Kurt awoke in his own apartment. He nuzzled into Ryan's chest, still in a dreamy haze.

"mmm, Blaine..." he breathed, he opened his eyes slowly to see Ryan, still sound asleep, Kurt was thankful he hadn't heard.

Kurt sat up and planted his head in his hands and running his hands through his hair. He shouldn't be thinking of Blaine like that, not anymore. He needed to forget him, not all of him but forget what he'd learnt about him... he needed forget every night he made Blaine sweat and writhe in pleasure; he needed to forget the sweet taste of his skin. The way it felt just right holding him in his arms, the way their hands fit together. He had to forget it all, he really needed to get over Blaine, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't.

"mmm... Morning love" said Ryan rolling over "Darling.... what's wrong?" he asked when he saw Kurt's posture.

"Nothing baby, I'm fine... deadlines"

"You sure?"

"Yeah baby... I just need to get some work done, I haven't got much done lately."

"Okay love... I think I'm going to pop out... I might see if Blaine's okay" said Ryan, Kurt shifted uncomfortably "Him being your best man and all... see if we can't be friends."

"Really?! Said Kurt

"Yeah... I said I'd try to get to get on with him."

"Yeah, but I thought, with the evils you were shooting him at Karaoke, It wasn't going to work out,"

"Yeah... Well... I want to try again." Said Ryan "I feel bad... I haven't exactly been fair to him"

"No you haven' t" said Kurt as he rolled out of bed

"I guess, I still hate what he did to you..."

"Yeah... I know you do, baby... I'm going to take a shower...I'll join you for breakfast in ten."

"Okay, Love" said Ryan, Knowing something must be bothering Kurt.

Kurt stripped down as he walked to the shower; Ryan watched until he'd entered the bathroom and shut the door. The wedding was only a month away, and Ryan couldn't wait for the wedding night.

Kurt jumped in the shower, letting the cold water run over him. He knew that getting over Blaine was going to be hard, and he was going to have to work at it... but he'd done it before and he was sure he could do it again. He finished showering, did his hair and morning moisturising routine and then threw on some jeans and a hoodie and went downstairs to join his fiancé. Ryan was cooking up a storm, Chocolate pancakes, eggs, bacon and muffins. All Kurt really wanted was Blaine's French toast with the lovely berry syrup he used to make when Kurt was feeling down. He used to arrange the berries in to a smiley face. But Kurt still ate all the breakfast Ryan made; he was an amazing cook after all. When they'd finished breakfast Kurt when to the office to finish of The Book, ready for this month's issue, and tried not to think about his dream.

Kurt tried to concentrate, but his mind kept drifting back to the dream and Blaine. He couldn't stop his thoughts from wondering back to Blaine, the way he smiled, the noises he made when Kurt kiss that sweet spot on his neck, Kurt needed to forget those things. But he couldn't. After a few hours Kurt eventually gave up trying, he picked up his guitar; he always found the best way to clear his head was to sing. He began to strum the opening chords softly.

By the end of the song Kurt was in tears. He really missed knowing Blaine in that way, feeling close to him... but they were both taken. Kurt knew that despite what happened the other night Blaine still loved Tobias and Kurt still loved Ryan, he did. He just didn't know Kurt as well as Blaine did, Kurt picked up his phone and called Lotti.

"Hello Kurt," said Lotti on the other end of the line.

"H-Hi Lotti" he said all choked up

"Kurt, Hun, what's wrong? "

"I need you, Please, can you come over?"

"Yes, yes of course I'll be right there!"

Lotti Jumped in a cab and grabbed coffee and ice cream on the way over, she knocked on Kurt's apartment door, he shuffled to the door and open it. Lotti looked him up and down; she knew it must be bad when she saw what he was wearing.

"Thanks for coming Lotti" said Kurt

"So what's up Buttercup?" she asked, as she entered the apartment, Kurt led he through to the sitting room where Kurt had rent playing in the background. "You're watching rent... and wasn't that Blaine's favourite hoodie?"

"It still smells like him... he let me keep it, he said it looked better on me anyway..." Kurt began to pace across his living room "I just don't know what to do... I had a dream about him last night," Lotti raised an eyebrow "All PG stuff, just some light making out..." he held up his hands in defence, then brought his left hand up to his mouth and nibbled on his thumb lightly. He then realised what he was doing and put his hand down. "I miss knowing him like that you know..." Kurt said "But I still love Ryan... I really, really do. He just... he doesn't know me as well as Blaine does, but he hasn't known me as long. And I'm worried about Blaine-"

"Kurt" Lotti interrupted, Kurt ignored her

"-I mean, Tobias isn't good for him, I mean he used to be but he's not. He's hurt Blaine... he's no good. I know Blaine still loves him and he'll probably go back-"

"Kurt!-"Lotti said again, and again Kurt ignored her

"What if he seriously hurts him next time? I can't lose him...all this probably sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not... Tobias is not nice.... He is not good for Blaine... He needs someone nice who will love him"

"Kurt, you need to calm down. Okay" she stood in front of him, holding his shoulders.

"Sorry... yeah... I'm rambling, all my thoughts are a little jumbled, I can't keep one thought going straight"

"Shush, it's okay... "

"No its not, it's not okay... I still have feelings for Blaine and I shouldn't... I have Ryan, and he's amazing and perfect... But Blaine is fun and good and amazing too."

"They're both really great guys..." said Lotti

"They are... Ryan is really getting a little jealous about me and Blaine being close again, but I can sense he needs me... as a friend. It's just hard, I love him still..."

"I know you do, hun..."

"But I love Ryan too,"

"The question, is who do you love more?"

"I don't know... that's the problem" said Kurt "I love Ryan, and I guess Blaine is taken...I couldn't do that to Ryan, break his heart I mean... But Blaine and I, I don't know... its safe and nice. I feel connected."

"I think you need to figure that out first."

"Blaine is taken... as it stands... but after what Tobias did, I don't know... and Ryan, Ryan is Ryan, he's cute and funny and so, so sweet and although he's not good at the romance he's kind and sweet and just amazing "

"What is your heart telling you?"

Kurt closed his eyes, as if he was listening to his heart. "It can't decide either..." said Kurt "They are both amazing guys, and they're both wonderful in their own ways. They both make me feel special and loved and wanted"

"How about we just have a nice pampering session, watch some movies, eat some ice cream... take you mind off things"

"I really need to finish The Book"

"We can look at that too... I think we just need to get your mind off the two of them for a bit... and everything will soon fall into place"

"What would I do without you Lotti?"

She shrugged and went into the kitchen to start making the homemade face masks and chopping some cucumbers. The pair of them spent the afternoon sat on the couch pampering themselves, looking at The Book, making the final decisions. Kurt tried not to let his mind wonder and think about the two men, but he couldn't help but think about them.

~~~
Meanwhile Ryan got up and dressed and caught the subway to Nick and Jeff's apartment. He climbed the stairs and hesitantly knocked on the door. Blaine answered, peeking around the door.

"Ryan?! What are you doing here?" said Blaine, shocked.

"Kurt said you had a fight with Tobias and well I thought I'd come over... I mean, we're friends right"

"Since you turned me away last night?" Blaine asked "What do you think? Do you think we're friends?"

"Look I'm sorry, I got a little jealous, I mean, you're hot, he's hot I can't help but get a little bit jealous. I didn't know what had happened... I'd really like us to try again at being friends... I know it would mean a lot to Kurt"

"It would... I'd like to get on with you, Ryan" said Blaine, "You seem really nice, and frankly I could do with a few more friends"

"Yeah, can I come in or we could go out, grab a coffee or something"

"Oh, I've just made some coffee, and cake... It's a bit chilly outside and frankly I look terrible. I've had to borrow Jeff's clothes" said Blaine opening the door a little wider, laughing a little "and his clothes drown me,"

"I can see that," said Ryan with a smile. "Why haven't you got some of your own clothes?"

"I'm honestly scared to go back..."

"Oh, I'm sorry Blaine..."he said sincerely. "Why don't you ask Nick and Jeff to go over, or I could.. if you like?"

"It's okay, I'm fine. Anyway let's talk about us?" said Blaine "Talk things out... clear the air..."

"Okay, um, I'll start. I guess I'm just jealous" said Ryan. "I just see you with him and you guys... You make sense... I don't know... Sometimes I wonder why he's even with me... I Love him more than anything, I'd climb mountains for him...I'd do anything. He's gorgeous... You know when I asked him out I didn't think I stood a chance"

"What do you mean? He adores you" said Blaine pouring coffee "How do you take your coffee?"

"Just black" he said with a smile "I don't know really, I guess I feel a little intimidated, I used to see you and him together and you were this beautiful couple, so happy so cute... and I was me... this lowly intern... So when you guys...um" He cleared his throat "got divorced... I didn't think I'd stand a chance but Kyle said I should maybe go for it, you know after a few months had passed obviously... I was shocked when he said yes..."

"Yeah" said Blaine looking down at coffee

"Sorry, I didn't mean to strike a nerve there"

"You didn't...anyway why do you think you're not good enough? As far as I can see you make him laugh and smile...you make him happy"

"I just feel like sometimes we don't connect me and him. I'm not into PDA and romance... I find it hard to express how I feel, I always have... I'm scared to, after everything...Wait why am I telling you all this?"

"Because I'm listening..." Blaine looked at him; head cocked to one side, his bright amber eyes reading him, Ryan shifted slightly "My guess is your childhood wasn't the best. Small town, not many out and proud people to talk to or look up to, narrow minded family, not really understanding, telling you that it's a choice or just a phase?"

"How do you know that?" asked Ryan, gobsmacked.

"Because it's how mine was too... Look I don't know your story and I'm not asking to know... And I'm a just the guy who broke the heart of the man you love" said Blaine honestly "but I do know how you feel I've been there, I've been so past there, I was so close to the edge pushed there by bulling and hate mail from my own father... And I frankly couldn't take one more day... I had no one... Then I was pulled back from the edge from the very man whose heart I broke... Your fiancé saved my life..." Said Blaine forcing back tears "I'm sorry I'm getting close to him again... He's one of the few things that make me feel safe... I don't have many of those people left anymore... Especially after what happened the other night with Tobias... I'll back off a little, I know how I used to get when he spoke to other guys..."

"Um... Thank you Blaine... I didn't mean for this to end up like this I just wanted make sure you're okay..."

"Honestly? No... I'm not okay... I haven't been okay for a while, I thought I was getting there. But I'll just have to work harder to be okay again...just... treat him well Ryan, love him treasure him... Show him that he means the world to you"

"How do I do that? I've never been any good at feelings"
"Kurt likes the little things, flowers, cooking his favourite meals, watching his favourite movies when he's sad.... You know that kind of stuff"

"Yeah.... okay... I can do that I think"

"I'm sure you can" said Blaine with a smile, then he looked down at his feet "Can... Can I, um never mind"

"No, what is it Blaine?"

"If I tell you something can you please, please not tell Kurt, he'll worry and then probably tell Nick and Jeff and Kelsey and Darren and I won't be allowed to alone for more than two minutes... and I can't have that again"

"Okay...." He said slowly.

"What you just told me was really hard for you... and this is really hard for me. Um, well..." Blaine stared down at his coffee "Recently, more so in the past few days, I've been feeling close to doing, um, something," he stroked his left wrist subconsciously, Ryan gave him a puzzling look "I know I won't, but I just feel like... I might and that scares me. It's been twelve years, I used to just call my brother, and he'd always find a way to make me smile or talk to Kurt and we'd cuddle and watch something light hearted and he'd make me feel safe."

Ryan was speechless; He really didn't know what to say.

"Sorry, that was probably a bit heavy... just, just forget I said anything" said Blaine "I'll be fine, I know I will..."

"Blaine..."

"I'll be fine, I promise... just please, please don't tell Kurt."

"I won't... but Blaine, are you sure you'll be okay... I mean, I've never gotten to that point, but just know that you have people you can talk to... you can talk to me, if you don't want to talk to everyone else, I may not be good at advice and stuff, but I'm one hell of a listener... and I promise, I won't get over protective and I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you Ryan that's really sweet of you... I just don't even know where to begin, though" said Blaine, honestly, he walked over to sit on the couch.

"How about from the beginning?"

"Don't you have to get back to Kurt? Or work?"

"No, Kurt's got deadlines, its best I stay out from under his feet, and I told him I was coming round to see you, to make friends"

"Okay... I guess is started around the anniversary of Coop's death, I kinda realised how much I've screwed up my life, I was doing great, I mean I had a beautiful husband, Job of my dreams, I was on track to be editor within a year... I was... happy. Then I went and did well you know" Ryan nodded "I don't know why, I was stupid, drunk and I freaked out a little and a complete idiot... because of that, I lost the man I love-d" Blaine recovered quickly, Ryan didn't notice Blaine's slip of the tongue "I can't go back to my old job, I'm stuck as a coffee jockey, in a small little café and I just... I wish I could be as strong as I was two years ago, before the assault"

"Blaine, you are every bit as strong as you were, if not stronger, I don't know you that well but I do know that you are miles stronger than the timid little thing I met two years, the guy who was so quiet and shy. Now look at you, Kurt said you're writing a book?"

"Yeah, I've sent it off to a couple of publishers... I don't know how far it'll go but you know... I thought I'd take a shot, I miss writing... it's one of the only things that keeps me sane sometimes, I can just write and enter a world that's entirely my own, and I love that."

"See that's great Blaine, I'm sure someone will pick it up. I used to love your articles in the Journal... they were so well written, and in depth."

"Yeah... writing is my passion"

"So why don't you go back?"

"I can't face them all again, half of them know about the assault and all of them know about the affair... I can't stand the pity..."

"Try somewhere else?"

"I guess I could."

"Blaine. You're talented, anywhere would be lucky to have you"

Blaine smiled "Um thanks Ryan, I should really call Tobias now... I think it's about time we sorted stuff out between us..."

"You're really going to go back to him?"

"I honestly don't know... maybe I'll know when I see him... all I can say with any certainty is I'm terrified of him..." said Blaine, looking down again "He's helped me a lot... and I don't really want to go back to that place"

"You won't Blaine, I know you won't... and I know six people who will be there for you and who will help you"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... make your call... Mind if I get some more coffee, and maybe some cake?"

"Knock yourself out... I'm just going to my room... just for a little privacy"

~~~

Blaine dialled the number and waited... the phone rang and rang. Blaine tried to piece together what he was going to say.

"Blaine!" said Tobias when he answered

"Um hi..."

"Um... hey... I'm really, really sorry Blaine, "

"I know... I'm coming home later... we can talk then..."

"That's great Blaine... I can't wait to see you... I miss you so, so much"

"Yeah... see you later" said Blaine, his mind was made up... he was going to do it.