Kurt dashed down the sidewalk, vision blurred by tears, and with no consideration for where he was going--just away. 

He had known this moment would come.  Hed known that Blaine would find out, and it would be over.  He knew that. 

Hed known that when this moment came hed be sad and disappointed.  What he hadnt known was that he would feel absolutely crushed.  He hadnt known that the idea of losing Blaine, of never seeing him again, would leave such a searing pain in his heart. 

As Kurt ran, he angrily dashed the tears from his eyes with one hand while his other hand clutched to his chest to hold in the pain, which was now almost a physical ache.  As the sidewalk sped by under his running feet, his anguish began to be replaced with anger at the colossal injustice of it all.  Some guys conned their way through life.  They told lies at every turn.  They never did the right thing.  And--despite what television or film said--there was no such thing as karma.  Those guys didnt get what was coming to them.  What came around didnt necessarily go around. 

Yet one time--just one time--Kurt had done the wrong thing, and everything fell apart.  Didnt he get any cosmic credit for all the other times he did was what right?  Didnt he deserve to have his slice of happiness, just this one time?  Didnt the universe owe him for all the pain and suffering and struggle he had faced for so many years with integrity and dignity? 

Besides, Blaine had lied, too.  Hed lied about his name, and he let Kurt think that Coopers apartment was his.  He pretended to be a simple teacher, when it turned out he was--well, if not wealthy, at least he wasnt starving--and he was a political insider, to boot!  Kurt wasnt the only one who lied.  

Even as he continued running, though, Kurt mentally pulled himself up short.  He would not have a pity party.  He wouldnt be one of those guys who complained because they made their own bed, and then they had to lie in it.  He felt self-anger begin to replace self-pity.  He had done this.  He had hurt Blaine in unimaginable ways, and he deserved to suffer for what he had done.  Yes, Blaine had lied, but his lies were benign.  Blaine was bright and shiny and beautiful, and they could have had something wonderful--something really special.  But Kurt had stained it all with the mud of his lies.  He deserved to hurt. 

But Blaine didnt, and that thought alone brought Kurt to a sudden stop.  He bent over, his breath coming in great gasps as his tears and tortured lungs threatened to overwhelm him.  Finally, he slowly stood upright, stunned, trying to wrap his mind around that realization and somehow reconcile it with what he had done.  The look on Blaines face when Kurts lies were uncovered... if he had hurt Blaine even half as much as hed hurt himself with his lies, he needed to fix this so that Blaine would be okay.

The bells of a nearby church struck midnight, and Kurt felt each of the twelve soulful peals as hammer blows to his heart and mind.  He had found the most amazingly sweet, smart, kind, and funny man, and hed crushed him.  It was the worst thing hed ever done, and he had to find a way to make it right. 

Not to get Blaine back--he could never do that, and he didnt deserve Blaine.  But he had to at least apologize.  He had to try to explain that Blaine shouldnt have been treated as Kurt treated him.  Kurt wouldnt ask for Blaines forgiveness; he couldnt.  But Blaine deserved an explanation, and Kurt would give it to him.  And he had to make sure Blaine knew how special he was and how much he deserved the very best. 

As the last bell tolled, Kurt straightened, dried the last of his tears, drew a final shuddering breath, and squared his shoulders.  Facing Blaine might be the hardest thing hed ever do, but he would do it, because he was a man, and facing up to mistakes is what good men do.  His dad had taught him that a long time ago. 

The ringing of the bells and his own thoughts seemed to echo and collide with each other, making him almost oblivious to his surroundings, including the sound of running footfalls coming up behind him.  So when he suddenly did an about-face to go back to the church he nearly collided with Blaine, who staggered to a stop, panting and flushed from running. 

"Blaine!"

"Kr...Kurt!" Blaine panted, putting up a hand to signal that he need a minute to catch his breath as he bent at the waist, his other hand braced on his thigh as his chest heaved. 

"Blaine, Im so sorry," Kurt began, his voice breaking.  "I lied to you.  Youre precious and wonderful, and I lied to you!  I shouldnt have done it--you didnt deserve it, and Im so, so sorry!"

Blaine looked up at him, but he was still bent over, now with both hands on his thighs, trying to catch his breath.  Kurt forged ahead, needing to take advantage of Blaines silence and get everything said before he lost his nerve.  "Im not asking you to forgive me or even to talk to me ever again.  Not that.  You deserve so much better than me.  I just want you to know that Im sorry.  What I did was wrong, and I know Ill regret it for the rest of my life.  But you need to know that Im sorry, truly sorry.  You dont have to say anything.  I just had to tell you." 

Blaine straightened slowly and, taking a final few deep breaths, asked in a quiet voice, "Is that your real voice?"

"What?  Yes!"  Kurt bristled despite his regret, "Yes, I sound like a girl, all right?"

Blaine shook his head, "It doesnt sound girly, Kurt.  It sounds musical.  Your voice--your real voice--is beautiful." 

Kurts indignation left him as quickly as it came.  "Oh," was all he could muster. 

"Why didnt you just tell me?" Blaine asked, his eyes searching Kurts. "I lied, too...Kurt.  When I told you my real name, why didnt you just tell me yours?  It would have been okay.  You had to know that."

Kurt tried to keep from letting his tears spill over as he tried to give Blaine the explanation he deserved.  He fought the lump in his throat and confessed, "Its more than just my name.  I lied about everything."  His voice was hardly more than a whisper.  "Im just like all those other guys youve dated.  I have no money.  I never have steady work.  Im just another guy who would be a burden to you."

"What?  Kurt, no!"  Blaine put his hands on Kurts shoulders and then, hesitantly, removed them. "Sam says youre one of the most talented, up-and-coming costume designers in the city.  He said that there have been stories about you in the on-line blogs and even in a couple of magazines.  He said that youre incredibly dedicated.  But even without what Sam said..." 

Ignoring the fact that Blaine had reached out to him--in more ways than one--Kurt interrupted.  "Sams sweet, but I struggle, Blaine, like nearly every other designer in this town.  I work from job to job, and I barely get by.  You dont want that.  You told me so.  You want...Kris, the investment banker."

"Oh my God, Kurt.  Is that really what you think?" 

"Its what you said."

"I said I was sick of guys without goals and the drive to achieve them; thats not the same as wanting a rich guy--or even a guy whos already got it made.  God, Kurt, I want so much more than that!"

I...I dont understand.  How can you want more than someone whos already successful? What..."

"Kurt, listen to me. Do you remember when we first met?  How you did that great Ellen Barkin routine and how mesmerized I was by you?  And fast-forward to tonight, when you were so... assertive..."  Blaine paused, looking a bit distracted as he remembered the intense lovemaking session.  He gulped a little and continued, "...and how turned on we both were?  Granted that was almost all...well, sexual, and life is more than sex..."  He paused again, "Well, sex is a really good part of life..."  He paused yet again, trying to gather his thoughts, which seemed to be determined to take side trips of their own.

"Blaine, where are you trying to go with this?"  Kurt asked, looking a little bemused.  For the first time since Sam had opened his mouth, Kurt was beginning to feel less...well, less horrible and a little more like himself.  Speaking of himself, he continued, "Thats what I mean, Blaine.  I dont know if I was being honest with you at all--not just about my name, but about the kind of person I am.  Im worried that I was trying to be something Im not... which is that... assertive person who made love to you."

"Thats just it, Kurt! You made love to me.  For the first time in years, someone took care of me instead of the other way around!  Im convinced you really have that assertive person inside you."  Smiling slightly for the first time since they started talking, he added, "Granted, the Sea of Love routine might have been a bit over the top, but you couldnt have pulled it off if you didnt have that... that... essence inside you.  That was just as much a part of you as any other...part." His eyes seemed to lose focus for a moment, but he quickly returned to the topic at hand.  "And I can guarantee I felt absolutely and positively nothing but you when you made love to me tonight.  It was all you."  He looked pensive a moment. "I dont think it means thats all you are, but I do think its a real and true part of you," he said sincerely.

Kurt thought about what Blaine had said, realizing at some level that theyd started walking, although he wasnt aware of a destination--just that they were walking together as they talked.

"I think I understand what youre saying, Blaine," he said softly.  He continued more strongly, "It felt...well, it felt a bit strange for me at first, but I was trying to get in touch with a part of me Ive always wanted to be. Id gotten so tired of guys always treating me like, well--at the risk of stereotyping the gender--like a girl simply because I have a higher voice and because of my appearance.  There are times when it gets really tiring always having the other guy be the alpha gay, so to speak."

"I know exactly what you mean," Blaine interjected.  "Believe me, it gets just as tiring when youre always expected to be the alpha in a relationship.  I mean, there are times when I just really want, or even need for someone else to take charge--and maybe even sort of take care of me," he finished quietly.

"I liked taking care of you, Blaine," Kurt replied softly.

They walked in silence for a few steps. Then they both spoke at once.

"I wonder..."

"I think..."

They laughed.  Kurt indicated with a wave of his hand that Blaine should go first.

Blaine took a couple of moments to gather his thoughts.  "I dont think its imperative in a relationship that one person is always the alpha, or that one person is the guy and the other, the girl.  I think thats a misperception that the hetero community tends to place on us, and sometimes we end up buying into it.  I know I wouldnt want to always be submissive or passive in a relationship--any more than I always want to be the one in charge and responsible.  I think," he said hesitatingly, "that what Im looking for in a relationship is to be with someone with whom I can truly be myself--someone who is my partner, my equal."  He paused and then continued, "And I think the key to that kind of a relationship is going to be a really high standard of honesty and communication."

"Honest is something we havent been much--if at all--so far," Kurt observed.  "And good communication is something Ive seldom, if ever, encountered in a relationship.  But I think I understand where youre coming from.  I want so very much just to be myself with someone.  I have a mind, and I have opinions, and I have capabilities and strengths that I sometimes lose sight of simply because other people project their expectations--or lack thereof--onto me so persistently.  Id like to be in a relationship where both parties are equal."  He thought for a moment and added, "I dont think equal means the same, though."

He looked at Blaine.  "Do you think its possible for two very different people--people who are...say... as different as we are... and for two people with very complex and strong personalities to... well, to actually have enough in common to be... to be able..."

"...To be able to make a go of it?"  Blaine finished for him, speaking softly.  Neither realized they had stopped walking, and were turned towards each other.  They looked into each others eyes, honeyed toffee and oceans of blue, gray and green.

"I do," they said in unison.

Then they both giggled. 

Kurt put his hands on Blaines waist and pulled him closer. 

Blaine reciprocated by wrapping his arms around Kurts own waist before saying, "Well, maybe its a little soon for ‘I do, but I think I did hear the clock strike midnight.  You know what that means."

Kurt arched an eyebrow, smiled, and leaned in to press his lips against Blaines.  "Your car turns into a pumpkin and you leave me here holding a glass slipper?"

Blaine shook his head and kissed Kurt back, softly and sweetly.  Then he leaned back a little from Kurt, still keeping his hands on his waist, "It means its Christmas.  Merry Christmas, Kurt."

Kurt kissed him back. "Merry Christmas, Blaine."