4

It used to seem we were number one

But now it sounds so far away

I had a dream we were running from

Some blazing arrows yesterday

There was something in that little corner of Central Park that used to calm him down.

Maybe it was the silence of the early morning hours, when even “the city that never sleeps” seemed to take a moment just to breathe. A moment of rest.

Maybe it was the sound of the wind, rushing through the trees, light and delicate. Always there, always consistent.

Blaine used to love that place, that bench. He'd spent long hours sitting there, just enjoying himself and his life. Alone or with Kurt, drinking coffee or reading the paper, trying to figure out his problems.

That spot had a special place in his heart, it was like a magical place, hidden in the heart of the city, where anything could happen.

And yet, that morning, even his beloved bench couldn't weave its spell.

It'd been two weeks since the last time he'd spoken to Kurt. Long days spent in a constant mix of frustration and anger, and in between crying and desperation, there was loneliness.

He'd never felt so bad. He'd never thought he would lose so much.

The first days after that phone call had been terrible, trying so hard to stop himself from calling Kurt again.

He'd spent those days in bed, trying to survive the hurt he was feeling. Waiting for it to become tolerable.

But it hadn't been enough. It was clear to Blaine, that the only way to be able to move on was to see his husband again. To talk to him, and clear things up once and for all. Saying the things they hadn't said in the year they'd been apart.

“I noticed you didn't have your coffee.”

Kurt's voice brought him out of his reverie. He lift his gaze from the ground.

It had been so long since he'd seen him and the image of his husband finally in front of him took his breath away.

Kurt didn't look much better than him. He had red-rimmed eyes, his face was even paler than usual. He was so close. Close enough for him to touch, close enough that he could reach his hand out and take Kurt's. Close enough to hug and to kiss.

He reached for the cup of coffee Kurt was handing him, being careful of not touching his fingers. He wasn't sure it was something he could handle.

He noticed Kurt was still wearing their ring. In a moment of extreme cynicism, he asked himself for how long that would be.

“Thanks,” he muttered. He didn't have the courage to look him in the eyes. He could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, and his hands sweating. He could feel Kurt's proximity in his veins, it was like finally having oxygen in his blood.

He kept silent watching Kurt sitting by his side.

He could feel the anger rising again, they'd been together for more than a decade, and yet they didn't know what to say to each other.

When the silence became unbearable, Kurt cleared his throat.

“It's nice to see you” he started, then stopped.

They both knew it was a rehearsed speech. Kurt had probably tried every possible phrase in his mind on the way there. Blaine knew him. He could tell when his husband was forcing himself to talk.

He decided to ignore Kurt's gesture of politeness, and try with honesty.

“I wasn't sure, it was the right thing to do. Seeing each other again” he explained. He heard Kurt's breath catch and start again, faster than before. “But I was reaching the breaking point. Everything was getting worse. Every little problem seemed tenfold in my mind, impossible to fix,” he continued looking right in front of him. “I needed to see you. I needed to know... to know where we are, what we are. If there's anything left to save.”

He turned his gaze to Kurt, who was watching now with tear-filled eyes.

“Blaine...”

Blaine shook his head. He needed to talk. To say what was in his heart, before he lost his thoughts in a thousand different feelings.

“Right now, I feel like it's all over,” he went on. “I can't see a future, I don't have any hope. I lost faith in what we were.” He closed his eyes, trying to control himself. “I don't have faith in our love anymore.” He whispered, almost broken. “I wish I was able to yell at you, to be furious. I wish I could bring myself to care enough to cry and hate you. Because even that, right now, would be better than this numbness that's lived inside of me for the past months.” He took a breath, then another. “These weeks have been hell, Kurt. They've taken everything I had. There's nothing but this huge void inside of me. Sometimes it seems to take your shape,” he kept his gaze on a woman who was jogging in front of them, following her with his eyes until she was out of sight. “I watched A Christmas Carol on Christmas. I was sitting on our love-seat, under our favorite blanket, and every minute that ticked by, seemed to solidify in my heart that our marriage was over. You probably didn't even notice,” he shot with a sarcastic laugh. “You were having fun, with the very people you said were petty. Which reminds me,” he said, his voice now flat. “Someone was kind enough to post some pictures of that night on your page. You seemed to be having fun. Lots of drinks, lots of people. I thought you had work, but I guess I was wrong, right?”

He stopped, waiting for an answer.

Kurt was watching him. He seemed ready to flee.

“Wasn't I?” he asked again. “Didn't you have fun that night, Kurt?”

“Blaine..” Kurt whispered. “I will never forgive myself for that. For leaving you alone. I've been a coward, I know. I didn't want to face our problems so...”

“So?” Blaine stopped him. “You thought attending a party while I was waiting for you at home would be the right thing to do.”

“I didn't know you didn't go to my parents house, I was convinced you were in Lima,” Kurt tried to defend himself.

“Like I could have borne their pitying looks. Like I could have spent Christmas with a family that was not mine anymore,” he whispered.

Kurt didn't seem to get the point. It wasn't just that he'd been left alone, but that Kurt had took away from him the only family he'd ever had.

Because he knew, there was no amount of love, that would keep Burt and Carol in his life, once their marriage was over.

“Blaine, look at me, please.” It was no more than a whisper, but even with all the hurt he'd been feeling he couldn't keep himself from doing as Kurt asked.

“Burt and Carol are your family-- I am your family. Even if right now, it doesn't feel like it. I know I made a mistake, but we can still fix this.”

Blaine closed his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to believe him. That there was still a chance for them. But months of loneliness and hurt had taken the strength away from him.

He knew he was a different man now, he didn't see things the same way, he didn't want to love anymore.

“I'm not trying to hurt you,” Blaine said then. “It's the last thing I'd want, no matter what. But I need to tell you this. I need for you to hear it, because we can't move on unless we put what we feel out in the open.” He sighed looking Kurt straight in the eyes. “Our marriage is over.”

“No, Blaine. Please.” Kurt's voice was broken, tearful. It broke Blaine's heart. “I don't know who I am without you.”

Blaine put his hand against Kurt's cheek, drying his tears.

“We'll find our way, Kurt” he promised. “You'll see. But to be us again, I have to be myself first. And I have to do this on my own.”

“No, no Blaine please” Kurt sobbed. “What you need to do, is to come back home and face our problems.”

Blaine recoiled.

“Like you did?” he asked.

Kurt shook his head. “Just because I made a mistake it doesn't mean you have to do the same. You say I left you alone, but you're doing the same. You gave up, Blaine, and you can't put all the blame on me for that.”

Blaine knew he was right. “I should have talked to you” he admitted then. “You started this thing, but I didn't fight it. And this is not me. I don't know who I am anymore” he whispered, letting go for the first time of the tears he'd tried to hold.

Showing his feelings for the first time in front of his husband.

Then the silence fell between them. When Kurt tried to take his hand he stood up.

He knew there was more to say, and more to face, but he just couldn't anymore.

With a last look to the man he'd love above anything else, he turned around and left, without looking back.