Blaine wiped his palms on his pants as the elevator sped toward the observatory on the 86th floor of the Empire State Building.  He was a little early, but he hadnt wanted to chance being late. 

As he rode up, up, up, Blaine thought about what it was like seeing Kurt again. In some ways it was so easy, wanting and pursuing Kurt; Blaine had done it before, albeit a long time ago.  What was hard--what was blisteringly, achingly hard--was that Blaine realized he still loved Kurt; he never stopped loving Kurt.  Over the years the absence of Kurt had become something like a habit, but that wasnt the same as being over Kurt, and Blaine wasnt over him; far from it.  He thought he was, but one look at Kurt again told his head what his heart had always known.  And Kurt was...Kurt was....well, Blaine didnt know.  Sometimes Blaine would talk and Kurt would look at him in a way that was so familiar from a time that seemed so long ago it was almost like it had happened to someone else.  A time when Kurt looked at Blaine and saw something precious and rare--like something so good he couldnt believe it was his.  It went far beyond the amazing physical chemistry that would probably never go away, even if they lived to be eighty, although that was there, too.  Sometimes Blaine swore that Kurt was looking at his mouth, just staring at it with longing.  Once, when they were trapped in the bar together, Blaine licked his lips, and he knew that Kurt shivered.  But each time Blaine saw an opening--the tiniest crack that suggested that they might move beyond friends into something better--something would pass over Kurts eyes--some barrier would go up, and Kurt was distant again.  Charming but guarded. 

One thing was obvious; Blaine had to figure out what was going on in Kurts head before they went any further.  Otherwise, the pull and push might drive him insane. 

Since the weather was cold and windy, and because it was the middle of the day, there was hardly any line for the elevator, and Blaine had gone right up.  When the elevator door opened and Blaine walked out on the observation deck, Kurt was already there, his back to Blaine, looking over the side. 

He looked beautiful, even from the back. 

Blaine walked over and put a hand on each of Kurts shoulders saying, "Hi, you," a little breathlessly. 

Kurt jumped and gave a little scream, whirling around. 

"Blaine!" he exclaimed, eyes wide and hand pressed to his chest. 

"Sorry," Blaine gave Kurt a grimace.  "Hi," he repeated.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt asked, rolling his shoulders and visibly trying to relax.  "You scared me to death."

"Im a little bit early; I didnt mean to startle you."

"Early?"

Blaine looked at his watch.  "Not that early.  You said 3.  Its 2:50."

Kurt tilted his head down and widened his eyes, "What are you talking about?"

"You said Thursday, 3 pm, Empire State Building.  Here I am."  Blaine pulled up the text and showed Kurt. 

"I never..." Kurt began to protest and then stopped, "Ghosts again?" 

Now it was Blaines turn to look confused.  "Wait.  You didnt know you were meeting me?"

When Kurt shook his head, Blaine continued, "Then why are you here?"

Kurt shrugged.  "I come here every Thursday about this time.  Its when I knock off work, and I come here because it clears my head and it inspires me.  I can see buildings and people in a whole new way, and it helps with my designs.  Its a little bit of an expensive indulgence, but theres a lot of places you can get discount tickets."

Blaine nodded but his shoulders slumped, defeated.  He thought he had a date with Kurt, or at least an appointment to talk.  Now it turned out he was just kind of a stalker, even if it wasnt really his fault.  Kurt hadnt replied to his text.  He must have gotten it, and he hadnt replied. 

That meant something; and Blaine needed to be honest with himself about what it meant. 

"Ill just..." he jerked a thumb toward the elevator, turned on his heels, and started to leave, but an arm slid though his, and Kurt turned him with linked elbows. 

"Come and look," Kurt said softly. 

They wandered to the edge of the deck and looked out at the city, which was grim and foggy.  Neither of them said anything for a long time.  At first it was just nice, looking out, not talking, feeling the heat of Kurts body against his side.  Eventually, though, it started to feel awkward as Blaine shifted from foot to foot trying to think of how to start the conversation he knew he needed to have with Kurt.    

He heard a tiny Tina Cohen-Chang-Chang in his ear scolding, Just talk to him, you moron.

"Kurt," Blaine started.

At the same time, Kurt said, "Look, Blaine."

"You go first."

"No, you."

Blaine tilted his head back and cracked his neck a little, "It was never this hard to talk to you when we were young."

"I know."

Both of them were facing out toward the city, shoulder to shoulder, arms still linked.  Blaine slid his hand along Kurts forearm and reached for Kurts hand, and he was relieved when Kurt linked his fingers with him. 

The touch gave Blaine the courage he needed, "Tina says I should just be honest with you and let the chips fall where they may."

Kurt turned his head and looked at Blaine, "Ordinarily I would caution you from listening to Tina, but in this case it might be a good idea."  He squeezed Blaines hand a little, "Take your time."

Blaine sucked in a deep breath.  He wanted to say, I want you in my life.  I want to call you and text you and share things with you.  I want you to be my best friend again.  I want to kiss you breathless.  I want to press your body against mine.  I want to make love to you.  But Im scared that Ill hurt you again or youll hurt me.  Im scared that weve changed.  Im scared that if we get back together and it doesnt work out, I wont survive us breaking up again.  And Im scared that you dont want any of this from me. 

He would tell the truth, but he wouldnt, couldnt tell that truth. 

Instead, he said, "I want us to clear the air.  I want us to talk about what happened all those years ago, really honestly and for the last time, and then I want us to set it aside and move forward in in whatever way we both think would be good for us."

Kurt looked searchingly at Blaine and then nodded, "Okay." 

Blaine turned his body so he was facing Kurt, and he took both of Kurts hands in his.  "I think what we had in high school was special.  We were honest with each other, we shared our thoughts, and we had great physical chemistry.   But we were also kids, and we didnt deal with things in the most mature way.  I can imagine that when you went to New York, you felt overwhelmed.  You pulled away from me.  I think if youre honest with yourself, youll know its true.  I think you pulled away from me because you had a lot on your plate, but I also think you pulled away from me to protect yourself a little from the physical distance between us.  I think it was all very reasonable, and I dont blame you for any of it, despite what some of my more vitriolic emails from the past might have indicated. 

"I can see all of that now, but, at the time, it just felt like I was losing you.  It made me feel rejected and unattractive--like now you were in the big city, there were better men than me for you.  So when I started getting attention from--God, I dont even remember his name..."

"Eli," Kurt supplied without hesitation. 

"Wow, okay, Eli.  Well, that attention made me feel wanted.  But if Im honest with myself, there was also a part of me that wanted to hurt you, because you had hurt me.  Of course, you hadnt done anything to make me feel hurt; I just felt like I felt.  If I had been more honest with you, and if I had insisted that you listen to me instead of just doing the same old same old and hoping you would read my mind, none of what happened would have happened.

"Anyhow, I wanted you to know that it took me a long time--years, really--to figure out why I had betrayed you, and it took me even longer to forgive myself, but I never got the chance to ask you to forgive me, so I want to do that now.  I want to say Im sorry, Kurt, for not trusting you, for not talking to you, and for cheating on you and hurting you.  You didnt deserve any of it, and I hope youll forgive me."

Kurt looked at Blaine searchingly, and then he nodded, leaned forward, and kissed Blaine gently.  His lips were cold on Blaines in the chilly weather, but the gesture burned hot in Blaines soul, even though the touch was fleeting.  "I forgive you, Blaine.  I forgave you a long time ago, but thank you for telling me what you did.  I hope you will forgive me, too, for making you feel unloved and deserted.  You were right; I was overwhelmed, but I should have talked to you instead of shutting you out."

"Really, Kurt, theres nothing to forgive."

"Yes, there is."

Blaine smiled faintly and then returned Kurts kiss equally briefly, "Okay, I forgive you."

"So now what?" Kurt asked. 

Blaine should have known that Kurt would ask the hard questions.  He sucked in a breath and steeled himself.  "Sometimes, over the years, I would think of you and wish we could be friends again.  I guess thats why I wrote the emails; I didnt want to give up the friendship.  But now that Ive got you back in my life--even a little--I realized that I dont want your friendship.  Well, I do if thats all youll give me, but I want us to be together.  I want us to try again."

Blaine had been looking down when he said this--couldnt bring himself to look at Kurt while he asked.  Now he looked up, and expression on Kurts face was one of horror.  He opened his mouth, but no sound came out.  Kurt just shook his head back and forth, looking all for the world like he was fighting tears. 

"No," Blaine wasnt giving up with a fight, "Dont do this, Kurt.  I know you think you cant trust me, but you can."

"Its not...Im just...Im not that person I was in high school," Kurts voice came out in a plaintive, high pitch, breaking around the edges. 

Blaine grabbed Kurt by the shoulders, "I dont want that Kurt.  I quit wanting boys when I stopped being a boy.  I want you, Kurt.  Just you." 

Kurt kept shaking his head back and forth, and his voice came out barely louder than a whisper.  "Im not that person, Blaine.  Im different.  Im not anyone youd want to know."

"Why not?  Why not try?  Why not give us another go?  Were us, Kurt.  We have chemistry, Kurt.  Real chemistry.  You feel it.  That hasnt changed."

The transformation of Kurts face from anguish to anger was nearly instantaneous and so shocking that Blaine took a small step back. 

"Chemistry?" Kurt said in a venomous voice.  "This is about chemistry?  Well, then, okay, Blaine.  We can do that.  I can do that."  He let out a short laugh--a single, harsh bark.  He tilted his head toward the door labeled "Men."  "We can do it in there.  What do you want, Blaine?  Hand job?  Blow job?  Want to fuck me up against the mens room wall?  ‘Cuz that...yeah, that I can do.  So lets do it."

Now it was Blaines turn to shake his head, confused and hurt, "No, Kurt.  Its not what I meant.  I dont...I mean, I do...but..."

"Lets do it, Blaine."  Kurt stepped very close and pressed his hand to Blaines crotch, others view of them obscured by his coat and the out of the way corner where they were talking.  Blaine jumped; still, he couldnt pull away without making a scene, and he couldnt imagine Kurt would want that, even acting so...psycho...as he was. 

"Stop it, Kurt" he whispered in a low voice.  "Why are you doing this?  What is wrong with you?" 

Kurt stepped back from Blaine and shook his head, tears glimmering in his eyes.  "Just, no, Blaine.  No, okay?"

"Are you really incapable of forgiving me?  Of trusting me?" Tears were streaming down Blaines face, and he dashed them angrily away with the back of his hands.  

Just as quickly as Kurt had turned into a rage monster, he was now Kurt again.  Not guarded, wary Kurt, but real Kurt.  The Kurt that Blaine fell in love with.  He looked at Blaine with soft eyes and put a cold hand to Blaines cheek, wet with tears.  "Im sorry. I just cant, Blaine.  Trust me on this." 

Blaine took a deep breath through his nostrils, closed his eyes, and let his head fall back.  He was out of moves. 

He opened his eyes again and nodded, "Okay.  Lets get down from here; its freezing."