Kurt feelings were once again in turmoil all the way back to New York. He had wanted to have a closure, had wanted the pain to stop so badly. But it didn't.

The pain stayed. He had seen Blaine. Had been closer to him than in weeks and instead of gaining a feeling of closure, of moving on, everything had crushed down on him.

Mirrored in Blaine's eyes had been his own pain and everything that had been broken between them. Kurt hadn't allowed himself to cry. He didn't want to feel weak anymore. He had felt weak for longer than bearable. He didn't want to hurt anymore but it seemed like there was nothing he could do.

Blaine's words still rang in his ears I didn't care. Did this make any difference? Maybe it did. But it didn't feel like it.

Kurt was confused. When he had seen Blaine... his blank eyes, so different from the boy he knew, his body had screamed to rush over to him, scoop him up in his arms and tell him that everything would be okay.

But that wasn't his place anymore. He wouldn't have been capable of doing so either as all that his mind had come up with had been thoughts of two bodies moving together. One of them Blaine, the other not Kurt.

Blaine had wanted to explain. Had wanted to talk to him but Kurt hadn't been able to listen. Not yet. Maybe never.

Kurt didn't know if there was anything Blaine could do or say to ever make this right again. He knew Blaine wanted to. He knew Blaine still loved him. But was that enough?

He had been so out of it. So not himself. Even on stage the sad look in his eyes hadn't faded. It wasn't fair. Kurt's heart had been torn into pieces by Blaine not the other way round.

Would it have been easier if Blaine felt good? Kurt didn't think so. In fact he wanted to show Blaine that he was stronger. That it hurt him but it didn't faze him. That Blaine had broken his heart but not his pride. Maybe it was immature but Kurt wanted to be the first one to be alright after this.

And still, in the sight of Blaine all that remained was their broken future.

Kurt didn't know what to do. He had wanted to talk to Blaine but hadn't been able to. He wanted to move on but he missed Blaine so badly it hurt. He just wanted to forget but it was impossible.

In the end the only thing he was sure about was that he still loved Blaine. As much as his mind was telling him not to, his heart wasn't listening and as much as it ached, he couldn't stop. Maybe that was the worst part of it all but in a strange way it gave him a sense of peace.

He wanted to be strong and now he would be strong. In all his pain he had decided that for the first time in his life he would aim for nothing but his own well being. He wouldn't search for love and company. He would be happy and well on his own. Not because he was heartbroken or a loner but because he wanted to be the only important thing in his life for a while.