whenever I think about anyone topping me."

"Come on," Kurt whispered, sitting up a little and urging Blaine to stand. "Let's go lie down and cuddle. I think starting with something simple could help."

"Cuddles, sweet kisses, and body caresses?" Blaine suggested as he stood up and helped Kurt to his feet.

"Just us for the night," Kurt agreed, hugging Blaine close. "We'll get through this. I won't rush you, and whenever you're ready to take another step, I want you to let me know, okay?"

"I will," Blaine replied, brushing his lips over Kurt's neck and squeezing him tightly.

After Blaine brushed his teeth, they slowly made their way back to Kurt's bedroom and laid down together, side by side and facing each other. It made Blaine slightly nervous because they were both still naked, but Kurt was soft against his thigh as they moved in closer to cuddle.

"Just touch and feel," Kurt said against his ear, nipping his earlobe. "Nothing has to happen. It's just us being intimate and close without the need for sex."

Blaine nodded and let his hands drift, exploring the soft dips of the muscles in Kurt's upper back and the smooth, broad expanse of his shoulders. As his hands caressed Kurt's warm skin, he felt Kurt's hands start to drift lazily, too, not straying down, but lingering over his back and then his sides, around to his chest and belly.

It was serene and calming, like sinking into a foamy, hot bath after a long day of rehearsal and a work out with Sam. He glanced up from Kurt's chin, meeting the other man's gaze and smiling softly. His grin encouraged Kurt, who pressed in a little closer, hands sliding back around as their lips brushed, moving softly and familiarly against each other's.

"Feels nice," Blaine sighed, humming as Kurt nibbled on his lower lip and then trailed kisses over his jaw.

As Kurt sucked on one of Blaine's favorite spots, the curve of his jaw, Blaine arched and gasped, a hot thrill pulsing through him that made him ache to be touched; to have his ass kneaded and caressed like he had always enjoyed.

"K- Kurt– "

"Shh, I know," Kurt murmured, trailing his kisses back up to Blaine's lips and kissing him lazily.

Their tongues brushed, licking and twisting against each other as Kurt's hands drifted, slowly traveling down Blaine's back until his fingertips brushed over the top of his ass cheeks. Blaine tensed on instinct, waiting for that bright flash of memory and the guilt to course through him, but it didn't. A little shiver of a reminder ran through him, assuring him that the fear and guilt was still there, but in this setting, with the promise of nothing sexual, he was safer from his own horrible thoughts.

He arched back and up into Kurt's hands, sighing in relief as the familiar touch soothed him, sending a hot, happy pulse through his body as Kurt's hands gently took their time, caressing his ass cheeks and then massaging the taut flesh.

Between their bodies, Blaine could feel Kurt's erection nudging against his, thick and aching like his own. Neither of them acknowledged it any further as they kissed and rubbed over the other, slowly drifting down, until their movements were minimal and their lips were no longer moving despite still being pressed together.

"I am so lucky to have you back," Blaine mumbled sleepily as the loft door slid open and Santana's voice rang out, followed by Rachel's.

"Not as lucky as I am," Kurt said, nuzzling closer into the heat of Blaine's embrace.

The girls called out to them once more, but Kurt and Blaine ignored it, tangling together tighter and just breathing each other in. This was simple, easy to melt into and enjoy, because with Eli there had been nothing remotely like this. It had been fast, abrasive, and happening before Blaine's mind could entirely process what he was doing. That was what scared him. He and Kurt had tended to lean towards a faster pace, especially if Kurt was topping, and the idea of the two instances being related and mingling in his mind didn't add up.

Blaine didn't know how to climb over that hurdle and Kurt didn't seem to have a much better idea. But he had reminded Blaine of the difference the two men made in his life and that there was always going to be something meaningful and tangibly real with Kurt. The problem was figuring out why the difference couldn't stay separated in his mind.