“Where are they going?” Finn asked when he saw the two leave, running into the kitchen to ask me what was happening.

“I have no idea, they were just talking and then Kurt ran off.” I explained leaving out what exactly they had been discussing, feeling that it wasn’t my place to begin with.

“Were they talking about Kurt’s, his, um, his issues?” Finn asked in a whisper.

“Yeah, yeah they were.” I sighed.

“Oh okay. They fight about that all the time. Kurt’s just gonna go for a run, Sam will chase him until he gets tired and then he’ll come back and mope around until Kurt gets back. Then they’ll have really loud make up sex, it’s pretty gross.” Finn explained laughing at the end.

 “What’s wrong with Kurt?” I asked concerned.

“There’s nothing wrong with him, not exactly.” Finn shrugged.

“Well why were they fighting? Why does Kurt cut himself? Why wasn’t he eating?” I asked extremely worried, and Finn gestured for me to lower my voice before I even realized I started to yell.

“Look Blaine, I don’t know. He’s been this way as long as I’ve known him. I met him in middle school; he’s always had these problems. He’s always been distant, he’s always been Kurt. Sam and Quinn changed their personalities drastically, but not Kurt. He’s always been like this. I don’t know why, and although I have my suspicious it’s not my place to tell you. I’m sorry Blaine.” Finn frowned, and even though I was disappointed I couldn’t be mad at Finn, it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know.

“It’s okay Finn, I just worry about him.” I sighed and Finn smiled.

“You care about him don’t you?” Finn asked. “Kurt and his stupid green hair got to you didn’t he?” Finn teased.

“It’s aqua, and it’s not stupid. It’s cute.” I mumbled and Finn smiled.

“So are you gay or?” Finn asked.

“Yeah I’m gay, that’s why I’ve been spending more and more time with Sam and Kurt, rather than with the Glee kids. They accept me. I feel welcome there, and from what I’ve heard from you about Kurt’s bullies I wouldn’t want to be out and them not have my back.” I explained.

“We could’ve had your back dude.” Finn said placing his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to tell him, no, no he couldn’t have, that he doesn’t even have his own brothers back. But I wasn’t looking for an argument, so I just nodded and the two of us walked back into the living room.

No one seemed to have noticed Kurt and Sam running out, or that me and Finn had been gone for like twenty minutes, but I wouldn’t have expected them to notice. They were far too lost in their own personal dramas to care about others.

I heard a door slam, and I knew it must have been Sam returning and entering his and Kurt’s room. Finn gave me a shrug and I slipped out of the room unnoticed to go talk with Sam.

“Hey” He said not turning to look at me as I climbed down the ladder, it wasn’t angry, it wasn’t happy. He honestly sounded drained. I felt sorry for him, Finn hadn’t been exaggerating when he said Sam would return and mope around until Kurt came back.

“Hey Sam.” I said stepping closer to where he was sitting on the bean bag chair in front of the small desk apparently reading the journal that had been on the dresser earlier today. When he didn’t acknowledge me I put my hand on his shoulder and he jumped.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” I apologized quickly.

“Woah sorry dude, you scared the shit out of me. Well I guess that’s what I get for going through Kurt’s stuff.” He said with a laugh gesturing to the journal.

“What are you reading?” I asked leaning over next to him to take a look.

“It’s Kurt’s. I shouldn’t be reading it. It’s just he never talks about anything on his mind. Q and I are so open, and then he’s just him. He keeps everything bottled up. And I think that’s why he hurts himself. You know, he’s never given me a straight answer to anything I’ve ever asked him, about pretty much anything. I ask him why he cuts himself, why he doesn’t eat, everything, he’s all I care about. Be he always just changes the topic. Not even tactfully. Today, I have no clue what happened. Karofsky hit him that’s all I know. He says mystery is a good thing, but I think he’s just terrified of trusting people. That’s why he freaked when he saw you standing there.” Sam explained his thumb tracing over words etched into the pages of the journal.

I could barely listen to what he was saying; my eyes were so focused on the journal. Apparently Sam saw what I was looking at and he laughed darkly.

“That’s not even the scariest, you should see yesterday’s entry,” Sam said turning a page back and handing me the journal. “We got home from school and he asked if we had a small paintbrush-” Sam started to say but I cut him off.

“Is this written in blood?!” I asked the dark red liquid written beautiful across the page.

I sat down on the bed and read the insert to myself.

“I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll make this note short. Goodbye. I’m sorry to be leaving you with the cost of a funeral and stuff like that, maybe you could just dump me in a lake or something, and I don’t want to burden you any longer. I have decided that it would be in the best interest of everyone if I was to kill myself. I’ve actually wanted to end my life for quite some time now, but I always thought things maybe get better. But the truth is I’m so lost in my pain I can’t even see a brighter future. And I’m not worth it to try, and I’m sorry for putting you through all my shit for so long. I probably should have done this sooner. If you’re looking for any of your medications I’m sorry, I took them all. Everything that was in the cabinet, sorry insurance, but I figured this would be the cleanest way to go. I wouldn’t want to make a mess you’d have to clean up. Blood leaves stains you know. Anyway I’m sorry I didn’t do this sooner to put you all to rest, and I’m sorry to have wasted eighteen years of your life. I’m sorry I’m a worthless little shit. I’m sorry I’m a little faggot, not the real son you deserved. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Bye.”

“What stopped him?” I asked when I read the note. He seemed so sure of his actions. What could have stopped him?

“I did. His journal was sitting on the kitchen counter, blood still dripping from the pages. I after I read the first few sentences I rushed to find him. He told me he took some pills and to let him go. He told me he loved me and then he shut his eyes. I dragged him back inside and I forced him to throw up. I wasn’t even thinking, my eyes were blurred by tears and I just shoved my fingers down his throat until he threw up. There were so many pills. He took hours to come to. When he did he held me in his arms and I cried. He’d never say this out loud but I know he didn’t want me to save him. He apologized for scaring me. Ha, not even for trying to take his life, but for the fact that he made me worried. I cried and he held me. We made love and fell asleep in each others arms. In the morning he woke up shortly before me, gave himself another cut and told me he wasn’t ready to talk about it.” Sam explained tears slowly falling down his cheeks.

“He could’ve died.” Sam said angrily. “I should have been there sooner. I could have stopped him.” Sam cried and I wrapped my arms awkwardly around him to comfort him.

“You didn’t know he was going to do that, it’s not your fault.” I said softly and Sam looked up sadly.

“Then who’s fault was it?” He cried.

“It seems like there’s a lot of factors involved. I think Kurt needs help.” I said and Sam laughed.

“Kurt doesn’t want help, that’s the problem.” Sam frowned.

“Well maybe we can help him.” I suggested and Sam perked up a little.

“I have to ask, why do you care so much? Not just about Kurt, but about the skanks? About his past? About everything really?” Sam asked and I had to think of an answer.

“I’m not really sure. Kurt intrigues me, when I first saw him I knew I had to get closer to him. And now that I have I need more. It’s like he’s my missing puzzle piece, but I can’t put us together until I can put him together. I just want to know what goes on in his mind. I want to be able to help him, to comfort him. I’m going to be honest Sam, I’m jealous of the relationship you two have. Jealousy isn’t who I am, but when I see him with you or with Q I just wish I could hold him like that. Talk to him like that. Be with him like that. I’m not really making sense.” I said with a laugh.

Sam looked a little upset at my admittance of feelings for Kurt, but other than that he seemed to understand. He nodded his head and took Kurt’s journal back. Closing the book and setting it exactly back in its proper place. He looked at his phone for time and sighed.

“Now we wait.” He said softly, picking up his guitar and sitting back down on the bean bag chair, playing a few random songs and I laid down looking up at the ceiling.

Now we wait.