There's a Fine, Fine Line (Kurt's POV) Part IV

Kurt knows that most people think that he's melodramatic and theatrical and he can admit that he is. Everything about Kurt is a carefully crafted production: from the precise pronunciation of his impressive vocabulary to his designer wardrobe to his signature strut, Kurt puts on a show. Part of it is a defense mechanism, his way of keeping himself safe and sane in a hostile environment but a lot of it is that Kurt honestly is just that much of a diva. He thrives on the attention, he goes out of his way to pull focus and make sure that he leaves an impression. He's a born performer and that's how he can almost always spot when someone else is putting on their own one man show.

It's probably his ability to spot a fellow actor, to recognize when people are reciting lines instead of actually holding conversations and wearing a carefully constructed mask instead of showing their emotions that enabled him to see through Finn.

Finn, Kurt knows, is chronically underestimated. His brother may not be book smart-after all this is the boy who turned in a paper saying Sir Isaac Newton's most famous invention is the Fig Newton-but after living with him for the past year Kurt knows that Finn isn't nearly as dumb as he allows people to believe he is. Finn may never be classified as an intellectual and he may be a bit naïve but he understands emotions and he uses that knowledge to his benefit.

Finn knows how to make people feel good, how to talk to them so they agree to buy whatever he's selling and how to find the hidden parts of themselves that they try not to let show. Finn's people skills, Kurt muses, are what enable him to be Lima's version of the Teflon Don. No one, Kurt included, ever holds Finn's transgressions against him. It's part of his charm, that same boyish, well meaning, aw shucks ma'am image of the all American boy that drew Kurt to Finn in the first place and eventually led to his crush on his now step brother.

Kurt knows that even if he never says anything, Blaine simply doesn't understand how Kurt could fall for a guy who stood by silently while he was tossed in a dumpster and laughed alongside his friends while pelting him with pee balloons. In truth, Kurt doesn't understand it. He only knows that there is something about Finn that makes a person want to forgive him, see the good in him and look past his faults. Finn, for all his flaws, Kurt believes is a fundamentality good person. He's also an emotionally honest one. Finn can't hide or hold back his feelings. When he cares for someone it's as obvious as the brightest neon sign in Vegas. He shows it in his actions and in a million little unconscious gestures. The same is true when he dislikes someone, it comes through loud and clear on his face and in his deeds.

Finn's inability to not act on his feelings, Kurt supposes, is ultimately how he realized his suspicions were right, that he wasn't reading too much into things or once again seeing things that simply weren't there. Looking back Kurt isn't sure exactly when the shift in his relationship with Finn took place but he does remember the moment he realized that, for Finn, things between them had changed yet again. There wasn't anything special about the moment itself, there was no grand gesture or dramatic declaration, and it was simply another Friday night dinner. They were just sitting at the table with their parents, talking about their plans for the weekend when he asked Finn to pass him the salt, which Finn did but not before intentionally brushing his fingers over Kurt's. Kurt had looked at up at Finn, a teasing retort about not using him to practice his moves on dying on his lips when he noticed how Finn was looking at him. Kurt had seen that look on Finn's face, directed at Quinn or Rachel, he'd never imagined, especially after the spectacular crash and burn of his ill fated crush that he'd see it directed at him.

That single look seemed to open the floodgates. Snatches of memory formed a kaleidoscope of moments that swirled around, each image sharper, brighter and more damning than the next. He remembered all the times that Finn held him a half second too long after a hug or created an excuse to touch him. He saw Finn trying to sit in between Kurt and Blaine at the movies, or at home on the sofa. He recalled Finn going out of his way to spend time with Kurt, singing to him instead of with him, blowing off video games with Puck to help Kurt with his NYADA portfolio, cancelling on Rachel to stay with Kurt while he was sick and watch musicals. He recounted all the hair ruffles where Finn's touch lingered just a fraction too long and all the times when he crowded into Kurt's personal space bubble.

Confirmation caused conflict. Part of him had wanted to confront Finn, Grey's Anatomy style because seriously, just seriously? But cooler heads prevailed and Kurt realized that as awkward as the timing was, Finn's feelings were real and they were valid and the last thing he wanted to do was shame or embarrass someone that meant the world to him, someone that he loved.

Kurt did love Finn. He loved his goofy smile and his insistence in seeing the good in everyone. He loved his unfailing belief that the glass was half full. Kurt loved how strong Finn could be when he needed to and how much of himself he gave to his family and friends. He loved how Finn was unable to hold a grudge and how kind hearted and generous the other teen could be. He loved Finn…he just wasn't in love with him.

And oh, did Kurt know how it felt to be on the Finn side of that particular equation. He knew exactly how it felt to have given his heart to someone only to watch them give theirs to someone else. He remembered every soul crushing moment of seeing Finn with Quinn, and then with Rachel. He'd never forgotten the gut wrenching pain of watching Blaine serenade Jeremiah and then being relegated to the sidelines during his dalliance with Rachel. Kurt drew on those experiences and handled Finn with the gentleness and care that he wished he'd been gifted with in those situations.

Kurt was careful not pull away from Finn or make things awkward between them, but at the same time not to do anything that could be seen as encouragement. Kurt didn't confront Finn, not out of fear of upsetting the balance, but because he knows his brother. He knows that when it comes to matters of the heart Finn needs time and space to work things out on his own. Kurt's sure that when Finn's sure what he feels and why and what he wants to do about it he'll come to Kurt and then they'll talk. It's not a conversation Kurt's looking forward to. He's never broken anyone's heart before and the idea of breaking Finn's is just…too terrible to bear. But all things considered Finn seems to be handling the pain of unrequited love much better than Kurt did and Kurt seems to handing Finn's romantic feelings for him much better than Finn handled Kurt's.

Then one day, it seems as if Finn decides that Blaine is the enemy. It's a sentiment Kurt understands, after all it was the need to destroy his competition that led to him violating the sanctity of a makeover in order to sabotage Rachel, but the speed at which Finn turns on Blaine is dizzying. One moment they are fist bumping and watching Buckeye games with Burt and the next Finn is taking passive aggressive pot shots at Blaine about everything from his height to Katy Perry.

Kurt runs interference the best he can. He becomes a human buffer between Finn's barely restrained aggression and Blaine's ruthlessly repressed anger. He knows that he should tell Blaine why he's suddenly become public enemy number one in Finn's book but he can't find the words and isn't sure if Blaine's knowing would make things better or worse.

Of course, Finn doesn't make it easy for him. When Blaine transfers he goes from being mildly unpleasant to openly hostile. Blaine insists that he can handle it, that he's fine, that he's ok but Kurt knows that he's not, at least not entirely. Being relentlessly attacked, given Blaine's history can't be an easy thing to deal with. Kurt redefines the boundaries again, drawing them in sharper, making them clearer. Finn seems to get it and backs off Blaine. Things begin to settle until Santana decides to announce in the middle of the choir room that he and Blaine are no longer virgins and Finn's head explodes.

Finn ramps up the hostility. He's combative, always spoiling for a fight, relentlessly trying to provoke Blaine into giving him one. He's constantly trying to embarrass or exclude Blaine in glee. It reaches a point where his treatment of Blaine is so egregious that other people start to take notice and Santana of all people, calls him out for it.

Kurt knows they've reached the point of no return when Rachel whispers to him that she's going to speak to Finn about his behavior. If Rachel has noticed, then things have truly gone too far.

Rachel…Rachel is a part of the equation that Kurt honestly tries not to let himself think about. He has no idea how it happened but somehow they've gone from battling each other for boys and solos to being best friends. He's slept in her bed and read her diary. He knows her fears and insecurities. He's braided her hair and raided her kitchen. He's talked on the phone with her about Lima and the future and their future until the sun came up. They've been honest with each other-brutally so at times-about the other's faults and failings. They've never pulled a punch or beaten around the bush. If there's one person, other than Blaine, that gets Kurt at his core, it's Rachel.

Rachel has seen him at his best and at his worst; they've stabbed each other in the back and held each other when they've cried. Even before they were friends there was never anything he couldn't say to her. Until now, until this, he's never held back with her but he simply doesn't have the words to tell her that her boyfriend is in love with him. He justifies his silence by telling himself that it's not his secret to tell, that technically it's Finn's, but he still feels like a lying liar every time he sits and listens to her angst over her relationship with the quarterback and remains silent while she ponders why Finn seems so distant and sad lately.

He has no idea how to tell Rachel and he has no idea what to tell Blaine. He's stuck and he's afraid that one wrong move on his part is going to leave all four of them heartbroken. His instincts are at war with each other. He wants to go to Blaine but part of him feels like that would be outing Finn. He wants to tell Rachel the unvarnished truth but also wants to protect her from heartbreak. He wants to sit Finn down and talk about things but has no idea what he'd even say and doesn't think Finn's ready to hear any of it anyway. It's all so much, almost too much and as much as he aches for someone to share the burden he has no idea who that person could-or even should-be.

Then the decision is taken out of his hands because apparently, his boyfriend is a lot more observant than Kurt's given him credit for. Blaine comes to him one day, explaining his suspicions and citing several examples of Finn's increasingly possessive and aggressive behavior as evidence. Kurt doesn't even attempt to deny it. His relationship with Blaine is built on honesty and trust. He's never lied to Blaine, (not about anything that mattered. It really was for the best that the cleaners "lost" all of Blaine's cropped trousers) and he had no intention of starting. So he did the only thing he could and told the truth.

Kurt reached out, took Blaine's hand in his and said, "I know. I…I've known for awhile actually. I wasn't sure how…to say anything to you about it and truthfully wasn't sure that I should because the truth is Blaine it doesn't matter. I love Finn, but I'm in love with you. Finn, he's family and he's a good friend-one of my best friends-but that's all that he is. You are the other half of my heart. The only feelings that matter in our relationship are yours and mine."

To his credit, Blaine proves to Kurt that he was exactly the man Kurt believes him to be. He simply accepted Kurt's statement at face value and allowed Kurt to determine the best course of action. Kurt knows that someone else, someone less secure, less generous, less trusting, less Blaine, would have forced the issue, maybe even given him an ultimatum, but Blaine chose to have faith in them, to have faith in Kurt and damn if that didn't just make Kurt love him more.

They decided to continue to treat Finn's feelings with respect but not to let Finn have the power to dictate the course of their relationship or their behavior. Kurt promised Blaine he'd set firmer boundaries regarding how Finn treated his boyfriend and Blaine promised Kurt he'd come to him if any time for any reason the agreed upon solution was no longer working for him.

So they navigate the troubled waters together, determined to not let Finn's feelings negatively impact their relationship. It isn't easy but it's not impossible, and Kurt figures that until something happens to force a change that things are as good as they are going to get.

That "something" turns out to be Rachel. When Kurt and Blaine pull into Kurt's driveway her car is parked behind Finn's, prompting Kurt to remark that their talk must have well.

"You realize it's just as likely she thinks it went well when in actuality it was a complete disaster?" Blaine quips, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning to look at his boyfriend.

Kurt agrees but lauds the power of positive thinking before kissing Blaine and getting out of the car. They make it halfway to the house before Blaine remembers his cell phone is still in the car and rushes back to get it. Kurt shakes his head in exasperation and resists the Burt like voice in his head urging him to call out, "You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached," and makes his way inside.

He sees Rachel and Kurt in the living room, Rachel admiring his decorating skills and says hello. Rachel is unusually quiet but Finn immediately gifts him with a smile.

"Hello Rachel and don't you flash those pearly whites at me, they'll do you no good Finn Hudson," Kurt scolds as he unwinds his scarf, "you better thank your lucky stars that when I made my Holiday cookies I took your insatiable appetite for sugar and carbohydrates into consideration and made an extra tray otherwise I'd be forced to exsanguinate you right now." He smiles to take the sting out of the words and Finn grins back at him, his expression just a little too open for a man whose girlfriend is standing right next to him. Kurt can't be sure but he thinks he sees a flicker of something-perhaps suspicion flash across Rachel's face as she looks up at Finn but it's gone as quickly as it came.

Before Kurt has a chance to say anything else, Blaine is coming through the door, yelling out greetings of his own and carding his fingers through Kurt's hair to brush away bits of snow. Kurt's heart sinks just a little when Finn's eyes grow cold and his mouth thins out at the display of affection. He can't help the small sigh that escapes when Finn mumbles a terse hello to Blaine and escapes with Rachel into the living room. Kurt decides the best course of action is for he and Blaine to spend some time alone before dinner and he takes his boyfriend by the hand and leads him up to his bedroom.

Dinner can is more like a torture exercise than a family gathering. Rachel's presence seems to exacerbate the situation, causing Finn to be even more antagonistic towards Blaine than usual. Finn seems to have made it his mission to make sure Blaine never finishes a sentence and bring up topics that he knows Blaine can't contribute to. Blaine is desperately trying to hang onto his dapper persona and not lash out at Finn but Kurt can tell his patience for Finn's behavior has just about run out. Rachel is watching Finn like a hawk, her eyes growing more and more accusing as the dinner wears on and Kurt is pulling double duty, trying to keep Finn in line and keep Blaine involved in the conversation.

The bottom drops out when Finn makes a snide comment that implies Blaine isn't good enough for NYADA or New York. Kurt can tell that Blaine is done and he's two seconds from asking Finn if he wants to take it outside and suddenly Kurt has had enough.

"Finn Hudson, Blaine is amazingly talented, and his extracurricular activities from Dalton are quite impressive. Not only was he the lead soloist for the Warblers but he was on the lacrosse and fencing teams as well as a member of the academic decathlon team and a member of several student groups. He holds a perfect 4.0, is a valuable member of New Directions…," the words are just pouring out of Kurt and he knows Carol has to be uncomfortable and his dad is probably wondering what's gotten into his boys and he doesn't even want to think about what Rachel might be thinking but he can't stop talking because the only thing that matters to him is protecting Blaine, even if that means protecting Blaine from Finn.

Suddenly there's a firm, gentle pressure on his thigh. Blaine's touch is enough to calm and center him, rein him in and remind him that this is neither the time nor the place to declare war. He takes a breath to calm himself and turns to Blaine, with a small smile and says, "NYADA would be crazy not to take you."

Blaine then redirects the attention to himself and clues Finn, and the rest of the family, in on their college plans and oh that was a conversation Kurt was not prepared to have. NYADA was his first choice but Blaine had convinced him that there was nothing wrong with a safety school….or ten and they'd applied to several schools in New York and throughout the country.

Kurt had just…neglected to let anyone in on those fun facts, mostly out of embarrassment. Burt had tried earlier in the year to get Kurt to open up to the possibility that he might not get into NYADA and apply elsewhere.

Kurt hadn't taken it well. He chooses to block out the entirety of the memory but there may have been accusations of dream killing, emotional twirling and the dramatic throwing of his body across his bed as he broke down sobbing while Burt backed slowly out of the room.

"Kiddo," Burt says when Blaine finishes the list of schools they applied to, "I'm gonna start calling you the Kurt Whisperer. Don't ever leave us, I'll need you around when it's time to explain that designer boots and scarves are a want, not a need."

Kurt decides to let the comment slide because everyone seems to be in a good mood again. He hears Finn sigh and the look on his face is enough to make Kurt offer an olive branch in the form of a smile. Finn brightens instantly and-for reasons Kurt simply cannot fathom-begins to repeat a crude joke Noah told during lunch-and Kurt swiftly kicks him under the table and shakes his head. Finn raises his eyebrows at him and Kurt can't help but to laugh and they bump shoulders.

Dinner winds down and Burt and Carol flee the teenage angst of downstairs for the sanctity of their bedroom. Finn and Kurt are on clean up duty and Blaine and Rachel watch them from the doorway for awhile and then wander off into the living room.

Kurt feels Finn's touch ghost over the small of his back, guiding him into kitchen and internally panics, hoping that Blaine is distracting Rachel, that the pensive, penetrating gaze she kept leveled at Finn all night didn't mean what he thought it meant and she's still in the dark, blissfully unaware as opposed to trapped in this emotional quagmire with the rest of them.

Finn and Kurt make short work of the dishes-despite Finn's insistence on referencing that tasteless joke that Kurt absolutely did not laugh at-and gather up hot chocolate and some of Kurt's holiday cookies an after dinner treat. Kurt has no idea how, but he and Finn end up under the mistletoe together, which is just ridiculous because Kurt didn't even hang any mistletoe and suddenly the word vomit is back. Kurt launches into diatribe about how it's a stupid tradition and a poisonous plant and who the hell let something so pedestrian and trite make its way into his decorating scheme. He knows he sounds just a little unreasonable but he's afraid to stop talking because if he does he'll see just how much of a disaster this is because Rachel's looking at them and Blaine's looking at them and he can see in his eyes that Finn wants a kiss and if he can see it, he's pretty sure they can see it too.

Kurt finally realizes that the only way he's going to get out from under the mistletoe is to kiss Finn, so he gives him a small, affectionate but extremely chaste kiss on the cheek and steps away quickly.

Finn's face is so completely open that it almost hurts to look at him, to see all the love reflected there and know he can't return it breaks Kurt, just a bit. Out the corner of his eye he sees Rachel and Blaine whispering by the Christmas tree and his heart sinks because yeah, Rachel knows.

Kurt knows that he didn't steal Finn. He knows that he didn't sabotage their relationship and that Finn's feelings are not the result of any manipulations or seduction on Kurt's part. That knowledge does nothing to silence the little voice in the back of his head that sounds distinctly like Rachel calling him a backstabbing boyfriend stealer.

Kurt gets Finn's attention, snapping him out of whatever daydream he was in and they walk into the living room. Kurt sits his tray on the table and takes a seat on the sofa. Finn automatically takes the seat beside him and Kurt wants to hit him because his girlfriend is right there but he just makes eye contact with Blaine and cuddles into his boyfriend when Blaine takes the seat on his other side. Rachel gracefully claims the armchair and the sight of her sitting alone in the oversized chair intensifies Kurt's guilt tenfold.

Rachel's quiet, too quiet and Kurt's torn between letting her be and talking her ear off. He manages to find a somewhat happy medium and but after the stress of the evening he's spent and all he can really do is fold into Blaine and remind himself that it's not his fault.

Kurt can feel Finn looking at him but he's spent. Blaine seems to catch onto Kurt's mood because he simply holds him and gently runs his fingers through Kurt's hair while he prattles on about how excited he is to go to Vail with Blaine and his family and how much he likes Blaine's curls.

They struggle through a few minutes of small talk before Rachel says she's leaving. Finn walks her to the door and Blaine helps Kurt collect the mugs and cookie tray. Somehow, once again, Kurt finds himself under the mistletoe. This time though, it's with Blaine and Kurt feels a smile threaten to break through and then Blaine waggles his eyebrows at him and all the tension just drains away. Kurt knows that he's right where he needs to be with the person he needs to be with. He steps into Blaine's embrace, and their bodies fuse together until it's nearly impossible to tell where Kurt ends and Blaine begins. Their kiss renews and restores Kurt and he finds his solace and security in the slick slide of Blaine's tongue over his and the firm, gentle pressure of his boyfriends soft lips.

When they finally break away Kurt's melancholy has lifted and they notice they are alone. Blaine takes a deep breath and Kurt can tell he's gearing up to tell him something.

"Kurt, Rachel knows."

It's not unexpected but it still rocks him. Kurt fights down the urge to run out the door after Rachel and plead his case and instead steps back into his boyfriends arms.

"I figured as much. I never, ever wanted to hurt her," Kurt says softly. "Well, not recently. A couple of years ago I would have gleefully murdered her but now she's like the sister I never wanted and sometimes wish I didn't have but really don't know what I'd do without." Kurt feels the unshed tears burn his throat but he doesn't give into them, choosing instead to burrow further into Blaine.

"You aren't the one that hurt her baby," Blaine says, pressing a kiss into Kurt's temple, "and for what it's worth I don't think Finn meant to hurt her either."

Kurt knows. He knows that Finn didn't mean to hurt Rachel, he knows that Finn didn't mean to hurt himself, just like he doesn't mean to hurt Finn but he also knows that despite everyone's best intentions there's a whole hell of a lot of pain going around.

"I know," Kurt sighs, "I just wish there was some way for everyone I love to be happy."

He lets himself sink into Blaine's embrace, seeking the comfort and security that he always finds there. Kurt used to think having two boys in love with him would be like living some sort of dream. The reality, especially when its two boys that he genuinely loves and respects, is that it's more like a waking nightmare. He's not torn; there is no competition, no choice to make. His heart belongs to Blaine, but that doesn't stop it from aching for Finn because Kurt knows he's hurting, Kurt knows that he's the reason why and Kurt knows that all he can do is love him through it the very best way he can, even if it's not the way Finn wants him to.

He tightens his arms around Blaine, thankful that among the ruins of broken hearts and discarded dreams he's found someone real and solid to hold onto, someone he has no intention of ever letting go of.