Burt Hummel is a practical man.

He's never been one for the unwavering optimism his first wife, Elizabeth, had harbored, nor the subtle art of manipulation his son has spent the past sixteen years perfecting. Burt prefers blunt and to-the-point. An "in your face" attitude, his wife Carole teases. "Austere and inexorable," his son Kurt often describes, usually with an arched and unimpressed look to match.

Burt doesn't know much about that - he's not one for frilly words, and he has the sneaking suspicion his son has used that to his advantage on more than one occasion - but he gets the gist of it. Burt Hummel's a straight-forward thinker, and has the language to match. He doesn't pussy-foot around topics, or take too much care to coddle his words. His problem-solving skills are basic and uncomplicated: see the problem, assess the problem, fix the problem.

It's why he's so good at his job. There's only so much that can go wrong with a car's engine, and Burt prides himself on his ability to root out the core issue, and make a quick and thorough fix. He's not known as the best mechanic in Lima for nothing.

So when Carole comes to him one evening with worries about their son, Finn, and his less-than-stellar track record with dating - Burt vaguely recalls a hot tub fiasco Kurt once described as "Darwinism rearing its ugly head" - it takes less than five minutes for Burt to come up with a solution.

"This is such bullshit!"

Burt's a hell of a problem solver: that doesn't necessarily make him a popular one.

"Language!" Carole admonishes over her cutting board, glaring sternly at her son as she puts the finishing touches on the family's morning meal.

Having expected some sort of outburst, Burt watches with unconcerned amusement from his spot at the kitchen table as Finn shoots him a dark look before turning imploring eyes on his mother. "Mom, you didn't seriously agree to this - there's no way ..."

He trails off, his shoulders drooping dramatically when his mother shrugs and replies without taking her eyes off her task, "I think it's a reasonable request, Finn."

"There isn't anything reasonable about it!" Finn swoops his accusing glare between his mother and Burt furiously, nearly howling with rage when Burt picks up the morning paper and flips to the Sports Section, completely unaffected. "Burt, you can't do this, it'll be the end of my social status at McKinley, I need to date girls -"

"From what last year's report cards tell me, what you need is to figure out your priorities," Burt counters as he calmly turns a page. "You're a senior, Finn. Time to start planning for the future. The girls aren't going anywhere. It won't kill you to go without 'em 'til the end of the year."

By the look on Finn's face, he very much believes otherwise. "C'mon, Burt, all the other guys at McKinley are dating -"

"All the other guys at McKinley didn't think they impregnated their girlfriends via jet stream, either." Burt sends a wry look over the top of his paper. "Got a response for that one, smart guy?"

Carole hides a giggle behind a cough, while Finn gazes mutinously at both of them.

Burt shrugs and goes back to his paper, hiding his grin from view. "Besides, not all of 'em are dating." At Finn's confused look, Burt hints, "Your brother?"

Finn rolls his eyes as he throws himself into one of the kitchen chairs. "Kurt doesn't count, no one'll go out with him."

"Thank you for that stunning vote of confidence," a sardonic voice says from the kitchen door; Burt, Carole, and Finn all turn to watch as the fourth and final member of their family joins them. Burt's chest expands with warmth and pride as he watches Kurt pause on his way to the table to peck a kiss onto Carole's cheek.

"Morning all," Kurt greets breezily as he slips into the seat across from Finn. He pats Burt's forearm affectionately before arching a look at his brother.

Finn sees the look, and hastens to explain, "It's just 'cause you're the only gay kid at McKinley! I mean, I bet if there was another gay guy at school he'd totally be into you, because you're ... y'know, hot and stuff, or whatever."

Kurt snorts as he pours himself a glass of orange juice. "Always the charmer, Finn."

"Doesn't matter how charming I am, since your dad won't let me date anymore!"

"Really?" Kurt's eyes glance curiously over to Burt, who grunts in affirmation. "I feel as if I owe you a fruit basket now."

"An extra piece of bacon at breakfast tomorrow'll do." Burt reaches over to ruffle his son's hair, backing off with a chuckle when Kurt pointedly ducks and slaps his hand away.

Carole joins them with the fruit salad, and Kurt helps her to dish it out. They dig into the meal, Finn letting out disgruntled grumbles every so often between massive bites of pineapple and banana.

"I don't understand why you're so upset by this," Kurt comments off-hand, after catching Finn mumble something about losing important street cred. "Far as I'm concerned, Dad's doing you a favor."

"Yeah, well." Finn slouches moodily in his seat, scowls when Carole admonishes him for it, and reluctantly straightens. "It's not like you've ever dated anyone"

"Shockingly enough, the moronic ingrates at McKinley High really don't do much for me."

"Y'know, if you didn't walk around school acting like you're better than everyone, you might make some friends -"

"And if you weren't so obsessed with your image, you might come to the conclusion that your own circle of groupies proves the theory of evolution still has some kinks in it -"

"Knock it off, both of you." Burt has to fight back a snort as he watches his two boys glower at each other. Kurt sniffs aloofly and takes a dainty bite of grape, while Finn huffs and stabs viciously at a strawberry. "Kurt, quit goading your brother. And Finn, lighten up, kid. I'm not asking you to take a vow of celibacy, here -"

"Though humanity would thank you for it ..."

"That's enough, Kurt." Burt stares pointedly until Kurt sighs and goes back to his breakfast. Burt is a huge fan of Kurt's ruthless sarcasm, loves that his kid found a way to hold his own in a world that would love nothing more than to see him beaten down, but the murderous look on Finn's face is showing him that Kurt's merciless opinion on this subject isn't doing them any favors this morning.

"Your mom and I just wanna make sure your head's on right, bud." Finn kicks his long legs out moodily at this, crossing his arms huffily. "It's an important year for you guys, and it'll be easier for you to focus if you're not constantly worrying about girls."

"That whole mess with Quinn your sophomore year took a lot out of you, sweetie," Carole adds, when Burt's words appear to do nothing to appease Finn. "Girlfriends and relationships are hard work, Finn. We just think you might need a bit more maturing before you're ready for them."

Kurt scoffs, "A bit more?" and quickly ducks his head when Burt levels a glare his way.

"Well, what about him?" Finn gestures across the table at Kurt, who looks blankly back. "Do the same rules apply for him, too?"

"Did you not just hear me say how nobody at McKinley has the proper amount of firing synapses for me -?"

"It's a new school year," Finn points out impatiently. "Some dude who likes dudes could transfer in, you never know! One with enough synopsis fires or whatever, even."

Kurt shakes his head and clucks his tongue impatiently, "Don't be delusional, Finn -"

But Burt holds up a hand to cut Kurt off. Inspiration has struck, swiftly and unexpectedly, and the elder Hummel gazes speculatively between his two sons, thinking quickly. He wants to keep Finn focused and out of trouble this year, but more importantly he wants to keep both his kids happy. And, without getting ahead of himself, he may have just figured out a way to do both. "Finn has a point, kiddo."

Kurt rolls his eyes again, his here we go gesture clear, but doesn't interrupt as Burt continues, "We're an equal opportunity household. We keep things fair and even. What goes for one son goes for the other, right?"

"Well, I assume I'm exempted from the get a girl pregnant, and I'll knock you into next week rule -"

"What goes for one goes for the other," Burt repeats firmly, overriding Kurt's snark with a well-placed look. "You may very well meet someone this year, kid, as unlikely as that might be -"

"Because Lima is practically Gay City, U.S.A -"

"As unlikely as that might be, I don't want you wasting an opportunity to experience something everyone else your age gets to. So!" with a loud clap of his hands, Burt's effectively got every eye in the kitchen trained on him. Finn looks hopeful, Kurt skeptic. Carole just seems to be enjoying the show. Burt sends her a wink, then grins broadly. "New rule! Finn, you can start dating again ..."

"Yes!" Finn fist-pumps the air.

"... If Kurt does."

But watches with a chortle as Finn turns hopelessly pleading eyes on Kurt, who glances between him and Burt, chews thoughtfully on a slice of orange, and shrugs. "Might want to update the virus protection on your computer, big guy. I have a feeling you're going to be putting those bookmarked web pages to good use this year."