[mood music]

Everyone knew that Rachel Berry was competitive.  However, only her roommate, Kurt, and, perhaps, her two gay dads knew all the bizarre forms that her competitive spirit embodied.  For example, Rachel couldnt resist any kind of contest.  The endless singing contests and the "diva-offs" made some sense--these served to reaffirm her vocal talent which was, admittedly, immense.  The lotteries, drawings, and raffles made a lot less sense.  Winning these was simply a matter of luck, and, yet, Rachel was drawn to these like a moth to flames.

Kurt could have passed it off as a strange but charming eccentricity, but Rachel had a tendency to pester Kurt into also entering drawings and buying raffle tickets and purchasing lottery scratch-off tickets.  Faced with her wheedling, he did, just so she would shut up already.  

Now, you would think that with the sheer volume of contests that Rachel entered, she would win one every now and then, but she never did.  Like most people, she never won anything.  And, lets face it.  If your odds of winning are 1,265,000 to 1, then 1,264,999 folks are going to lose every single time, because buying lottery tickets more often doesnt increase your odds of winning; it simply allows you to lose more often. 

Unlike Rachel, Kurt won a lot--far more than a calculation of the odds (not that Kurt could do such a thing) would suggest.  Except Kurt never won the grand prize or the big jackpot.  Nope.  Kurt was the unluckiest lucky person alive. Maybe every fourth time he bought a lottery ticket he won a dollar, which was the cost of the ticket in the first place.   If he won a raffle or a drawing, he never won the big cash prize or the weekend at the Waldorf Astoria or the deluxe spa package.  Not Kurt.  He won a dozen cronuts, or a Katy Perry CD, or--in one horrible instance--tickets for two to a monster truck rally.  In other words, if Kurt did not want it, he usually won it. 

So he wasnt at all surprised when his phone rang as he entered his Bushwick apartment one Tuesday.  Answering his phone with one hand and picking up his mail with the other, he dropped to the couch as he said, "Hello?"

"Mr. Hummel?"

"Yes?  This is he."

"Mr. Hummel, this is Kayla from Empire Travel Tours.  Im calling because..."

Kurt interrupted her, "Im sorry...Kayla, was it?  Look, Im a broke college student, so I really cant afford whatever youre selling.  Thanks for calling."

He was about to click "end," but the voice on the other end shouted "Wait!" and Kurt put the phone back up to his ear. 

"Yes?" he said. 

"Im not selling anything.  Ive called to tell you that youve won a prize in our recent drawing."

Anyone else might have been excited about this, but not Kurt.  Hed gotten this phone call a lot.  It usually meant that hed won a salad spinner or a raccoon statue with a clock in its belly.  Shuffling through his mail, he said in a bored voice, "Well, whatever it is, just mail it to my apartment.  You have the address, Im sure."

"No, Mr. Hummel.  You won our grand prize."

Well, that was different.  Kurt was paying attention now. 

"Oh.  Well, thats nice."

"Its very nice.  Its a trip for two, all expenses paid, to the KB Ranch in Chaparral, Idaho."

"A dude ranch?  I won a trip to a dude ranch?"

"A guest ranch, Mr. Hummel.  Isnt that exciting?"

"Yeah, thats terrific," replied Kurt in a tone that completely belied his statement.  "What does one do at this guest ranch?"

"Its great!  They have horseback riding, fly fishing, water skiing, volleyball, hiking, basketball, and swimming.  They also have camp cooking demonstrations, a square dance, and a chuck wagon dinner on Friday night."

If she added shopping at Walmart and attending a NASCAR event, shed have a pretty comprehensive list of activities that Kurt despised.  However, Kurt knew just the people who would love a trip for two to a dude ranch.  These were the same lucky recipients of his monster truck rally tickets. 

"Can I give this prize to my dad?"

"Im sorry, Mr. Hummel.  The prize is non-transferable.  You can take whatever guest youd like, though."

"I see.  So the winner of the prize has to go?"

"Thats right."

"Can you draw another name and give the prize to someone else?"

"No.  Under the rules of the State of New York, there can only be one winner."

"Can I just decline?"

"Mr. Hummel, this drawing is a promotion for our company.  When you entered the contest, you checked the box that said you agreed to our rules of entry.  They say that you cannot decline or transfer the prize and that you agree to have promotional photos taken."

Kurt was going to kill Rachel. 

"Can I at least choose when I have to go to this ranch of horrors?"

"Absolutely!  Id be happy to discuss dates."

"Terrific," Kurt replied through clenched teeth.