Chapter 13:

 "You heard the woman Blaine" Kurt shouted, exasperated and bitter. "Brain dead. Did you not hear that? She said brain dead Blaine."

 They were sitting on a bench in the small courtyard area that the hospital classed as a garden. Blaine supposed it was meant to offer comfort to patients and their significant others but as he looked around the bleak, meagre selection of shrubs and flimsy flowers he couldn't help but think how apt a space it really was; just disenchanted plants representing disenchanted hopes. He turned towards Kurt who was now pacing around in front of him.

 Neither had spoken when Blaine had finally gathered himself together to tear away from the broken and abandoned figure on the bed. They hadn't said a word after Blaine's desperate pleas stumbled from his lips over and over in the darkness, for the empty body to ‘wake up'. They hadn't looked at each other as Kurt had followed Blaine down in the lift and out into the deserted garden area that made up the central courtyard of the hospital complex.

 But once outside and safely away from prying, inquisitive eyes, Kurt had exploded, shaking Blaine's limp body roughly and forcing him to look him in the eye. Where Kurt needed words and confirmation and life from Blaine, the other man simply wanted to turn it all away.

 He remained utterly silent and placid as Kurt poured out his own grief onto his body.

 "Brain dead....no wonder my dad wanted to agree to them turning off the machine" He continued to pace, waving his arms wildly around the sad looking place. Blaine stared at the floor.

 "As if he'd want some vegetable for a son....God..brain dead! No wonder I'm running around out here. My fucking body's shut down so now I'm this...this...whatever the fuck I am. God knows!" He threw his hands up in the air and slumped finally into the seat beside Blaine, monologue over.

 Blaine didn't look at him. Silence spread out through the little topiary trees and the darkness continued to bleed across the sky, indicating the late hour.

 "You haven't been honest with me."

 The words were calm but cold, harshly biting the air. Kurt looked sharply at the other man as if he'd been cut.

 "She said you've given up. She said you gave up two days ago Kurt. You've told me you don't know why but you're lying." Kurt flinched at the words, his shoulders starting to tremble slightly.

 "You do know Kurt. I can see it when you look at your body in there. I can see it when your eyes cloud over every time I mention your life before this. You do know why Kurt. I know you do."

Blaine still wasn't looking at Kurt, preferring instead to stare outwards and beyond the enclosed garden, longing for air and space and some form of relief. The man beside him had still not moved; had shown no reaction to the words other than the regular steady breathing in and out, in and out, reminding Blaine that he was still there.

 "I need to show you something. Back in that room. I need to show you something that might help. Something to help you understand me." Kurt whispered eventually.

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The beeping monitor had previously set Blaine's teeth on edge, each beep jolting him harshly back into that room which he so desperately wanted to escape, but now its rhythm seemed almost soothing as he watched Kurt move towards a cupboard beside the bed and root around.

 He stared quizzically at the slender shoulders of the other man, stooped over and riffling under a pile of clothes in the draw. Blaine watched as Kurt discarded a ring of keys and a wallet, realising, with sparked interest, that these must have been the possessions found on Kurt after the accident.

 Although the atmosphere hadn't particularly thawed between the two men, Kurt's willingness to finally confide in Blaine had eased the tension and as he spun round with a flourish, brandishing a black leather notebook above his head, Blaine smiled at him. The light that suddenly relaxed Kurt's face at the gesture was enough to rid Blaine of the last shreds of anger and he allowed his eyes to finally welcome Kurt back in.

 "I wasn't sure if this would still be here." Kurt said a little breathily. "I don't know what they normally do with the patients' possessions and thought maybe my dad might have had it....I guess not."

 He was stroking the black leather with a strange unconscious reverence and Blaine watched as his fingers twisted the dark red page-marker ribbon into spirals.

 "What is it?" Blaine asked, eyes following his fingers before looking up to meet Kurt's.

 Kurt breathed out a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed; turned away from the body that neither wanted to look at, he faced Blaine, knees touching each other and the book in his lap. He held it out tentatively, motioning for Blaine to take it.

 "It's my journal...well journal of sorts." Blaine frowned a little at Kurt and quickly moved to push it back into the other man's hands.

 "No Kurt...You don't have to...I don't want to read your....."

 "Please." Kurt moved his hands away from his lap, rejecting the notebook and sitting on his fingers. "It's just a collection of thoughts really. Song lyrics, Poems, random quotes. Not a journal as such. Just....just snippets of me I guess." He trailed off, raising his hesitant eyes to Blaine's one more time and imploring him to understand.

"I want you to read it Blaine. You need to read it."