2

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I cant find no rest
Where Im going is anybodys guess

The first hours were the worst. If Blaine had thought packing his things had been hard, taking off his ring had nearly killed him. He missed that ring now.. it was like hed removed a fundamental part of himself. A kidney, his lungs... his heart would be the most accurate comparison, because the problem wasnt not loving Kurt, Blaines feelings for his husband were strong and unchangeable. The problem was the wall built between them, and his inability to trust their relationship.

For the first time, he couldnt see a future with Kurt, he didnt see a nice house, their future kids, or the two men at the end of their long, happy lives, still together. What he could see was sadness, long days and even longer nights by himself stretching out before him endlessly. That was the reason hed left his ring behind, because there was no meaning left in the promises they had made when they said "I do."

Making himself walk out the door had been worse. He knew Kurt would be home in a couple of days and he could picture the look on his husbands face when he discovered Blaines absence. But Blaine knew he had to do it, for himself, and for both of them. They had lost their way somehow and their relationship had morphed into something that it shouldnt have been, a dead, empty shell of what had once been a great love.

He turned around, looking one last time at the empty house, his eyes dropping to the small table in the living room. The picture of their wedding was still there, he had moved it from the bedroom one night when the absence of Kurt had been too much to bear. He kept it close to his heart while watching their favorite TV show, trying to bring back some of the happiness he felt the day they were married.

He wanted to go back to that feeling.

He wanted the days spent in bed, eating junk food and watching stupid reality TV. He wanted back the absolute certainty of forever. Without thinking it over too much, he took the photo-frame in his hands. Maybe, having something reminding him of what they were would have helped him find his way back. Then with a final sigh, Blaine was out the door.

The journey to Kates apartment was long and unbearable. Blaine counted, one by one, the miles separating him from his home, but he knew in his heart, it was the right thing to do. They needed time.

The look his assistant gave him, opening the door, was sad and understanding at the same time. “Blaine.”

“I need a place to stay for a while,” he said keeping his eyes on the floor.

“Come on in,” Kate muttered grabbing one of his bags. She lead him to the couch, sitting down right beside him. “What happened?”

He could tell she was concerned, it was a show of affection he wasnt sure he could handle. “I left, ” his answer was straight, simple, and it would have been enough, but he went on.

“He didnt come home for Christmas.” Blaine could feel Kates eyes on him. “He sent me a text, telling me he wouldnt make it,” he explained with a sarcastic laugh, “God, weve been together fourteen years, and he used a text to tell me he wouldnt come home for Christmas. Like he was asking me to buy coffee or something else as trivial.”

“Oh Blaine-” She cooed sympathetically.

“I know” he cut her off. “I know you warned me. I know I should have talked to him about it before, and made him understand how Ive been feeling. But I didnt think... I'd never thought wed end like this. I couldnt have imagine that I'd be left alone.” He rubbed his palms against his eyes to shake the tiredness away. They were dry. It was strange how in the worst moment of his life, he had become numb.

Kate slid closer to him, taking his hand. “I wasnt about to say that,” she insisted, “have you called him, have you talked to him?”

“No” he answered honestly, trying to convince himself that he had made the right choice. “No, I couldnt. It hurts too much. I would hurt him by saying things I dont mean.”

“Or that you dont want to mean..” she trailed off.

“Kate..” he warned.

“Blaine please, listen to me." She said, not allowing any room for him to argue. “I know you love Kurt. I know your story, and Ive witnessed some of the most important moments of your life. But hes being a coward! You were alone on Christmas, we both know that is not something the Kurt you fell in love with would ever let happen.”

They fell silent. Blaine knew she was right, yet he couldnt force himself to face his husband. “I dont have the strength to talk to him,” he whispered, his gaze not wavering from Kates eyes. “I'm scared. I dont want to rush into things, just because I'm hurting.”

“Like leaving home?”

“No, like letting him go forever.” It was terrifying. Knowing that in that moment, in his mind, leaving Kurt forever was the right thing to do, something hed never imagined happening. He closed his eyes, trying to move past that moment, to be strong. But then he felt arms around him, hugging him, and it was enough to make him let go. He cried for his marriage, for Kurt, for their love. He cried for those months of loneliness hed spent trying to be strong. Now that the dam had broke, every emotion was rushing out of him, leaving him breathless and without strength. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry...” he mumbled again and again.

Kates voice was the only thing able to break through the hurt that was fogging his heart. “Its going to be ok, youll see. Youll fix this, I promise.” It was too hard to believe those words. He couldnt, not then when he was one step away from the end of his marriage and his heart was naked and vulnerable.

He couldnt tell how long they stayed there, hugged tight around each other, his tears flowing freely. But somehow, the hurt he was feeling changed. It became more tolerable, less raw. Constant and strong but over all less detrimental. “Thank you for being here for me.” He said softly, it was less than a whisper and lost in a sea of heart-wrenching sobs.

“Dont be silly, Blaine." Kate said soothingly, “Youre my best friend. Ill stand by you, no matter what.”

Somehow, that statement calmed him enough so he understood. He wasnt alone, and he was grateful for that. For having someone to count on in the next few days, while waiting for Kurt to find out that hed moved out. He knew hed have to call his husband, to tell him that he was OK, but for now, it was over. He knew Kurt would understand, sooner or later. Because no matter what, he was still the person who knew Blaine better than anyone else in the world and he would understand that Blaine staying would have been worse. It was so much better this way, it was better for him to take some time to consider what to do. There was no need for feelings of hopelessness yet. Although that knowledge didnt stop him from locking himself in the room he was staying in to cry the last tears he had left.