Blaine's fingers shook as he reached out to the Bible on his bed, his fingers running softly over the spine and the soft leather. He tried to keep his breathing even as he picked it up, laying it on his lap, trying to find some kind of anchor to his faith without letting his heart sink back into the ocean.

Blaine loved Kurt. Blaine loved God. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it - his parents had always encouraged him to keep his faith and interpret the Bible for what it could be, rather than take everything literally. He was a Christian. He was gay. He was good, and loved by God.

But right now, right now he felt the furthest from God that he had ever been. He'd never been this broken, not when he had struggled with his sexuality, not when he was beaten by those thugs at the Sadie-Hawkins dance, not when he struggled with the choice of moving back to McKinley. But now... everything had changed. That one night, the night he had chosen to stupidly go out alone to get some coffee because he had been studying for his exams and he needed the caffeine, the one night when he didn't message Kurt saying that he loved him... that night had changed everything.

He closed his eyes, leaning back into the soft cushions on his bed as he gently put the Bible away. He hated that word. The R-word. Rape. Rape. It hurt and humiliated him more than anything else in his life. It clawed through his insides till it made him nauseous and disgusted. It ached with a throbbing rhythm deep in his stomach.

It made him feel dirty. So dirty.

He wondered how God would look at him now. God, he was holy. In the Bible, impure people could never look upon him. That meant that Blaine couldn't look to God now. He felt a sob rush to his throat and he swallowed it down with a shudder. Jesus loves me, this I know, he tried to get out the words. No. Not anymore. Dirty. Fag. Whore.

He squeaked and jumped a little when he felt a warm hand settle on his shoulder, shuffling back a little and hating himself for putting that panicked look in Kurt's eyes. He opened his mouth, wanting to apologize, but nothing came out. He closed it again, casting a soft glance at Kurt. His stomach was twisting in horrible pretzel-knots. If God thought he was dirty, surely Kurt thought so too. Kurt who didn't believe in a God, but was so good, so beautiful. So right in everything he did. And now Blaine was going to taint him too.

What could he do? Should... maybe he should leave, Blaine mused. Everybody would be better off without him.