“Not as sad as you’d think,” Kurt assures him, flushing in embarrassment because he isn’t normally this unprofessional. Alex has spent good money on their time together and is spending even more to take Kurt out to a fine dinner. He owes him his attention. “You’ll have to excuse me I-”

“You’ve got someone on your mind.” Alex waves away his apology, unsettling Kurt once again with how observant he is. Or rather, it might be more accurate to say that it’s the amount of attention he pays that Kurt finds unsettling.

“Yeah I guess I do,” Kurt admits. They grin a little thinly at each other and Kurt takes another bite of his duck with a small sigh.

“I don’t suppose I could tempt you into sharing?” Alex asks, so hopefully Kurt can’t help an amused giggle.

“It’s sort of against my rules, sharing personal details” Kurt informs him for the millionth time but as Alex’s face falls he smiles and adds, “but I’m willing to make a compromise. I’ll share if you will.”

“What do you mean?” Alex flushes and Kurt knows that his own observations are correct. Alex isn’t the only one who has been paying attention.

“I mean that I’m not the only one with someone on their mind.”

Alex doesn’t comment on that, instead he takes another long sip of his wine and gazes off somewhere past Kurt. He’s surprisingly disappointed that Alex has refused the invitation to share. The other man’s eyes are too old, to haunted, not to have a story behind them and he’s one of the most unusual clients Kurt has ever had. He would have liked to know what that story was.

“I had a partner once.” Alex’s voice startles Kurt after such a long silence but he quickly gives the other man his whole attention.

“Before, Ricky?”

“Yeah,” Alex nods. “Ricky came along after and I guess I knew from the start he wasn’t what I needed but by then I guess I was so desperate to be important to someone again that I didn’t care.”

“Did you love this man... your partner?” Kurt asks, already knowing the answer. He doesn’t have to know his name or who he is but this man hovers over Alex like a shadow.

“Very much.” Alex nods slightly and blinks once before looking at Kurt with a searching gaze. “How about you?”

“I’ve only ever had one serious relationship” he admits. “It’s rather complicated but needless to say he’s one of the most important things in my life.”

“Ah. And you still love him?”

“Of course, just not like he needs.” Kurt shrugs. “We want different things. That has always been the problem.”

“I understand.” Alex has this look on his face that makes Kurt feel that it’s not just tripe. He hasn’t a doubt that Alex knows exactly how he feels and he wonders about this man he still loves who he is obviously separated from. He wonders idly if it will always be this way for them. Will they always feel this ache for someone out of their reach? It’s so damn frustrating and not for the first time Kurt finds himself wondering what would have happened if he could be different; the sort of man Blaine wanted.

“He wasn’t the settle down type?” He inquires because without a doubt Alex is the sort of person who would want the house and the dog and the white picket fences.

“No, not at all.” Alex laughs a little sadly. “He did try for me but... it’s complicated.”

“Isn’t it always?” Kurt smiles tenderly at him and places a hand over his, wanting to draw Alex back from the dark place they’d strayed into. “No use wallowing over things we can’t change is there? We’re young, I’m beautiful,” Alex laughs at Kurt’s cheeky wink and Kurt dances his fingers playfully up his arm. “We’ve a night ahead of us just waiting to be filled, and here I could make some horrible joke about it not being the only thing, but...”

Alex laughs and Kurt thinks it’s a really beautiful sound and that a man would have to be crazy not to want to spend as much time as he could invested in bringing that sound around. He wonders about the man Alex loves. He probably regrets not being the one sitting where Kurt is, he’s sure he does infact; it’s just one of those things Kurt knows.

********

It’s early evening, several days later and Kurt is just finishing with a client. Nice guy, mid thirties, the kind that he can have a laugh with, very down to earth. He paid $200 for an hour of regular sex in the missionary position, which was honestly a relief for Kurt since over the past week the last thing he has felt like doing is work and he can barely bring himself up to scratch anymore. He hasn’t spoken to Blaine since he ran out on him at lunch the other day.

Blaine has left a few messages on his phone but Kurt has not answered them. Not because he isn’t sorry, because he is. He honestly believes Blaine was only trying to make a simple observation and that he is the one to blame for the fight, for blowing up about something Blaine has no hope of understanding. Not unless Kurt tells him the truth. That’s what has kept Kurt away. The truth is heavy on his tongue and he’s afraid of what he’ll say if he sees Blaine.

Now he doesn’t see him at all and Kurt would be lying if he said that the week and some days hadn’t felt like the most empty of his life. He honestly just wants to get away. He suddenly has a strong urge to drive home to Lima to bake with Carol, to see Finn and hear all about Quinn, to sit with his dad as he watches whatever game is on TV. He needs a vacation, but Sue doesn’t exactly encourage them to take holidays.

Kurt has had nightmares about coming back after a vacation only to have lost all his clients to Jake, and Sue does nothing to dispel his probably irrational fears. As much as Kurt loves the job it’s draining him. He’s not feeling it any more. He wants home. His home. He misses driving five miles and encountering nothing but a gas station and a wal-mart, he misses seeing girls out in winter wearing parkas and snow boots instead of prancing around in nothing but a bra and a belt, he misses his father. He misses Blaine teasing him about his tiny town, tucking a long stem of grass behind his ear, enjoying the summer sun and refusing to think about term starting up again in the fall. He misses the closeness they once shared, long before sex complicated things.

The truth is burning in Kurt’s mouth but he isn’t ready yet to unleash it. He isn’t ever going to be ready to lose Blaine. What does that say?

He now has two hours to get washed, changed and have something to eat before heading back out to meet his next client. It’s a two hour appointment, that means that the fellow either wants conversation or to do something…unusual. Hopefully it’s the former; otherwise Kurt might snap before the two hours are up. He can’t shake the feeling that he’s on the verge of a breakdown.

He’s just in the process of drying his hair when his phone rings and Blaine’s name flashes on the screen. Everything inside Kurt freezes.

“I need to come over” Blaine says before Kurt even says hello. Not that Kurt was planning on it. He is still shocked that the phone is in his trembling hand to begin with.

“No. No you can’t, I’m working tonight. Sorry” Kurt apologizes quickly, feeling an immense wave of relief st the ready excuse. It doesn’t have to be today. Today won’t be the last day Blaine is with him.

“Call in sick,” Blaine almost demands, and that’s when Kurt notices his voice is odd. “Since when do you work Saturday nights anyway?”

“Overtime.” Kurt winces at the lie, which is pointless as he has to do it again to cover the first. “I need the money.” He is not going to cry. He has to hang up because this is getting ridiculous and painful and crying is just so stupid.

“Kurt! Please can you call in sick!” Kurt realizes something is really not right, but he can’t just go cancelling appointments on Blaine’s say so. He’s done that one too many times lately and for all that he’s Sue’s golden boy there’s only so much crap he can pull before she starts cutting him. For all Kurt knows this is the only time the client is free for months. Canceling makes him look bad, it makes Sue look bad and the last thing you want to do is make Sue look bad.

“Blaine I can’t,” he answers quietly.

Kurt hears him curse and he winces, this time because Blaine doesn’t throw curses around like most people. He’s too polite for that.

“Damn it Kurt! I didn’t think it was too much to ask if just once you could put me before your god damn job, but I guess it is. I’d quit bothering you but I have nowhere else to go. Can you just work with me here, please?”

Kurt can’t stop shaking. Jesus, what is wrong with him? Something is obviously really wrong, he can tell by Blaine’s voice, and as usual all Kurt can think of is work. Since when did this job take over his life? He thinks that maybe it happened a long time ago and Blaine has held off from saying anything until now.

“Alright. Just please, give me half an hour,” Kurt tells him, hanging up before Blaine can answer. He needs to tidy up; it’s been so long since Kurt let him come over that he has become sloppy. He needs to get everything that will give away his real occupation and lock it away in his work bedroom; because, yes, he wants to tell Blaine the truth but is he ready? No he is not and it will only be ten times worse if Blaine figures it out for himself before Kurt can tell him.

Getting everything put away is no easy feat. His bathroom alone is filled with cupboards full of deodorants, toothbrushes and soap for when he takes in calls, and there are toys, packets of condoms, and lube everywhere. Blaine might be well aware of Kurt’s promiscuity but the sheer amount of them piled up in trash cans and in his drawers is a bit much, and if that doesn’t give it away the business cards and the new photos he just had taken certainly will. But before he does all that he needs to make a phone call, which needless to say he’s not exactly thrilled about.

“Hey Porcelain” Sue says as she answers his call. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the hotel name or the room number, that’s not like you.”

“I need you to cancel my evening out call,” Kurt doesn’t bother hegding, waiting for the inevitable onslaught.

“What?!” Kurt flinches at the quiet bark. He knows just by her voice that this is going to mean a lot of trouble for him.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. But something’s come up and I wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t desperate, you know that Sue.”

“Porcelain, listen to me carefully. I gave you that client as a favor! I don’t grant favors often. He didn’t have any preference or ask for someone in particular but you know that when I can I’ll send them you. Why? Because you’re my star. Stars do not cancel appointments!”

“Sue I honestly can’t do it right now. Can’t you give him to someone else?”

“This is an escort agency not a hospital! I don’t have people on call for when you can’t be bothered.”

“It’s not that I can’t be bothered, I need to deal with this. I have a friend in a crisis and I’m worried.I can’t work in this state anyway.” He explains tiredly.

There is a long pause on the other end.

“Kurt.” Kurt’s eyes widen at Sue’s use of his name.“I’m going to give you this one. And while you’re dealing with your crisis I want you to think long and hard about crossing me. I don’t care if god himself calls you asking for a favor, if you pull this with me again Sue Sylvester is going to wait until Christmas and send all those lovely new photos I have of you on personal greeting cards signed ‘with a happy ho ho ho to you’, to every single person you love. Then I will fire you. Do I make myself clear?”

“It won’t happen again,” Kurt promises and Sue promptly hangs up. He stands for a moment staring glumly at his phone. It’s not that he actually believes Sue would come through on the first part of her threat, she doesn’t know any of his friends and family for one thing, it’s that he knows she isn’t bluffing about firing him. Yes he’s tired of the lies, no he doesn’t want Blaine to hate him, but what will he do without the job? It has been his whole life for years now and he really enjoys it...at least he used to. He can again. He will again. Maybe.

By the time Blaine rings the buzzer Kurt has got the place organized and it doesn’t scream of Porcelain’s Boudoir of lust and decadence as soon as you enter. Everything that indicates his profession is safely stored in his work bedroom with the door locked. He hasn’t come up with some excuse for why Blaine can’t sleep there but he’ll think of something.

“Kurt?” Kurt hears Blaine call as he walks in and he grabs two cans of sprite from the fridge, which he almost drops when he sees Blaine’s face for the first time.

“Jesus Christ!” Kurt shouts as he takes in Blaine’s swollen eye, the dried blood on one side of his face and the ugly bruise already starting to form there. “What the hell happened? Were you mugged? Do I need to call the police? You look like you need to go to the hospital!” Kurt is on him in seconds, fluttering hands stroking hair and skin as he examines Blaine’s injuries and fights panic.

“I’m fine,” Blaine lies, considering he’s clearly anything but fine. “I just had a run in with Jeremiah” Kurt freezes momentarily, something dark and cold unfurling inside him.

“Jeremiah hit you?” He asks quietly as if the words themselves might be dangerous. “Has he completely lost his mind?!”

Blaine goes to answer, however before the words can leave his mouth he sways on his feet; unsurprising considering he’s obviously taken quite a blow to the head. Kurt quickly steadies him. Taking hold of him by the upper arms he guides Blaine to the settee, onto which Blaine slumps as soon as they reach it. Blaine leans back and closes his eyes, which Kurt knows if he has a concussion is the last thing he wants to be doing.

“Okay honey I know you don’t want to, but hold your head up for me.” Kurt gently pulls Blaine’s head towards him and his eyes blink open. “There you go. Just look at me for awhile. It’s going to be okay.” Kurt props Blaine’s head up with one hand and strokes his scalp gently with the other, trying to keep the fear and fury out of his voice. He makes soothing sounds and wrestles himself under control.

“Blaine,” he says softly to focus Blaine’s attention. “Tell me what happened.”

Blaine opens his eyes again and sighs heavily. Kurt can’t imagine how much of a headache he must have right now.

“We started arguing about stuff…. stupid little things at first, you know? I haven’t been very good to him, Kurt. I was really messed up about our fight and I just...I hate that I feel like I’m losing you.”

“Shhh,” Kurt sooths him, feeling the bitter taste of guilt. He shouldn’t have avoided him after their fight. Is he ever going to get anything right with Blaine? “You’re not. We’re best friends, we fight. That doesn’t change anything.”

“I know, I just... I felt like shit and he was at the stage where he was just looking for things to fight over and he found an empty wine bottle in the trash. You know he can’t stand alcohol. I sort of had a couple drinks. You weren’t answering me and I just wanted to forget everything for awhile. He wanted to know why I hid it from him, why I felt the need to get drunk in the first place, and then we were fighting about you and he said....” Blaine tappers off, an ashamed look on his face like he’s afraid that he’s said too much or of saying something that might hurt Kurt.

“It’s okay. I know what he thinks of me, and he can think what he wants.” Kurt doesn’t bother keeping the anger out of his voice. He and Jeremiah can’t stand each other but they had come to an unspoken truce for Blaine’s sake. Kurt refrains from voicing his real feelings on the ass (well, most of the time) because he knows Blaine really cares about him and how Kurt feels shouldn’t have any bearing on that. Now he’s thinking it had been a mistake. He’s thinking that no matter what he’s never letting Blaine get within ten feet of Jeremiah ever again.

“Yeah. He didn’t exactly hold back,” Blaine continues, sounding a little more coherent now. Kurt notices his eyes look more focused too. “Maybe it was wrong considering I’ve basically been ignoring him and moping around for days but he had no right to say the things he said. They made me so... just...I was angry! At everything. I started to defend you, and the fight just escalated from there, and we were screaming at each other and I just couldn’t stand being like that, so I turned my back on him for a split second and he just lost it I guess. He smashed the wine bottle over the side of my head like something out of the three stooges. Only it hurt like hell. They never look like they get hurt. I stormed out...he’s probably really worried right now”

“You’re worried about him?”Kurt shouts in a mixture of anger and shock. He sees Blaine wince slightly, but he goes on, unable to believe that even now Blaine won’t think of himself. “That asshole could have killed you Blaine!”

Blaine rolls his eyes as if Kurt’s just being melodramatic.

“The bottle didn’t even break.” Kurt wants to shake him.

“He could have killed you!” Kurt persists, enunciating each word, his heart pounding against his rib cage. “One of my clients….I mean...a guy I’ve sealed a contract with,” Kurt can’t even feel too alarmed at the near slip he’s so shaken by Blaine’s condition and the fear that comes with knowing something could have happened to him. “His partner’s in jail for manslaughter! He caught a guy on the wrong place and killed him on the spot! Do not pretend like this is normal couple behavior because it damn well isn’t.”

“Alright alright, maybe he could have killed me, but he didn’t. It’s okay Kurt. Everything is okay.” Kurt can’t believe that Blaine’s actually reassuring him. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Blaine looks away, refusing to meet Kurt’s eye. There’s something else there now, another emotion. Kurt knows it a little too well. It’s shame

“I hit him back.”

Now Kurt understands that broken look, and everything in his heart just aches. He knows Blaine, who he is and the way he thinks. This is not something he will forgive of himself easily but Kurt is honestly thankful, because Blaine likes to please too much. Blaine will give everything he’s got, and even things he doesn’t have, to make things okay for everyone else; he could have stayed. He could have let Jeremiah beat on him but he hadn’t. He’s not trapped and for that Kurt couldn't be more thankful. Kurt also knows that Blaine won’t see it this way.

“He hit me with that bottle and there was blood in my eyes and I didn’t think, I just did it. I hit him and he staggered back and we both just stood there... he started crying, Kurt. God I’ve never hated myself so much. I couldn’t...I cant believe I hit my boyfriend. I hit my boyfriend Kurt and I ran away.”

“It’s called self defense Blaine!” It really irritates Kurt sometimes how much of a gentleman Blaine can be, in many ways he’s very old fashioned. “He’s not some hysterical chick throwing dishes at you in a movie. This is real life. Your life! He could have knocked you out cold! Or even blinded you if he’d got glass in your eyes! You should have kicked his ass.”

“I’m not like that Kurt, and I know you’re not either! You don’t go around hitting your boyfriends, I’m not going to be that man!”

“For god’s sake I’m not trying to goad you into being an abusive boyfriend! All I’m saying is that you can’t beat yourself up over defending yourself. What if he had come at you with a knife, or whatever other dangerous object he just felt like hitting you with? Defending yourself when someone attacks you is a natural instinct, a reflex that you have no control over, even frightened animals do it.”

“I’m not a frightened animal! I’m a human being and I just punched my boyfriend.” Blaine retorts hotly. “Excuse me if I don’t want those kinds of instincts.”

“Clearly he hit you a little too hard,” Kurt responds dubiously as he fetches his first aid kit and a bowl of warm water from the kitchen. “I think I should take you to a doctor.”

“No. Please... too many questions. I know it sounds nuts but I think he scared himself more than he scared me. The way that he was crying, Kurt.... I can’t explain it. We’re all allowed one mistake right? You got plenty of second chances when we were together.”

“Yeah well, I don’t recall ever physically assaulting you, though I’m seriously tempted to now.” Kurt snorts indignantly as he mixes Dettol with the warm water. He doesn’t brother protesting that Blaine hasn't said anything about leaving Jeremiah, because Blaine’s not like that. He doesn’t quit anything lightly. While there’s nothing Kurt would like more than to keep Jeremiah far away from Blaine, Blaine’s commitment is one of the things he loves about him.

He can’t demand him to go against what he believes in, what Kurt so admires about him. But god, how everything inside him aches right now, it’s so sharp edged it rumbles like hunger pains in his gut. He wants so much better for him, for them both.

“Chin up,” Kurt instructs, his voice gentle despite the storm inside. He tentatively touches the side of Blaine’s face with the damp cotton wool, muttering words of apology as Blaine inhales sharply. “I’m sorry. That burns I know. Shhhhhhh. It’s okay. It will be fine in a minute.” Kurt speaks low and soft, dabbing with one hand and rubbing comforting circles on Blaine’s chest with the other. Blaine watches him in silence, bracing against the pain and leaning into Kurt’s touch.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you before on the phone. I didn’t mean what I said,” Blaine whispers so softly that Kurt almost doesn’t hear him. Kurt pulls away from his face for a few seconds.

“Yes you did. You were hurt and in shock and I should have just forgotten about work. I’m sorry that I pushed you to it. And not just for this time Blaine. I’m sorry for every time.” Kurt can hear a crack in his voice and he thinks his hands may have started to shake but when Blaine takes the hand Kurt has on Blaine’s chest in his, everything inside Kurt seems to calm.

He manages to clean away the dried blood, and is thankful to see that there doesn’t appear to be any shards of glass embedded in Blaine’s skin. The swelling has started to go down but the massive bruise is all the more evident. Kurt passes him a cloth soaked in witch hazel which will hopefully prevent the bruise from getting out of hand.

“So what’s the verdict doc, am I fixed?” Blaine asks softly, relaxing into the couch.

“You’ll do,” Kurt whispers, a lump unexpectedly forming in his throat as he looks upon the battered face of his rock, the person who has always looked out for him, always seemed so certain even when neither of them know what the hell they are doing. What happens next happens in slow motion and yet Kurt can do nothing to stop it; his bottom lip starts to tremble, his eyes start to burn and before he can stop it he’s bursting into tears.

Blaine’s eyes widen at this outburst, clearly perplexed by the sudden show of raw emotion and not knowing quite what to say. In all honesty neither does Kurt, nor can he quite put his finger on just why he’s breaking now when he’s been so strong for so long and Blaine has done nothing to push him away.

“Kurt?!” Blaine asks in alarm as Kurt sobs uncontrollably; god only knows what he looks like. He used to cry all the time when he was growing up, he’d felt things so strongly back then. He doesn’t quite know when that had stopped, when the tears had dried up, but they’re pouring now, like Blaine has never seen them do before.

“Kurt.” All Blaine says is his name over and over again as he holds Kurt to him as if the circle of his arms can hold Kurt together, as if he can speak him into happiness just by invoking his name. It’s reminiscent of when they were dating and they used to curl up on their ratty old couch with a giant blanket for the closeness, just to keep warm when they couldn’t afford central heating. Blaine holds him and slowly Kurt’s sobs subside.

“What’s wrong?’ Blaine asks gently as Kurt rests his head on Blaine’s shoulder, inhaling the scent that is quintessentially him. Kurt can’t help but feel this is incredibly messed up, that he should be the one comforting Blaine and not the other way round. “My face is that bad is it?”

Kurt manages to laugh, shaking his head and inadvertently wiping his nose on Blaine’s shirt. Blaine doesn’t seem to mind.

“Don’t ever leave me!” It comes out without thought.

There it is; the source of the tears. Although Blaine seems fine, Jeremiah could just as easily have killed him, albeit accidentally, and Kurt realizes that if he lost Blaine, who would he have? His family lives in Lima, their friends from college are scattered all across the US and the only other people with whom he has any sort of regular contact with are those with Cheerios and his clients.

He realizes now with some fear that Blaine’s the only one he’s ever Kurt around anymore. Blaine knows him. Blaine has always known him. That is until he started hiding himself, keeping away, pushing away. Kurt has to tell him the truth he has to, but if he loses him….will Kurt fade away? Will he just be Porcelain?

He’s shaking like a leaf.

See nervous break down. He’d predicted it.

Blaine’s hands have stilled their calming strokes. Kurt listens to the sound of him breathing until
the silence is too much. He peeks up at Blaine to find him looking down at him with an intense look that Kurt doesn’t have a name for.

“I’m not leaving you Kurt. I thought about it when we broke up. I thought about it again after we had that stupid fight, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it either of those times. You’re my friend and friends don’t abandon each other for being human.” He says and relief washes over Kurt. “But you need to stop pushing me away. I know you have Kurt. We broke up and it was like you didn’t believe I meant it when I said I still cared about you. And now…you work all hours of the day and night, you take yourself off randomly all the time and I’ve got no idea where you are. You’re in a different bed every week, you don’t sleep and you eat too little…. and there’s something else”

Blaine has Kurt’s full attention, Kurt sits up between his open legs and stares intently at him.

“What do you mean?”

Blaine sighs tiredly, rubbing his eyes before looking back at Kurt. “I don’t know Kurt, but I know you and something isn’t right with you; you’re keeping secrets.”

‘I’m a whore!’

His mind screams it. If there was ever a golden opportunity for Kurt to tell him about his real job then it’s right now.

“You’re right,” Kurt admits quietly. “But I can’t tell you. Not yet.” Not right now when they’re closer than they’ve been in years. Kurt can’t bear to lose him right now.

“You can trust me Kurt,” Blaine entreats softly, brushing an errant strand of hair away from Kurt’s eyes.

Kurt smiles tenderly at him, his insides warming. He doesn’t mind when Blaine touches his hair.

“I do.”

Blaine looks as if he’s going to continue pressing the matter, so Kurt playfully puts his finger on his lips to stop him, and he sucks in a breath as Blaine kisses the tip. For a moment neither of them move, then Blaine kisses his wrist. Their eyes lock,and they hold each others gaze for several heart pounding seconds until the tension becomes too much and Blaine draws Kurt in by the wrist he still holds.

Kurt’s eyes close as their lips meet, instantly remembering what Blaine’s lips feel like, he even remembers his taste like it was only yesterday. This kiss though, this kiss is different from all the others that they’ve shared, from any kiss Kurt has ever had. It’s soft and tender, and even as his body quakes beneath its onslaught he knows that it won’t lead to anything else. It’s a kiss for the sake of kissing, for the sake of loving, and it’s becoming wet as Kurt starts crying again.

Gone are the sloppy, bruising, kisses from their past. No banging noses and teeth, no leaving scratch marks as they desperately try and rip each other’s clothes off.

Of all the hot and heady kisses they have strewn in their past it’s this kiss Kurt knows he’ll be searching for in his memory for all of the days to come. It makes him wish that more of their kisses could have been like this, that he had thousands and thousands of kisses like it stored up from happy years together.

Blaine rests his forehead against Kurt as they finally part, breathing heavily.

“Kurt?” Blaine whispers almost non audibly. It sounds like a question and it could be one of many. What have they done? Where do they go from here? What about Jeremiah?

Maybe it’s because of Jeremiah that Kurt doesn’t consider that ‘do you love me’ is also a question, but more likely he’s too shaken to even consider it as a possibility. Breaking apart isn’t an easy thing. He just wants to put himself back together again.

“Stay,” Kurt whispers in response before laying down on the couch and pulling Blaine down on top of him so that they settle tucked against each other. “I won’t tell Jeremiah.”

They aren’t going to have sex but Kurt has just discovered something earth shaking. Some things are more intimate than sex. Maybe in the morning there will be some regret. Maybe he’ll regret that they didn’t take things further, that despite all that’s happened Blaine will still go back to his boyfriend come morning. Perhaps Kurt will regret letting him go and subjecting himself to the feeling of longing increasing ever more and ever more inside. Right now though, he’s just happy to be held.

***********************

“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex asks as he re-enters the bedroom carrying two mugs of tea. Unlike his other clients Kurt knows without a doubt that Alex will never touch him unless Kurt specifically asks for it, even though they have fucked before and Kurt would not necessarily consider it a trial to do so again.

Kurt knows what Alex is doing. The conversations, the walks, the dinners out; all of it is some misguided attempt to woo him. It’s all so Pretty Woman, and while it will never go anywhere Kurt is more and more thankful for it. His appointments with Alex are enjoyable at least, and he doesn’t have to fight to pretend like he wants to be there. And besides, Kurt is astute enough to know that Alex needs this more than he does.

He and Alex have so much in common, most notably their tragic luck with romance. While Kurt can accept that his is largely self inflicted, poor Alex just seems to have some sort of curse on his head. There is Ricky, the booty call of nearly a year who’d ended things when his oblivious girlfriend got pregnant, and before that was the guy that Kurt has coined in his head as ‘the great and one true love’.

It sounds to Kurt like something out of a movie but he can’t help but get lost in the story when Alex finally tells it. He’d been 27, just a year older than Kurt is now, visiting the place where he’d grown up after years away. Late one night he’d happened upon a group of teenage punks roughing another kid up. After calling the police he’d gone himself to try and scare them off (and lucky for him these particular kind of punks weren’t so hard they didn’t care who they hurt or whether or not they got caught doing it).

The teenager he’d helped that night had lingered in his mind. There was only one hospital nearby, so Alex had gone there to see what kind of condition the boy was in. Kurt really likes Alex but he thinks someone needs to protect him from himself because he’s like Blaine, he can’t say no to someone hurting, and he’d been unable to say no to a seventeen year-old street kid no matter how ill advised it might have been.

There had been nothing sexual about it at first. Alex was wealthy, his family was important in the town (they owned half of it) so he had the resources to help the boy get a job, and he’d encouraged him to finish high school and consider college. They communicated through phone and email mostly, as Alex had still primarily lived and worked out of London.

The boy hadn’t gone to college immediately after high-school. He’d said he wanted time to work and figure out what he wanted to do with his life, but Alex had known it was more about pride. He didn’t want to be a charity case, and that Alex could respect. He’d invited him to come and work in London as a part time clerk for his company and the boy had come and they had begun to know each other beyond what short emails and phone calls on birthdays could produce.

The rest I’m sure you can guess. They fell in love and after some brief resistance on Alex’s part they’d moved in together. They’d been together romantically for four short years when Alex had come home one day and found a suicide note explaining that the man he loved had been living a double life, that he’d struggled with multiple addictions since he was a teenager and he’d been too ashamed to admit it.

He’d tried to quit, and when he couldn’t he’d tried to keep it from effecting Alex and their relationship. That of course failed, and when he’d seen how all of the secrecy and the drugs were effecting Alex, he’d decided Alex would be a lot better off never having stumbled upon him, and would be happier altogether if he was gone.

Kurt is not such a cynic that he doesn’t believe in love as a whole, he’d have to be pretty blind not to see it all around him. His father had loved his mother, and now he loves Carol. Regina loves Tyler, Elaine and Mitchell love each other; Kurt has plenty of healthy examples of love. It just seems to him that for every example of love that works there are seven more of love that doesn’t. He just wishes everyone would stop going on about it like it has any surety to it, because from what he can see it just doesn’t. Love breaks, love fades, and love dies. Just like people.

Kurt has lost someone to death before, he understands the crippling power of it, the loss, and the fact that no matter how much you love someone there’s no changing it. He can’t imagine not knowing where or how someone you loved had taken their own life, having to accept such a loss with no body to mourn over, no body to plead with. No time to come to terms with it, or say goodbye. Of course Alex had waited, even though police found nothing, he’d waited hoping that Aaron had been unable to go through with it and that someday he’d find his way home again but after years, four of them to be exact, even that hope had died.

Kurt knows exactly what Alex sees when he looks at him, why Alex feels the need to try and save him. Kurt doesn’t need saving but Alex needs the chance to do what he couldn’t do for his Aaron.

“Kurt?” Alex holds the tea out to him.

Kurt takes the brew and shifts over on the bed. “My thoughts? Well they’re kind of everywhere right now... just thinking about Ben,” Kurt answers him. As open as he is with Alex they both understand that Kurt needs to protect the people he loves. His refusal to involve Blaine in his work has taken whole new levels now that he and Alex are sharing their personal lives; for some reason the name Ben came to mind, and now Kurt always calls him that. Alex understands the need for codes. “We kissed last night.”

Alex’s eyes widen in surprise; he knows all about Blaine, including his relationship with Jeremiah. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt shrugs.

“I don’t know if there’s anything to talk about. Although sometimes…..sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we got back together, which is ridiculous considering he doesn’t know what I do for a living and if we were together I still don’t think I could stop. He’d hate that. I remember all the good times, and how it felt and last night... I’d be lying if I said it didn’t mean anything to me or that I didn’t want things.....” Kurt sighs, he doesn’t mind talking about his feelings. He just wishes they weren’t reducing him to tears all the time lately.

When he has collected himself he goes on, “but then I remember all the bad times too, and there were a lot. I was a terrible boyfriend, there’s no other way to put it, and I don’t think I’d be any better now. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’ve grown up since then, but I can’t exactly say I wouldn’t cheat again because my job would quickly make a liar out of me, wouldn’t it?”

“I find it difficult to believe that you could be anything other than the ideal boyfriend.” Alex reassures, patting Kurt’s arm.

“We only lasted six months, and I’m surprised he didn’t break up with me after two,” Kurt admits, returning to the subject of Blaine. He looks away, not wanting to look into Alex’s kind green eyes as he inevitably shatters whatever illusions Alex has about him being some innocent victim. “He scared me. I realize that now, but back then... I don’t know. I just liked to push him. I used to pressure him to experiment sexually. I never forced him into anything but I wasn’t always kind or subtle about the fact that I thought he was ridiculously prudish, that he was silly and vanilla. I used to tease him about it and I wasn’t being playful. I was pushing him and if he ever called me on it I’d tell him to stop being so oversensitive, that I wanted a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. I kept expecting him to get fed up. We fought, but he would always man up at the end. He’d always be right there willing to forget and move forward and I needed him too much.”

Yes. Too, too much.

“I started to drink and to turn up back at our place at 2am wanting sex, then when he’d tell me he wouldn’t while I was drunk I’d start in again on how he was such a girl about things, how it was unfair of him to ask me not to screw anyone else when he clearly wasn’t interested in doing it himself. I was demanding and selfish and nasty and scared... just so god damn scared.” Kurt remembered. He marveled. “And despite all of those things, we could be so good to each other. So good for each other. We had a big fight just after Christmas. We’d spent time with both our families and the whole holiday we hadn’t fought once. It was wonderful. Like something out of a Hallmark card, snow and silver bells and cuddling by the fire. My stepbrother said we looked married. I couldn’t believe it. Me married to vanilla Ben who still blushed when someone even mentioned sex.”

“And that’s when you ran I take it.” Alex presses gently. “Did you love him?”

Kurt unconsciously moves closer to Alex, trusting Alex not to judge him.

“Yes.” He admits the truth this time, simply and honestly. “Though I couldn’t admit it to myself until spring. He was trying to get me to do community theater. I wanted to do it but I was afraid of liking it to much, of getting my hopes up for things that were out of my reach. Do you know what that’s like? I’ve been doing it my whole life, ever since I was kid, wanting things.” Kurt wipes his cheeks and tries to stop crying; he’s so sick of crying.

“People don’t understand how much it hurts to be continually crushed, to be the one who doesn’t get, just because you’re different. Well I grew up, and I stopped believing in fairy tales and that stupid stupid lie that love just comes if you wait and that it will fix everything. So yeah... he loved me and I loved him but the reality was we were two different people, and we were young and it was stupid to think that just because we loved each other that things were going to be okay. We were going to hurt each other sooner or later. So, I thought why drag it out? What’s the god damn point? I slept with someone else, and you know what? I was right. He left me. It was quick and it was clean and it only would have been worse if we’d gone on longer. Acting like we were married.” Kurt scoffs. “We were kids. As if we’d even have a clue how to manage spending a lifetime together when we couldn’t manage more than six months. It...it was just so stupid.”

Alex doesn’t say anything, and from the reflection in the mirror Kurt can see that he’s in deep thought.

“You need to talk to him,” Alex tells Kurt finally. It has taken a lot for him to say that. Kurt knows that Alex is bent in ways that no one can fix and that Kurt’s struggle is something he needs to focus on to forget his own pain. If Kurt quits he has no doubt that Alex will be happy for him, mission accomplished, damsel in distress saved; but that Alex himself will once again be alone. Alex holds out hope that one day Kurt might love him, but Kurt knows he won’t and not just because of Blaine. Alex loves Aaron, and Alex saving Kurt will not change the fact that Alex loves Aaron and couldn’t save him.

It’s inevitable though that one day Kurt will stop escorting; either because he gets too old or he wants to settle down and retire, or he might even just wake up one morning and decide that he’s had enough. He used to think that was unlikely but now. Now he’s not so sure.

“Do I have to?” he moans, covering his face with a plush pillow. “Can’t I just continue pretending that everything’s hunky dory?”

“That’s cute.” Alex laughs as Kurt throws the pillow at him. “But everything isn’t hunky dory, is it? I’m not telling the pair of you to get back together, but you always said that the one and only thing you hate about escorting is the secrecy.”

“He’d hate me,” Kurt tells him vehemently, shaking his head. He couldn’t bear Blaine hating him; he can’t bear it when he’s mildly pissed at him because he calls him in the middle of The Apprentice`. “He’s so….moral. I’m telling you he’d look at me with those sad eyes and ask me why and just hate the fact that I don’t mind using my body this way. It’s really annoying.”

“Yeah those people with principles are the worst, aren’t they?” Alex chuckles sarcastically. “Even so, doesn’t he deserve to know what’s going on in his best friend’s life? And if he does end up hating you, which I can’t personally believe, then maybe he isn’t your best friend after all.”

Kurt glares but Alex continues regardless. “If he cares about you as much as you care about him then he’ll accept it. It might be hard for him to come to terms with, and he’ll probably never truly understand, but the people who love you accept who you are even when they don’t understand it. If you truly believe he loves you then you have to trust that, you owe him that. Aaron...Aaron didn’t trust me to accept who he really was, and we both lost.”

On some occasions Kurt feels like he should be paying Alex, because he’s the perfect listener and at times like this he offers Kurt as much comfort as Kurt does him.

“I’ll talk to him” Kurt promises. “Not right away, but soon. He’s having boyfriend issues and I don’t want to add to his problems. Plus it might actually be good to decide what it is that I actually want.”

“There you go.” Alex smiles, and Kurt leans forward and captures his lips in a sweet kiss. Not because he feels like Alex is expecting it and not only because he’s absolutely gorgeous, but because Alex deserves it. He wishes he could be what Alex truly needs but life and love are not fair minded task masters.

As Alex sleeps peacefully Kurt thinks about what he knows is coming all to soon. The moment he reveals the truth of who he is to one of the most important people in his life. His mind wanders somewhat irrationally to all the possible outcomes of his telling his best friend that he’s not an purchasing agent, but a hooker.

Blaine is disgusted, vows never to speak to him again and tells all their friends and family out of spite.

Blaine is disgusted, he grants Kurt a small mercy and doesn’t tell a soul but still never speaks to him again.

Blaine is disgusted, they stay in touch but their friendship never recovers and they drift apart.

Blaine is disgusted, they remain best friends but he becomes scary and unbalanced as a result of being the best friend of a whore.

Blaine is anything but disgusted, but becomes scary as he actually likes the idea of being best friends with a whore.

Blaine is anything but disgusted and offers to join in, pro bono. Kurt chuckles into his pillow at the ridiculous idea.

Blaine is anything but disgusted and offers to join in, making more money than Kurt. Not as crazy as it sounds. Blaine is gorgeous, he could totally make a killing in this business.

Blaine is anything but disgusted and they carry on as normal. Only no more secrets, no more lies.

Kurt can admit the first one is unlikely, Blaine may be a lot of things but cruel and spiteful he is not. The next three seem equally possible where as possibilities 5-8 vary in credibility from ‘no way’ to ‘seriously no fucking way.’ Obviously the last option is what he’s hoping for, but he’s cynical to a fault and knows the likelihood of that happening is slim. It’s a huge thing to digest; it was difficult enough for Kurt when he first started working, even with all his understanding of the industry. But dare he hope? Keeping it to himself will drive him mad. Keeping it to himself is not fair. Not if he trusts that Blaine loves him.

This would be a lot easier if Kurt didn’t have such a hard time putting his trust in love.

TBC