Chapter 11

Life back at Hogwarts was scarcely how Kurt remembered it. His first week back felt more like a black hole than a return to classes and homework and Quidditch practices. His friends barely spoke to him, Blaine ignored him, and every time he got near Sebastian or Rachel they both gave him funny looks. Neither of them seemed to know the truth, but they were suspicious of the way hed acted on the train and how miserable hed been ever since.

From what he could tell, Blaine hadnt told anyone the truth yet. Or if he had, his friends had remained silent, which was almost unfathomable for Kurt. If any of his friends had found out, then the entire school would know by breakfast the next morning. Hed be ostracized by not only his own friends, but his entire house and, at the very least, taunted by many of the other students. Yet, it was calm on the rumor front. There was one strange one going around about some first years and a colony of cats, but otherwise it was boring.

Still Kurt felt sick. He hardly ate, he slept roughly if he slept at all, and his homework suffered immediately. By his first weekend back, he had twelve essays hed neglected and nothing he did seemed to get him motivated to write them.

Blaine must hate him. He must loathe him. No matter what Mercedes had said on the train or in Arithmancy this week, Blaine would never want anything to do with him ever again.

"For fucks sake, Hummel, youve been acting like someone died all week," Santana said, throwing down her quill. It was Sunday afternoon, and while they were supposed to be working on homework together, Kurt was moping. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Im fine."

"You arent, you little elf—"

"Ive been taller than you for almost two years."

"Doesnt make your porcelain, pointed face any less elven. Whatever. Just go mope somewhere else. I cant think straight with you sighing every five seconds."

Kurt shut his Potions book and packed it back into his bag. He hadnt even bothered to bring out any parchment for the essays he hadnt started. What did it matter if he had a bunch of zeros this semester?

Before Kurt realized it, he was walking through the entrance hall and upstairs. He climbed and climbed, just wandering aimlessly down the empty corridors. The few people he did see were too busy hurrying around to pay him any attention. And so what if they did?

They didnt know anything, and yet Kurt wished they did. He wished the entire school knew the truth about those letters—his letters—to Blaine. About his cowardice, his shame, and his guilt. He wanted nothing more than to be free of the guilt that still clogged him, but he didnt have any way forward to do that. Blaine refused to go near him, and Kurt didnt blame him.

Kurt paused at the top of the next flight of stairs and looked around. He was in an unfamiliar corridor, somewhere near North Tower perhaps. Hed never taken Divination, but hed heard numerous times that the classroom was up here. In six years, hed never wander up to see this part of the castle. Hed never cared to.

"Who dares to trespass on Sir Cadogans lands? Stand and fight, you rogue!"

Kurt jumped at the voice from his left. A little knight was waving his arms from a painting. It was a hilly landscape with a fat gray pony grazing in the background. As the knight tugged at his sword, he unsheathed it and the weight of it pulled him over.

"Sorry. Ill just go…"

"Fight, I say! You scurvy rogue! You brazen—"

"Hi, Kurt! Oh, hey, Caddy!"

"Ah, Lady Brittany, we meet again. Another quest today for our fair lady Tubbington?"

The little knight hopped to his feet, his sword forgotten on the ground. Brittany smiled at him and shook her head.

"No, maybe tomorrow. I was just looking for my bubblegum, but I cant find it in any of my classes."

"Bubblegum?" Kurt said, as Brittany hooked her arm through his and led him along the corridor.

"Mhmm, I was chewing it on Friday, and then stuck it somewhere. It was all my favorite flavors."

"Right. Listen, I should get back to… to…"

Brittany shook her head and led him down the corridor and then along another to the right.

"You cant be so sad all the time," Brittany said as they walked. "Its not good for you. Or McQueen. Your face is too narrow to have frowny lines. Wait until the rest of your face sags to start working on those."

"McQueens fine," Kurt said, but truthfully he hadnt been up to the Owlery since theyd returned to Hogwarts a week ago. "Im fine."

"Lord Tubbington doesnt think so, and I say hes right. Hes very good at reading people. Why are you so sad, Kurt? Youre supposed to be a unicorn and shine brightly like the sun."

"I—its a long story."

Could he tell Brittany? Would she keep his secret, and if she didnt, would anyone actually believe her? Probably not. Hardly anyone took Brittanys words for truth, except maybe Santana. Which was another problem, but he needed someone to talk to about this. Someone he could walk around with without rumors spreading or that person shouting out everything he said like Finn would do. And if Brittany did tell Santana…

Well, the entire castle would know then. Maybe that was for the best. It might take away the sick feeling he got every time Blaine looked at him across a classroom.

That or Santana would blackmail him, but for what point or purpose was difficult to say. Of his Slytherin friends, Santana and him got along the best, but that didnt mean she wouldnt blow this all up as soon as she got wind of it.

"Kurt?"

"So, theres this guy I like…"

Kurt talked for the next twenty minutes, along three more corridors and up a ladder through a trapdoor that led into a stuffy classroom. Kurt took a seat on a big purple pouf in what Brittany said was the Divination room. As Brittany searched for her gum, Kurt talked himself into silence.

"… and I dont know what Im supposed to do. Blaine hasnt spoken to me and—"

"Then go talk to him, silly." Brittany knocked a table over and examined the underside. "Blaines a sweetie, Im sure hell listen."

"I dont think its that simple," Kurt said. He fiddled with the crystal ball on the table and was surprised when Brittany sat down with him. "He actually skipped Care of Magical Creatures this week to avoid me. What?"

"What makes you think he did that because of you? Besides, if you like him, then take the risk. Or do something bold. Boys usually like bold things. Well, boys and Santana."

"What kind of bold?"

"You could serenade him in Potions. Or make him a love potion—"

"I dont think love potions work the way you think they do."

"You mean they dont make everyone love each other forever?"

"Not exactly."

"Oh. Well, you should just be honest with him and willing to not hide anymore. You two are going to be so cute together. I cant think of why anyone would be against you two dating."

"I dont know, Britt."

"Stop being so scared of whatever other people are going to say and just say yes to Blaine. He wont turn you away forever. Hogwarts is just temporary. Ive been told its actually locked within a broken Time Turner and none of this is real."

Kurt snorted as Brittany ducked under the table, but her words echoed his dads. Burt had said something similar, without broken Time Turners and locked realities, but they were both right, werent they? His time at Hogwarts wouldnt last forever. At some point, he had to grow up and leave all of these rivalries and fears behind.

"Ah ha!"

Brittany reappeared with a wad of blue gum that she popped into her mouth. Kurt made a face, but she only laughed.

"Well, are you going to go see him now?"

"Maybe tomorrow. Ive got so many essays to write tonight."

Brittany pulled him to his feet and beamed. "We can write them together! Do you think Professor Sylvester will like mine better if I use a purple crayon this time?"

Another Monday and Blaine was exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally. His friends wouldnt stop bugging him about dealing with Kurt, his homework was an ever growing mountain, and every time he walked down the hall and spotted Kurt his stomach churned. By Thursday, Sam had dragged him to the hospital wing to get a potion for his stomach, and Blaine hadnt bothered to refuse. It meant missing Care of Magical Creatures, and that was the first time he would truly come face to face with Kurt.

Why should seeing Kurt make him feel guilty? So what if Kurt looked as miserable as Blaine felt? He deserved to feel awful and yet…

Blaine missed him. Little moments theyd shared popped into his head every time he closed his eyes. Laughs over hot chocolate as they strolled through Diagon Alley, sweet kisses in the dark movie theater for a movie Blaine couldnt remember, and the gentle conversations of them getting to know each other. The more Blaine remembered of winter break, the more he stitched Kurt together with the mystery boys life from his letters. The letters that hadnt been written by a mystery boy at all.

At dinner that evening, Blaine found himself watching Kurt from his seat at the Hufflepuff table. He was talking a little to someone Blaine didnt know, but he never smiled. His friends werent sitting anywhere near him either. Had he told them the truth?

Somehow, Blaine didnt think so. If Santana Lopez found out something as juicy as this, shed tell every person in the castle.

"Blaine, come on, you need to eat."

Elliott and Sam nudged his elbows with platters of potatoes and roast beef. Reluctantly, Blaine let them fill his plate and watch him eat. Everything was rubbery, tasteless. He swallowed and sighed.

"You cant keep acting like this. Either go talk to him or just forget about him. Ask someone else out," Sam suggested.

Blaine finished eating and left. He was all the way down at the common room entrance before he realized someone was following. Finn Hudson was behind him, and how Blaine hadnt noticed his towering, clomping figure was beyond him.

"Can we talk, man?"

"If this is about Kurt—"

"How could you do that to him? He was so excited to have his first boyfriend."

"And you think I wasnt? And I didnt do anything. Hes the one who was lying. Its his own fault hes miserable."

Blaine turned back to his common room entrance, but with Finn still standing there, he didnt dare speak the password.

"Hows it his fault you broke up with him?"

Finn was furious, but he did a good job of trying to hold it in. His face said it all though. He didnt have a clue what had happened. He probably hadnt even spoken to Kurt, but hed clearly noticed how miserable his brother had been.

"Its his fault he lied and wrote all of those letters and left me standing in Hogsmeade like a moron and if you dont understand that then maybe you should ask him. Please just go away. Im sick of talking about this with everyone."

Finn frowned at him, but blocked the door even though he was starting to look guilty.

"You really had a good reason to break up? Kurts a great guy, and even if hes messed up… dont write him off, okay? Give him another shot. Hes worth it."

Finn walked away after that. Blaine watched him until he was down the corridor and out of sight. He spoke the password to the wooden door and entered the almost empty common room. A few seventh years were scattered around the room, hard at work and taking advantage of the silence while their house was at dinner. Mike Change was among them. Blaine set his bag down on the armchair beside him and groaned.

"If you so much as mention him, Ill stab your eyes out with your captains badge."

Mike glanced at him as Blaine took a seat and dug out his Transfiguration essay and book. Hed caught up a little over the weekend since hed been too miserable to get much done last week, but he was still behind on most of his school work.

"Something else happen?"

The question didnt catch Blaine off guard, but the tone did. Mike sounded nervous. Hed been acting weird all week whenever someone mentioned Kurt around him. Blaine watched him now, from his fingers curling to the corner of his mouth twitching.

"No. Well, Finn Hudson followed me down here, but… are you okay? Youve been acting weird ever since I told you guys that Kurt and I were… well, I dont know what we were honestly."

"I thought you didnt want to talk about him right now." Mike went back to his essay, but his hand shook as he wrote. He blotted the parchment several times and winced.

Something was definitely wrong. Blaine had known Mike long enough to know when he was hiding something. When Blaine didnt start working on his essays, too, Mike paused and glanced up at him.

"You going to tell me whats going on or are you going to pull a Kurt and start lying to me, too?"

Mike swallowed and set his quill down.

Blaine set his down too. He hadnt even loaded it with ink yet, but Mikes expression made him think he wouldnt be getting any work done tonight either.

"What?"

"I knew it was Kurt. Not at first," Mike rushed to add as Blaines expression turned sour, "but after Hogsmeade, I was in the Owlery and he came rushing in to send you that next letter and he was talking to his owl…"

"You knew?"

The words made Blaine feel hollow. Was everyone he trusted lying to him? Kurt was one thing. Theyd barely known each other, even through letters, but Mike…

"You said you werent going to write him anymore, and it wasnt my place to tell his secret. I figured it wouldnt matter since you were done writing him. I didnt realize the boy you were studying with before Christmas was Kurt. Im sorry. I should have said something."

"No, youre… I dont know that I would have believed you if you had. Kurts always been so nice, especially compared to his friends. Even in his letters he was nice."

"He seemed really mad at himself for leaving you there. And worried about what youd think," Mike said. "He does care about you, even if hes been stupid."

Blaine sighed and sat back in his chair. That was the one truth he kept coming back to every time he talked himself in circles about all of this. Kurt did care about him. He couldnt, and wouldnt, deny that. Hed put himself at risk to write to him, to meet him in Hogsmeade, even if hed hidden. Even if it was selfish in hindsight, but the letters…

Theyd been so sweet, but now, they seemed timid in a way. What had Kurts expectations truly been by writing those letters? To get to know him, perhaps, but never to truly spend time with him. Yet at the same time, hed began to speak to Blaine in class, to spend time with him.

A confidence boost maybe?

Blaines head ached from trying to sort it out. The only way hed ever get any answers was by talking to Kurt. He hadnt been able to bring himself to do that yet. Both because he was still angry at him, but also because he was hurt too. And, even if he didnt want to admit it half the time, he worried what would happen if someone spotted him and Kurt talking alone. Kurt had done so much to protect himself from the wrath of his house, and at so much cost, and it made Blaine furious. Not that Kurt had tried to protect himself, but that he still cared enough to worry about Kurt in that way.

He didnt want Kurt to lose his friends. Or his Quidditch spot or have to deal with being ridiculed in the place that was supposed to be his home here at Hogwarts.

Mostly, it was the double life of it that made Blaine mad. One simple letter saying who he was, and explaining why would have been enough. Surely Kurt could have trusted him enough for that.

"Blaine?"

"Huh? Sorry."

"You zoned out there. Are you mad at me? Its fine if you are. Id be mad at me."

Mike dipped his quill in ink and watched him. And Blaine couldnt be mad at him, not really. He couldnt stay mad at Kurt either, because he got it. Even now, he still wanted to hold Kurts hand and kiss his cheek and to sit down and have dinner together, regardless of what anyone else said or did to them.

Kurt was worth that to him, but he didnt think the same was true for how Kurt felt about him.