The Starring Role

Chapter 12

Kurt walked down the hidden hall that led to the front of the building, his heart pounding in his ears. He was nervous about being around Blaine, not because of what he was going to say, but he felt like he wouldn't be able to resist running back in his arms. This was exactly why he was avoiding contact in the first place.

Still, he needed to give Blaine a chance.

He walked out the door and caught sight of Blaine standing right inside the entrance. Kurt walked over to him delicately and gave a tight smile.

"Hey," Blaine said, giving him a sad look that he was trying to hide.

"Hi," Kurt mumbled.

After a moment of awkward silence, Blaine looked out the door and said, "Shall we?"

Kurt walked outside, the warm air hitting him like a wall.

"So where are we going?" asked Blaine once he stepped out and looked down the street. Kurt forgot he had no idea where he was going.

"Um...I guess we can go to my hotel." Kurt cursed himself for suggesting it. What if Blaine tried making a move? What if Kurt couldn't resist?

They could go to a public place with enough people where they'd have to act civil around each other. On the other hand, what if Kurt lost control of his emotions that would cause a scene? No, the hotel was a better idea.

"Okay," nodded Blaine.

They walked the two blocks to the hotel in silence. Kurt was relieved to have at least the sound of cars rushing past. Once they arrived, they went up the elevator to the top floor and walked slowly to Kurt's room. He slid the key card and opened it, Kurt gesturing Blaine to enter first. They walked inside and Kurt took his shoes off, sighing with relief as he rubbed at the soles of his feet.

"So you like it better here than Chicago?" asked Blaine like if there was nothing more important to talk about.

"No. I like the weather change and California doesn't really have that."

Kurt rubbed at his feet furiously, nerves striking him. All of a sudden, he wanted to to just get it over with.

"Right, right. It'd be too warm for me here, too."

Silence.

"When do you move to a different location?"

"Blaine, stop playing games," said Kurt with finality. Blaine looked at him with wide eyes. He hung his head and walked over to the desk in the corner, pulling the chair out and sitting down with a sigh.

"Sorry..."

"It's alright. It's just...you came here for a reason."

Blaine hesitated and took in a long, dramatic breath. Kurt was fidgeting. More than anything he wanted to know the truth, but he felt like the lies would be much easier to handle.

"I...don't even know where to start. Um..."

"I'll help you. Start with your wife," spat Kurt, a little more harshly than he anticipated.

Blaine deflated and looked at his hands. "Right...well. Lindsey and I went to the same high school. We were high school sweethearts if that's what you want to call it. We graduated and went to the same university together, then got married because that's just what you were supposed to do."

"Says who?" demanded Kurt.

"Everyone. Society....my parents," he breathed the last words. "I was supposed to get a wife and have some kids, have a successful job and a grand house. I was expected to do all of this, but I was also expected to think for myself and do what I want. Doesn't make much sense to me," finished Blaine with a sigh. He was frustrated, though not at Kurt.

"So you never had an interest in guys in high school?"

Blaine cocked his head, squinting his eyes. "Yes. More times than not. But I was afraid, Kurt. I didn't want to ruin my relationship with my parents or my friends. You know as well as anyone just what happens to gays in high school. I...dated Lindsey, fooled around with a guy here and there, and life just went on. I didn't want to be with another guy."

Kurt felt like the knife in his chest twisted.

"So this has been going on since high school."

Blaine looked like he'd been kicked in the stomach. "Yeah," he mumbled guiltily. "I...wasn't strong enough to be who I really was. I was a coward and I ran."

Kurt didn't stop staring at him, his glacial gaze boring into Blaine.

"That doesn't explain to my why you lied."

Blaine looked up, his eyes beginning to get red.

"Kurt, you were different. Never in my life did I ever want to be with another man until I ran into you." Blaine stood and walked over to Kurt, kneeling by the bed and taking his hands. "When I met you, I was only looking for a good fuck, and I know that it's a horrible thing, but I might as well be honest now. That's why I never said anything about Lindsey because it never was anything with a guy but a one night stand. That night when we first talked, I felt a connection. Don't pretend like you didn't either, Kurt, because I saw the same look in your eyes. You still have that look even though I've hurt you more than anyone ever has. After that night, I knew I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay because I knew you were someone special."

Kurt's face flowed with tears, but he kept a stone face.

"Special enough to be lied to for six months?" he asked, voice thick.

Blaine scrunched his face and squeezed Kurt's hands.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I can't even begin to say or do anything that will ever make up for what I've done to you. I'm sorry that I lied and I'm sorry that I let it go on for so long."

Kurt took his hands from Blaine and wiped at his face, sniffling noisily as Blaine stood up and sat next to him.

"Do you love her? Your wife?" asked Kurt cautiously.

"Um...yes. I don't love her in a romantic way at all, it's more of a friendship love. I guess that's why I've been with her this long, because I never really knew what it was like. I fooled myself into thinking that's what it was because I didn't know any better. I don't think I could love her the way she wants. I was pressured into this marriage because I was supposed to be someone else, and at the moment I thought it was the easier route...but now everything is a mess and will be even harder."

Kurt internally sighed.

"It's still not a good enough excuse, Blaine." Kurt fidgeted with his thumbs, refusing to look into those hazel eyes that made him melt. "And what you did to those other guys wasn't right either."

"I know, but I wasn't looking for anything with them, Kurt."

Kurt snapped his head to look at him.

"Whether you were looking for a relationship or a good fuck, whether it was a man or a woman, or whether you were married or dating, it's all still painted with the same brush. The fact remains that you cheated and you lied, and that is never okay."

Another kick in the stomach. They were silent for a while.

"You're right..." Blaine finally said. "And I'm sorry. I want to fix this...all of this."

Kurt stood up and walked over to the window, his arms crossed. He looked at the city full of people walking around with their own lives.

"I don't know how you intend to do that," said Kurt.

"I don't either...but please, Kurt...I...I don't want to lose you."

Kurt's heart clenched with...relief? or maybe it was dread? He wanted Blaine, but he also wanted to be Blaine's only. Still, he was glad that Blaine didn't want to throw him to the side.

"What are you going to do." It was intended as a question, but it came out of Kurt's mouth like a demand. He heard Blaine sigh.

"I don't know...I was hoping to take things really slow so I'm not bombarded with too many life changing things at once."

"What are you going to do," Kurt repeated. There was more silence that followed. Kurt's heart hammered, anticipating and dreading the answer.

"I...I'll have to tell my wife, that's obvious. She's probably going to tell everyone when we divorce. But Kurt...please understand I've got to take this slow."

Kurt closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. Slow? He wanted things slow? He was screwing guys since high school and he wanted to take things slow?

"I've got a crazy ass wife, and my extremely conservative family. I don't really care about the people in Chicago since I work with them and my personal life is none of their concern. But what I'm going to do here is big. I'll lose my entire family and my home and the people in Ohio won't even consider me human." His voice was pleading and cracked. "Things will never be the same and I'll be on my own, Kurt. For good this time."

Kurt unclenched his jaw. He couldn't help but feel bad for him. Kurt could sympathize with him. He knew exactly how hard it is to come out to your loved ones that you never want to lose.

"It's not fair, Kurt. It's not fair at all."

"Blaine..." Kurt took in a calming breath, still looking out the window. "I know it's not fair that your family is a bunch of asshats, but you put yourself into this situation. You married a woman who you thought you loved, and now you want to be with me."

"Please, Kurt...just give me a chance to let me prove to you that I can do it. I want to be with you. But I have to slowly ease myself away from my life in Ohio."

Kurt heard the bed squeak as Blaine stood up and walked over to him. A strong set of arms wrapped around his waist and held him tight. Kurt didn't fight it. He just breathed in Blaine's scent as he closed his eyes once again, reveling in the familiar embrace. God, he missed this so much. He missed Blaine, more than he'd like to admit. Blaine rested his forehead on Kurt's shoulder as he muttered, "Please forgive me." Kurt tilted his own head to rest on Blaine's as a tear slowly trickled down his face.

He was torn. Blaine was the only person who had made him feel whole. He missed that, and he desperately wanted to take Blaine back.

Blaine kissed his neck, sending a spark down Kurt's back. Kurt turned around and furiously kissed Blaine, already making his decision.

"Fuck!" Blaine came inside of Kurt and he yelled his relief. Kurt was on his knees on the hotel bed, leaning on his forearms and panting loudly. Blaine slowly slid out of him and flopped on the side of the bed. Kurt did the same and made sure to avoid his eyes.

Kurt felt like he wanted to cry again. Why did he let this happen? He couldn't keep his desire simmered down enough to stay away from what he wanted.

Blaine panted next to him. "You alright?" he asked, almost cheerful.

Kurt managed a "yeah" and stood up to walk to the bathroom.

"Kurt?"

He shut the bathroom door and turned the light on. Kurt looked at himself in the mirror, the puffy red eyes taunting him, and the sweat that gleaned over his smooth skin felt cold.

"Nothing," he muttered. "I felt nothing."

The entire time, he felt like he was still being used. Kurt couldn't help but picture Blaine doing the same thing to Lindsey and that felt worse than ever. No matter which way he looked at it, he was still the man on the side.

He battled internally, wondering if this was the right choice. He wanted to be Blaine's, and if that meant being on the side while he figured things out, then so be it. But it went against his morals. Why should he be the one on the side? Shouldn't Kurt deserve to be the only?

Kurt's body shook and he ran his hand through his disheveled hair. Right now, he couldn't think about it. He didn't want to think about it.

He walked out of the bathroom and saw Blaine sit up on his elbow, the sheet covering up to the small patch of hair on his crotch.

"Are you okay?" he asked concerned. Kurt nodded and walked to the bed, climbing under the sheets and wrapping his arms around Blaine's waist. Blaine embraced him and stroked his hair as he finally broke down again and cried.

"Shh...it's alright," Blaine whispered, holding him tight.

Maybe Kurt didn't know what he wanted, but right now he wanted to be held.

Kurt woke up feeling distant. It's like he was walking and going through the day in a haze, or dreamlike state and he hated it. Blaine stayed at the hotel for the day while Kurt finished up some things at the theatre. He told the crew that he was taking a half-day for personal reasons and they all nodded. His emotional state was clear to them even if he had been lying to them for the past two months.

Kurt finally got back to the hotel, both dreading it and not wanting anything more than to be there. Blaine was on the phone with his wife. Kurt set his bag down and kicked off his shoes while noticing the frustration in Blaine's voice as he talked to Lindsey.

"Yeah...alright...because I wanted to fly out here...I'm a fucking adult and can do what the hell I want...fine..."

Kurt grabbed some clothes as Blaine turned around to see him. He motioned that he was going to shower and Blaine nodded, turning back to face out the window. After a cool, refreshing shower, Kurt shook his hair dry and didn't even bother to do it. All he wanted to do was stay indoors. He walked out into the room where Blaine was scribbling something on his notebook, a stack of papers lying on the desk.

"Hey."

"Hey," Kurt replied.

"Wanna grab some lunch?" Blaine suggested. Kurt shook his head.

"Let's just order in. I'm too tired to do much today."

They pulled out the menu and ordered room service. Once the phone was hung up, an awkward silence settled in around them. Blaine finally broke it.

"Listen...um...in about a month I get to go to a company dinner to celebrate the work of the cast and crew. It's usually a fancy get-up and I was hoping...you might come with me?" Kurt looked in his direction, unsure of what exactly he meant.

"Go with you...as in your friend or your date?"

Blaine shuffled uncomfortably in his chair as he lowered his head guiltily.

"Um...friend, I was hoping. I figured it was a first step I could take to...you know."

Kurt nodded. It was endearing, it really was. And as much as he wanted to run over to Blaine and shake him senseless while yelling "JUST DO IT ALREADY!" he just couldn't say no to him. Being away from him for so long was torture, and even if they were spending three days together, he'd still might have to wait a while longer before seeing him again...hopefully under different circumstances.

"Okay."

Blaine sat up, his face lighting up instantly.

"Really?"

Kurt nodded with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Really."

"Great!" exclaimed Blaine, grinning at Kurt. "Maybe we could go to Bailey's after the dinner to have a few drinks."

Kurt remembered the time they went and how they sang their duet to each other. He'd like that, and he'd also hate it just as much. He loved being with Blaine, but he hated the fact that he couldn't hold his hand or plant a kiss on him whenever he wanted to. He hated being used. But for some reason, as long as he got to be with Blaine in the end, he figured he could push those feelings aside. He was going to be used.