Aug. 19, 2013, 3:17 p.m.
The Starring Role: Chapter 14
E - Words: 4,269 - Last Updated: Aug 19, 2013 Story: Complete - Chapters: 18/18 - Created: Feb 23, 2013 - Updated: Aug 19, 2013 90 0 0 1 0
The Starring Role
Chapter 14
Blaine woke up, dazed and a feeling of regret in his chest. He rubbed at his swollen eyes and stretched in the empty bed as the flood of memories from the previous night washed over him. Kurt was gone, and it was all because Blaine drove him away.
His throat tightened and he bit his lip hard. He refused to cry. Tears never solved anything for him, and they weren't going to help him out now.
He sat up angrily and huffed in annoyance. It was his own fucking fault because Blaine was too scared to do anything. He knew he would never be happy living this life while hiding behind his career. It was a feeling that creeped up on him in high school but he shoved aside because it was just easier that way. Now that the walls around him were tearing down, he couldn't ignore the feeling any longer.
Blaine stood up, mentally kicking himself for being such an idiot. He went into the bathroom and took a cold shower, hoping that the chill would distract him from any emotions he was feeling. The shower still smelled like Kurt, and that only made Blaine feel even worse. So much for that idea.
Blaine got out and dried himself, wrapping his towel around his waist and walking out to the main room. He caught sight of a note folded up on his nightstand. Heart pounding, he raced towards it, sitting down on the bed as he frantically unfolded it.
Blaine,
I couldn't handle saying this to you in person. Thank you for the past nine months. You've shown me so much, both good and bad. I had a wonderful time with you, but it's best for both of us to move on. I can't sell myself short from what I deserve, and neither should you. I love you, Blaine. Don't ever forget that. If you're ever in doubt about the love you receive, remember that I loved you and still do. I hope that everything works out for you and you find happiness in your life because you deserve it. Be strong and courageous. I'll never forget you.
Kurt
Blaine ran his fingers over the ink on the paper. His throat tightened again as he let the letter slip from his hand and watched it float to the ground. That was a goodbye letter if anyone had ever written one. Blaine shook his head and propped his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his open hands.
"You've done it this time, Blaine Anderson. You just can't get it right."
He shook his head again and did the best thing he knew how to do: shut off his emotions and go on with the day.
A few weeks later, Blaine traveled back to Ohio to visit Lindsey again. Things went over just about as they always do. They ate dinner, they talked for a bit, they argued...same routine as always. Except now, everything seemed to remind Blaine of Kurt - or rather, his absence. When he watched a movie with Lindsey, he realized he would never be able to have Kurt curl in on him again. They'd never be able to hold hands again, Blaine wouldn't be able to use Kurt as his pillow, he'd never see those magnificent blue eyes that danced in the light...it was all gone.
Lindsey sighed audibly.
"You're acting weird again."
Blaine didn't take his eyes off the television screen that he wasn't watching. "No I'm not."
"I'm gonna call bullshit, Blaine. You've been acting weird for almost a year now and I really don't know what to do."
"I've been acting the same," he said flatly.
"Just talk, Blaine. I'm trying to be nice here."
"Lindsey, I have never talked about my emotions. What makes you think I'm gonna start now?"
"Whatever." She stood up and walked towards the stairs. "I'm trying to be decent here and you just shut me out. Go ahead and mope about how terrible you think your life is. I'm going to take a bath."
Blaine shook his head. "You are such a bitch," he said casually.
She turned on her heels.
"And you're an asshole. I'm trying to understand you but you just won't talk to me!" she pointed at him.
"You know, every time you try to make me feel bad, it just doesn't work anymore? I'm immune to your petty games."
Lindsey scoffed and stood in front of the TV, blocking his view.
"Can you move?" he asked with a huff.
"No. I'm sick and tired of you doing this constantly. You don't care about me!"
"Like you care about me?" Blaine asked credulously. "I can't care for someone who doesn't return the feeling."
"All I've fucking done is support you in everything!" she shouted. "How don't I care!"
"Bullshit!" said Blaine standing up. "Nothing I ever say or do is enough to please you! I work my ass off and I've gotten a degree and a steady job and a really nice house for us and not so much as an 'I'm proud of you' ever came out of your mouth!"
"I'm proud of you! There, happy?" she teased.
"Oh, for the love of God," complained Blaine, throwing his hands in the air. "I can just feel the appreciation radiating off of you!" he spat.
"That is rich, Blaine," she countered. "In case you haven't noticed, I work, too! God it's like I'm invisible."
"Really. You feel invisible?"
"Yes, I feel invisible. I sometimes feel like I'm not even married."
"Well, the feeling's mutual."
Lindsey glared at him, her eyes squinting. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying this marriage is a joke. Nothing here is working," he said, gesturing between the two of them.
"This marriage works because it's a two way street."
"No, Lindsey, this marriage works because it's what was expected of us and we don't want to disappoint our families."
She looked shocked, her mouth opening and closing for a few seconds. Then she snapped back into her usual demeanor.
"No, no, no. This marriage works because you have no one else to run to." Now she was deliberately trying to tear at his self-esteem. It's how she worked. After someone finally stand up to her, she'd go for a low blow to make the person feel like worthless.
Blaine rolled his eyes. "Give me a break," he muttered.
"It's true and you know it. Sure, maybe we don't want to make our parents or our family members angry or have people talk about us. You wouldn't risk it for anything." Her icy glare bore into Blaine, like she had him pegged on the floor. She really thought that she had Blaine wrapped around her finger and that he'd bow down to her. Blaine may have been wrong for marrying Lindsey, but he definitely wasn't stupid enough to let her control his life.
"Well I'm done with that," said Blaine. The last tether finally broke.
"Excuse me?" she spat.
"I'm done, Lindsey. I'm done with this. I'm done with pretending we're okay. I'm tired of lying to everyone and myself, but especially you."
"Fuck off, Blaine," she said as she turned around to walk off. "You aren't leaving me."
"You're wrong." She stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around, her accusatory glare breaking through Blaine. "About everything," he added. A fire sparked in her eye. Did she somehow know what he'd say next? He didn't let that back him down, though.
"Excuse me?" she repeated.
"I'm saying, that I have found someone else. And that I am leaving you."
"Who then?" she laughed, crossing her arms and leaning her weight onto one leg. She didn't even seem to be one bit surprised.
"Who'd you fuck once and are now falling head over heels for? Let me guess...you had a hook-up and now she's using you for your money and you've been dating for about two weeks. How pathetic."
"Congratulations, Lindsey, you manage to be wrong yet again." Anger flared through Blaine and he was letting it come off of him through sarcasm. "Take a seat and I'll explain what the hell is going on."
Blaine knew she wouldn't move, so he continued. Like him, she hated being told what to do.
"First of all, let me tell you that we've been dating for about nine months now." Her eyes widened in shock, but she kept her face stone cold.
"Don't look so surprised, Lindsey, I know you've been cheating on me, too." She uncrossed her arms, her face turning red as she scoffed.
"What? You're ridiculous." Blaine was always impressed with her ability to stay so cool and collected even when she was called out and still lying through her teeth.
"Am I? Did you not think that I wouldn't look at your phone after 20 missed messages from Roy?"
This time, she stumbled back a bit. He walked over to the coffee table where her phone sat and picked it up. He pulled open the messages.
"'Let's have some fun this weekend. Your husband will be gone, right? I can't wait to get my hands on that body of yours.'" he read to her. "Shouldn't have left your phone on the bed while you showered," Blaine smiled, throwing the phone on the couch. "Who is he anyway? Coworker? Met him at a bar?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she crossed her arms again.
"Whatever, I guess it doesn't matter." This time, Blaine was the one in control.
"Well who the hell are you with? What's she like?"
Blaine put a hand on his hip and looked her straight in the eyes. All sarcasm drained from his body and the world seemed to still as the truth finally came out.
"It's not a 'she.'" This time, Lindsey really looked shocked.
"What?"
"I'm dating a man."
She stood silent for a minute, her body tensing as she looked to the ground. Blaine could see the wheels turning in her head, like she was adding something up...or formulating a plan.
"You're with a...guy?" she asked.
"Yes. For nine months."
She gaped at him, anger and confusion written on her face. Blaine studied her and not one expression of hers said 'hurt.' He knew it for a long time, but it still stunned him that Lindsey had no feelings for him, though he really couldn't blame her since he'd been feeling the same exact way.
"You're not gay. No. This'll work out." She began pacing back and forth, deep in thought.
"Wha...are you crazy?! Did you not hear what I just told you?"
She shook her head. "No, you're not gay, Blaine. And we may be cheating on each other but this is going to work out. We'll just cut it off with who we're talking to and go back to the way everything-"
"NO!" shouted Blaine. Lindsey stopped and stared at him, startled by the sudden outburst that she wasn't expecting. "Don't you get it? I don't want to be with you! You don't want to be with me! Why are you trying to make this work? Why even go on!"
Lindsey rolled her eyes and sat down on the couch, crossing her legs. "You won't tell your family or risk everyone shunning you away, Blaine. I've known you longer than anyone, and that means I know how you work."
"You make no sense, because a couple minutes ago, you were trying to figure out how I work."
"I still know what you will and will not do, Blaine," she bit back.
Blaine walked over to her, putting his hands on either side of her legs and leaned in close so their noses almost touched.
"You really have no idea who I am then," he said through gritted teeth. "I will gladly tell everyone myself that I am gay and I'm in a relationship with Kurt. You remember Kurt, right?" his voice swelled with pride, though he knew very well that they weren't together anymore. "He and I have something special, so don't you dare tell me what I will and will not risk. I am not afraid to tell my family everything because I don't have the capacity to care anymore. You and me? This is over. We're going to get a divorce and I'm going to live my life the way that I should have from the beginning. I suggest you do the same." Lindsey's face fell, the realization that she could no longer control him hitting her hard. Blaine's lip twitched into a smile. Breaking free from this was a lot easier once he stopped caring about what everyone thought of him.
"You can't leave," she said with finality.
"Why not?" scoffed Blaine.
"I'm pregnant."
Blaine's stomach felt like it dropped through the floor. "Wh-what?" he asked, getting up. He cocked his head to the side.
"I'm having your baby."
Blaine looked at her, his face scrunching up. A rush ran through his body and he felt like he was going to fall down. It felt like his knees would give out at any second and he began to shake a little.
"How do I know it's mine?"
"Because I haven't slept with Roy in two months."
"And how far along are you?" asked Blaine.
"4 weeks."
Blaine thought back to when he visited last. Four weeks exactly. Fuck.
"I thought you were on birth control," he breathed, eyes closing shut in anger.
She shrugged a shoulder and looked at him like she defeated him in war.
"I stopped taking it."
He stumbled back into the wall. He felt like his life was finally crumbling. Before it just felt like shaken, but this time, his life felt like it was literally falling apart. A kid? He was having a kid? Blaine barely had his own life under control, how the hell was he supposed to take care of another? He shook his head, denying the fact that this was happening. It couldn't happen.
"So listen to me," she said getting up and shoving her finger into his chest hard. "You will get your shit together and get ready for this baby because none of us can afford to take care of her or him alone. This childish act stops now and you man up and take responsibility for your family. Remember me? The wife?" she asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Grow up, Blaine. This isn't high school anymore."
Blaine shook his head. "You are fucking insane."
"No, I'm not insane. I just know how to get back at people who think they can cross me."
Blaine swiftly left the room to grab his keys.
"You are seriously insane."
"Where the hell are you going?" Lindsey asked.
"I need to talk to Kurt." He shut the door behind him before she could say anything.
*2 weeks later*
Kurt walked the streets of Chicago to meet up with his date. Mercedes kept bickering him to at least try to go on dates which he readily refused. Going on a date would be too soon after everything that happened with Blaine, and he didn't want to really meet anyone else new. But after a few weeks, Kurt finally decided to humor her (and himself) by agreeing. He had been texting a guy named Chandler who apparently had the same tastes in music and clothes as him. Kurt gave in because it was very rare for anyone to have the same interests as him that wasn't a woman.
Earlier in the week, Kurt flew to Chicago to meet with his father, Carole, and Finn. Kurt wanted to get away from California and Burt wanted to get away from Ohio for a bit, so they decided to meet in Chicago and spend a couple of days together. It was like a mini family reunion, and after they left, he decided to stay there for a few more days where Chandler was currently residing.
He walked around the corner of the street where he recognized the short, blond man from a picture.
"Chandler?" Kurt asked as he approached. He turned around and a smile broke on his face. He was surprisingly attractive, a little shorter than Kurt, and looked very enthusiastic.
"Kurt," he said. They stood there awkwardly for a minute, neither one sure of what to say. Kurt bounced on his toes nervously.
"Shall we?" he asked, gesturing to the door. Kurt looked up at the bright sign of Bailey's and nodded. A feeling of nostalgia swept over him which he quickly shook off. He was here on a date and that's what it was intended. He couldn't manage to think about last time he was here.
They walked in and sat down in the very corner. Chandler left to get them drinks and when he returned, he instantly began talking about the musicals that he wanted to see. Kurt conversed with him, agreeing and throwing his own ideas out there. After an hour of talking, Kurt became comfortable with him, easily passing the time by chatting and watching the performers on stage. He felt lighter, and although it was still only an hour into the first date, he thought that maybe he would consider Chandler for another date. It was going fairly well.
"Wow, Kurt, when I heard that you had the same taste as me, I was a little skeptical. But I think that we'd almost be the same person," Chandler smiled at him. Kurt returned the smile and nodded. "Yeah, definitely."
The room was filled with quiet chatter as the performer on stage stopped. Kurt and Chandler laughed at a joke as the next performer set up.
"I think that she's horrendous and should take a break from fame for a while," said Chandler. Kurt laughed.
"Hey everyone. Uh...this song is for someone I let slip away."
Kurt's heart stopped as his face froze and looked up to the stage, recognizing the voice all too well. Blaine sat on a stool, a guitar in his lap as he light strummed it to warm-up. The last he had heard from him was a few voicemails urging Kurt to call him back which he ignored. It was still too soon for them to talk, even if Blaine's tone of voice worried him a little.
He wore a black V-neck and dark wash jeans and looked thinner than the last night they had been together. His face was downcast as he tuned his guitar. Then, he started playing it skillfully as he introduced the song.
Kurt and Chandler were in a corner of the room and it was very dim, so he didn't think that Blaine knew he was there. How could he? There was no possible way for him to find out.
"What is it?" asked Chandler, noticing the sudden change in Kurt. He was ignored as Blaine sang.
"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head"
Kurt noticed he looked frail. Dark circles painted the edges of his eyes and he looked much older for some reason...like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he just couldn't shake it off.
"But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my..."
Kurt's throat tightened. Blaine...
"Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else
Spend your days biting your own neck.
Blaine's voice was full of regret and apology, that Kurt was sure of.
"Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh," he sang softly. Kurt held in his emotions as Chandler tried to get Kurt to focus on him. He didn't have the capacity to care at the moment, because Blaine was on that stage singing his heart out and making himself completely vulnerable in front of people he'd never met before.
He sang quietly, then built up gradually until he was singing loudly into his microphone, both eyes closed as he belted out that anger and frustration he felt for himself that must have been bottled up.
Kurt brought his hand to his mouth, placing his fingers on his lips as he watched Blaine sing his heart out. Blaine had apologized many, many times before and Kurt found it in himself to forgive him, but this apology seemed extremely genuine, mainly due to the fact that he was expressing his unspoken feelings to a crowd of strangers.
Blaine's strumming became harsher and he sung forcefully, almost through gritted teeth.
"But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear.
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?"
Blaine looked down at his guitar and breathed the last words, almost completely inaudible.
"Didn't I, my dear."
The crowd clapped and Blaine nodded, muttering a "thank you" in a strained voice that Kurt knew...he was trying to hold everything in. Blaine stared at his guitar for a few seconds, clearly clamming up into his shell again before he patted his guitar neck and stood up. He walked over to his guitar case in a complete daze and began packing up his equipment.
"Wow, he seems depressed," said Chandler. Kurt ignored the comment as he stared at Blaine, battling with himself on whether he should go speak to him or not.
"Hey, I know that guy," said Chandler with amusement as he turned back to Kurt. "I worked with his editor two days ago and I saw him a couple times at the studio."
"Really?" asked Kurt, suddenly interested in Chandler again. "How's he doing?"
"Rough shape, apparently. The guy apparently tried leaving his wife, but she went ballistic. Or, at least that's what Greg told me."
"Who's Greg?" asked Kurt.
"He's the film editor. The guy I worked with on Wednesday."
"Oh. So he...he left his wife? Did you figure out why?" asked Kurt, trying not to sound so desperate for answers.
"Greg wouldn't tell me. Apparently they both have someone on the side and he didn't want to be with his wife anymore. It's the same old story every time when you come from Ohio."
"You said she went ballistic? What'd she do?" Kurt chose to ignore the Ohio jab.
"I don't know, I only saw the guy once or twice. Why are you so eager to know?" asked Chandler, sounding a bit hurt.
Kurt looked up at the door, but Blaine was gone. Kurt cursed himself.
"Listen, Chandler, this was a fantastic evening, but I really have to go. I've got to talk to someone." He stood up and started walking away.
"Whoa," said the blonde as he grabbed Kurt's wrist. "Hey, what's the deal? Are you not having fun?"
"No, no, I had a great time, I just really need to go talk to someone."
"Well, I'm someone."
"Someone specific," Kurt tried not to sound annoyed. Chandler was not catching the hint.
"Okay, call me," he said, sounding defeated and a little sad. Kurt felt bad for him because he was just innocently trying to have fun on a first date.
"Listen. I can't explain everything, but I think you're a great guy and have impeccable taste. And I'm really sorry to be doing this to you, but I desperately need to go right now."
Chandler nodded, deflating a bit. "Call me?" he chanced.
"Maybe." Kurt didn't know how things would turn out with Blaine, but he was going to find out. "Thanks for a fun night. And I really mean it," he added. He turned on his heel and jogged out of the building to find Blaine.