Damn, he was hungry. All he'd had for lunch was a banana, flushed down with some coffee. The combination of those two tasted awful by the way.

The ache in his stomach was nauseating.

He sauntered into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Hunching down, he scanned the contents for something marginally edible, while taking out a can of diet coke and draining half of it, followed by a rather unrefined burp.

He settled for a slice of leftover pizza, from two nights ago. Not even bothering to warm it up, he just deposited the food on a plate and carried it to the living room, where he plopped down on the couch. He toed off his shoes and shrugged off his shirt, leaving him in his black jeans and a white short sleeved undershirt.

Ugh... that cold pizza tasted like cardboard... But he was hungry, so he would've eaten pretty much anything. He just stared mindlessly at his blank TV-screen while he nibbled on the bland tasting food.

His trance was suddenly broken by the chirping ringtone of his cell phone.

Kurt swallowed the last bit of food down, wiped his mouth and grabbed the whining device from the coffee table. Mercedes' smiling picture was showing on the screen. Chuckling softly, he answered the call.

"Hey, Mercedes!"

"Hey, Boo! Listen, I'm so sorry I haven't called you sooner. I'm such a lousy friend lately!"

"No you're not, honey, I know you're busy. We all have a lot on our plate, right? I know with the teaching and glee club, your days are pretty much stuffed as it is. Don't fret about it, it's not like I call you all the time too."

He heard a little sigh on the other end of the line.

"No boo, you don't. That's what worries me sometimes. I never hear from you."

Kurt didn't answer. What could he say? It was the truth.

"Kurt, please tell me, how are you doing now? I'm really worried, Finn told me yesterday you don't even get out of the apartment anymore lately, except to go to work."

"Well that's not true; I go shopping for groceries twice a week!" Kurt quipped.

"Kurt..."

"I'm sorry, baby... Yeah; I just don't feel like it."

Kurt heaved a deep sigh, and decided to spill his guts to his friend.

"Mercedes, I don't know what to do anymore. It's been over 4 years since Sam passed away, and this is really getting ridiculous. I mean, it should be getting better, right? But it's only getting worse... I mean, I know how this is supposed to go. I went to that mourning counselor last year; I read the books... I know about the five stages of grief; Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Fine, I get it. What I don't get; is why after all this time I'm still stuck in the depression stage... It sucks and I fucking want out!"

"Damn Kurt... Listen; do you want me to come over so we can talk some more?"

Kurt thought about it for a minute. He really could use a healthy dose of Mercedes right now, along with some hugs and cuddles. But he was also really, really tired, and he sure as hell didn't want to suffer another emotional breakdown. Twice had been enough for one day, thank you very much.

"That's really sweet, and I'd really like to, but I'm just too exhausted right now... I'm just going to hit the sack, I guess."

"Okay honey, that's cool, but you shouldn't be alone all the time. We need to get together! Hey, wanna come over on Saturday? We could watch a movie and talk, and around 7 PM Finn, Rachel, Mike, and Tina are coming over to play on the Wii."

Kurt hesitated... Saturday...

"Actually, I can't Saturday."

"Gotta work, huh?

"No... no no... I'm uhm... I might be... going on a date Saturday night."

"WHAT?" Mercedes shrill shout almost popped his eardrum. "You're going on a DATE? With who?"

"It's that Dr. Anderson I told you ."

"Oh my god. That hot Dr. McDreamy? So you finally caved in?" Mercedes was having way too much fun with this, in Kurt's opinion.

"For your information, I did no such thing!" he scoffed. "I haven't even said yes yet."

"But you're going to do it." Mercedes simply stated.

"I... Yes. I'm going on a date with doctor McDreamy. Happy now?"

"Yes, Kurt." she uttered softly, "I am happy for you. I'm so glad you're..."

"I'm scared," Kurt blurted out.

"Scared of what?"

"Everything; spending time with another man, opening up to him, getting close, falling in love, being vulnerable, ending up hurt, losing everything..." Kurt's voice was trembling now.

"Kurt, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure."

"You and Sam were together for six years... You were happy, Kurt, you two were crazy about each other. And then he got sick, and died. And it broke you."

"Yes?" Kurt wasn't sure where this was headed.

"Well, if you would've had a choice, would you have given up on those six happy years with Sam and all the love you shared? Would you rather not have had Sam in your life, so you'd have been spared the heartbreak after his death?"

Kurt didn't even have to think about his answer.

"No! I would not have given him up. Sam is the best thing that ever happened to me. I would suffer a lifetime of this hurt for one more day with him."

Mercedes heaved a sob in response, cleared her throat, and spoke.

"Well there you go, sweetie. If you think love is worth the pain, you have to go for it."

"I know, baby. I will. Come Saturday night, I'll go for it. I promise." Kurt had a feeling he was trying to convince himself rather than Mercedes.

"Okay, boo, that's fine. Listen, I'm gonna let you go to sleep now, okay? Will you call me on Sunday? I'll wanna know how that date went. Now sleep tight," she chuckled.

Kurt smiled. "Of course. Bye, Mercedes."

Rummaging in his wallet, Kurt finally found the rumpled piece of paper with the big coffee stain on it. It wasBlaine's cell phone number. He'd given it to Kurt during the fourth or fifth date proposal.

Kurt started typing the number, but then decided against calling. He'd just send Blaine a text. And pray to cheesus he wouldn't call him back, because Kurt was just too tired to talk anymore.

Dr. B., Yes. I'll go on a date with you. Saturday is fine. - Kurt H.

Kurt pressed 'Send' and glanced at the clock with a smirk.

Exactly 47 seconds later, a reply came in.

Really? That's great! I'll pick you up at 7 PM! Wear something nice but not too fancy. Casual chic :) - Blaine

You're telling me what to wear? Seriously? - Kurt

I'm not telling you, I'm saving you the trouble of asking me what you should wear ;) - Blaine

Kurt giggled and tossed his phone on the coffee table. He stretched out on the couch, and stared at the ceiling. He was just too freaking tired to change into his pajama shorts and top, or to crawl into bed.

So he remained on the couch, closed his eyes, and let the memories wash over him...

He would never forget the day he met Sam at McKinley. It was like being struck by lightning. Kurt had immediately known Sam was gay.

Sad thing was: Sam himself didn't know... So for a while, Kurt just pined for the blonde, blue-eyed boy. His heart had shattered when Sam and Quinn started dating. His heart had soared when just two weeks later, Quinn dumped him.

The turning point came about a month later. Things had gotten really ugly with Karofsky at the time, and that day it had escalated in the worst way possible.

Kurt couldn't breathe. Karofsky had him pinned against the wall of the empty gym locker room, his large, strong hand wrapped around Kurt's throat. Kurt was about to black out, when the big jock loosened his grip. Kurt slumped and fell onto his hands and knees, gulping for air. He barely had time to recover, because seconds later he was dragged up and slammed against the wall again. Kurt cried out in pain.

"Shut the fuck up, you little faggot." Karofsky hissed into Kurt's ear. His whole body was pressed up against Kurt's, keeping the smaller boy unable to move. Kurt was still panting from being choked seconds ago.

"You like that, huh? You little whore... Maybe I should just rip your fancy little outfit off and fuck you, right here, right now," He gave a violent thrust with his hips to emphasize his threat.

Kurt felt his blood run cold.

"N-No...NO!" He cried hoarsely, "Leave me alone! Just... leave me alone..." he whimpered, sickened by the sound of his own, weakened voice.

Karofsky chuckled. "Well, if the lady says no, I'm going to back off then..."

Kurt let out a small whimper in relief. "But I'm going to make you a little promise, princess," Karofsky breathed into his ear "You tell anyone, ANYONE, about last time, about that kiss that YOU forced upon me...? I'm going to make this look like a picnic. I'll fuck you until you bleed, and then... I. WILL. KILL. YOU." And with that, he sucked on Kurt's earlobe and bit down hard.

Kurt screamed. He felt the warm blood squirting out of the wound.

"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!"

Before Kurt could register who was yelling, he felt Karofsky being pulled off of him. Pressing his hand quickly to his ear, he crashed onto the floor. When he looked up, he saw Karofsky lying on the floor, being punched and kicked by an outraged Sam, who was shouting and swearing in between punches.

Then everything went black.

As he gained consciousness, he noticed he wasn't in the locker room anymore. He was lying on a hospital gurney, in some emergency room. He turned his head and saw Sam sitting next to him, his head in his hands.

"Sam...?" Kurt whispered. Sam's head snapped up.

"Kurt? Are you okay? Damn, I was worried sick."

"Yeah... Just my ear, I guess. It stings. And my throat hurts a bit."

"I know, that son of a bitch... The nurse patched your ear up though. But I'm afraid your Marc Jacobs jacket is covered in blood..."

Kurt couldn't help but emitting a small giggle. "Sam Evans, how the hell would you know that jacket was Marc Jacobs?"

Sam smiled shyly and shrugged.

"The doctor said you're free to go whenever you feel like it. They checked you and you should be alright. She left some painkillers just in case." Sam showed him the little plastic foil with two huge white tablets in it.

Kurt shook his head "No that's fine... Could you help me get up? I'm still feeling a bit woozy."

"Sure!" Sam got up, grasped Kurt's hands, and carefully pulled him up into a sitting position. Kurt ended up sitting on the gurney, facing Sam, only inches between them.

"Thanks for saving my ass." Kurt breathed, not knowing what else to say.

"You're welcome. I would save your ass any day." Sam grinned.

Kurt felt himself flush.

"Where's Karofsky?"

"Cops took him away, well; they had to take a detour to the hospital first actually. I messed him up pretty bad... He physically harmed you and threatened to rape and kill you. Luckily Puck and I had just come in when he threatened you. There were witnesses, so he won't get off easily. And the strangling marks on your throat speak for themselves, really. He might be going to juvie, but one thing's for sure, he isn't coming back to McKinley. Figgins expelled him on the spot."

"Oh thank god... I'm so lucky you were there. I really thought he was going to... you know..." Kurt shuddered at the thought.

"Hey..." Sam took Kurt's face into his hands and made him look into his eyes, "I will make sure nobody ever hurts you like that again. Ever."

Kurt's breath hitched. There was a strange, mesmerizing glow in Sam's eyes. "Y-you... you can't protect me... You can't walk around being my bodyguard..."

Sam smiled sweetly, and slowly leaned closer, two pairs of blue eyes still boring into each other. "I don't want to be your bodyguard," he murmured.

Kurt had to suppress a moan. "Then what... do you want to be?"

Sam, who was still holding Kurt's face in his hands, responded by finally closing the gap between them, and pressing a soft kiss against Kurt's lips.

Kurt was now pretty sure Karofsky had killed him, because this was heaven and he was being kissed by an angel. His sweet, sweet angel Sam...

That had been the start of their relationship. From that day on, Kurt had a boyfriend, and he was no longer the only gay kid out at McKinley. It had also meant the end of the bullying, the taunting and the slushie facials. The news about Sam beating the crap out of Karofsky - which resulted in a shoulder fracture for the jock - had spread around the whole school like a fire. Nobody wanted to be on the receiving end of a repeat performance, so they left Sam and Kurt alone.

Their relationship had never been just another high school romance. It lasted for six years. The two teenage boys grew into men, and they did it together, as best friends, as soul mates, as lovers, all the way.

After they graduated, Sam landed himself a job at Burt's garage. Sam had barely managed to graduate high school, and it was only thanks to massive amounts of tutoring from Kurt that he even made it at all. He just wasn't cut out for it. He didn't mind working at Hummel's garage though. He actually quite liked getting his hands dirty, and he was good at fixing and tweaking cars.

Burt had been glad to take him on board. He'd always known Kurt wouldn't follow into his footsteps, but having Sam, who was pretty much his son-in-law, working with him, well that was the next best thing really. And who knew, maybe Sam would take over the place after Burt had retired, and it would still stay in the family...

Sam having a job also meant that he could provide for Kurt and himself. During the summer after graduation, they moved into a small but cozy apartment, a few miles away from the Hummel-Hudson household.

At the end of summer, Kurt started his lessons at the Ohio Fashion Academy.

And life just went on.

Kurt was at the beginning of his final year and desiging his final collection; the one that would get him to graduate and be able to move on to become a real designer.

Maybe he would be able to convince Sam to go to New York with him. Kurt had yet to visit the city of wonders, seeing as the New Directions never managed to place for Nationals. Kurt had many dreams. Big dreams, for him and Sam.

But then it all went to hell.

Kurt had been home, busy coloring a design for an evening gown, when his phone rang. It was his dad, calling from the hospital, telling him that Sam had fainted at work, and had been taken away by an ambulance.

That second, the horror had started.

The rest of the day had passed in a blur. Kurt remembered snippets of it; seeing Sam, lying pale and unconscious in that hospital bed. Sam's family, worried and crying. Tests being run, doctors and nurses entering and leaving the room, and then the final blow. The doctor telling them that he was sorry to inform them, that Sam had a very aggressive brain stem cancer. And that it had spread throughout his body. It was terminal. All they could do was prolong his life with a combination of chemo- and radiation therapy. But he probably only had six months left anyway.

Sam proved them wrong. He lived for another fifteen months. Fifteen heartbreaking months. Kurt dropped out of the academy to take care of his boyfriend. He didn't tell Sam he'd quit school. He made something up about going on a hiatus, and how he would continue his studies later.

But he wouldn't. The minute Kurt found out he was going to lose the love of his life, he lost his inspiration and will to create. Life had lost all its color. So how could he design anything?

The long stays in the hospital, and taking care of Sam during those many months, made Kurt decide to get a nursing degree instead, after Sam's death. Taking care of somebody else was the only thing that had any meaning for him anymore. But he didn't tell Sam that. Kurt didn't want him to know that his illness and death would change Kurt's future that much. It just would have added to his pain. Kurt needed to be strong for Sam.

He spent the next fifteen months taking care of Sam, as he gradually became sicker, and more helpless. He helped him through all the misery and pain, loved him, comforted him, lived for him, until the day Sam closed his eyes forever. And that day, a big part of Kurt died too.

Kurt was still lying on the couch. He had turned sideways, and was now lying in a fetal position. Clearly sleep wasn't going to come easily. Again.

His mind wandered back to Sam's funeral.

It was the worst day of Kurt's life. Worse than the day Sam died; because this really meant goodbye. The casket would be closed for good, and Sam would be buried, forever out of reach.

Kurt was a composed mess that day. He put on his best suit, and made sure he looked his best. Sam had spent six years telling Kurt how beautiful he was, so he wanted to be just that, for Sam, for the very last time.

The funeral chapel was packed with people. Every single member of the New Directions was there too. They'd all come to mourn Sam, and to express their love and support for Kurt.

Kurt had asked his old friends from glee club to help him with the funeral. A few weeks before his death, Sam had started planning the whole thing. He'd asked Kurt to sing during the ceremony, saying he wanted the sound of his boyfriend's voice to give comfort to the mourners, just as it had comforted him during his illness.

Kurt didn't believe in God. But he had to believe that Sam was still with him, somehow. He needed to believe that Sam wasn't completely gone. So he wrote a song, expressing his belief and his hope that Sam would always be there; next to him.

But he was scared his voice would give out under the strain of the emotions. So he'd asked his friends to stand by him as he sang, as backing vocals, but most importantly, to continue singing if he wouldn't be able to.

And so Kurt found himself surrounded by his circle of friends, as the piano music began to play. Mercedes and Rachel both stood at his side, each one slipping a hand into his.

Focusing on the casket, Kurt began to sing.

I'm standing here in front of all
Dozens of people
But, oh, it's just me and you

I really never thought you'd go
But I still call you when I fall
Yeah, I still call

And I miss the way you held me
And squeezed me in your arms
I miss our conversations
Strongly, yet so calm

And oh oh

I miss you now

And I still raise my voice and sing out loud
'Cause I know that you can hear me
I still lift my head up to the sky
'Cause I know that you can see me

You're still with me

My words can never tell enough
Of how your joy could rise above
Wild and free

You bring back all the strength in me
When I'm lost in my uncertainty
Oh, be next to me

I know you're praying for me
I see the candle flame
You say: "Don't worry about tomorrow
Embrace the gift of today"

And oh oh

This is your way

And I still raise my voice and sing out loud
'Cause I know that you can hear me
I still lift my head up to the sky
'Cause I know that you can see me

You're still with me

You're the liquid in the rain
Washing worries away
You're the whisper in the wind
Speaking words of wisdom
You're my eternal friend

I still lift my head up to the sky
'Cause I know that you can see me
And I still raise my voice and sing out loud
'Cause I know that you can hear me

I still lift my head up to the sky
'Cause I know that you can see me
I know
You're still with me

I'm standing here in front of you...

The music died down, and deep inside, Kurt knew he wouldn't be singing again for a very long time, if ever again. He bowed his head and let the tears flow. Mercedes softly put her hand on his shoulder and guided him back to his seat.

Still lying on the couch, Kurt wiped away his tears angrily. He was sick of all this crying. He pulled a comforter from the back of the couch, threw it carelessly over his body, lay back down, and closed his eyes.

He was damned if he wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. Again.

Tbc