Chapter Twelve

When Blaine was eight years old his older brother, Cooper, moved out of the family home and went to follow his dreams of being a Hollywood sensation. Blaine idolised his brother and when he left Blaine felt like a part of him had gone missing too. Cooper had always managed to make the Anderson household seem less tense. He was always larking about, doing some crazy new acting technique. He used to teach Blaine how to be a performer, showing him different dance moves and how to do different accents. Cooper could be tough on him if he didn't get it right but he just loved learning from him. He tried desperately to keep in touch with his older brother but after a year Cooper was harder to get a hold of and Blaine started to try less. It fizzled out until they only sent each other a card on their birthdays and that was as far a communication went.

When Blaine was ten years old he heard a loud noise in the middle of the night. He crept down the stairs, scared of the monsters that could be down there. There was a vase that had been filled with pretty pink flowers, lying on the ground broken. The flowers looked half dead and Blaine felt sad. The flowers had been really pretty. Then Blaine heard his daddy shouting and his mummy cried out. Blaine was so scared. What if they were angry at him? He quickly ran back up the stairs and hid himself under the covers. He sung himself rhymes that Cooper had taught him, trying to get to sleep. The next morning his mummy woke him up extra early. She looked sad. She told him that she'd be going away and that he was to stay with his daddy. His daddy would take care of him. She reassured him that she still loved him very much and that she would be in contact with him soon. He sleepily kissed her goodbye and then went back to sleep. When he woke up she had vanished. He hadn't heard from her since.

Puberty started to take effect when Blaine was thirteen years old. One morning he awoke and his underwear was sticky. He embarrassingly discussed it with his father and he was told that it meant that he was becoming a man. His dad told him that soon he'd be bringing girls home for him to meet and soon they'd be having 'the talk'. Blaine watched as all his friends began to take more and more interest in girls. It seemed to be the only thing they discussed anymore. All the time they talked about how Daisy had grown a nice pair of boobs all of a sudden or that Rebecca had started wearing a thong. Blaine started to notice that he wasn't as interested as the other boys seemed to be. When he looked at girls, sure he could see that they were beautiful but he never paid any particular notice to their boobs like the other boys did. He just shrugged it off. Who cared that Blaine wasn't interested.

As the summer approached it meant that swimming lessons began at school. That was the first time he had ever had an erection in public. He had gotten into the pool ahead of everyone else. He was excited about starting swimming again. He was already awesome at it and he felt at peace in the water. The other boys in his class started making their way out of the locker room and into the pool. Blaine looked up to try and find one of his friends when he noticed all of the boy's naked chests. He got embarrassingly hard suddenly and desperately tried to hide it, thinking of the most disgusting things he could in order to get rid of his problem. It was from that moment that Blaine discovered that while the rest of the boys liked girls, he liked other boys.

After realising that it was not just a fluke, Blaine decided to tell his father. It was probably one of the worst decisions Blaine had ever made. It was like the information completely changed the man Blaine thought he had known. After a while, things settled down. His father became somewhat supportive in a weird way. He helped Blaine keep himself safe.

Going to high school, Blaine joined at Dalton Academy. At this time he was still the young and na�ve boy that he had always been. Seeing the best in people and always trying to be helpful and kind. He was fifteen years old and since coming out, people had made sure to give him a wide berth. Dalton was different. People didn't care that he was gay. They accepted him. Some even liked him.

Max was one of those guys that liked him. He was a Junior to Blaine's Freshman status and he took Blaine under his wing. Blaine idolised Max and he could feel himself falling for the older boy. He was the first person to ever kiss Blaine. After the kiss Blaine felt like he was walking on water. It had been perfect. Two months of dating passed and Blaine had never trusted anyone more. So he decided to give Max his virginity. He thought that it was such a special thing to give and he wanted to share it with the person that he loved.

When it actually came to losing his virginity, Max's personality seemed to change. He was rough with him, acting forceful and dominant. Blaine had bottomed and he had never experienced so much pain in his life. He had no idea why people even bothered with sex if it hurt this much. It wasn't until the next day that he learnt that he had been used and was now the laughing-stock of Dalton. He was taken in by the Warblers and they quickly formed lasting friendships. But Blaine never forgot that day. Gone was the na�ve boy that saw the best in everyone. He was replaced by a cold-hearted creature that cared about no one and nothing. He never bottomed for anyone again and he became the dominant one when it came to sex.

That attitude had kept him safe for two years. He wasn't happy but he was protected. At least that was until he walked through the doors of McKinley on his first day and was greeted by one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen. Kurt Hummel.

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Blaine didn't go to school the next day. He ignored the text that Kurt sent him asking him where he was. Seeing Kurt's name sent weird sensations running through him. At the same time he felt fear and heartbreak and it was crippling.

His father, seeing him moping around had told him to grow up and start being a man. Blaine just felt like punching him in the face. What did his father know? To avoid punching him in the face Blaine packed up a duffel bag and made his way to Dalton. He knew his friends would put him up and even though he wasn't technically allowed on the school grounds, including the dorms, he figured that he'd just hide in one of his friend's rooms.

He ended up staying in Jeff and Nick's room, and while they are his best friends it probably wasn't the best idea he'd ever had. Whenever they did the things that couples did, like kissing and snuggling, it pierced Blaine's heart because all he wanted to be doing was kissing Kurt and cuddling Kurt. But he was still so afraid.

Kurt continued to message him and he continued to ignore them.

After a couple of days of hiding out in the dorm room he sneaked into one of the Warbler's rehearsals. He had missed singing and dancing around. He didn't dare do anything like that at McKinley, it would damage his reputation too much. The first person to notice him there is Sebastian. He'd been watching Blaine with hungry eyes; Blaine could feel them on him. Eventually he sidled up to Blaine with a proposition.

"Fuck me?" Sebastian said simply. He didn't need to say anything else.

And Blaine was tempted. Very tempted. He knew he could probably lose himself with Sebastian and maybe it would stop this ache that has been there on his chest ever since he had walked away from Kurt. But he was afraid. Would he ever come back if he did lose himself? Did he want to come back? Honestly Blaine couldn't see the point anymore.

In the end he rejected Sebastian again. He still felt that he needs to be faithful to Kurt. As long as he stays faithful everything seemed like it will be okay.

Sebastian doesn't give up on Blaine. In fact he actually increases his efforts but Blaine managed to resist the temptation. The feeling of pride comes back as it had before. That is, until he remembers that he walked away from Kurt and then he just feels like a coward again.

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Blaine has been at Dalton a week. He hasn't talked to Kurt for a week. Kurt still tries to get a hold of him every day but he doesn't leave as many messages as he did before. Blaine doesn't know whether to be glad or fearful.

By the end of the week Jeff has got tired.

"Okay, what the hell happened Blaine? Why are you ignoring your boyfriend?" Jeff explodes when Blaine lets out a hearty sigh one evening.

"I got scared..." Blaine admits his voice low.

He tells Jeff everything. Everything he himself can understand because he will be the first to admit he has no idea what he's doing really. His mind is so chaotic. He can barely think straight.

He loves Kurt. He knows he does. He wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. Kurt really does seem like everything to him, and in his eyes, he's flawless. How should Blaine deserve to be with someone so perfect? He knows that that is where the problem lies. He just can't understand why Kurt would pick him. He is nothing. His self-loathing has only increased throughout the years and this is now the result. He is a shell of the sweet na�ve boy he had been. Blaine wonders if Kurt would have preferred that version of Blaine. He stops the thought where is it. It's too painful to even think about.

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At first Kurt is worried. What could have happened to Blaine? He was always coming in covered in bruises. Had someone finally done enough to kill him? Panicking he leaves him probably hundreds of messages and he rings him several times a day. He goes unanswered.

He starts snapping to people that he really shouldn't. Mercedes, the only person that supported their relationship, gets the brunt of his frustration. Luckily for Kurt she always takes him back when he comes grovelling a few minutes later. The rest of the New Directions he can't even stand to be around. Its Finn that says that Blaine is probably just avoiding him and Kurt defends his boyfriend because Blaine wouldn't do that to him. He loved Kurt, right? He did say that.

After a week Kurt still doesn't know if Blaine is even alive. He rings him again but there is something different this time. The amount of times Kurt has rung Blaine he knows exactly how many times it rings before the operator tells him that his call cannot be taken. This phone call is different. There are fewer rings. Exactly three less rings before the operator tells him to leave a message. This time Kurt doesn't leave a message. He stares at his phone as he hangs up before breaking down into sobs. He's being avoided.

Finn runs into the room. He knows Kurt is angry at him and the way that he has behaved towards Blaine but he still cares about Kurt. They're brothers. He sees the state that Kurt is in and knows that Blaine has something to do with it. He gets on the bed next to Kurt and pulls him into his arms, letting the boy sob into his chest. Kurt would never be like this if he wasn't truly hurt. Kurt always like to keep his emotions in check so Finn knows that this is bad. Really bad.

"Kurt, what happened? Talk to me little brother."

It takes him awhile but the boy manages to choke out the whole story and Finn sees red. He's going to kill that bastard. It is clear what he's done. As soon as he got into Kurt's pants he dropped him on his ass. As much as he wants to say 'I told you so' he doesn't. Kurt is still crying desperately. So much so he is gasping for breath. After a while he begins to calm down but anyone can see that he has been shattered.

That's the first night that Kurt doesn't eat anything.

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As soon as the phone calls from Kurt stop coming Blaine feels a million times worse. The phone calls had meant that there was some kind of hope. That just maybe he hadn't completely destroyed everything like he so usually did. But now they had stopped. If Blaine thought that he had been scared before it was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. How could he have been so stupid?

He stayed at Dalton another week. This time he didn't leave the dorm room at all. Instead he tried to put himself back together into something that could get him through going back to McKinley and facing the love of his life who he had now lost.

A little part of him hoped that as soon as he went back to school that Kurt would be there waiting for him. He knew it was wrong to be thinking like that. He also knew that Kurt would probably never forgive him. But he had to try. The fear he had felt before was nothing compared to the feeling that he had now and so he had made the choice to be brave. He'd just have to keep making it up to Kurt until the other boy could at least feel something again for Blaine. He hoped desperately that he wasn't going to be too late.

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It had been a week since he'd had his heart completely ripped out and shredded. At least that was what it felt like to Kurt.

While Finn had been nice enough to not say anything, the other members of the New Directions weren't so kind. They told him that they had seen this coming and didn't he wish that he'd listened to them before. They welcomed him back as if he had made the choice to push himself out of the group. He'd be angry at them but he couldn't seem to shift his emotion away from upset. He was vulnerable but for once in his life he couldn't even bring himself to care.

His appetite was apparently gone. He didn't feel hungry anymore, just numb. Looking at food even turned his stomach. Sitting at the dinner table every night with his family watching him closely, he knew that he should at least attempt to eat, just to get them off of his back. But he knew he wouldn't be able to fool them, what was the point of trying? He knew that he had lost a lot of weight already. Considering he was only ever bordering on a healthy weight, he was probably very under-weight by now. His trousers that were almost always super tight had become baggy. He had had to find a belt which he never had to use before. Kurt understood that he was barely surviving.

And what would have been worse, if Kurt could have brought himself to care, was that the jocks had noticed that Blaine wasn't coming to school much. And one jock in particular had noticed that Kurt was extremely defenceless and he was planning to take advantage of that.