"This is nice." Blaine murmured as he snuggled further down into the blanket, closer to Kurt. They had spent all day cuddling on the couch, watching TV, eating and talking, really talking. They had exchanged stories about their families and high school, about their jobs, school and dreams. With every new question and every new story Blaine told him about his far from perfect life, Kurt felt like it somehow got easier to open up and just be. No masks, no acts, just him and Blaine.

"It is." he whispered back and let his head drop onto Blaine's, closing his eyes and smiling as Blaine started to play with his fingers.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked and Kurt hummed again to show he was listening.

"What am I to you?" Blaine sounded small, like he didn't really want to know the answer but still needed to. Kurt kept his eyes shut, his mind racing. With all their newfound honesty and confidence in each other, this was the question they hadn't addressed all day and Kurt had preferred it that way.

As Kurt stayed silent, Blaine untangled himself from his embrace. Kurt turned his head away, looking out of the window, still lost for an answer. He could feel Blaine staring at him from where he was sitting upright on the couch now.

"I guess you really don't want to think about it but I just need to know where I stand, Kurt. I don't know if you like me this way and this is in no way an ultimatum for you but in the end I am one of those guys who want a relationship and a boyfriend and commitment." He sighed deeply, while Kurt concentrated on the quiet tick-tock from the clock on the wall. He didn't want to hear this and even less did he want to comment on this. He didn't know how to comment on this!

"From the first time I saw you, I knew that you were special, even before we actually met and when I did meet you, you were nothing like the picture in my head." Kurt turned around, looking at Blaine at this. Blaine didn't look angry or hurt, maybe a little sad but he was still smiling this warm smile that made Kurt's insides clench.

"You were still breathtaking, that night on the balcony but also really intimidating. I wasn't sure if I could keep up with you and I mean, you forgot my name." Blaine chuckled and Kurt's lips tugged up a little. "But when we went out the night after... you were so full of joy somehow. You got me out of my shell and I hadn't had that much fun in forever and then, when you let me take you home I was the happiest person in the world. And well, every night since. Before you, there were only school and work. I didn't live. I existed."

With every word Kurt's throat got drier. He hadn't known what an impact he'd had on Blaine or had he? Hadn't Blaine done the same for him? Slowing him down? Enjoying time with only one person rather than needing a whole club of people in order to not feel alone?

"But it's not only that. The talking and the shared mornings and everything you told me... or just how easy it is for us to spend time together. I've never felt so close to someone, Kurt and it's an amazing feeling. I like you, a lot." He made a pause, searching Kurt's face for any sign. Kurt knew that this was as much about Blaine as it was about him but that made reacting only more difficult.

Blaine took a deep breath before he looked straight into Kurt's eyes again. "I love you, Kurt. I want to be with you. I know where I stand. The question is... do you?"

There was no doubt in Blaine's gaze, no desperation. He was sure of himself and Kurt realized that it was him who didn't know how to answer. Not because he didn't know how to let Blaine down easily but because he didn't know if he wanted to.

Blaine asked what Kurt wanted and Kurt didn't know.

The realization hit him. This wasn't like any other time when a guy he had spent more than one night with had gotten attached. Kurt didn't feel awkward or mean. He didn't want to run. He just didn't know if he wanted to stay.

"Kurt? Say something?" Blaine asked, his voice quivering slightly but his eyes not less determined.

"I-I don't know." Blaine chuckled at that, a cut of throaty laugh that sounded a little like a sob.

"Well at least that isn't anI don't want to see you ever again?" Kurt shook his head.

"I need to go." Kurt murmured, getting up and quickly walking into Blaine's bedroom, leaving a startled Blaine behind.

He was in his clothes before Blaine could even get up and go after him.

"No, Kurt, please don't go. You don't have to go." Blaine pleaded but Kurt walked past him to get his jacket from the living room.

"I, Blaine, I need to get my head straight, okay?" Blaine looked utterly heartbroken as Kurt walked to the door, much like he had this first morning, Kurt had left and like back then Kurt couldn't bear the look. "This isn't goodbye, I promise." He reassured Blaine, stepping in and already going for a kiss as he thought better of it and only took one of Blaine's hands to squeeze it.

Blaine didn't call after him he just nodded and looked after him, as Kurt made his way downstairs, catching his breath for a moment, as he reached the exit.

He looked around the shabby lobby and stopped as he noticed the torn poster on the far end. He had broken it. It had been about two weeks ago, they had come in late and Blaine had shoved him against this very wall, as soon as they had entered the house. They had been kissing frenetically, and rutting against each other until they had heard the tearing of the paper behind his back. It had been unbearably loud in the deserted hall. After a moment Blaine had begun to giggle and let Kurt back to the floor, gripping his hand and pulling him upstairs, still giggling.

The sound had been so bubbly that Kurt had had to laugh along. Now, at the sight of the torn paper Kurt felt something cold in his chest that made the smile that had formed at the memory, freeze on his face.

Quickly he left the building walking down the street but it was like there was no way to escape Blaine. He was everywhere he looked.

There was the café they sometimes went for breakfast if they were too lazy to make something, the park Blaine had once convinced him to go for an early morning jog, posters of parties and concerts they'd gone to were plastered all over the walls left and right. There was the shop that smelled so much like Blaine's hair gel. Down the street was a boutique that Blaine always had to stop at because they sold the most outrageous bowties. Cabs everywhere. The songs that rang out of the shops... his first thought was eitherBlaine would hate thisorBlaine would love this.

It was like the city was glowing with Blaine and instead of feeling crowded, Kurt felt overwhelmed but alsowarm, like when you are hit by a ray of sunlight on a cloudy day.

Kurt had never really thought about how much time he spent with Blaine. Sure, their time was normally limited to late nights and early mornings but it was never a brief encounter or time wasted with other people but them.

Blaine's words still rang in his ears. Blaine loved him. He was in love with him and Kurt felt warmth spread in his body even thinking about it. Recalling all those memories, Kurt felt stupid to not have noticed Blaine's feelings earlier.

Blaine had been smitten with him from day one. He had given Kurt so much. Hell, he had searched the whole town when he had thought that Kurt was in trouble. Blaine had been taking care of him ever since the first time they had met. A sudden dizziness made Kurt stop and lean against a wall.

But this didn't change that Kurt was not someone for commitment and relationships. Kurt was somebody for the chase and for fun and as long as that was true he couldn't lead Blaine on. He would have to break his heart. He would have to say goodbye.

The thought alone brought Kurt to the brink of tears. He didn't want to say goodbye but what was the alternative?Don't say goodbye then. Stay with him. Be his.A small voice in his head whispered.

Could he do that? Once upon a time it had been all he had wanted. Somebody to love and who loved him back. Blaine had just told him this morning that Kurt was too strong to give up on his dreams and that Blaine was sure he hadn't. Was that his chance for change? He could go back and hug Blaine and whisper in his ear how much he wanted him but what if it didn't work?

What if, in a week or two, Blaine would realize that Kurt wasn't as amazing as he had thought or Kurt realized that he could not be what Blaine needed? In the end they'd both be hurt and Kurt was sure he'd fall deep if that happened. Wasn't it better to stick with what he had? What he had was good. It worked for him. But what if not? What if Blaine were his way to escape everything that had bothered him and brought him down for years now? What if he didn't need all of that to forget anymore because he had someone who believed in him and made him believe in him as well?

Was Kurt in the end just too adamant in believing that there was no way out, to reject a possibility when it did come his way, just to be right?

Kurt shook his head at the thought. It was all too much. He needed to calm down and think but all thoughts just ended at Blaine.

He looked around. He hadn't paid attention to where he was going but he was sure that he hadn't been walking in the direction of his home, when he noticed that he was just one block away from Blaine's apartment. Either he had walked straight back or in a circle. He swallowed.

Chances were high that Blaine was sitting less than a mile away from him on his couch and was crying because of him. And what for? Because Kurt was too stupid to get over himself and admit to himself and Blaine that he didn't want things to end. That he wanted to be with Blaine. That he wanted Blaine and only him. Not Adam or some other random hookup. Only Blaine.

His body and heart had known it way before his head and now that all three were on the same page Kurt began to run. Run down the street, up the stairs and to Blaine's door, knocking frenetically on it once he had reached it.

It took a moment before Blaine opened the door. His eyes were indeed red but he wasn't crying. Without another word Kurt pressed his lips against Blaine's, desperate and hard, hoping to show everything he couldn't yet say with it. Blaine took a moment to answer but then he melted against Kurt, throwing his arms around Kurt's neck and pulling him into the apartment.

When they parted, Kurt let his forehead rest against Blaine's, his arms around Blaine's waist, holding him close.

"I want you, Blaine. Only you. You mean so much to me. I can't imagine being without you. I don't want to. It hurts too much." Kurt's voice broke on the last part.

"I love you, too." Blaine breathed against his lips before he went for another kiss, slower this time, but not less desperate, their bodies pressed together, trying to feel as much of the other as possible. Kurt kissed back with all that he had. He hadn't told Blaine that he loved him. He wasn't there yet.

Still, that wouldn't stop him from showing Blaine that he did in every way possible.

Outside, the city was still glowing. Glowing with Kurt's memories of Blaine. But brightest glowed the man in Kurt's arms and Kurt intended to keep him there. Forever, if possible. His personal sunshine.