Kurt didn’t even touch his food that evening.

He simply couldn’t eat.

It wasn’t like how it was when he was younger when he starved himself to look better, it was different somehow. He just couldn’t bring himself to eating anything. He didn’t want to eat anything.

But then there was Blaine.

Why was he looking at him like that?

Was there something wrong with him?

Did Blaine not like the way he looked?

Ugh why would he like the way he looked. Blaine was perfect, why would he want to be with someone as ugly and repulsive and fat as Kurt.

Kurt hated himself, why wouldn’t Blaine think the same thing.

When Kurt looked into the mirror he was disgusted with what he saw and he’s sure other people were too.

Okay so maybe the not eating thing was also a form of a diet.

It was multipurpose actually. He didn’t want to eat, so he wouldn’t and in turn he’d shed those unwanted pounds.

This was nothing like before, he was fine. He decided.

A little diet couldn’t hurt. And it’s not even like before when he forced himself not to eat. This time he just didn’t want to eat.

He was fine.

He wasn’t worried about that.

What worried him was the way Blaine kept starring.

Kurt had never felt so self conscious in his life; it was like he was being examined. The way Blaine eyed him wasn’t in like a good like sex kind of way it was more like he was being surveyed and scrutinized.

He was certain; Blaine was sitting there picking out every single one of his flaws. For sure.

Guess that’s why he was starring so long. Kurt after all had many flaws to be picked out.

Now he really couldn’t eat.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

He was so anxious about the whole situation. He was just so nervous and worked up.

Why did Blaine have to be so perfect? Or better yet why did Kurt have to be so imperfect?

He couldn’t take it any longer.

After the waitress came over and took dessert orders, for everyone except Kurt of course, he excused himself to the bathroom.

Where he knew he could do what made him feel safe.

He walked into the furthest stall and locked the door.

From inside his pocket he felt it.

The razorblade from the hospital that he stashed away.

Blaine had thrown away his pocket knife, but he managed to sneak this out of the bathroom for emergency use.

He lifted his shirt and removed on the bandages from earlier, he didn’t throw it away he would need it again to cover up.

He took the blade and dug it into his skin.

As the blood ran out he wedged the blade in deeper.

He dragged it across his skin, ever so often picking it up and doing it again in another spot.

It felt so good, god did it feel good.

It was like instant relief.

It made him stronger.

He needed this.

He needed this more than anything in the world right now.

Forget the medicine he had to take, this right here, this blade on his skin, this is all the remedy he needs.

He quickly padded the wounds dry and covered them back up with his old band aids. He’d change them later but for right now this worked as a quick cover up. He slide his shirt back down and wiped his blade clean. He slide it back into his pocket and left the stall. He washed his hands, looked himself in the mirror and walked out.

He joined his family back at the table just as their dessert had arrived.

“Kurt do you want to share?” Blaine asked clearly testing him.

Kurt could say no and Blaine would continue questioning, or he could just take a small bite and feel guilty about it later.

As he pondered over his decision he could see the hurt in Blaine’s eye.

Screw it; he’d be miserable later if it meant not hurting Blaine now.

“Okay.” He said as Blaine raised a spoon to his mouth.

He took a small bit of the ice cream, not the whole spoonful that Blaine had offered, but hopefully enough that Blaine would stop questioning him.

He hated lying to Blaine, but what could he say to him?

Self harm was just his way of copping.

If he didn’t accidently take it too far then he didn’t see any harm in doing so.

But Blaine could never know, it’d kill him.

For now he would just keep on pretending.

They finished their desserts and Burt paid the bill and they all headed home.

Home is where Kurt needed to be.

He just wanted to crawl into bed and shut his eyes and shut the world around him out.

He knew Blaine was going to spend the night to make sure everything was okay but he wasn’t all that thrilled about the idea.

Yes he loved Blaine, yes he loved that Burt allowed them to share a bed, yes he loved being able to kiss his boyfriend all night if not more, but right now. Right now he wanted to be alone. He wanted to lock himself in the bathroom and carve into his skin like he so desired. But he couldn’t with Blaine there.

With Blaine there he’d have to put on a smile and pretend everything was just fine and dandy.

He could pretend forever, and that’s what he planned to do. But right now he just wanted an escape. Sure he’d gotten a quick fix in the bathroom of the diner, but even that wasn’t enough. He wanted more. He needed more.

He guessed he’d have to push it all aside for one night for Blaine’s sake.

He could do that.

He was getting rather good at pretending.

Everything’s okay. He told himself.