“Being Alive” from Company was his final choice (Blaine supported it, Rachel thought he could find something better and Brody said Carmen Tibideaux would probably rip it apart because she’d heard the song too many times). Kurt didn’t care. After the year he’d had, the song resonated with him, especially where his father’s death was concerned. Rachel shut up about it after he’d let that slip.

The two weeks since Thanksgiving had flown by. Blaine was on lockdown with finals and papers and who knew what else. He spent many a late night at the library, dragging himself home to drop into bed next to Kurt and promptly pass out. Kurt spent every minute that he wasn’t at Vogue rehearsing, perfecting his song. Their sex life had kind of taken a back seat to everything, but they still found time occasionally.

Two days before his audition he deemed it audience worthy and performed it for Rachel and Brody. Blaine was supposed to be there but he’d gotten hung up with his study group and had had to miss out.

When he was done, he searched Rachel’s and Brody’s faces for their reactions. Rachel was wearing a proud smile but Brody looked concerned.

“I am so proud of you,” Rachel said, getting out of her seat and hugging him. “You’re going to knock them dead.”

“Something tells me you don’t feel the same.” Kurt looked at Brody. Brody sighed.

“Technically, it’s flawless,” Brody told him. Kurt grinned. “But that’s what it is, Kurt. It’s a technical performance. I didn’t see any of you in there.”

Kurt stared at him for a long moment. “What do you mean?”

“If you’re going to sing a song that Carmen’s heard a million times, you have to stand out and be different,” Brody advised. “What are you thinking about when you sing?”

Kurt shrugged. He’d tried not to think about anything. Thinking about his dad made it too hard to get through the song.

“I suggest you find something to sing to or about, then,” Brody continued. “Otherwise, I don’t think you’ll get in.”

The weight of Brody’s words settled hard in Kurt’s stomach and that knot, that familiar knot, tightened and made him feel physically ill for a second.

“I’ll help you work on it,” Rachel promised. Kurt nodded. He was screwed.

The day of Kurt’s NYADA audition dawned bright and sunny and slightly warm for December. He was feeling on top of the world, like he could do anything. Not even the news that New Directions had lost Sectionals (thanks to one of the new girls fainting on stage) put a damper on his mood. He felt bad for them, sure, but he was this close to achieving his dreams and he wasn’t going to let anything drag him down from that.

He hadn’t expected his audition to be a public forum, however. That was the news that was sprung on three of them when they arrived. Carmen wanted Rachel’s class to observe. Kurt didn’t care, nodding absently at the news. As long as he had Blaine there, he could do this.

It was with a pounding heart that he took center stage, in what Carmen had called the “round room.”
Kurt took a deep breath, opened his mouth and started to sing.

“Someone to hold you too close,” he began, his voice clear and sure. “Someone to hurt you too deep, someone to sit in your chair, to ruin your sleep.”

His father’s face was so clear in his mind as he was singing. Kurt knew that if he was there, he’d been grinning and crying. “Someone to need you too much, someone to know you too well. Someone to pull you up short, and put you through hell.”

An almost overwhelming pang of longing for his father washed over him. “Someone you have to let in, someone whose feelings you spare,” he sang, letting that feeling carry him as he continued. His eyes traveled among the faces in the room. Rachel’s proud smile, Brody’s nodding head as he listened, Carmen Tibideaux’s unwavering expression, finally coming to rest on Blaine’s enraptured face.

Something sort of… unlocked for Kurt in that moment. He couldn’t look away from Blaine, staring at him intently as the words of the song left his lips. “Someone to crowd you with love, someone to force you to care, someone to make you come through, who'll always be there, as frightened as you of being alive.”

His voice soared into the chorus, clear as a bell, as this feeling welled up inside him, overwhelming him and making him put that much more into his performance.

As much as this song was about his father, about their relationship, it was also about Blaine.

He’d been living in a fog after his father’s death, stumbling through his new reality with confusion and fear, cutting himself off from everything – until Blaine. Blaine, with a charming smile and desperate need to get married, had turned Kurt’s entire world upside down.

He’d brought Kurt back to life.

“Somebody, need me too much,” Kurt let the emotions he was feeling fuel, his gaze locked with Blaine’s, willing him to know what he was thinking. “Somebody, know me too well, somebody, pull me up short and put me through hell, and give me support for being alive, make me alive.”

Something in Blaine’s face softened and his eyes widened in wonder and Kurt could tell that he understood. He went into the last part of the song, his voice growing with each word. “Somebody, crowd me with love, somebody, force me to care, somebody, make me come through, I'll always be there, as frightened as you, to help us survive. Being alive, being alive, being alive!”

As the remnants of his voice echoed throughout the room, the class burst into applause. He thought he saw Rachel wiping discreet tears from her eyes and Blaine’s eyes looked a little wet as well.

“Nicely done, Mr. Hummel,” Carmen said, getting Kurt’s attention. He flushed under the praise.

“Thank you,” he accepted softly.

“We’ll be in touch,” Carmen promised. Kurt nodded as the class clapped again. He strode out of the room, Blaine and Rachel on his heels.

“That was absolutely amazing, Kurt,” Rachel gushed once they were outside. “What were you thinking about?”
Kurt’s eyes shifted toward Blaine, taking in Blaine’s hopeful look. He opened his mouth to reply… and he panicked.

He couldn’t do this. It was like everything inside him that had been set free was shoved back under lock and key.

“My dad,” Kurt answered. He couldn’t look at Blaine, couldn’t bring himself to see the expression on his husband’s face. He linked arms with Rachel as they talked about how soon he would know anything and picking apart the performance.

Blaine followed silently behind them, and Kurt had never felt worse.

*

Blaine didn’t know what to think.

He should have been working on his final paper for his English class but he wasn’t – he was thinking about Kurt.

Something had happened the day of Kurt’s audition. He and Kurt had locked eyes while Kurt was singing and it was like… magic. He could feel everything Kurt was feeling and knew that it was same things he’d been feeling since the summer.

He knew it in his bones.

Which made what had happened since then so mind-boggling.

Kurt had been distant since then. It was like Kurt had totally lowered his walls during the song and then snapped them back into place the moment it was over and Blaine didn’t know how to breach them.

It was completely different from before – at least he and Kurt had hung out, talked, and watched TV together. They would tumble into bed and Blaine would be able to say with his hands and his lips what he couldn’t bring himself to say with his words – but now that was nonexistent. Kurt would barely stay in the same room with him for more than a few minutes at a time.

Blaine sighed, closing his laptop and glancing around the packed library. He wasn’t going to get any more work done.

The walk home did little to help clear his head. He checked the mail on his way in, not bothering to glance at the stack in his hand until he was inside the apartment.

“Hello,” Blaine greeted. Kurt nodded, his focus on the sketch in front of him. Blaine sighed again, kicking off his shoes, and hanging up his coat. He glanced through the mail in his hand and then froze. “Kurt.”

Kurt must have heard his strangled tone because his head flew up and he stared at Blaine with concern.

“Kurt,” he managed again, holding up a letter. “It’s from NYADA.”

“Oh, my God.” Kurt was out of his chair in a flash, pulling the letter from Blaine’s fingers. “Oh, my God.”

“Open it,” Blaine urged. He watched as Kurt’s shaking hands ripped into the envelope, taking the letter out and scanning it.

“Dear Mr. Hummel,” Kurt read, sounding breathless, “We are pleased to offer you a place in the freshman class at the New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts.” His eyes were wide and a large smile covered his face. “I got in!” he shouted.

Blaine couldn’t help it, he moved, gathering Kurt up in his arms and holding him tightly. “I am so proud of you.” He pulled back and kissed Kurt, breaking away when he realized what he’d done. Kurt was still staring him with wide eyes, his breath coming in little pants. They froze for a moment a beat, looking at each other.

Blaine moved instinctively, their lips crashing together. The letter slipped out of Kurt’s fingers as he gripped Blaine’s cardigan instead. He moaned and Blaine stopped thinking all together. He lifted Kurt from the ground, the two of them never breaking the kiss as Blaine walked them back to the bedroom at a rapid pace. He dropped Kurt onto the bed as gently as he could and Kurt pulled Blaine down on top of him immediately.

It was frantic and frenzied, clothes shed and skin explored. Mouths tasted and teased, hands travelled and bodies trembled.

Blaine moaned as they moved together, slick with sweat, his hard cock aligned with Kurt’s. It wasn’t enough this time. He wanted more, he needed more.

“Kurt,” he gasped. “Kurt, I want…”

Kurt slowed down. “What? What do you want?” he whispered. Blaine stared at him for a moment. Kurt was beautiful, his eyes dark, his hair mussed and his lips swollen.

“I want you,” Blaine managed. “I want you inside me.”

Kurt’s eyes widened and went darker, if possible. He nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Blaine repeated, making sure.

“So okay,” Kurt kissed him roughly but Blaine pulled away after a second, reaching into the drawer of his nightstand and pulling out a bottle of lube and a box of condoms. He’d bought them after things had taken a turn for him and Kurt physically, because it never hurt to be prepared.

He knew Kurt had never done anything like this before and to see Kurt biting his lip and looking nervous only endeared Kurt to him further. Blaine had done this a few times with Sebastian, but he suddenly wished he hadn’t. He wished he’d waited, waited for Kurt.

They were silent as Blaine coated Kurt’s fingers in lube and then lay back on the bed, spreading his legs. Kurt let out a whimper, his touch tentative as he slowly traced a finger around the outside of Blaine’s hole. Blaine drew in a sharp breath at the sensation, but didn’t take his eyes from Kurt. After a moment, Kurt pushed a finger inside him, and Blaine exhaled loudly. Kurt seemed to take that as good sign, moving around.

Blaine thought he was possibly going to die. This was torture – exquisite torture. Kurt’s gentle fingers were slowly undoing him in all the best ways. He wasn’t sure how much longer he would last but he didn’t want to rush this either. Suddenly, pleasure washed over him and he damn near came right then. His moan was loud and unabashed.

“Oh, my God,” Kurt whispered, sounding delighted.

“Now,” Blaine managed. “Now, Kurt, now, please.” His hands scrabbled for purchase in the bed sheets, tangling his fingers in the fabric so tightly he thought it might rip.

There was some awkward fumbling as Kurt put the condom on and then he was back, his cock putting blunt pressure against Blaine’s ass as he pressed inside.

Blaine had never felt more complete in his life.

Kurt was chanting under his breath but Blaine couldn’t make out what he was saying because Kurt pulled back and thrust in and Blaine saw stars. His legs locked around Kurt and Blaine tugged his face down for kiss.

He felt Kurt tremble above him, breaking the kiss. Their eyes met and Blaine found himself once again unable to look away. There was so much there in Kurt’s gaze, so much that Blaine wanted to tell him. Kurt shuddered and thrust forward a final time, coming with a low cry right in his ear. Blaine knew he’d never forget that feeling, that moment. Kurt’s hand was on his cock and stroking before he could blink and then the world was awash in white as he came.

He tugged Kurt close, holding him inside for just a moment longer, unable to keep what he was feeling at bay anymore.

“I love you, I love you, I love you…”