Kurt almost dropped his phone in his lap. He knew his mouth was hanging open and that he needed to say something back to Blaine because the silence hanging over their connection could speak more than any words he could say and he didn't want that.
�
“Um, wow.” was all he could muster, because he was seriously reaching for accurate words to describe what was running through his head.
�
No one? Ever? Oh holy shit he wants me to be the first one? Oh my god, is this more than I wanted? No, no. I want Blaine. I want him for more than just this, but...what if it's bad for him, what if I ruin his first time, what if-
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Kurt mentally shook free of these thoughts and berated himself inwardly. He should be telling Blaine these things and he was still silent at the other end of the phone.
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“Ok, wait. Let me try that again because I don't think I'm setting the right tone with 'oh wow',” he said while giving a nervous laugh.
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“That would be nice, because I am kind of freaking out right now, and I know you must be, too...and I am so afraid that I've ruined this.” came Blaine's earnest reply.
�
“Oh, no. No, no, no. You have ruined nothing Blaine. I'm doing that for the both of us! Why would your sexual status ruin what we have – well, what we've started to build? Why would you even think that? I just, okay. Let me start again here, alright?”
�
Blaine gave what sounded like a shaky sigh and gave a brief, “Yeah, okay.”
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Kurt took a deep breath and tried to arrange his thoughts.
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“Blaine. When I first met you I was literally overcome with the...the youness of you. I have never met someone so...motivated, charismatic, alluring, whatever words you can possibly think of that mean intrigued and transfixed. That's how I felt. All at once. I couldn't breath. I certainly wasn't looking for you. I've never needed a boyfriend or another person to complete me. High school was hard and almost broke me. Leaving Lima was the best thing that ever happened to me...until you. Quite honestly saying all of this is the most I've ever opened up to any man – ever. Unless you count my dad and Finn, which I don't. I made beautiful walls Blaine, that you removed simply by existing.”
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He heard Blaine's take in a quiet breath, then a small sniff, low and muffled. Kurt kept plowing through, his chest too tight and his mind galloping ahead of his mouth.
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“And, you know, I thought it was okay. I thought it didn't matter but it did because since...since I met you I am the happiest I've ever been. The only thing that has been hard and sad the entire time is not being close to you, touching you, holding you. That night at your house, Blaine? I left and shook for hours, aching to stay, aching to be there with you, loving you – yes, loving because I didn't know it myself but I loved you then - just being in your space with you. And...and I don't need to have sex with you to stay with you. I don't need to have sex with you at all. I want to – oh my god, trust me, I do – but for the first time in my life I want because I love. I want because every cell in me says your name when someone mentions home or love or happiness. So....so if you're not ready or if you think that you're not sure if you want to give this, this...amazing life milestone to me, then that's just fine. Because...because it doesn't matter. It doesn't. As long as I can be near you. Love you.”
And Kurt stopped talking because wow, this was being naked for the first time with a man. Only this time it was his naked feelings laid bare for Blaine to tear or cherish. He felt like he was holding his breath, standing in the hallway of McKinley and waiting for the inevitable slushie. He felt his stomach lurch as the silence stretched.
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“Blaine?” he whispered. “Just...just tell me what you're thinking. I'm sorry if I freaked you out, I-”
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And then heard what he'd been missing – Blaine's shuddery breath on the other end of the line. Blaine inhaled quickly and then exhaled with a “whoooa.”
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“Kurt, I am not a crier. I did not cry at my parents' funeral. I just, I don't. Ever. So right now I am just trying to control this so I don't pass myself off as you know, less manly or something-”
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Kurt snorted, interrupting Blaine with laughter that just couldn't be contained.
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“Honestly Blaine, have we met? I'm probably the least manly person in the whole world! Trust me, you have enough 'manly' for both of us.”
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Blaine chuckled, sniffling, and Kurt felt light as air as the tension left his body.
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This is going to be okay, he thought.
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“It's just that, what you said. It's what I wanted to hear. Everything I wanted to hear, but I didn't think, didn't know, I don't know, thought that it would be some kind of stigma because I'm 30, Kurt. Who's a virgin at 30? You're the third man I've ever kissed. The first one you know about, because I told you what happened with my father and how I worked through college...but he also told me he would know if I stepped out of line. And he knew everyone Kurt. So I listened. I blindly followed the rules. The second one was at 25, drunk at a party, and ended with me leaving in...an embarrassingly messy way without an explanation. So, to me, it's this source of embarrassment that became like, I don't know, a badge of honor. It became this thing that I just couldn't give away blindly because it meant so much more than just a fuck. Just to get it out of the way or just to give in to wanting to be touched. It became about finding the right time, the right feeling, the right man. Trust me when I say: I want this. I want you to show me how this can be. I want you inside me – is that weird? Oh my god, what if you don't – whatever, we'll figure it out. All I know is that I'm ready for this. All of this.”
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Now Kurt's chest felt tight for an entirely different reason and he could feel the slide of Blaine's skin ghosting against his, a touch memory, and suddenly 5 days seemed like an eternity.
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He cleared his throat.
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“So...wow. Annnd there I am, back at eloquent again.”
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Blaine laughed and Kurt knew that he understood what he was feeling without Kurt having to say. Oh my god you want me to be the first to touch you. You want me to be the one who gets to fucking worship you first. See you come, undo you from the inside out. Me. Just me. My god, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
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“Okay, so,” he continued, hoping Blaine could hear the smile on his face, “Five days is going to feel like forever.”
“And then Christmas Eve...” Blaine continued, referencing the fact that Kurt would be arriving mere hours before his parents' soiree and thus they would have no time alone until late that night.
“We will survive,” Kurt intoned, “Like I said, it's going to be magical and everyone wants to meet you – which you should not be worried about, everyone loves you. Don't roll your eyes. And later...whatever happens, happens. No pressure and no worries – what will be will be.”
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“Have I mentioned how thankful I am that I can now tell you I love you? Because I love you.”
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Kurt smiled, settling into his sheets. “You may have mentioned something...”
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***
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Kurt was in his old room, agonizing over his wardrobe, and waiting impatiently for 6pm to arrive. He knew that the atmosphere this evening was supposed to be laid back but he wanted to dress up for Blaine. At least a little bit. He ended up settling on jet black jeans paired with his favorite Docs, a red tailored shirt, crisp and starched, matched with a vest that looked ordinary in the front but criss-crossed his back in strips that had no rhyme or reason and intertwined intricately. He supposed it would do.
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Riding home from the airport with his father he had told him about Blaine. Burt already knew that Kurt had been seeing Blaine, but Kurt filled him in on the past few weeks of their relationship, his excitement radiating off of him in waves. Kurt pretended not to notice as his father side-eyed him and grinned, happy to see his son in love for the first time.
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He heard the door downstairs open and shut and the cacophony that followed could only mean that Finn and family had arrived. He hummed to himself, checking his hair, and turned to the door only to hear hurried steps on the stairs.
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Elora.
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She burst in the room, a giggling blur of freckles and red hair, black satin party dress shining.
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“UNCLE KURT!” she screeched, launching herself at him.
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Kurt put his arms out and caught the radiant 7-year-old and she nestled into the security of his embrace.
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“And how are we tonight, lovely Elora?”
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She bounced in his arms and slid down, grasping his hand and tugging him toward the door.
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“I'm fantastic! Daddy told me we're going to meet your boyfriend. Are we going to, Uncle Kurt? What's he like? Is he nice? Will I like him? Where did you meet him? Is he special? Can I hug him?”
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Kurt laughed, pulling them down to sit at the top of the stairs, the railing glistening with garland. He held her hands in both of his as he spoke.
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“Well, so many questions! Yes you are going to meet Blaine. He is very nice, very smart, and he can play the piano AND the guitar and he can sing. He lives in a big old house all by himself so he likes company. I met him at the new music club in town. I think you will like him; at least I hope you will. Is he special?” Kurt pretended to think. Oh, Elora, if you only knew how special. “Yes, Elora. He is incredibly special. I think that he may be around for awhile, so be sure to be nice, okay? We'll ask him if you can hug him, because I don't know!”
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With that they made their way down the stairs and into the warmth of the rest of their family. Harmony, looking elegant in black, her thick red locks swinging gracefully down her back, was helping Carole with the ham in the kitchen while Finn was piling presents beneath the tree with their father. They had done this for so many years now – Christmas Eve dinner and present exchange – so that Finn and Harmony could celebrate at home on the morning of Christmas and then with her family the following evening. Kurt had missed many Christmases but he knew them all to be the same. Kurt put Elora down and crossed the living room to hug his brother and see what he could do to help.
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“Oh Finn, my niece tells me she's excited to meet my 'boooyfriend'. Did you have anything to do with this?” Kurt tried to look bitchy, but he knows he's failing miserably because Finn just grabs him in a gigantic bear hug that leaves him gasping.
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“I may have said something about it, but that one has BIG EARS when it comes to learning secrets,” Finn replied.
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“She is your child,” Kurt shot back, “It's a wonder it's only her ears that are big.”
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Finn went to swat at Kurt, knocking over a small pile of presents on the dining table, prompting Burt to belt out, “Guys, okay, enough horsing around! Let's get this all set before the boyfriend DOES arrive so don't catch any grief from the women-folk. They were pretty balled up about having this all set. Kurt, Carole got Blaine some things and she said she listened to everything you said about him to pick 'em out. It was all her doing so – ya know – if the presents were perfect then you can kiss her and if they're horrible it was all her fault. Don' tell her I said that, though.”
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Finn and Kurt locked eyes, beaming. Kurt realized that all the choices and plans he had made over the last week were the right ones and hummed softly to himself as he and Finn bent to replace the abused presents. Thankfully they didn't look too worse for wear. The last present was in place when the doorbell rang.
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Kurt glanced at the room, his heart in his throat, before moving toward the door. He heard Finn behind him as he entered the hallway.
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“Elora, now remember what I said. Blaine is very important to Uncle Kurt, so make sure that you use your manners and...”
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Kurt loved his brother so much.
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He got to the front door and saw Blaine's silhouette, taking his breath away. He was finally here. Kurt could touch him, hold him, smell him if he wanted to. He quietly told himself to get a grip and not maul the man in the hallway while he opened the door to the cold.
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Blaine immediately turned his gaze to Kurt's, stilling. They just stood there a moment, drinking each other in, before Kurt silently moved forward and hugged Blaine close, breathing the scent of him in.
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“I'm so glad you're here,” he whispered.
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“I am too,” Blaine replied, holding him closer. “I don't really want to let go, though, so let's do it together before it's too late and we make a run for it.”
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Kurt laughed into Blaine's shoulder and nodded, extracting himself from him and twining their hands together before pulling him inside.