Flutter-
~

The heart monitor started beeping again, and they all cheered.

All but one.

Even though he was unconscious, a tear managed to work its way from under his left eyelid.

Somehow he knew that he was alive again. Somehow he knew that he should have been feeling happy about it, but he just couldn’t bring himself to be. He had been in pain for such a long time, but when his heart stopped… he had been free.
There had been no pain, no needles jabbing him every day to ‘help ease the pain’.

The last doctor to leave the operating theatre saw the tear, but mistook it for a tear of joy.

“Welcome back, young man.”
And that was all he said, before leaving the room.

His heart beat steadily. Not even his heart quite understood how he was feeling. His body was beginning to ache again, and more tears escaped his shut eyes.

He could hear people around him talking. He could hear the guys. He could hear Mercades, and Rachel… but he couldn’t sit up and talk to them. He couldn’t tell them how he was feeling. What he wanted. That he didn’t want to be in pain anymore.

He could hear the heart monitor, but he didn’t want to hear it.

“Why won’t he wake up?” he heard one of them say, but he couldn’t tell who it was in his slightly manic mind

‘Because I don’t want to. Because I’m in pain. Because my heart just stopped, and I was free. Now I am depressed, all because of a stupid muscle that should just give up. Give in. Because of the stupid doctors… I have to be in pain again…’

He felt someone wipe away the tears from his cheeks. Probably a nurse.

Time passed, but he didn’t know how much. It might have been a few seconds, or it could have been a couple of days. Months even.

He didn’t open his eyes, even though he knew he had the energy to do so.

He felt as though his body was on fire. The pain rippled through him, causing his muscles to spasm slightly.

He didn’t want needles.
They didn’t help at all! They made him feel queasy. And every time they tested him, they took more and more blood. More blood then he thought he had left.

He wanted to pretend that he was still unconscious, but he couldn’t do it forever.

He licked his dry lips, and then continued to pretend. Pretend that he hadn’t been saved.
But that heart monitor was a sharp reminder that he had. That he was still alive. The only things that kept him alive were the things that they had shoved up his arms without his permission.

His mind kept whirring, thinking, pondering.

‘What if the pain never stops?’

More time passed, and he still didn’t know how much. And still he continued to pretend. What was the point in living, if living was this. This pain. Needles. Loneliness. Empty. What was the point?

Then he felt it. The feeling in his chest, like a muscle spasm… only harder… and in his heart. The lack of beeping made it clear to him. His heart had stopped again. He couldn’t hear anyone rushing to save him, he couldn’t hear anything.

He couldn’t feel any pain. None what-so-ever.

He wasn’t going to be saved this time, and for that he was happy.

The tear on his cheek, this time, was a tear of joy.

~
Fluttering…

Fluttering…

Fluttering…

Fluttering…
~