These past days have been absolutely cray-cray, so I apologize in advance for the inevitable typos. This chapter gives some background on Eleanor and what happens to her after she gets off the train, cause y'know, she's pretty significant. (She also swears a lot) I hope y'all like her :) WARNING: Suicidal thoughts/flashbacks

"I guess this is goodbye then?" he spoke as though it was a question.

En gave a small smile- a face that she had made often while staying up all night with Blaine. "Good observation," she mocked. "Now get lost, Kurt'll be upset if you make him wait any longer."

She watched his eyes light up as he remembered that he was going to see his boyfriend and how he made the slightest twitch in the direction of the exit.

"Maybe, I'll see you around? Ohio's a small state right?".

She scrunched up her nose. "Naw," she explained. "that's not how this is going to work."

He raised a triangular eyebrow. "What makes you so sure?"

"I'm an expert in one night stands," she laughed hollowly at the truth of it.

"So that's what this was? Kurt will get jealous," he smiled.

She laughed in return. Being around Blaine seemed so natural. En had all these defensive walls lined up for anybody who wanted a word from her, so when he had easily pushed them all aside... well... to put it simply; it scared the fuck out of her. She didn't want to see Blaine again; his presence made her feel vulnerable and weak- although he made her happy. Happier than she's been in a long time.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

And stops my mind from wandering

"Yep. One night stand," she huffed. "Now get lost."

He gave her an exhausted sideways smile. "That was a of a plain way of saying goodbye, don't you think?"

"Well, I'm a plain person."

"I disagree."

And with that he pulled her into a tight hug. She gasped for breath at first before returning the embrace by putting her arms around his neck and squeezing. She had gotten plenty of hugs since her mom had died. but they all derived from pity and sadness. But being in his muscular arms just for a moment made her feel protected from the world and how goddamn horrible it was. The tightness of the hug was very much appreciated. She could practically feel the kindness and warmth seeping into her. She felt safe.

I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door

And kept my mind from wandering

"Good luck Eleanor," he whispered into her shoulder. "I'll see you soon."

She didn't have the heart to tell him that seeing each other again would be highly unlikely to impossible, again.

"Get lost Warbler," she spoke, lips brushing across his neck involuntarily, before pulling back to look at him.

Where it will go..

He smiled warily at her, his eyes shining over, and she got a strange feeling that he had something to say, but if he did, he chose to keep quiet.

She fought back the emotion climbing up her throat as he squeezed her shoulders.

And with that he was gone.

The loneliness, as well as lack of heat, suddenly rang in her ears. It was though his leaving just sucked every ounce of comfort out of her. The exhaustion and lack of sleep for the past week came smashing into her all at once; her head throbbing with emotion. The feeling was becoming eerily familiar.

En bit her lip and exhaled softly. It was time to take the next step.

And it doesn't matter I'm wrong

Her only bag wasn't much more than an orange ratty backpack but as dignified as possible, she walked through the train station and hailed a taxi. One picked her up immediately.

I'm right

"C'mon in, as long as you don't mind me smokin,'" The man gruffed a pudgy black man from the driver's seat, when he rolled down the window. He only flinched slightly at the sight of her, but En learned not to give a fuck that people cared about her albinism. She looked blandly, borderline of a glare, at him through her frizzy side bangs for a moment before climbing in.

"Where to hun?"

"Lima" she said coldly. She was aware of the fact she was being so unfriendly, but her emotions were so stiff right now she couldn't bother with kindness.

The man pulled out a new cigarette after flicking his old one out the window. "You want a light lady?"

Where I belong I'm right..

En bit her a cheek for a moment. "Yeah, sure," she replied taking a cigarette from his hand. Smoking wasn't really a habit for her, but it was something that her mother used to do constantly and En only found herself doing it when she was stressed. And yes. At the moment, she was most certainly stressed.

Where I belong..

"Alright then. What'cha name?"

En grunted. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts right now. "Eleanor."

"Huh, you don't look like an Eleanor."

See the people standing there who disagree and never win..

She didn't reply. For reasons unknown, she rarely told people to call her En. It was though "En" was a comfortable little part of who "Eleanor" was. It haunted her why she had told Blaine to call her En.

And they wonder why they never get through my door..

As the taxi pulled out of the parking lot, a slimy hand felt like it was curling around her lungs.

This was really happening.

The last week of her life had driven her to incredible heights. She started to tremble as she recalled the minutes before she had boarded that train, and how she was lying down on her back in the middle of the tracks. This pressure of the world had broken her and thrown her heart in thousands of directions so they couldn't be able to glue themselves back together. So why would it be so bad if it just stopped beating? It's not like anybody actually would notice, well, maybe the people on the train that was supposed to be coming any minute now, but they would get over it. Overall, it would benefit her. There would be no more worrying, and she could sleep for as long as she desired. Eternal sleep, that sounded really nice right now..

I'm painting the room in a colorful way..

"So are you from the south Eleanor? Got yourself an accent."

En's fingers twitched as she awoke from the lull and she sharply breathed in fear.

And when my mind is wandering

There I will go..

"Mmm" she replied, feeling incredibly uncomfortable and nervous, as though maybe he could read her thoughts and memories of what she tried to do.

But she promised herself she wouldn't fall into that again. Her personal restraint and ambition was what saved her. For as she waiting for the train to come and take her life, she saw the stars, and - to put it simply- was consumed with love. Not love for life, or anyone in particular, and god knows it wasn't love for herself. But the love that willed her to hoist herself up from the oncoming death was love for outer space. It isn't silly she told herself. For as long as she could remember she wanted nothing more than to take a step on the moon. To be Neil Armstrong. It was her life dream, and she didn't believe in god nor an afterlife, so if that train came to take her life it would be over. Her dream would be over... and that dream was really the only things that she did feel love for.

Then again, to dream would imply to sleep.

And it doesn't really matter if I'm wrong or right..

Her last good night sleep was before graduation, and since it has been constant waking up and worrying. She learned to live off tea and adrenaline, but her sanity needed to recharge. As tired as she was, there was no possible way she would sleep. Not when her father, this family, was so close.

Maybe they were having breakfast this very moment? Oh, but what if they all sleep late? I don't sleep late, is that a problem? Why would it? I'm not going to live with them. Would they expect me to? Aw fuck. She held her head in her hands hopelessly; attempting to calm herself.

Where I belong I'm right...

Sure, she had come up with speech after speech that she would give when she saw her father, and how she wasn't looking for his love or hospitality, just his presence. He didn't even know she existed. This whole plan was thrust upon her barely a week ago and within that week... well... a whole lot of shit had gone down. She needed time to think and collect her thoughts, and this forty five minute taxi ride would not be nearly enough.

It was terrifying; the way fear had completely controlled her for these past days. Every day was a struggle against the unknown force that was trying to make her fall. She was strong, and she knew it, but strength isn't endless. It was though she was on an escalator heading downward, and she could turn her back and walk upwards, but eventually her knees would fall out from exhaustion and she would arrive where it was taking her. So was it worth the battle if she's just gonna lose anyway?

It wasn't like En didn't know the correct answer. But it just didn't seem right.

Where I belong...

The rain started to dribble on the windshield of the taxi and she looked at it with wonder. Okay, I was kidding before. The only things I love are outer space and rain. It was literally, the basis of life falling from the freaking sky! Incredible. And it was rare in Utah; the majority of their weather was sun, or dry thunderstorms. Not many people knew, but En actually loathed thunderstorms. Loathed. Not feared, she assured herself uncertainty. En hated to be afraid.

Her mind wandered again to Blaine.

Silly people run around they worry me...

Taking a long drag, she wondered what he was doing. Probably with his boyfriend off driving somewhere. He always would get that lopsided smile when he talked about him, Kurt. It was easy to see that he had fallen hard for this guy. Just for a moment, she exhaled the smoke with happiness. Blaine was really the only nice thing that happened to her this whole week she owed him for his kindness. She wondered if he would ever think about her again. Probably. En knew that she wasn't easy to forget.

And never ask me why they don't get past my door...

After inhaling the cigarette sharply, she stuck her head out the window; welcoming the harsh winds. Twisting her head to look upwards, she ignored the strange look she got from the driver.

Right there, the rain clouds parted and she could see Orion's belt fading in the stars. Strange, the stars were still out at this time, but she supposed it was one more thing to like about Ohio. It was simple to distinguish the constellation between all the other stars in the sky. She had majored in astronomy for four years and she never regretted it. People had warned her that this was a dangerously high dream. Like, when little kids want to be a super model or the president. One day, in her junior year of high school, she even came home certain she could never be an astronaut.

"Mom," she had said. "I'm going to be a lawyer."

"...M'kay," her mom had replied.

In the taxi cab, her heart cramped while replaying her mother's voice; a lost sound. It wasn't a pretty sound, but the fact it was extinct made everything more raw.

"What happened to wanting to be the next Neil?"

"God, mom. That's just unrealistic. I mean, where do you even get a job like that?."

"You'd be surprised."

"Please mom,"

"Hey, I just need you to be happy,"

"Well, why wouldn't I be?"

She knew the answer now: because being a lawyer, isn't being an astronaut.

And she loved space. She could never get over the fact that everyone in the whole world was looking at the same stars. Her mother and her father both were. So was Blaine.

When she exhaled again, relaxing her body, and in turn accidentally letting the cigarette slip from her fingers. "Fuck," she muttered. She had been enjoying that.

En pulled back and slumped in her seat once more, feeling numb. So many emotions were tingling through and it made her whole body ache. Like when you mix all the paints together, you just come up with this mucky grey that isn't good for anything. Right now, apart from being really pale and white, she was mucky grey. Though only one thought really made it to the top of her brain.

It's so freaking cold in here.

"Can I turn the heat on?" she asked the cabby reaching for the dashboard.

"In August? I don't think so honey…"

Her pale hand retracted from the knob and she didn't reply. There was really no point in wasting her breath to tell him that she understood when clearly, she did.

She leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes, desperate from sleep. But it never came. Every time she saw the darkness, her mind raced towards what was ahead of her on this escalator of life. She planned out her response to every possible her dad could say to her. So that was how it went for the next upcoming forty-five minutes. When she thought she was drifting into sleep, immediately, as though a pin pricked her, she was wide-awake. The restless cycle never stopped, until the cab stopped.

"Here we are honey," the cabby grunted.

She was positive she hadn't fallen asleep, but that seemed to go by incredibly quickly. Blinking rapidly, she looked out the foggy window and caught her breath, petrified. There was the Hummel house, up to the stone walkway mere yards away from her.

"Hey," he scoffed again, clearly impatient. Like he actually has people waiting for him. Silently, she slid her card through the scanner and didn't even look at the cost of the trip.

With her bag tightened on her thin back, she cautiously stepped out the door as though if she made a wrong move the she would be struck by lightning. She was light on her feet; floating with every step. That is, until the cab drove away.

Once again, she was alone.

I'm taking my time for a number of things...

The terror had never been so sharp and acute. It was though her heart had popped and her whole body shut down. Suddenly, a new kind of adrenaline started to pump through her body, unlike any kind before. She was aware of the fact she was trembling, but her feet didn't budge.

Courage.

That weren't important yesterday...

That's what Blaine had told her. Courage, courage, she repeated to herself before biting her tongue so hard that it shocked her body into taking a first step.

She took one step at a time before she was facing the door directly. The doorbell fell to the perfect height compared to her left hand. All she had to do was push. And then her fingers were brushing the plastic, when something caught her eye. Through the lacy curtains on the window to the right of the door, she saw a figure. He was in a plaid shirt, like herself, and jeans. He was bent sideways, and seemed to be looking at the buttons on a TV. She only saw his back, but that was all she needed to see. Suddenly, everything that terrified her became tangible, and so much more terrifying.

Within a fraction of a second, all of the fear she had ever felt was released. She was shining with energy and she used it by doing the only thing she could think of.

She ran.

And I still go...

It wasn't even I'm-trying-to-win-a-race running it was there-is-a-murderer-behind-me-and-if-I-stop-the-world-will-swallow-me-up running. She didn't stop.

She couldn't stop moving her legs, not that she actually tried, because all her mind was telling her was to put as much distance between her and that house as possible. She ran through lawn after lawn, her boots clicking and her backpack bouncing on her back with each step. Her bangs were fluttering in her eyes, making her blink twice as often, while the rest of her pixie cut rippled in the wind. The air was so cold it stung her eyes and it became impossible to see. Her legs were moving faster than she could handle and her balance was wobbly. She felt incredibly unstable, emotionally as well as physically.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in...

And as she turned another corner onto another street she finally slipped into a puddle of dirt and mud; her arms too tired to catch herself this hitting her chin painfully on the gravel. She hadn't even noticed that it was now pouring down. But she couldn't find the energy to care.

And stops my mind from wandering...

So there she sat. Coughing and heaving in muddy water, her clothes completely soaked and sticking against her skin. She pressed her forehead harshly into the ground. Rocks were pushed against her skin and it was painful, but a million times less painful than the emotion coursing through her.

Never had she ever felt so helpless or so unwanted in her whole life.

And most of all, never had she felt so cowardly.

She didn't deserve what life was giving her, and she couldn't take care of herself. She couldn't handle any of it.

But what she didn't deserve was to cry.

So she did.

Where it will gooo...