Chapter 17: Next to Normal

Louisa ringed the bell to her cousin's apartment and heard the high-pitched barks of a puppy. It was soon followed by a yell of "Blaine! I said it a thousand times that I don't want Satine on my couch!". Her laughter was joined by Kurt's, who had then opened the door:

"Welcome, boo."

"I came to finally meet my flurry niece."

Almost as if she had been called, the dog got hid of Blaine's grip and came running to lick Louisa's foot. The boy came right after, wearing a proud-parent smile. Louisa had never seen him so happy and he looked like even more comfortable with his life choices when he hugged Kurt and their engagement rings shone. She smiled from where she had being playing with Satine:

"Now I understand why you can't shut up about her; she's really adorable."

They both had dopey smiles on and she shook her head:

"I almost forgot; here, this is for her."

Kurt got the package from her hands with genuinely curiosity in his eyes. She watched him unwrap the fake-diamond collar and the way his eyes sparkled examining it. She chuckled:

"I brought her a diamond collar so she can be a real Moulin Rouge's Diamond Dog."

"Thank you, boo. It's gorgeous."

Kurt took Satine and went with her to the couch to try to put her new collar on. Blaine and Louisa just looked at each other trying not to laugh at the irony. He passed his arm around her shoulder and drove her in:

"Can I offer you a tea or something? I'd love to hear your impressions about the first week back."

"Tea would be great; thanks. But, you were there with me in almost every class, Blaine; what do you want to know?"

Kurt, who had managed to dress the dog up, joined them in their way to the kitchen:

"But I wasn't; tell me everything."

She smiled coyly:

"There isn't much to tell... I got a lot of catching up to do. Cassandra seems to be looking for every little opportunity to correct me in a way that will embarrass me in front of the class..."

Blaine came with the tea mugs and a malicious smirk:

"And what about Brody?"

"About Brody, Anderson; you owe me a lot. What were you thinking when you invited him to Kurt's party?"

Blaine smiled like a five-years-old who had just dropped his zippy cup on the white carpet and managed to slip the blame to a sibling:

"It reached my ears that there were some action between the two of you during Valentine's Day and... I couldn't help myself. Deep down, I'm a romantic at heart."

Louisa rolled her eyes and Kurt came to her rescue:

"But it still doesn't allow you to help him up, Blaine! We all know what he did and why Lou wants to be away from him."

Blaine looked down and spoke in a small voice:

"I'm just a firm believer of second chances. People sometimes do things they regret later because they are confused."

Kurt grabbed his hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. It seemed to have worked because Blaine looked up at him and smiled. Louisa cleared her throat:

"I'm not exactly thinking about if Brody deserves a second chance or not. All I know is that I need some time to myself. I want to just concentrate on healing and Brody can be a lot to deal with."

They looked at her and nodded. She sighed and went on, taking all the weight out of her shoulders:

"The most difficult part is the Next to Normal rehearsals. You are there; you must be able to touch the awkwardness as much as me. It's all late because he was waiting for me; I feel guilty and strange at the same time. I mean; I never asked him to wait."

Blaine smiled friendly:

"Don't feel guilty; he did it because he wanted. He's obsessed that you're his lucky charm and that he won't debut the play without you. It's beginning to be a tight schedule for him if he wants to graduate."

Kurt reprimanded him:

"Blaine! No need to remember her of these details. Boo, you have nothing to blame yourself for; it's all Brody's decision. We can put it up in two weeks like planned. It was almost done already; we just need to go through some final touches. And Blaine; I'd really appreciate if you stopped pushing that bastard towards my cousin."

Blaine blushed:

"It's just that I ship Brouisa so much..."

Even Louisa couldn't suppress her laughter.

xXxXx

Louisa and Rachel's feud reached a whole new level since Louisa's return is all NYADA talked about the last week. Finn has lost the count of how many times his girlfriend has said his cousin's name the last couple of days. He tried to zone out of it whenever Rachel started her monologues; but the level of stress she's been in is impossible to ignore.

"... and now, just because she's back from the dead, it's as if she's the best performer NYADA has ever seen. I was..."

Finn gently interrupted her by stroking her cheek:

"Rach, I'm getting worried that this might get you sick. Why do you hate Louisa so much? And why does her return affect you in such a way?"

"Because she's not all that they are giving her credit for!"

That was his Rachel. He tried not to startle her:

"But babe; let her be. If she's not talented enough; life will tell her."

"Are you on her side too?"

"I'm on no one's side; because my point is that there are no sides. Are you mad at her because you think she's stilling your thunder?"

Rachel pouted and he knew he was right. He cupped her face and stole a kiss. She smiled feebly and he hugged her against his chest:

"You're a star, Rach. No matter how many other stars there are in the sky; no one can ever wipe out your glow."

He started hearing she mumbling something on his chest, but it was so low that he couldn't distingue any word:

"I'm sorry, babe?"

"I said that I challenged her to a Midnight Madness."

He knew Rachel's ambition knew no limits; but this time he just hoped for the best:

"Is that the singing fight club that exists in NYADA?"

"The secret singing fight club; yes. She accepted my challenged and after Thursday everyone will know who the real NYADA star is."

Oh, boy! That couldn't be good news.

xXxXx

Brody really liked to be involved in the biggest number of things he possibly could. At that moment, so near from his graduation, he could say that he had taken the most of what NYADA had to offer (in absolutely all the aspects). However, that night he was regretting being who he was. Rachel had set up a challenge for a duel with Louisa and his ex-girlfriend, current love affection, coming up from a suicidal attempt, who couldn't stand the idea of someone thinking she was weak had wildly said yes. To top things up; Brody was the official host of their illegal fight club.

He left his dorm way earlier than he needed and walked to the place where they'd held the Midnight Madness; hoping that Louisa would also be early so he could have a word with her. He just forgot that he had to wish she'd show up unaccompanied. She was indeed early, but Maggie, Kurt and Blaine were there escorting her.

He gathered all his courage to walk up to them and ask to have a word with her. Kurt and Maggie immediately exchanged a disgusted look, but Louisa calmed them down:

"I can have a word with him. You can go ahead and find your places; I'll be with you in a minute."

He was relieved that she agreed to talk; but he was then getting nervous realizing he hadn't planned what he wanted to say:

"So, how are you? How has this week been?"

She smiled politely:

"I'm fine; thank you. I have a lot of work to do; but everything is fine on the other aspects."

"I'm glad to hear it."

She looked puzzled at him:

"You didn't call me here just to ask me that, right?"

He took a deep breath and kind of chuckled: she'd be the one to want to go straight to the subject.

"No. I wanted to remind you that you don't have to do this."

"The Midnight Madness? Aren't you, as host, supposed to be impartial?"

"Screw it, Louisa! We're not in normal circumstances and I worry."

"Would you say that if I hadn't tried to kill myself?"

He exhaled exasperate. She could be incredibly annoying when she put her mind to it.

"Yes! I don't like seeing the woman I love and my best friend wanting to face each other in a duel; even if it's just a singing one!"

"Bullshit! You let Rachel and Kurt face each other last year with no problem. You just think I'm more breakable."

If it wasn't so serious; he'd be laughing at her inaccuracy:

"Please, Louisa; you're the strongest person I know! Kurt is a nice guy and I like him; but he isn't nearly as important as you or Rachel in my life."

She rolled her eyes in mockery:

"If that's all; I'm going in."

"God damn it, Louisa; why are you so fucking stubborn?"

"Because my last name is fucking Hummel."

She was walking away from him when he reminded to stop her:

"Wait!"

She looked at him but didn't walk back.

"Can we be friends? I really miss you and I want to help if I can..."

"No funny business?"

"None at all."

"I'll make sure to keep you up to your promise, Weston."

xXxXx

Kurt damned the Hummels' stubbornness at moments like that. Why did Louisa have to prove she wasn't scared of Rachel? Why did she agree to talk to Brody minutes before it just to show she wasn't scared? His nerves were keeping him fidgeting so much that Blaine had to hold his hand in order to try to calm him down.

Louisa had walking in and smirked at them in a confident way. She had no time to walk towards them because Brody entered just after her and was calling everyone's attention to start:

"Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to another NYADA's Midnight Madness. Tonight, sophomore student Rachel Berry has challenged freshman Louisa Hummel. As Louisa is less than one week away from opening a play; there are special rules that apply to that situation. They'll be singing a duet from said play and Louisa can't sing the parts of her role. The chosen song is Wish I Were Here from "Next to Normal"; in which Rachel will be singing Natalie's parts and Louisa Diana's one. Are you girls ready?"

Rachel had a murderous glance fixed on Louisa, who wouldn't go down without a fight. Kurt loved them both and knew them both very well to know that could easily end in a blood bath. Even Blaine seemed tense sitting at his side. The girls gave a little nod indicating they were ready and Brody commanded the band to start.

The rapid rock notes were pretty loud in the, otherwise deserted, university. Everyone in the room was holding their breaths because this was a battle of epic proportions. As Louisa began to sing Diana's part; it was as if everyone breathed as one. The girl was giving it all to her performance and all the eyes (especially Rachel's) were measuring her. Rachel's part as Natalie wasn't any less passionate. She might not be as close to the sung subject as Louisa might; but she wouldn't lose a diva-off for nothing in the world.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/CMatZFK0jTw

Diana:

In an instant, lightning flashes,

And the burst might leave me blind—

When the bolt of lightning crashes,

And it burns right through my mind.

It's like someone drained my brain out,

Set my frozen mind to thaw.

Let the lethargy and pain out,

While I stood and watched in awe.

I am riding on the brightest buzz...

I am worlds away from who I was...

And they told me it would change me—

Though they don't know how it does.

I have lived a life of clouds and grey,

But this is crystal clear...

Wish I were here.

I imagine it's remarkable.

Exuberant. Austere.

Wish I were here.

Natalie:

It's euphoria, it's anger, It's the winter wind, it's fire..

And it kills my deepest hunger,

As it fills me with desire.

When the song reached the part where the two of them would have to sing together; it was something worth entering NYADA's history. There was enough energy in that improvised stage to start an earthquake. They were fuming.

Natalie & Diana:

I'm the light and heat of ev'ry sun...

I'm a bullet from a magic gun...

And I'm trying to enjoy it

But I'm missing all the fun.

Am I feeling what I think I'm feeling?

The hope, the heat, and fear?

Wish I were here.

Natalie & Diana:

Is this someone else's head trip?

Do I just disappear?

Wish I were here.

Wish I were here.

Plug me in,

And turn me on,

And flip the switch—

I'm good as gone.

It slips my skin,

And trips my brain.

I feel the burn,

But I don't' feel the pain.

Is my brain reborn

Or is it wrecked?

In freedom or in fear?

Wish I were here.

Have I blown my mind forever?

Is cloudy my new clear?

Wish I were here...

Wish I were here...

Wish I were.

Natalie:

Can I hide my stupid hunger?

Fake some confidence and cheer?

Wish I were here.

Wish I were here.

Brody approached them awkwardly to start asking for the votes. Each of the girls stood on one side of a line marked on the floor and people would vote by walking to one of the sides. Maggie, who was still near them, got up and walked straight to Louisa's one. Finn never actually walked away from Rachel and stood on her side, even if no one was sure if his vote counted. Kurt looked at Blaine who knew, exactly like him, that they would get someone very mad at them whichever side they walked to.

To ease things up from them and for Brody, who couldn't vote and was clearly nervous, there was already a winner and by a large margin. They were more comfortable to walk to Louisa's side knowing it would not intervene in Rachel's victory. Brody declared Rachel the winner and, deep down, Kurt was happy it could erase last year's results.

He approached his cousin and she smiled at him looking resigned. He pulled her to a hug.

xXxXx

Louisa hadn't entered the Midnight Madness to prove everybody she was better than Rachel. The only reason driving her was that she couldn't not respond to a challenge and, indeed, she and Rachel had things they needed to settle down. At first, she thought that Rachel's winning was quiet positive since the girl would stop bothering her. However, she hadn't anticipated that the whole school would be pointing her out on the corridors and whispering with each other as she passed the hallways. It did nothing to help with her anxiety.

If her first weeks back had gone by with no major incident, the days after the "battle" were unbearable. Not only the crooked looks, but also the constant tension she brought to every room she entered were beginning to reach her nerves. The worse were the Next to Normal final rehearsals.

The cast of the play was basically composed of her friends and family; but at that point they were constant joined by a crew that never fully warmed up to Brody's idea of going against NYADA's taboo and casting, not only one, but two freshman for his play. She walked to another rehearsal and could feel the air changing when she entered the room.

Brody saw the commotion she had caused and tried to break the ice:

"Alright; so we're all here. Ned, what was the song you wanted to redo the lighting to?"

The boy's voice came from the lightening cabin informing it was I've Been, one of Dan's solo.

"Very well. Kurt, I guess this means you're up."

http://www.youtube.com/embed/4iGsNju-MGw

Standing in this room

Well I wonder what comes now.

I know I have to help her

But hell if I know how.

And all the times that

I've been told

The way her illness goes

The truth of it

Is no one really knows

Of course she had seen Kurt singing that song a million times during rehearsals; but this time was different. He just stood there all alone in the stage and sang about how he worries about his beloved one. How 'she' is always in his mind and the things he did to help her and take care of her.

And every day this act we act

Gets more and more absurd...

And all my fears just side inside me,

Screaming to be heard...

I know they won't, though

Not a single word.

I was here

At her side

When she called,

When she cried.

How could she

Leave me on my own?

Will it work?

This cure?

There's no way

To be sure...

But I'm weary to the bone.

His eyes met hers and a different sparkle flew between them. From that moment on; he began to sing it to her.

And whenever she goes flying,

I keep my feet right on the ground

Oh, now I need a lift

And there's no one around.

And I've never had

To face the world

Without her at my side...

Now I'm strolling

Right beside her

As the black hole opens wide...

Mine is just a slower suicide.

I've been here

For the show,

Every high,

Every low,

But it's the worst

We've ever known...

She could feel her eyes getting moist with tears. She felt a pain in her chest realizing how much she had put him through just to be there for her. It was becoming too much to take and she got up from her chair to leave. However, on her way out; she found Blaine's comforting arms and they were enough to make her stay.

She's been hurt

And how

But I can't

Give up now...

'Cause I've never been alone...

I could never be alone.

xXxXx

Emma Schuester knew perfectly well how important the Glee kids were to her husband. Particularly the ones that were in the club when he first started coaching it. She saw how bugged he was for not being able to go to Kurt's epic birthday party, were they'd all reunite, because he was taking the New Directions to regionals.

That was one of the main reasons she had put all her sanitary concerns aside and agreed to travel with him to New York to watch Kurt and Blaine's new musical. They had flown in a couple of days in advance because he wanted to "expose her to some real Broadway", as he had put it. They were headed to an Italian canteen to have dinner with Kurt, Blaine, Rachel, Finn and Kurt's cousin, who was living in New York too. She wouldn't deny that she was apprehensive about this dinner.

When they arrived; Finn and Rachel were already there. The boy got startled up when he saw then arriving and got up to greed them in his goofy way of not knowing what to do with his hands:

"Mr. and Mrs. Schuster. It's so good to have you here."

Finn was clearly nervous and Will saw that too. He shoved off the boy's extended hand to pull him in for a hug:

"It's wonderful to see you in New York, Finn. And it's especially true because I know you're chasing after your dreams."

"No hard feelings then?"

Will laughed:

"None at all, Finn. I thought you already knew that; but, seeing you didn't; I'm glad we cleared this up."

That was just the first awkwardness of a very eventful night. Kurt and Blaine arrived a couple of minutes later; deeply engaged in a conversation with a girl with pale skin. Rachel, who had been nothing but friendly until then, stiffed in her chair and made a disgusted face.

They introduced the girl as Louisa, Kurt's Brazilian cousin, who was Blaine's classmate at NYADA. Kurt was very excited to have them meet his cousin. The girl was quiet, friendly and polite. Except with Rachel; Emma sensed that there was some animosity between the two of them. Will was so happy to be with his former students that he was completely oblivious to any kind of group dynamics going on. He waited to the new three to sit down and went on with an apology:

"Kurt! I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for your party. It was regionals day; you know? Anyway, I heard that all of the former New Directions was here."

Kurt smiled:

"Oh yeah; we missed you, Mr. Schue. No one else is planning on coming to our debut because they used their money to come to the party. Not complaining, though; I loved seeing everyone."

Rachel smirked maliciously:

"I'd also have chosen to have witnessed Kurt's party if I had to pick just one up."

Finn was alarmed and looked like he was pinching her under the table. Kurt, however, didn't lose his poker-face. He just stretched his left-hand ring finger, where a huge engagement ring was sparkling, to Rachel as if he was making a point. Emma was awestruck:

"You got engaged?"

Blaine's grin couldn't fit his face as he grabbed Kurt's hand:

"We did. I proposed at the party."

Rachel was snarky again:

"And Kurt's reaction wasn't the best."

Louisa was very angry when she spoke the first time in the night:

"Enough; Rachel! You're just jealous that you're not the one engaged."

Rachel wasn't affected by the girl's comment:

"At least I'm not so psycho that I can't even be in a relationship."

Louisa had enough and got up in a rush. Without even bothering looking back; she walked away and vanished on the street. It wasn't without giving Emma enough time to figure there was something else they didn't know. Finn pulled Rachel by the arm to go talk in private with her and Kurt excused himself to go after his cousin. Blaine was the one apologizing for them all:

"I'm really sorry you had to witness it. Louisa and Rachel have some baggage and they had sort of a fight last week. It was clearly too soon to have the two of them on the same table."

Blaine was a good kid and all he was trying to do was protect his family. However, Emma had studied and analyzed young people for far too long to be convinced by such a feeble exclamation. Judging by the reactions of the others; she was almost sure Louisa wasn't the one to be blamed for her temper.

Emma also excused herself and went looking for Kurt and the girl. When she reached a point in the restaurant's entrance where she could see the street; she saw the two of them hugging and couldn't help but overhearing their conversation. Louisa was pleading Kurt:

"She's right, though. I shouldn't be fooling myself. It's obvious that I can't be on a play next Friday."

Kurt looked like they had had that discussion a million times:

"I also think you shouldn't be fooling yourself. Try fooling everyone else."

The girl looked confused and Kurt smirked triumphantly:

"Being an actress is all about transforming into someone else on the stage and telling their story, not yours. And that, dear cousin, you're a master in. You know that one of my favorite musicals is Chicago, right? And you know what they say?"

"Oh, please Kurt; don't."

But the girl's pleading were worthless this time. Kurt was already sitting her down on a bench and belting to Chicago's Razzle Dazzle.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/YW3MIixEps4

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it

And the reaction will be passionate

Give 'em the old hocus pocus

Bead and feather 'em

How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?

What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll never catch wise

He was really the entertainer and would mesmerize any audience. The girl was soon in a fit of giggles.

Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous

Row after row will grow vociferous

Give 'em the old flim flam flummox

Fool and fracture 'em

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

Throw 'em a fake and a finagle

They'll never know you're just a bagel,

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll beg you for more!

Give 'em the old double whammy

Daze and dizzy 'em

Back since the days of old Methuselah

Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-lah

Give 'em the old three ring circus

Stun and stagger 'em

When you're in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder

They'll let you get away with murder

Razzle dazzle 'em

And you've got a romance

Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are

Long as you keep 'em way off balance

How can they spot you've got no talents?

Razzle Dazzle 'em

Razzle Dazzle 'em

And they'll make you a star!

When he finished in an elaborate flourish; the girl started applauding him. Emma joined her and caught both of their attentions.

She cleared her throat and extended her hand to the girl:

"I think we haven't been properly introduced: Emma Schuester, guidance counselor."

"Louisa Hummel... erm... aspiring actress?"

Emma smiled feeling warm towards the girl:

"I'd cut the "aspiring" loose. I will always stand to 'make your dreams come true'. But here; have my card and call me if you need a friend."

xXxXx

Louisa had barely exchanged three words with this woman; but somehow she had trusted Emma. She still wasn't sure why she'd agreed on paying her a visit in her office though. Louisa kept checking the name on the visit card on her hand and the one at the door. She took a deep breath and decided to knock.

Before she could, though, Will Schuester appeared on the other end of the corridor singing Who's Crazy from Next to Normal.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/OqU7erRCcYg

Who's crazy?

The husband or wife?

Who's crazy?

To live their whole life

Believing that somehow

Things aren't as bizarre as they are?

Who's crazy—

The one who can't cope,

Or maybe the one who'll still hope?

The one who sees doctors

Or the one who just waits in the car?

And I was

A wild twenty-five,

And I loved

A wife so alive,

But now I believe I would settle

For one who can drive.

Emma opened the door to her with a wide smile but soon started teaching Louisa how to take her pills in a way very similar to Next to Normal's My Psycopharmacologist and I. The girl couldn't understand why she was doing that or even why they hadn't, at least, said 'hi' first.

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong

White ones, the white ones with the round yellow ones

But not the trapezoidal green ones. Split the green ones

Into thirds with a tiny chisel, use a mortal and pestle to grind...

Emma's words began to get lost for Louisa's consciousness and she began to sing Diana's part of the song.

Diana:

My psychopharmacologist and I...

It's like an odd romance—

Intense and very intimate,

We do our dance.

My psychopharmacologist and I...

Call it a lover's game—

He knows my deepest secrets—

I know his... name.

And though he will

Never hold me,

He'll always take my calls.

It's truly like he told me:

Without a little lift,

The ballerina falls.

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

Goodman, Diana. Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes.

Sixteen-year history of medication. Adjustments after one

Week.

Diana: [Spoken]

I've got less anxiety, but I have headaches, blurry vision,

And I can't feel my toes.

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

So we'll try again, and eventually we'll get it right.

Diana: [Spoken]

Not a very exact science, is it?

Out of nowhere, Louisa could hear Kurt, Blaine, Finn and Maggie singing the background for the song. She could see their faces; but she wasn't sure of where or how.

Voices:

Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax...

Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac...

Ativan calms me when I see the bills—

These are a few of my favorite pills.

Diana: [Spoken]

Oh, thank, Doctor. Valium is my favorite color. How'd

You know?

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

Goodman, Diana. Second adjustment after three weeks.

Delusions less frequent but depressive state worse.

Diana: [Spoken]

I'm nauseous and I'm constipated. Completely lost my

Appetite and gained six pounds, which, you know, is

Just not fair.

Diana, Doctor Fine & Voices:

May cause the following

Side effects, one or more:

Diana & Doctor Fine:

Dizziness, drowsiness,

Sexual dysfunction— Voices:

Headaches and tremors Diarrhea, constipation

And nightmares and Nervous laughter,

Seizures— Palpitations—

Diana, Doctor Fine & Voices:

Anxiousness, anger,

Exhaustion, insomnia,

Irritability,

Nausea, vomiting—

Diana:

Odd and alarming sexual feelings.

Diana, Doctor Fine & Voices:

Oh, and one last thing—

Doctor Fine:

Use may be fatal...

The strangest part was when Mr. Schuester, Emma's husband, appeared and took the center of the room singing Dan's part of the song. Emma kept being Louisa's psychiatrist and Louisa didn't stop to tell her symptoms she was having; even if she didn't remembered having those.

Dan:

Use may be fatal...

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

Goodman, Diana. Third adjustment after five weeks. Reports

Continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

Diana: [Spoken]

I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely

For no reason. Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for

Sex. Although whether that's the medicine or the marriage

Is anybody's guess.

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

I'm sure it's the medicine.

Diana: [Spoken]

Oh, thank you, that's very sweet. But my husband's waiting

In the car.

Dan:

Who's crazy?

The one who's half-gone?

Or maybe

The one who holds on?

Remembering when she was twenty,

And brilliant and bold.

And I was so young,

And so dumb,

And now I am old.

[Diana]:

And she was [And though he'll never]

Wicked and wired. [Hold me,]

The sex was [He'll always take]

Simply inspired. [My calls.]

Now there's no sex, [It's truly like]

She's depressed, [He told me—]

And me I'm just tired. [Without a little lift]

Tired. Tired. Tired. [The ballerina falls.]

Who's crazy— [My psychopharmacologist]

The one who's uncured? [And I,]

Or maybe

The one who's endured? [Together side by side...]

The one who has [Without him I'd die..].

Treatments,

Or the one who just [My psychopharmacologist]

Lives with the pain? [And I.]

They say love is blind,

But believe me—

Love is insane.

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

Goodman, Diana. Seven weeks.

Diana: [Spoken]

I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything.

Suddenly, Emma's face was very clear to her and she said just one phrase:

Doctor Fine: [Spoken]

Hmpf. Patient stable.

Louisa got up in her bed gasping for air. It had been a strange dream but that kind of went with the mood of the week. She got up from her bed and walked to her kitchen. She still wondered if she was mostly happy or scared to be back to her place. She filled a glass with water and took her SOS medication with it. She returned to the bed and stayed there staring at the ceiling and praying for restful sleep to come.

In her late hour's thoughts, she realized that dream-Emma had been right about one thing: "without a little lift, the ballerina falls".

xXxXx

Blaine was contagiously getting nervous by Louisa's anxiety in the dressing-room. She was pacing around and rubbing her hands. She had already said about fifteen times that she wasn't good enough for this and a twenty more that everybody should screw themselves. She had said they hadn't had enough time to rehearsal and that there was no point in rehearsing more anyway, since she sucked so much.

She huffed one last time and Blaine had it.

"Lou; would you stop; please? You're making me nervous as well. You don't suck; it's just your anxiety speaking. Don't listen to it!"

She sat down near him and tilted her head back; closing her eyes in defeat:

"What if I'm never good enough? What if it's all a sick prank and moving to New York was nothing but a waste of time?"

"Then you had moved here just to meet me and that's worth anything!"

Though she understood he was being ironic; he kind of accepted he deserved the pillow he received on his face. He laughed and she snorted exhausted. He took her hand and rubbed it gently:

"Being serious now; you're wonderful. You're beautiful inside and out and I'm very happy I can call you my friend. At first, I wanted to solve my issues with you because of all you represent to Kurt. But soon enough, I just wanted selfishly to have such a fantastic person in my life."

He helped her wipe out some tears she appeared to have being long fighting against. She bit her lips in an attempt to hold the rest of them:

"That's very sweet of you and I want you to know that now I reciprocate it. I got to know the real you and not just 'the guy who broke Kurt's heart'. I can honestly say that there's no one else for my cousin but you. I'm really proud that he said yes and you'll be getting married. But still, Blaine; that doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling like a fraud who should never enter that stage. People out that deserve better."

Blaine squeezed her hand a little tighter and looked deeply into her eyes:

"You're not a fraud. Brody was doing you no favor when he casted you as Natalie. Tonight is our night and we'll get there and show everyone what we are worth."

Louisa was usually very up to date with her confidence. However, when it got low, it really reached rock bottom. Blaine was beginning to understand it was partly because of her disease and he wished he knew what to do.

He got up in a sudden and offered her his hand. Puzzled, she took it and followed him to a classroom not far away from the auditorium. Blaine ordered her to sit down and went to the piano in there. He looked at her and smirked:

"Just listen, okay?"

She was obedient and sat there paying him her full attention. He had always been better with dealing with his issues trough song, so he knew quite a few of motivational songs that fit that kind of moments. He went with I Believe in You from Broadway's How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying. Louisa got more emotional by every new note he hit. He could tell how much she was moved by her face expression; so often showing the same reactions as Kurt's.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/jdIDkQocKsY

Now there you are, yes, there's that face

That face that somehow I trust

It may embarrass you to hear me say it

But say it I must, say it I must

You have the cool clear eyes of a seeker

Of wisdom and truth

Yet there's that up turned chin

And the grin of impetuous youth

Oh, I believe in you, I believe in you

I hear the sound of good solid judgment

Whenever you talk

Yet, there's the bold, brave spring of the tiger

That quickens your walk

Oh, I believe in you, I believe in you

And when my faith in my fellow man

All but falls apart

I've but to feel your hand grasping mine

And I take heart, I take heart

To see the cool clear eyes of a seeker

Of wisdom and truth

Yet with the slam, bang, tang

Reminiscent of gin and vermouth

Oh, I believe in you, oh, I believe in you

Oh, I believe in you

I believe in you

You

You

She moved to sit by his side on the piano stool. He liked feeling her heath near him. He finished the song and was engulfed in a hug:

"I really love you, Bowtie."

"No need to lie to me just because I serenated you."

She broke the embrace to look into his eyes:

"I mean it! You saved my life, Blaine. Don't you ever think I'll forget that. And you're trying to make my life easier; to which I'm also thankful. I couldn't have done it without you guys. Without your help and support; I would have drowned in a pool of my sorrows."

Blaine couldn't prevent the cascade of tears falling from his eyes:

"That's what friends are for; silly."

xXxXx

Knowing that she had people who got her back was the best feeling in the world. Even though, she couldn't stop the several voices in her head reminding her that she was the worst human being on the planet and when she'd be done fooling herself.

She decided not to take her strong SOS medication before going on the stage because it sometimes got her drowsy and she couldn't risk it. Besides all the extra official rehearsal they were getting to finish everything for the musical in record time; she was also having "confidence rehearsals" with Kurt and Eleanor all week. Maggie and Blaine would also remind her, as many times as they could, how awesome she was as Natalie. The problem neither of them understood was that there was a part of her that Louisa had no control of and that kept reminding her that she was a looser. The closer to the opening day they got; the louder the voice became.

Things with Brody only made everything more complicated. She had taken his offer on being friends and was doing the best she could to keep up with it. The problem was that, whenever they engaged in a longer conversation; they'd hit a barrier she wasn't willing to cross with him. He was being very patient and loyal; but she still felt she wasn't ready. He kept saying he'd wait and she couldn't believe it. Ironically, the day she believed it; it would also be the day he'd no longer need to wait. It was all about trust and, if she had problems with it before, it had become impossible then.

Pacing around was no longer helping. Careful not to drag any more cast members to her frenzy; she decide to peek through the curtain to see Eleanor's reassuring face in the audience. She got to one of the stage's edge and pulled just enough curtain to see the audience without being seen. She saw Emma and her husband whispering to one another; which, after her weird dream, was comforting somehow. She saw Rachel and Finn next to them; they seemed excited about the play. And then she saw Eleanor. She was sitting there all dressed to the nines and wearing a proud-mama smile as she read the program. Louisa felt her heart swollen.

Feeling more confident; she decided to scan the rest of the audience to see how many people they had attracted. It was almost a full house and they still had a couple of minutes before they'd have to go on. More people were getting in and being handled their programs. A man entered with a familiar walk; but it couldn't be him, could it? Why on Earth would he be there?

She couldn't believe her father had found out about her debut. What was he thinking showing up? What the fuck was he doing there playing the careful loving father? Couldn't he see that being on a play such as that was incredibly difficult for her mostly because of him? Of course he couldn't...

Her head was dizzy and she saw everything circling around her. Her blood was boiling and she knew what it meant. With only one clear thought in head, she entered the stage and cleared her throat to catch everyone's attention:

"Good evening ladies and gentleman. My name is Louisa Hummel and I'm casted as Natalie Goodman in this production. I'm here to warn you that there'll be no performance tonight. You came to see a musical about how mental illness affects the life of a woman and all the people surrounding her. Well, I've been dealing with General Anxiety Disorders since I can remember and what you're about to see is how mental illness affects the real life of this woman and all the people surrounding me. I'm so sorry."

She could feel her strengths giving in as she had used them all to give that announcement. Without being able to give one more step; Louisa passed out on the stage.