“What?  You’re going to use the safe word now?  Now that you’ve made me comfortable and treated me like a gentleman?  You’re afraid of my tears?  Isn’t that grand.  I let myself be...be me tonight...allowed myself to accept this match - one that I never would’ve taken, ever - it was so intimate, Blaine.  So much of what I don’t have in my life and you’re breaking the deal because...wait, because why again?”

Blaine’s eyes widen and he’s grasping at Kurt’s shoulders, trying to get him to stop talking because no, no, no.  This isn’t what he meant by using the safe word.  Not even close to this.

“No, Kurt, please.  Shh...that isn’t why I said it.” Blaine pleads as Kurt removes himself from Blaine’s lap to stare down at him expectantly, his face set in a slight frown.

Blaine shifts, sighing, and reaches his hands up to Kurt, silently asking him to come back, to make him feel as complete as he had five minutes ago, Kurt’s head in his lap, his hair between his fingers.  Kurt just stands there, hands on his pajama’ed hips, waiting.

Blaine runs his fingers through his hair, gathering his thoughts.

“Ok, so...Kurt.  This place.  Desiderate?  It’s - I’ve never - Okay, so I never, ever thought I would go somewhere like that.  Okay?  Never.  And then I started working and the guys, well, one of the guys, he gave me this card.  And I just...I just kept it for the longest time and found out what it is that you do there and I was freaked out-”

Kurt makes a small sound in his throat, almost a whimper but more like a kicked puppy, and turns on his heel, stalking across the living room without pausing to get his things.  Blaine realizes his mistake, the word he had used, and scrambles from the couch, cushions flying, and chases Kurt to the door.  He reaches him as Kurt’s about to turn the knob, grabbing at his arms and turning Kurt to face him.  

His face is covered in tears, eyes dull, broken.  He has broken this man, this beautiful man that was just trying to help him.  Fuck.  FUCK.

“Nonononono, god, fuck, CHRIST.  This is so hard to say, I’m doing it all wrong.  Please, please just listen to me.  Please Kurt, one more chance?  I need to say this...” Blaine trails off, realizing he is holding Kurt roughly against the door which probably isn’t helping his chances here.

Kurt shakes his head violently, choking gasps caught in his throat as his tears stubbornly continue to flow.  He buries his face in his hands, hiding from Blaine, hiding from this place he’s let himself be put in.  He just wants to go, to run out into the snow that had begun to fall on their ride home.

Blaine loosens his grip on Kurt’s arms and gently, reverently runs his fingers through Kurt’s hair, trailing his fingertips down his cheeks to wipe at the tears there, letting them come to rest under his chin, cupping his face.  Kurt drops his hands and he lifts his face to Blaine  His eyes search Blaine’s and he’s not leaving, not fighting.  Blaine sees his chance - the last one he has he’s sure - and grabs at it.

“-I just couldn’t believe anything like that existed.  But...okay, so I’ve had one boyfriend.  ONE.  And my family, well, my DAD said it was not for me.  That a relationship fresh out of college would just make life hard for me and make me less marketable.  So I just...I just thought I would try this.  One time.  But I thought about what it’s like for the people who work there.  Why do they work there?  Do they want to work there?  Is this even right? And after I signed up for it I was miserable about it for the longest time because who does this?  Who signs up to make a connection and then lose it?  But hell, what did I have to lose, right?  Who was going to notice me?  Boring me on the whateverith floor, playing with numbers all day?  I used to be more, Kurt.  I used to be more me...but...it’s lost and I, just wanted to do something completely not me to find me.  Does that make ANY sense?”

Kurt laughs a little, sniffing.

“No.  Not really...but continue, Blaine...I kind of want to see where this goes, now.” Kurt replies, taking Blaine’s hands and removing them from his face, putting them at Blaine’s sides.

Blaine doesn’t know if this is a good or a bad thing so he presses on.

“So when that night happened - when you happened it was...it was the most amazing thing I’d ever done, Kurt.  I felt so...special.  Wanted.  And it wasn’t just the sex, even though damn, Kurt...what you did to me was...just...”

Kurt winces and Blaine sees, changing tack.

“...but it was dancing with you, feeling you around me.  I wanted to know you Kurt.  I wanted to know if it was just...just a set up.  Just...just the allure and drama of the ‘encounter’ I had asked for.  So I...I requested you again.  This time a date.  A real date.  And I hoped you would know it was because I wanted to know you.  I...Kurt I never intended to sleep with you tonight.  Never.  I intended to use the safe word from moment one.  But not because you did something wrong - god, no! You are perfect.  You are so fucking perfect and I - the word. I planned to use it because I wanted you and not the sex.  Tonight proved that to me in a million little ways and, god I’m rambling...do you understand?”

Blaine’s eyes plead with Kurt to hear him, to know what he wants and, fuck, what he doesn’t want.  

But instead Kurt just pushes his chest gently but determinedly and Blaine backs away, waiting.

“I...” Kurt begins, eyes filling with tears again and no, he’s not going to say- “...I can’t Blaine, I just...I can’t.”

Kurt spins, hands grabbing at the doorknob and gaining purchase.

And he’s gone.

***

In the morning Blaine is sure he could have explained himself better; said more...something, anything that might have made Kurt stay.  He goes over and over what he said in his head and realizes that he just didn’t say what he needed to say right away.  

I think I like you.
I think you are the most interesting person I have ever met.

I wish we had met another way but I’m glad we met at all.

He had spent the morning thinking about their date.  How Kurt had swept into his home and put himself out there for Blaine to see.  He was glad he now knew Kurt was being himself the whole evening; that it wasn’t some act he thought Blaine wanted to see.  He liked the Kurt that he had spent hours with.  Hours dancing, moving slowly through a room with hundreds of other people where all he could see was Kurt.  Hours listening to Kurt talk about his family, about completing his degree a little later than he had planned, about his goals for after graduation.  Blaine had asked him why he was late in doing these things but Kurt had avoided the question, instead asking Blaine what he thought of his job.

He doesn’t really think about his job, actually.  He likes his job in that it makes his mind work in a way that never leaves him bored.  But...when he leaves, he leaves.  It’s not a great love in his life.  Unlike Kurt, who seems to pour himself into everything he cares for.

Blaine finds that this is one of Kurt’s most appealing qualities.

So now he knows.  He knows that the spark that he felt at the club is more than just the ‘encounter’ and he knows that he wants to learn Kurt and everything he is.  

And now that is gone.  He has scared him away.  

Blaine decides that a nap is in order.  He makes his way to his couch, pulling the cashmere throw around him, and tries to sleep as snow drifts outside.

***

Kurt sleeps in and it is Neenah mewling for her lunch that finally rouses him, legs shuffling methodically around his small space, fingers deftly turning the can opener and filling her bowl.  He decides he doesn’t give a shit about who will see him and makes his way down to the bathroom to alleviate some of the distress in his bladder.

When he returns to his room he falls back into bed, unwilling to face the day.

He knows he needs to go to Desiderate to fill out last night’s paperwork.

He knows he needs to do it within 24 hours or he will be penalized with a $50 fee. “Details are fresher in the mind if done within this time frame.  Thank you for your consideration in this matter.”

He doesn’t give a fuck.  
Kurt is pissed off.  He thinks people in the next state can feel the anger radiating off of him like seismic waves.  

None of this is fair.  None of it.  

It’s not fair that he can’t live in the dorms anymore because he can’t afford it.

It’s not fair that Carole worries about him so much when she has all she can do to take care of herself.

It’s not fucking fair that his dad had the stroke when things were going so well.

It’s not ever going to be fair that his dad still hasn’t woken from the coma.  That last year at this time he thought he would be through with school in three months...and then March had happened.

It’s not fair that Carole hasn’t made the hard choice and let him go.

None of it is fair.  And now here’s Blaine.

Blaine Anderson, 23, Financial Wiz, Needs “something new” in his life.

Ugh.

Kurt wonders what HIS Desiderate File would say.

Kurt Hummel, 23, Art History Major, Needs Serious Psychological Assistance, Freelance Sex Provider

Kurt grimaces and buries his face in his pillow.

I HAD to leave, he tells himself, over and over.  It’s against the rules...I can’t feel this way about a client.  I can’t...I can’t.

But he already does.  Nikki knows it.  Hell, he thinks that even Miss CLARA knows it.

He wants Blaine Anderson.  Wants to dance with him and laugh with him like he had the night before.  He wants to be in Blaine’s pajamas and ask him about his dreams.  He wants to paint his eyes for him like he did last night and have the right to kiss his mouth while he does it, getting liquid liner all over their skin and not caring because Blaine is his.  

Why can’t he have that?

Why the FUCK not?

He’s never kissed Blaine.  Never tasted his lips.  And it’s not fucking fair, dammit.

Kurt shakes his head and screams into his pillow, willing himself to make the right choice.

But what is right?

***

Blaine is puttering, finding things for himself to do.

He doesn’t want to watch a movie; he’s seen them all.

He doesn’t need to clean; the company sends a maid twice a week and he’s organized anyway.

He doesn’t want to go outside; it’s too cold and he’s too irritable.

What he wants he can’t have.

Which is the way it has always been and will always be, it seems.

This is what he’s thinking to himself as he’s drying the last of the dishes from his sink, his hair still damp from his shower and then there’s a knock at his door.

He places the glass he’s holding into his cupboard, swinging the door shut and pacing out to get the door with an eyebrow raised.  Usually someone would call from downstairs.  Unless it was someone he knew or had had in the building...but that list was very short, there was his mother and father, Jules, and-

He was just completing the thought as he opened the door and was pushed back, hard by the person behind it.  Blaine was surprised, words stuck in his throat, as he was backed into the wall behind him, blue eyes piercing his.

Kurt pushes the door closed with his foot and keeps pressure on Blaine’s shoulders, his eyes roving Blaine’s face, mouth set in a line.

Blaine doesn’t dare to move, to breathe.  He waits as Kurt eyes him, letting him take all the time he needs as long as he doesn’t run away again.

Finally, finally he speaks.

“It’s me that you want?  Not some fantasy that I will never be?  I’m not that guy - that guy who hits on a man at a club and then fucks him against some bars.  I’m not that man who makes someone beg and grovel.  I’m not.  I’m just me.  I’m just...just Kurt.  And dammit, Blaine...”

Blaine nods emphatically and allows himself to circle Kurt’s waist with his arms.

“I do want you, Kurt.  I want the you I saw last night.  The you who cares about his family and friends, the you who loves musicals as much as I do, the you who made me ache as you put gold around my eyes because you’re so beautiful.  Kurt, it’s not about sex for me, we don’t even have to-”

And that’s when Kurt kisses him, leaning in quickly but meeting Blaine’s lips softly, hesitantly, and Blaine realizes they’ve never done this - not at the club and not last night.  The former was a drunken haze and the latter, well...it had turned out badly.  So he takes what he is being given - honest-to-goodness Kurt and Blaine groans when he feels Kurt’s tongue swipe at his mouth, pushing to gain entrance and he allows it, taking all that is being offered.  He takes it, feeling Kurt’s breath coming in harried pulls, the warmth spreading over his skin.  Kurt’s kiss is a healing balm, erasing today’s worries and doubts and replacing them with want and need.  Blaine’s eyes shoot open and he pulls back, afraid to be too eager, to lead Kurt to believe that this is all he wants and he needs to make this known.

“Kurt, you don’t have to do this, I just want-”

Kurt moves to place a finger over Blaine’s lips, a small “shhhh” escaping his lips.

“Blaine,” he whispers, placing small kisses up his jaw, leaving a trail of white-hot skin in his wake.  “I get it.  It’s not about the sex for you.  You want me.  You want to know me...and you will.  But I know you and I want you...all of you.  The fact that I’ve already had you this way just makes me want you even more.  So you don’t have to protect me from this.  You don’t have to think that you’re...you’re breaking me or something.  I.  Want. This.” Each word is punctuated with a soft kiss to Blaine’s lips, each one with a little more force.  “And I want you.  But...there is one thing you can do for me...”

“Anything.” Blaine breathes, his want barely held in check.

Kurt worries at his lower lip, his teeth catching and biting and Blaine sighs, leaning his head back and tapping it against the wall.  No one should be that fucking hot, he thinks as Kurt responds, fingers tangling in Blaine’s shirt and lips gliding down Blaine’s neck.

“This time I want you to fuck me.  It’s been so long since someone took the time to-”

And Blaine’s patience is broken, his body taking over and guiding them.  He is on Kurt, lips and teeth and tongue all finding and tracing the contours of his throat, his hands grasping at the strong body beneath them.  He pushes them backwards through the hall until they are in the living room, Kurt pulling on Blaine’s shirt and whimpering.  The disconnect long enough to disrobe, leaving a pile of clothes in their wake and Kurt moves to kiss him again but Blaine stops him, holding him at arm’s length and just looks...takes in the smooth expanse of his body, lean strength and muscle; his cock jutting out awkwardly, harsh red against his pale skin.  

“You are the most amazing thing I have ever seen,” he breathes, and Kurt blushes, color tinging his neck and shoulders before replying, “You should see yourself, thanks,” and they grin, barely containing the giddiness they both feel at this moment.

Blaine moves to the couch and removes the blanket from his nap, spreading it out on the floor and turns to Kurt.

“Sit down, okay?  I’ll be right back...get comfortable.”

Kurt nods, wondering why they are here instead of in Blaine’s bedroom but he doesn’t care.  Nothing matters but Blaine’s breath on his skin, Blaine’s words in his ears.

Blaine returns quickly, towels in one hand, lube in the other, a blush on his face.

“I thought these would be...necessary.” he shrugs and Kurt laughs, the sound filling the room.

“C’mere,” Kurt says, and he obliges, putting down the towels and meeting him in the middle of the room.

Kurt reaches up and twines his fingers in Blaine’s curls before kissing him in earnest, his tongue demanding entrance and licking into Blaine’s mouth, faster and harder than before.  His need is tangible, a mist enveloping them, and his hips buck on their own, seeking more.  

Blaine pulls back and pushes him down, retrieving a pillow from the couch and settling Kurt’s head onto it.

“Close your eyes,” he says and Kurt obeys, limbs silently shaking.  Blaine kisses his eyes, first one and then the other before moving down his cheeks, small kisse and tiny nibbles at Kurt’s skin.

“Blaine,” he whispers, his cock aching.

Blaine chuckles and continues his journey, making his way down the side of Kurt’s neck, first one side then the other, until he reaches Kurt’s chest...tongue licking, tasting, gathering Kurt’s smell and flavor in his mouth.

Kurt is panting above him, his hips canting up, seeking more, and Blaine stills him, his hands holding down Kurt’s thighs as his lips find each nipple, already hard and peaked as he teases them with bites and smooth licks.  Kurt arches his back and moans, the sound tearing through Blaine’s body, tattooing his nerves with desire.  But Blaine wait...wanting to make Kurt’s pleasure double, triple, quadruple.

When he finally reaches Kurt’s hips he licks each one in turn, sucking small marks into the skin there and feeling him buck beneath his hands.

“Blaine...fuck, Blaine, I want...fuck, I want...” Kurt pleads, his fingers rooted firmly in Blaine’s hair.

“What do you want, Kurt?” Blaine teases, his fingers walking paths over Kurt’s cock, torturing.

“Oh my god,” Kurt growls, “Fuck, Blaine...please...put your mouth on me.  I want your mouth everywhere.  Please...”

And Blaine complies, taking Kurt whole as he yells in affirmation, his voice echoing down the halls and through the open air.  He works magic with his tongue, tracing the contours of Kurt’s cock with his lips, his tongue flicking and dragging in all the right ways.

Kurt writhes and arches beneath him, Blaine’s name a melody and the sound of his mouth the bass.  Kurt hears the soft snick of the lube cap and he is suddenly slammed with redoubled pleasure as Blaine enters him with a finger, his mouth working in conjunction with his hands.  He works Kurt with his mouth and his hand, one tasting and laving while the other working at opening Kurt up, priming him for what’s to come.  

He has made his way to three fingers and found Kurt’s core, his whimpers and groans guiding Blaine and he knows Kurt is close, can hear it in his breath and see it in his body.  Blaine pulls off continuing with his hands.  

“Yes, Kurt...that’s right...so fucking gorgeous...” he whispers before taking Kurt deep.  He feels Kurt’s body tighten, all his muscles contracting and he comes, hot and swift, down Blaine’s throat as he holds tight to Blaine’s head and moans low in his throat.

Blaine pulls back, his fingers still firmly embedded in Kurt, and looks up as he grabs a towel to wipe his face.  Kurt feels weightless, his ears burning and his skin tingling as he watches Blaine under hooded eyes.

“You are fucking AMAZING,” Kurt sighs, and he moves to snuggle closer to Blaine.  “What now?”

“Now I’m going to please you,” Blaine replies as he slips his fingers gently from Kurt, again using the towel to help.  “C’mon, sit up...c’mere.”

Kurt eyes him questioningly but feels so empty and he needs to feel Blaine inside him...needs to know this side of Blaine.
“O...kay...” he says as Blaine arranges himself with loosely crossed legs.

“Wait...so...I’m going to what?  Climb aboard?” Kurt jokes, hiding his disappointment...he wants this but...well, he’s never done it this way and what if...

Blaine laughs out loud and makes grabby hands at Kurt, eyes rolling.

“In a manner of speaking, yes...but...no.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be doing most of the work.  You just come here.  Now.”  The last word is spoken but low and Kurt feels hunger spike through his veins and he moves to sit in Blaine’s lap.

“Ok, so...” Blaine begins, clutching Kurt’s hips and stilling him, holding him up before Kurt can sit. “...here’s what we do...you control things at first...take...take me inside of you, and wrap your legs around me.  Keep your arms around my neck and then...we’ll go from there.”

Kurt breathes in deep and settles his arms just as Blaine says, feeling Blaine pull gently on the muscles of his ass, opening him up, and he feels the head of Blaine’s cock before it enters him, filling him and it’s so thick that he inhales sharply, pausing where he is, willing himself to relax and slowly he does, sinking down until he is in Blaine’s lap, ass completely full.

His body aches with the need to move as Blaine captures his mouth, kissing him deeply, tongue fucking against his own, Blaine’s hips gently rolling and making him gasp.

“Fuck, Blaine...” he manages before lifting himself slowly, eyes locked on Blaine’s as their breath mingles and twists between them, sweat-slick skin sliding and he’s back down, lowering himself and groaning Blaine’s name.

They find their rhythm like this, Kurt’s arms wrapped around Blaine’s neck, mouths fused together, moans and words escaping as Blaine’s hips ride to meet Kurt’s and he is claimed over and over, so deep and so...Blaine.

Sex has never felt like this.  Ever.  Kurt has never felt so cherished, so pleasured.  It’s so much and he can’t stand it and he is crying Blaine’s name over and over and then...

“Kurt, fuck...Kurt...” Blaine moans, and he’s grabbing Kurt’s wrists and stilling his hips, moving Kurt’s hands and pushing him back, angling Kurt’s arms so he’s supporting himself while Blaine is still deep within him.  He is more open this way, feeling vulnerable as Blaine wraps his hands around his hips and thrusts, hard and fast, taking Kurt and owning him completely.  Kurt gasps and his arms feel weak and he struggles to hold himself up as Blaine fucks up into him.  He knows he’s speaking but he doesn’t care and doesn’t know what he says because everything is Blaine.  Kurt feels himself climbing closer and closer until he is coming again, covering his stomach, his arms giving way and his head on the pillow as Blaine keens his name and comes inside him, riding it out and clutching Kurt’s hips.
They are silent for a while, the room filled with breathing, growing softer and more composed as both men come back to their bodies, Blaine pulling away to retrieve towels and clean them both off.

Blaine wraps them both in the blanket and they are entwined, mouths inches apart when Kurt speaks.

“This is right,” he says as he burrows his head into Blaine’s neck, Blaine’s eyes closing with a smile on his lips.