June 2, 2012, 10:55 a.m.
Bittersweet Memories: Chapter 11
T - Words: 3,215 - Last Updated: Jun 02, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 29/29 - Created: Apr 03, 2012 - Updated: Jun 02, 2012 2,174 0 3 0 0
The door clattered closed behind Blaine as he tripped over the threshold. Kurt had just– and he was– but they weren't... He didn't know what to think. His once best friend, the boy he would have done anything and given anything for, had just kissed him on the cheek. It had been fleeting, no more than a brush of soft lips over his cheek and a slightly painful bump of a jaw against his, but it had happened. Kurt still cared, in one way or another, and all that did was confuse Blaine more.
Even right after he'd suggested transferring to Dalton he'd been hesitant of the idea. Sure, Cooper had loved it there and always talked it up to him, but what if he was just as much of a loser there as he was at McKinley? What if things were even worse? Now he was adding Kurt into his pros and cons list. If he left then he might never know if his Kurt could exist again. There was no way he could know which decision he might regret more.
Head still spinning from what had just happened in the car, Blaine shuffled off to his room to put his things away. He spent the rest of the day attempting to do homework while really thinking about what Kurt had meant with that little cheek kiss. A long time ago Kurt had pecked him on the cheek every now and then as a friendly gesture, but they weren't friends anymore. None of it made sense to him, and while he wanted to dial the Hummel's house number and demand an answer he couldn't bring himself to do it. The answer he got might be worse than any he could think up, and even if Kurt meant anything romantic by it Blaine shouldn't care. He couldn't let Kurt in like that again. He didn't have another heart to let Kurt break.
After a restless night, and a late breakfast Blaine still had no answers, but thankfully he was distracted by the arrival of his parents around noon.
"Blaine! Cooper! We're home!"
Blaine perked up immediately at the sound of his mother's excited voice. He was still going to have to explain Cooper's absence, but that wouldn't be too difficult. He headed downstairs swiftly, finding his parents in the hall, helping each other take off their scarves and coats.
"Sweetheart," his mother greeted at once, rushing over and squeezing him tightly. "Oh, I've missed you. Did you and Cooper have a good holiday together? He's not still sleeping, is he?"
"No, he's not here," Blaine told her, letting her fawn over his appearance as his father stepped over. Her face fell instantly at his words, though, and he quickly rushed on before she got too upset. "He had to head back to L.A. to work on his commercial. Duty calls, right?"
"Oh, of course, that boy thinks being on television is everything," she huffed, rolling her eyes and brushing another curl off Blaine's forehead. "At least one of you is modest."
Blaine smiled slightly at her words, and let her pass by with her bag. He and his father watched her disappear upstairs before James turned to his son.
"He never came out to visit," Blaine's father stated simply.
"I– "
"I know when you're lying, Blaine," his father said sternly. He frowned at Blaine. "Why didn't you call? We could have come back early or found someone for you to stay with."
"I did that myself," Blaine snapped, and immediately he regretted his tone. His father never took kindly to being disrespected. "I stayed with the Hummels."
"You... I didn't think you and Kurt hung around each other anymore," his father said carefully. "Lyra said she hasn't seen him around in a long time."
"We... don't. Aren't. It's... complicated," Blaine decided, turning his gaze away from his dad and scratching the back of his neck. He couldn't freely admit to once being in love with his best friend only to have his heart shattered and then stomped on by a parade of slushie-wielding Kurt's for two years. James would think he was even weaker than he already thought, and he'd only be more disappointed in Blaine.
"Huh," was all his father said in response. Blaine tried to hide his grimace at how awkward this was, had always been really. Ever since he'd come out and destroyed his father's last hope that Blaine was straight there'd been even more of a rift between them. "I spoke with Dalton while we were away."
"G- good news?" Blaine asked, trying to sound hopefully and ecstatic. He could tell by his father's expression that he hadn't pulled off the winning smile, but for some reason James let it pass.
"They'll accept you as a transfer, although there are no single rooms available, which might be an... issue," James said delicately.
Internally Blaine fumed at his father's words. An issue because he might hit on his roommate and scare him with all of his "gayness". He wasn't a disease or a problem because he liked boys instead of girls. Why couldn't his father just see it that way?
"Why don't we go talk things over in my office?" James offered, nodding towards the little hallway next to the staircase. "There's... there's a lot we really need to talk about."
A sense of dread filled Blaine at his words. He could easily deduce what that meant. A discussion about his sexuality, and he assumed it had everything to do with hiding himself from the other Dalton boys. As he followed his father to his office he was reminded of the last time this had happened. That had been the day he'd come out to his father. He only hoped everything ended on a much more pleasant note.
Blaine barely paid attention to where he was going after school that day. He kept thinking over what he and Kurt had talked about at lunch. As glad as he was for Kurt's new confidence and his decision to come out to Burt, the idea of Blaine telling his own father was daunting. It filled him with terror, and even though he wasn't afraid of himself and was accepting who he was, telling his father wouldn't end well. Both of his paternal grandparents had already shown homophobic tendencies – his father's dad had spent most of Blaine's childhood calling him a "little nancy boy".
He was on his own for his walk home today. Kurt had Cheerios practice after school now, and since it was Monday there was no Glee Club. Twenty minutes later Blaine unlocked his front door and looked around. His mother already knew even though he hadn't said anything. Her assumption had come out while they'd been watching American Idol a few months ago. Instead of asking Blaine which girl he thought was pretty she'd asked him about the boys. It hadn't been a big deal or even a matter of him officially saying it out loud.
But his father was a different story and he knew the decision for when he was told was up to Blaine. If Kurt could be brave and finally tell Burt, there was no reason he couldn't do the same. At least then he would know and everything would be out in the open. There would be no need to hide himself as much as he did. At least that's what he hoped.
In the kitchen he found his mother pulling a tray of fresh cupcakes from the oven.
"Hi, mom," Blaine greeted, feeling uncharacteristically nervous because of his thoughts. "I- is dad still working?"
"He's eating lunch in his office," she answered, taking his bag and smiling kindly at him. "Do you want a snack or anything before dinner?" She waved the tray of cupcakes at him. "How about a few of these once they're iced?"
"Uh, sure," Blaine agreed, distracted by her answer. If Kurt could do this then so could he. He was the one always saying to have courage and to not be afraid. Now Kurt had found his and it was his turn to make good on his own words. "I've got to talk to him," he added quietly. "A- about being gay."
Lyra set the tray of muffins down on the counter and continued to smile, softer and more reserved now, but still full of her usual warmth. She stepped in close and pulled him into a tight hug that Blaine flung himself into.
"It's going to be fine," she assured him. "He might need some time, but James loves you more than anything, Blaine."
"More than Cooper?" Blaine mumbled against her shoulder.
She laughed loudly at his question and swatted him playfully on the arm. "Oh, stop. He loves you both the same," she insisted. Then she lower her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "But I love you more, so if you want to hold that over Cooper's head... "
Blaine grinned a little. "Thanks, Mama. I'm just gonna go... go talk to him."
"Okay, I'll set a few cupcakes aside for you."
Slowly Blaine made his way into the entryway and then down the little hall beside the staircase. The door to his father's office was slightly ajar, and he could hear the clink of silverware and the clicking of a keyboard in use.
Blaine took a moment to steady himself, and he almost turned tail and ran. He stopped himself, though, because Cooper wouldn't approve of the choice. His older brother had always taught him to be brave and strong, and he'd tried to show Kurt the same thing. He couldn't back out and not live by his own words.
He rapped his knuckles against the wood loudly.
"Lyra, what? I said I'm busy– "
Blaine poked his head through the doorway. "Dad, it's me."
"Oh, Blaine, good," his father said, looking up from his lunch and computer. "I needed to talk to you anyway. Come on it, shut the door."
Blaine nodded, feeling his legs shaking slightly as he closed the door behind himself and shuffled over to the other chair in the little room. He sat on the edge of the chair while his father ate a few more bites of his meal and clicked at his computer again.
"So my boss is having another gala," James began and Blaine slumped down instantly at his words. A gala meant Blaine had to be Melanie's, his father's boss's daughter, escort, which meant an evening of hiding anywhere and everywhere. "He asked me if you would like to escort her again."
"Dad– " Blaine started, "I– "
"Now, I know she's kind of annoying– "
"Yes, but– "
"But nobody else has a son her age and– "
"Dad, no, that's not... " Blaine trailed away, panic flooding through his body. God, he must be insane to think this was a good idea. There was no way his father would ever be okay with this or even understand it. He opened his mouth again to try to explain himself, and to lead the conversation towards his real intent, but his father was still persisting with being Melanie's escorts and his next words spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them.
"Please, do this for me, Blaine– "
"I'm gay!"
James froze at his desk, shock taking over his features. Fear tore through Blaine's insides as the next dew seconds passed in silence. This was not how he'd wanted this to go. His father hadn't moved an inch since his outburst and Blaine's heart pounded on, harder and louder until he thought it was punch straight through his ribcage.
He tried again, to speak more calmly and try to make this move forward another step.
"Dad, I... I'm gay," Blaine said more quietly, less certainly as James continued to remain unmoved by his words. "D- dad?"
Blaine prepared himself for his father to move or speak, but most especially to question his words. For over a year he'd slowly talked himself through how this conversation may or may not go, and all the possible questions his father might throw his way.
"Why?" his father's voice rang out, not firm or authoritative, but hollow, almost scared to Blaine's ears.
Of all the questions Blaine had thought up and prepared himself for, why hadn't been one of them. Not when that tone accompanied it, not when there was pain and maybe even heartbreak on his father's face. Blaine clamped his mouth closed, the shaking in his legs progressing up his body until he was trembling.
He didn't have an answer for that, and his father didn't seem to want one. If he did Blaine didn't want to stand there and find out any longer. He bolted from the room before anymore of his father's disappointment could be directed at him.
As Blaine settled down into the second chair in his dad's office he recalled that afternoon. Two and a half years since he'd stepped into this room. For the most part he pretended this part of the house didn't even exist because of the painful memory to brought with it. His father sat on the edge of his desk instead of his chair, and he looked more uncertain than Blaine could ever recall seeing him.
"They were very impressed with your academics," James began evenly. "They have quite an a capella group this year as well. It's the room situation that concerns me."
Blaine flinched at his father's words, but said nothing. He hated that his father thought this way, but at the same time he was concerned about it as well. The boys at Dalton, while from all over Ohio, even the country, could still be homophobic and potentially hostile in a rooming situation.
"Now, there's an anti-discrimination and bullying policy in affect at Dalton that would prevent any... issues, but I'm still concerned– "
"That I might flirt with my roommate?" Blaine snapped before he had even realized he was speaking. Now that he'd said it, and caught his father's attention he found he couldn't stop. "Or what? Hold him down and- and force myself on him?" Blaine crossed his arms angrily, and glared across the room at his father. "I'm gay, Dad, not a rapist."
"What? Blaine, no, that's not– "
"Really? Cause it feels like that's what you're saying," Blaine argued, heat flaring across his face. He couldn't fully explain why he was so defensive. Maybe it was being in this room talking about this once again that was causing it, but he couldn't stand to face his father's views on his sexuality.
"It's not!" James insisted, getting angry himself. "You are my son. I would never– "
"You just insinuated it!" Blaine shouted, jumping to his feet.
"I'm trying to protect you!" James hollered, his voice cracking in the same way Blaine's did. "You think I give a damn about protecting some other kid over you? I'm not going to let you room with some kid who might– who could– "
Blaine was stunned by his father's words, because given the one and only time before now that they'd discussed his sexuality he'd figured his father had seen it as a problem, something potentially volatile to those Blaine was around. The idea that his father wasn't even thinking along those lines was incredible to him.
"You... I don't– you've never... "Blaine trailed away, a mixture of shock and sadness making it too difficult for him to speak. Had he been wrong all this time? Maybe he didn't understand his father as well as he thought.
"Blaine, son," James sighed loudly and sat down on his desk. "I know when you first told me I... well, I didn't react great. You know how my parents can be, and that's the world, the idea, I grew up with. The only thing I knew about homosexuals was that the one I went to high school with got the shit knocked out of him half a dozen times for it."
Blaine fell back down into his chair as his father continued to talk. It was probably the most his father had said to him since he'd turned fourteen, and not only that he'd used profanity, which was something Blaine had never heard him do.
"I don't want – I never want that to happen to you," James said earnestly. "I've... I've looked into things... researched since you told me. It's just difficult, because I still remember that and how helpless I felt when you told me. I thought that was going to be your life.
"It is to a certain extent," James continued. "I can see it, you know. You don't say anything, so I don't, but I know they get you a lot of trouble at school even if it's not for that. I want to protect you from that, from all of it, and I can't and I don't know how and I just do nothing."
James hung his head, covering his eyes with his hand. Blaine watched him, the regret and pain over the silence they'd both kept for so long filling the room.
"You still love me," Blaine reminded him quietly. "That's not nothing."
"Of course I still do. You're my little boy," James murmured, dragging a hand through his hair. "I don't want you to go from one bad situation to another, but I don't want you to do this because it's what you think I want. This choice is yours, and that's why we let you stay at McKinley."
Blaine hugged himself tightly and tentatively met his father's eyes. "I don't know where I want to go," Blaine admitted quietly. "There's so many great things about Dalton, but all of my friends are at McKinley."
"He's why you stayed to begin with," James deduced. He watched Blaine carefully for a moment. "He's always meant a lot to you."
"He used to," Blaine said. "Now we're... " Blaine shrugged. "I don't know anymore."
"You liked him," James commented.
"Of course I did, he was my– "
"No, I mean, you," James cleared his throat awkwardly, "liked him."
"Oh," Blaine's face flushed. "I um, yeah, maybe."
His father bent down before him and gripped his shoulder tightly until Blaine looked up and met his eyes. "This is your decision to make, and no matter what choice you decide on I'll support you. I've already missed too many years by making you think I do the opposite.
"Kurt used to mean the world to you, even I saw that and I didn't want to admit it," James concluded wisely. "If you think it's worth it to stay then you should. You can always transfer in the fall if you change your mind."
Blaine's vision blurred at his father's words, at the acceptance he'd been waiting so long to find with this man. Instead of giving an answer or thanking him, Blaine flung himself into his father's arms. James pulled him in tight, and kissed his forehead.
"You're one of the greatest sons a man could ever ask for. Being gay or bullied isn't going to change how much I love you, Blaine."
Tears were silently coursing down Blaine's face and onto his father's shirt as he clutched him tighter. "I love you, too, Dad."
They stayed like that for a long time, and even when they pulled away and went to find Lyra to go out for lunch, Blaine still felt relief coursing through him. He had a few days to make his final decision, to figure out what was better for him, and if the one thing, the one person, he'd wanted to have around forever was still enough of that boy to give another chance to.
Comments
God im so glad his parents are accepting, i couldn't stand anything else hurting blainers.
Oh, thank you so much for THIS version of Blaine's dad. You made me cry from the joy and relief of it!
THANK YOU for writing a fic where Blaine has an accepting father! Not many of these actually exist! This chapter made me tear up a little :)