The moon was above us, high and mighty in the sky, the craters on its surface reminding me of all of the marks that made me. As I looked over at Blaine, his now healed eye reflecting triumph, I thought that maybe marks made him too. And though our scars may have been inflicted upon us in different ways, they still told stories.

I reached for his hand and he gripped mine back with enthusiasm. The grass below us was finally free of snow for a change, even though the month was nearing February, winter had calmed. Classes had started again, and I once anticipated them to be awkward, but instead I found myself getting more relaxed into college life. Blaine helped me with my homework and encouraged me to meet people, but I kept to myself. My roommate slowly became interested in me, yet I couldn't seem to return the sudden curiosity. He asked questions as we grew to know each other’s habits, and I tried to answer them. He told me I seemed happier, which was something that brightened the impression I already had had of him. I was slowly falling in love with my major, too. As I dug deeper and learned more, it felt like it was my first choice instead of my second. But nothing felt as good as being by Blaine’s side on nights like the one before us. And though I hated myself for doing this, I couldn’t feel it, not in that moment.

 Beyond handholding, there wasn’t much. I didn’t want to push or pry, but I was suddenly desperate for his touch. So, I looked up at the moon, I wished on the stars surrounding it, and I leaned in to kiss him. His body jolted back, surprised by my lips, yet he kissed back. I could feel that it wasn’t as sure, that he was only using half the effort I could remember.      “Why do you keep doing that?” I asked him quietly as we started walking. He was a few steps ahead, turning his head back to look at me searching for an answer. There had been no sex, no kissing, and no visits to his new apartment. It had all been secret meetings at far away coffee places, underrated bookstores, and his favorite bench in the park. It was okay, at first. Then a part of me realized that there was no point to any of it, that we could easily be within the walls of his apartment, spending time together without any reservations. He stopped on the sidewalk. I wouldn’t have notice the corners of his mouth rising, but the moon highlighted him just enough to see the smile forming. 

“You’re so…” He clicked his tongue, “...oblivious. Not in a bad way, oh God, don’t think that, but in a shy, innocent, and sweet way. It’s refreshing. Don’t punch me in the face.”

 “I’m not going to punch you.” Oh, but my hands were clenched into fists. I felt too young and too stupid. “Am I not the right age for you now? Overly innocent and it’s freaking you out? ‘Cause I fucking get it, I look like a cherub. I’m not stupid.”

“What? No.” He shook his head and walked towards me. “You’re just oblivious to what is in front of you. What I’m…going through.” I rolled my eyes, sighing.

“Do tell. What could you be going through now?”

“Don’t you get it? Intimacy isn’t easy after you are abused, Kurt. It was never making love, it was never soft kisses. It was rough, all of it. I put up it with it because I thought I deserved it. I still think I might. And that’s not you, and I don’t want to ask that from you. I don’t want to tell you to hurt me, because I shouldn’t want that and you shouldn’t do that. Not after what I’ve been through. I’m trying to be an adult. I’m trying to be smart about everything, trying to be careful.  Does that all make sense?”

“Blaine, do you trust me?” I bit my lip, I looked in his eyes and shivered, “Do you look at me like I’m a kid or like an equal?”

“Maybe I haven’t been thinking correctly.” I nodded slowly, his answer weighing my mind down, everything feeling heavy. I walked a little, finding myself beside where he was standing. I turned my head, and thought it over once more.

 “Yeah, maybe you haven’t.” I felt him tug at my arm. His hand slipped between us and grabbed mine. I stood there motionless, so tired and feeling young for the first time in awhile. This mask I had made, that I had been adding to each time I was with Blaine, was suddenly faulty. I touched my face, stubble and wrinkle free. I wasn’t old, I was barely an adult. My life experience was only a fragment of a whole; it was a tiny piece of glass broken from a vase: reflective, colorful, important, but small. It would leave a gap in my life if it never happened, but it wasn’t everything. I had many more pieces left to break. Blaine squeezed my hand three times and I looked at him. I worried that I looked teary-eyed and lost, because that’s how I felt. It didn’t seem to matter. Nothing seemed to matter, not when his eyes searched mine, looking for information carried in the waves of blue my eye held. He smiled again, always at the oddest moments, and I smiled back. “I am young.”

“That doesn’t make you any less interesting.” His voice was like a song, melodic and smooth as honey. “Do you want to go back to my apartment, tonight?” 

 “I’m not looking for sympathy.” I rubbed my lips together, “I could go for a coffee, but I mostly would like some dessert.”     “Maybe that’s what I was offering?” Blaine winked and laughed, “Let’s go.”

Over a cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake, I looked up and realized it was probable that I was falling in love with Blaine Anderson. And for that, I didn’t hate myself.

“Kurt! Kurt, wake up!”  My roommate awoke me with his hands shaking my frame, his eyes wild. I could smell the smoke before I spotted the fire rising across the hall. Our door was already opened, exposing the flames that were engulfing one of our neighbor’s doors. “We need to get out of here.” I couldn’t remember my roommates name, not then, not when my pulse was quickly accelerating and my head was pounding from it all.  Fear filled me quicker than anything I had ever felt, and it led me out of the room faster than I ever could have escaped on my own. Fear stood in as a crutch, my hand gripping my shaking roommate’s hand as we went through the maze of hallways. I stopped suddenly, breathless, my eyes looking to my right to see a fire extinguisher. I glanced at my roommate and back at the wall, breaking the glass case with little afterthought. I started running back with him trailing behind me with protests under his breath. The hallway was now filled with flames; I raised the extinguisher unsurely and began to use it. I had no idea what I was doing, but it slowly began to work. As the fire fighters arrived minutes after, they were shocked at what I had done. They investigated a bit to find a boy in the corner of the room where the fire had started, burned slightly and coughing. As they escorted us out, one of the fire fighters leaned into my ear and said: “You saved him.” And I have to say that my first thought was not of the boy on the stretcher in front of me, but a man that as far as I knew was sitting on the floor of his apartment with a nice glass of wine watching the world move around him from his picture window.

I was proven wrong. After the EMTs checked me out to make sure I was okay, I climbed out of the back of the ambulance to see a familiar pair of eyes in the crowd. He looked different, wearing sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt. His smile was the same as ever, hardly any teeth but reflected in his eyes. 

“I was watching the news and I saw your dorm and I pretty much ran here. I’m so glad you’re okay, Kurt.” Blaine pulled me in for a hug, squeezing me in his arms. “I also hear you’re a hero, but I find that hard to believe because you’re not wearing a cape.” 

 “I just did what I thought was right.” I breathed to him, voice rusty from inhaling the smoke. 

“And that makes you a better person than a lot of people. I hope you know that.” He touched my hair, my face, my neck. “Why don’t you stay with me tonight?”

“Okay.” I whispered to him. He grabbed my hand and we started to walk away from the building, my roommate – Wes, I finally remembered – called out to me.

  “Kurt! I wanted to say that what you did was amazing. I’ll never forget that…Do you have a place to stay tonight? My parents live close to here if you need it.” I smiled at the thought, and then raised Blaine and I’s hands. 

“I’m set. But thank you for the offer, it means a lot.” Wes took notice that someone was beside me and a grin spread across his face, he backed away, leaving Blaine and I to walk in peace. While we walked, I started thinking about fire. I thought that after I put it out, maybe now it lived inside of me. Maybe it was growing, extending throughout my body until it all is touched by the flame. Maybe I had found myself. Like a phoenix, my soul had risen from the ashes restored. The scars were just tiny blemishes now, and something within me felt newly replaced. I told all of this to Blaine as we made it to his apartment. He laughed under his breath. 

“You have such a beautiful mind.” I took that as a compliment straight to my heart, knowing that I would hold on to those words for a long time, just because of the tone in his voice. We climbed flights of stairs together, stopping in front of a red door.  He looked back at me before unlocking it, letting me go in before him. I stood there and took it in, the floor was covered in paper yet again, but it stacks towered high like the Chicago skyscrapers. The lights were off, but it didn’t feel dark. I had imagined it almost exact; the window in the living room was huge. It showcased the city skyline perfectly while lighting the room up with the light shining off of the buildings. It covered my skin in reds, blues, greens, and whites. Blaine pressed my back against the chilled glass, making the lights shine on his face as he kissed my lips softly. We separated right after, clearing our throats. I sat down on the sofa with my legs crossed as Blaine made me a cup of tea. He hummed and sang to himself while the water boiled, pouring himself some cereal and singing between bites. I closed my eyes and listened to him sing: "So keep your head up, keep your love               keep your head up, my love." 

He handed me my tea and I sipped it as he fell asleep on the floor, his cereal bowl beside him. I couldn’t sleep that night. My body was too hot from the fire inside of me and my throat too raw from the smoke. I whispered the lyrics he sang over and over until I was sure I was becoming a broken record, and I watched every single car that passed. For a change, I didn’t wish that I was inside of one of them, because I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Not this time. 

  I was lucky that the next day was a Saturday. I slept throughout the day in Blaine’s bed with him beside me on his laptop, typing away. I awoke a few times and glanced at his screen, only catching fragments of sentences. I watched as the page numbers increased with every time I opened my eyes again. When I decided I had enough sleep he was at twenty three pages and on his sixth large cup of coffee. His fingers shook as his typed, his feet wiggling at the end of the bed. I cuddled into him and let him continue, giving him peace and quiet. He soon decided he wanted a break, and we both got up to shower. We laughed as we realized we both wanted to do the same thing, our hands on the doorknob on top of each other. 

“We could take it together?” Blaine asked gently, and I responded by opening the door for the both of us. We waited for it to heat up by removing each other’s clothes. I wasn’t shy, or I tried not to be, but he was hesitant. I tried to kiss away all of the things that were holding him back. We got in, trying to figure out the best way for the two of us to fit. He grabbed me by the arms and I wrapped myself around him under the spray. We stood there without moving for more than a minute, when he began to hum the same song again. I let go to grab the shampoo I spotted, putting it on my palm to rub it into Blaine’s hair. He smiled at me as I started to wash his hair for him, still humming happily. He rinsed out the shampoo so I could condition it, and then switched our roles so he was washing my hair. I swayed as he sang to me, giving up humming to find the words in his throat. He finished up my hair, giving me the opportunity to get the body wash. I put it on the loofa hanging on the knob and we handed it back and forth, washing each other and stopping for kisses. There was no way for me not to be turned on, but I enjoyed the simplicity of what we were doing. I knew Blaine wasn’t ready to go back to what we once had done, and that was okay with me. This was okay. It was more than okay. I watched the curve of his back as he turned off the shower, grabbing us both towels. He found me a tooth brush and let me get cleaned up, even giving me some clothes to wear. I left them untouched for awhile, just sitting on his bed in a towel as he scavenged the fridge for food. He came up with nothing but a cell phone in his hand and an order of Japanese takeout. He kissed me on the face over and over before leaving to go pick it up and I laid back on the bed with my eyes focused on the ceiling. I stared at it so long that it became a giant blur, as did my thoughts. Eventually I peeled my eyes away to get dressed before Blaine got back, slipping on a pair of his jeans and a worn out t-shirt. He arrived only a moment after I accepted how I looked in the mirror, his hands full of bags of food. I arched an eyebrow at him and he shushed me. Soon a platter of sushi was laid out before me, with plates and chopsticks. I blushed at the sight of chopsticks, hoping for a fork instead.

  “Sushi is my weakness.” Blaine said, picking up the chopsticks and a plate. He began to grab pieces to cover the plate, waiting for me to do the same. 

“I don’t know how to use chopsticks.” I told him, shrugging my shoulders downward, a little bit defeated and embarrassed.

 “It’s okay! I’ll teach you.” He smiled goofily, breaking the wood to separate the chopsticks and showing me his form. He handed me a pair, urging me to copy him, but my fingers couldn’t reflect what his were doing. Blaine laughed and took my hand in his, explaining which fingers to use, and trying to create the form for me. After a few tries, I set the chopsticks down with a sigh, looking over to see Blaine filling up another plate. “You can’t give up.” So, I kept trying, ignoring my stomach rumbling loudly to focus on what I was doing. Blaine looked up again right at the moment I decided to venture into grabbing a piece of sushi, hoping I finally mastered it.  I heard Blaine happily say, “Good job, Kurt!” Before I noticed that the chopsticks were working for me. With extra attention, I filled my plate, even grabbing a few kinds I would never have tried before. I wanted to be adventurous. It was silly that something as small as chopsticks could make me think that way, but the fire was still alive in my chest, eating away at the parts of me that had grown out of the self loathing that had stemmed from my rejection from NYADA. The new me had some words to say. The words were nothing too complicated at the surface, words thrown around and used with so little tied to them. That should have made it easy to say, but it wasn’t. With Blaine’s coffee (with cream and sugar) eyes focused on me, I could only part my lips. The day continued, heavy and wordless, with Blaine trying to get me to dance with him in the living room. I stepped on his feet due to my nerves, but we laughed it off. His laugh always made my stomach settle, my hands calm, and my breathing steady. That could be why I wanted to say those words, but on top that there were a million other reasons and all of them were so clear with every glance I looked at him. 

 “Blaine?” We paused in our dancing. He looked at me like he had thoughts rattling in his head. 

 “Kurt, I need to tell you something.” I thought that maybe this was it. Maybe he was stealing the words from the tip of my tongue to say himself. I took in a sharp breath and waited. “I got a job offer, and I’m leaving next year.”    

 “You’re leaving me?” I didn’t choke up; I didn’t think I was going to cry. I only stared at him, eyes blurring until he became a blur like the ceiling was earlier. He shook his head and smiled, only with his mouth; his eyes were flat and echoed the sadness that was deep in my heart.

“I want you to come with me.” Blaine cradled my chin, drawing me close to his lips. “It’s in New York.” He breathed against me, lips still hovering. “Your dreams can come true.”

“I don’t know what my dreams are anymore.” I sighed, “Right now, I think I only know one thing.”

 “What?” If I didn’t know any better, I would think Blaine was younger than me, especially in that moment.  Everything about him was suddenly softer, more innocent, and fragile. It was like when I read his poem about me, but without the tears. There was no sadness on full display, but hope. Hope that I only ever saw in children when they talked about Santa Clause, and sometimes in ministers as they rambled on about God. He was hopeful, and that was the most delicate thing in the world.

“I love you.” Then he kissed me. He kissed me so hard that I thought I was going to fall backwards, but he caught me. He always seemed to. My word choice was precise, the difference between that and ‘I’m in love with you’ was a big one, one that I wasn’t sure of. I knew that there was so way I couldn’t not love him after the intimate moments we had shared. I also knew that I felt him everywhere all the time, especially in my heart, always there. I bet I seemed silly, so young, so naïve. I didn’t think he would want to say the words back, I really didn’t.

 “I love you too.”  He whispered, I think he was afraid. I kissed the fear away, or at least I tried.

Right before we fell asleep that night, Blaine laid his head on my chest. “What does it mean to you? Love?” 

"Is there any way to explain it? If you think about it, there are so many stories, poems, songs, movies about it. None of them can fully capture it; it’s too much of a feeling for anyone to understand completely. Don’t you think?”

“I think love is simpler than we give it credit for, actually. Love is all in the eyes, it’s lost within the butterflies you get from a kiss, it’s caring so fucking much for someone that you’d give up your most precious belongings. You look at someone and you see love. They don’t have to do anything to prove it to you, they shouldn’t have to. Roses, jewelry, hallmark holidays, all of that is for the people without faith in love. I don’t have to watch a movie or hear the songs. Maybe there isn’t a way to describe it, but I can understand it. I can look in your eyes and know everything I needed to know.” I got quiet for awhile, thinking about what he said and mentally checking with myself that I had done the right thing by telling him how I felt. He closed his eyes, and spoke with them that way, “Did I say too much? I know it’s been a short time, and it’s weird of me to be the outspoken one about this, because I’m older. I’ve known for so long that I could love you, Kurt. I knew when we were on Navy Pier before Christmas break. Like I said, I only had to look at you. I mean it.”

“You didn’t say too much. You said everything I wished I knew how to say myself.” His eyes didn’t open, and I realized that he was sleeping. I closed my eyes, too, and I dreamed about New York for the first time since the rejection letter. I had previously pictured it glitzy and glamorous, but this dream was realistic. The streets were dirty; the air polluted, the streets littered with all kinds of people instead of exclusively the rich and famous, among them all was Blaine and I. We had our hands intertwined with cheap clothes and a cheap bottle of wine. It was more than enough.  I hoped that I always could see that.

I went back to my dorm the next day to check out the damage. I had Blaine’s clothes on and a million left over kisses on my mouth from our exaggerated goodbye. I lucked out and there wasn’t much damage on any of my belongings, but the dorm seemed to be unusable. Wes arrived shortly after I did, explaining that he talked to people and found out that the dorms were full, so they couldn’t put us in a new one. The school had written us both a letter, explaining about reimbursements for the little damage we did have. We both were going to get paid back in full for our dorm expenses as well, because of the ‘service’ we had done for the school. Wes laughed at that, saying he didn’t do much, but I reminded him that he was my moral support. 

“Want to get lunch and go pick up some boxes? I’m meeting a few of my friends at this great place by an office supply store, and we have to pack up the room. They’d love to meet you, everyone has heard about what you did.” Wes offered, something I usually would refuse, I reminded myself that I was done with being that person. I needed to branch out, to stop hiding.

 “That sounds great.”  I said it with a smile, one that I meant.

The restaurant turned out to be more like a café, artsy and well decorated. Wes waved at his friends after entering, two boys and a blonde sitting at a table near the back. My heart began to race as I became nervous, but I was welcomed quickly with hellos and smiles. 

“Kurt, this is Nick, Jeff, and Quinn.” Wes gestured at each of them before we sat down; I looked around at my surroundings before tuning in to the conversation. We all ordered coffee and what was more like brunch than anything. But they all assured me that the food was terrific.

“So, Kurt, what are your plans for the future? You’re majoring in journalism, right?” Quinn asked, leaning into me over her coffee mug. I took a sip of my own before biting my lip.

“I’m not sure. I’m really interested in fashion journalism. Actually, I…” I cut myself off, blushing a little bit as I realized what I was about to say, “I might move to New York next year. I have to look into finding a school first.”

“New York is wonderful. I visit there a lot; one of my dear friends lives there and is studying musical theatre.”

“Don’t censor yourself, Quinn. Everyone knows about who your ‘dear friend’ really is.” Nick, the brown haired one out of the two boys, spoke up. He sported a cheesy grin that Quinn was eager to wipe off with a glare.  

 “Okay, okay. My ‘dear friend’ is really my girlfriend, Rachel.” Quinn clarified, rolling her eyes at Nick, causing Jeff and Wes to laugh. 

 “Wait…this is probably a coincidence, but you’re not talking about Rachel Berry are you?” I questioned, thinking of all the times back in high school I had spent with the obnoxiously talented girl, who tended to be my other half. I had lost contact with her after she was accepted in to NYADA, leaving me in Ohio to fend for myself. I knew that wasn’t what she intended, yet my state of mind at the time allowed myself to think that. 

 “You know Rach? Whoa, you’re the Kurt she talks about? She always is going on about how she misses you and all of your high school adventures. She never told me you went to Chicago, though.” The food arrived as she finished, giving Kurt a minute to process the connection.

 “I didn’t tell a lot of people. I had a hard time after I didn’t get in to NYADA. I know now though that it’s a good thing I didn’t.” I smiled, picking up my fork and taking a bite of my omelet.

“Aw, is it ‘cause you never would have met your boyfriend?” Wes giggled beside me, looking over and raising his eyebrows.

“Precisely.” 

 “Who’s your boyfriend? Would we know him?” Jeff piped up through a mouthful of food, and I couldn’t contain my laugh.

“You might, but he isn’t a student at U of C.” I took another bite, taking notice of how good the food actually was, “Or at all.” I added, smirking a bit.

“Ooh, older man, huh?” Quinn jumped in, and I winked at her. Everyone laughed, and for a change, I felt comfortable with people my own age.

Later, Wes and I packed up the dorm when my phone rang. I excused myself and took it out in the hallway.

“Hey Dad,” I said, smiling in to the phone, “Did you get my email?” I sent him a message about the fire when I was up the other night; not wanting to call him so late when there was nothing to worry about. 

“Yes I did, I’m so glad you are okay. I’m really proud of you, kid.” He cleared his throat, and I could feel him already getting choked up. “Do you know where you’re going to be staying instead? Do you need me to send you some money?”

 “The dorms are full, but I…I have a place.” 

“Where?” My father questioned, and I pondered the thought of telling him everything. I couldn’t, not on the phone. I could only say so much.

“Remember when I said I wanted to tell you something but it wasn’t the right time? Do you think you could make a trip out here next month? There’s somebody I want you to meet.” I listened to him sigh and carry on the silence. 

“Sounds like a plan.” He broke his silence, and he healed the burden on my back. 

After Wes had left, Blaine arrived to help me with the boxes. We got a taxi and went back to his place, where he let me have a drawer or two and space in his closet. I was happily overwhelmed with the idea of living with Blaine every day.  He cooked dinner that night while I told him about my day meeting new people. I told him stories about Rachel, ones that made me cry while I described them, and stories that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt. We discussed my dad visiting, acting out the scenario while praying he would understand. My heart told me everything would be okay. I had to listen to it.

When I finished talking, we went on his laptop together and looked at schools in New York. I decided on a few schools that I would look in to more, and I also found a couple internships to apply for. I printed applications as Blaine told me about his new job. He was done with being a professor for the time being, and was going to focus on his writing. He had picked up a job at a popular publishing company, and they had agreed that during his time there he was able to submit his own writing to be reviewed. The opportunity sounded incredible, and as we shut off the laptop to go to bed I told him how proud I was to call him mine. 

I was and I am. He was forbidden, of course he was, but all the best things are. Not all beautiful things are hidden, either. I know that because his eyes tell me so. They tell me all I will ever need to know.