10

Ive been alone,
Surrounded by darkness.
Ive seen how heartless
The world can be.

Ive seen you crying,
You felt like its hopeless.
Ill always do my best
To make you see

Baby, youre not alone

The nightmares began a couple of days after he went home.

At first confused, unfocused, but full of fear. Then more vivid, darker. Unbearable.

They came out of now-where, often when things during the day had been somehow good. When he was more fragile, almost vulnerable to pain and hurt, the walls around him would get closer together, the darkness thicker and unreadable. The air would fill with tension and fear. Then he would come.

His attacker, his tormentor. The man whod reduced him like this. He didnt have a face in the dream, just a shadow, hidden in the darkness.

Those were the nights Blaine would wake up shaken and trembling. His fists rigid in horror.

Hed been able to hide them for days.

Kurt had been caring but guarded around him and Blaine didnt want to put more pressure on them. Theyd talked a lot during those days, bringing out all the honesty they could find.

But at night, he would do his best to muffle the scream that built inside of him while he shook himself awake out of his nightmare.

It happened that night too. He was there again, the man, to finish the job hed started weeks before.

Blaine knew it. He knew he was dreaming. He knew that if hed only opened his eyes, hed find himself in the comfort of his bedroom. The covers drenched in sweat, his eyes filled with tears.

But even that knowledge didnt prevent him to stay paralyzed while the man got closer. A knife in his hand. In the dream Blaine didnt have enough strength to fight; he couldnt defend himself from what was to come.

Suddenly a pair of hands grabbed him and even in his dreams he knew who they belonged to.

"Blaine" a voice whispered. And he wished he could pay attention to that voice, but the man in his dream was getting stronger, and he was losing his fight again.

"Blaine.." once more, this time stronger. The hands around his arms didnt budge. They shook him again.

"Blaine please open your eyes."

The voice was calling him in. Kurts voice, filled with worry and love.

The man in front of him raise his knife ready to strike. Blaine closed his eyes, then, nothing happened.

He opened them again. His body rigid, shivering with waves of panic, his breathing heavy.

In front of him, the criminal was gone.

Through the haze of the night he could see clearly two irises the color of the sky. The eyes hed always loved so much.

Kurt was saying something, but he couldnt understand what. He couldnt see or think anything beyond the eyes and the voice that had brought him back.

"Blaine please talk to me."

"Kurt" he whispered, almost searching for a hold to the truth. The proof that he was ok, and safe, and on the way to be himself again. He sat in the middle of the bed.

Kurt was in front of him, his face a mask of worry.

He could feel his eyes welling up again. Not in fear this time. It was something deeper even than that. It was sadness, loneliness. A need so deep that left him breathless.

On instincts, he stretched his arms. Kurt remained still, just for a second, the time it took him to convince himself that Blaine was asking for his help, for him.

In a moment, he found himself in his arms. His face hidden against his shoulder, his tears dried by Kurts shirt.

Kurts voice filled the unbearable silence of the room.

"Its going to be fine. Well get through this together, I promise."

Itd been weeks, months, since Kurt had held him like that.

Since the last time hed felt like he really belonged to someone. To his husband.

It came naturally, when he pulled back, touching his lips to the other mans.

A delicate touch, more forceful than any other gesture in the world. He could feel Kurts lips froze, and then come to life again. He felt the hand that had been on his back a second before, moving to cup his cheek wet with tears.

It was so familiar, so perfect and refined with time and practice, and for a moment everything else disappeared.

The hurt, the fear, their problems.

Blaine let himself go.

The kiss tasted like love and tenderness. It tasted like them. Kurt and Blaine. Together no matter what.

Kurt held him closer, encouraged probably by his reaction and Blaine let every other thought go. To hell with everything. With the man whod scared him and scarred him, with the problems with his legs. With their separation…

It was then, with that thought, that he came back to reality. It was like being hit by a tornado in the middle of a summer day. All their problems came back again, entangled together and got more focused and insistent through fog that was clouding his mind.

He pulled back from Kurt, placing a hand on the other mans chest.

"Kurt, Im sorry, but I.." he stopped, his heart broken by the expression on Kurts face.

"I understand" he whispered looking away. "I think itd be better if I went back to sleep. I heard you screaming and I got worried."

He moved to stand up but Blaine stopped him, taking his hand.

"Kurt wait."

"Please Blaine let me go."

He was trying to stop himself from crying and Blaine would have damned himself before he hurt Kurt once again like that. He knew what rejection felt like, and it was something he didnt want between them. Not now, not ever.

"It cant be because of a nightmare" he tried to explain. His voice full of regret.

When Kurt sit back in front of him, he started again.

"Im scared" he admitted. Kurts eyes met his again, surprised by his words. "Its not just because of the beating. Its something deeper, a fear that Ive always carried with me. The fear of not being enough without you. And now, now everything is confused. Because I need you more than ever. I cant find a balance. I dont know how to let you in again, without letting myself being taken over." He took Kurts hand, placing it on his own heart. "Its yours" he promised. "But I dont know how to give it to you, without breaking it again."

"You dont trust me."
"I dont trust us" he clarified. Then he moved, slowly not to harm his legs, and made room on the right side of the bed. He patted the empty space, inviting Kurt to sit beside him. When they were comfortable, Blaine talked again.

"Talk to me about Christmas, Kurt. Let me understand what went wrong."

A moment of silence.

"Do you think this is the right time?" Kurt asked instead. "Its the middle of the night, and youre still recovering from a nightmare."

"This is the perfect moment" he retorted. "Were here, were awake. Its the perfect moment" he said again.

Kurt seemed to be taking a moment to put his thoughts in order. But Blaine knew that insisting was not an option. Kurt would find the moment to talk by himself.

He wasnt disappointed.

"Things were bad between us. We were drifting apart, we werent talking anymore. Every excuse seemed to be ok to stop those awkward phone calls between us" Kurt explained. "And instead of talking, I started avoiding the problem. On my birthday I tried to convince myself that you were not in my thoughts, that you werent waiting for me. I convinced myself that we were over. Then it came December. And I should have come home, but I couldnt. I couldnt see you, and come home to my parents, when I knew.. I knew we werent us anymore. That our future was on the line. So I stalled. I sent you that stupid text and I went down to the office party to forget about us. But the guilt was killing me and your absence was creating a hole in my chest, so I made a ticket to come back home to you. Only you werent there anymore…" he concluded, his voice full of tears. "It was then that I understood that it was really over. And Im sorry" he whispered. "I keep reliving those days in my mind, trying to convince myself that it wasnt me, doing that. But someone else. Someone youve never loved. Because that man, the man that Ive always been, wouldnt have done something like that. He wouldnt have let you go."

"But you did" Blaine answered, looking at him. "And I let you do it" he admitted then. Because it was important for him to take responsibilities for his side and his behavior. It was important for him, that Kurt understood he wasnt the only one in the wrong. "I should have talked" he continued. "I thought I wasnt enough for you. I thought Id be a dead weight on your dreams, on your ambitions. I convinced myself, that if youd left me, there would have been nothing left of me. Everything I am, it comes from you. From our life together. Without you, all theres left is a sixteen years old kid with no one to trust but himself."

"What you forgot, is that its the same for me." Kurts voice showed a sad smile. "Weve grown together. If you dont exist without me, then I dont exist without you."

When he reached for his hand, Blaine took it in his.

"Maybe we shouldnt have brag to Rachel about having jumped the seventh years crisis."

Kurt bit back a smile than burst into a relieved laugh, hiding his face into Blaines neck. Sharing with him the vibrations of his laughter.

Blaine turned his face, kissing his husband temple.

It was nice, he thought, being able to talk with Kurt about the things that had hurt them both.

When the laughter subsided Blaine whispered.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?"

Kurt pulled back, looking him in the eyes, trying probably to read his thoughts.

"It would be nice.. To have you here with me."

Kurt nodded, placing his head against Blaines shoulder again.

Blaine could feel his heartbeat fasten its pace. The mare thought of spending the night again with Kurt, sending him into overdrive.

It was not over yet, and his mind was still filled with doubts, but he couldnt find the strength to stay away from him anymore.

If there was one thing he wanted to learn from the horror hed lived, was the fortune of being able to give a second chance. To Kurt, and to himself.

When they laid down, together under the covers, Blaine didnt move. Didnt get closer; he didnt pulled Kurt to him like he wished to.

But this didnt stop him, when Kurt fell asleep, from searching for his hand in the dark.

And in the silence of the room, surround by darkness, he let himself be lulled by Kurts breathing, into a peaceful sleep.