Dear Journal,

Today was the worst day. Wes kept yelling at me for not getting the steps right, which of course made it harder to concentrate - which meant that I messed up even more . They only keep me in the group for my voice, and I still don’t feel like a part of it. I mean, all these guys have been singing together for years, I was lucky they let me in. It got worse after that, Sebastian started attacking me again, you know … the shoving and name-calling. For a gay guy, he’s really homophobic to the rest of us. It’s started to eat into me … it’s getting too much. On top of all the shit at school, Dad hates me, Mom hates me, Cooper ignores me - all because I’m gay. I’m just a hassle to everyone. Their lives would be so much better without me. James is going out with Melanie tomorrow so I’m going to do it then … after the Warblers’ performance … Wes’d kill me again if I missed it.

Tuesday 9th November 2010, 11:09

Dear Journal,

Okay, everything is ready. The letters for Cooper, Mom and Dad are written. I have everything I need to do this, except maybe courage … but who knows, something could go wrong and Wes could yell at me and make me feel like a worthless piece of crap again – so, you know, the outlook is still good. Maybe I’ll mess up on purpose … anyway I should go now before I’m late.

Tuesday 9th November 2010, 21:48

Dear Journal,

Kurt Hummel. Kurt Hummel - what a beautiful name. I was walking downthe stairs to Warbler Hall for the performance and I had stopped to check my watch when I heard him. He was pretending to be a new kid, it was obvious he wasn’t and I knew that if Wes and David found out they’d beat him up, so I covered for him. He had the most amazing eyes, I felt like he was reading me, seeing everything. He was so amazing I forgot my name for a second as I drowned in those eyes. He was so pretty. And the performance? It was the best it had ever gone - with him watching me, I fell into sync with the others and it was amazing. I had the constant want for him to see me, see me for more than my talent - I wanted to get to know him. So I took him out for coffee and he opened up fully to me - he told me everything. There’s this guy, Karofsky his name is, who’s been harrassing him, bullying him, just because he’s gay. I don’t know what it was, it must have been hearing a similar story from somebody else, but I suddenly realised what I should have done back in Minnesota, and I told him what he should do. Through him I found strength, the strength I didn’t have this morning … the strength to continue. If he can fight through his problems, I can fight through mine. We exchanged numbers. It was his idea - he’s become my first real friend since we moved to Ohio … I think he’ll be good for me. Help me. Save me.

Monday 15th November 2010, 19:38

Dear Journal,

He invited me out to coffee today - he really wants to be friends with me. I’m a bit of a loser though and he’s amazing so I don’t know why, but who am I to pass up friends? It’s not like I have many at Dalton. I have my first friend in Ohio … it took three months but I have a friend now. But yeah, it turns out the guy who was harrassing him is hiding in the closet and well he … he kissed him. I don’t know what came over me – it’s like Kurt makes me the person I want to be. He makes me stronger. I offered to help him confront this guy, talk to him, maybe help him come out … or at least come to terms with it. I’m going to his school on Thursday … I can’t wait to see him again.

Thursday 18th November 2010,21:29

Dear Journal,

Well, that didn’t go as I had intended. In some ways it was better. First the confrontation didn’t work out - he wouldn’t listen to us, and ended up making Kurt cry. I hate seeing him cry … his face gets all scrunchy and then my chest hurts. After Karofsky left, Kurt told me that when he kissed him, it was his first real kiss. It’s just awful that that experience was stolen from him. But after that I took him out for lunch … I had hoped that it would be kind-of a date, but by the end I kinda got the feeling he doesn’t like me in that way. I’m just going to stick to being his friend - his confidant - and hope that these feelings will dwindle. I know I’ve only known him just over a week but I’ve really started to fall for him. I don’t know why, but I think he was meant to find me. He’s going to help me, if I let him. He’ll help me open up to someone.